Emotional Pornography

[Yes, this is a re-post. This subject very recently came up in discussion and I feel it’s important to keep this idea circulating on da Interwebz.]

I’m not much into visual pornography. I prefer mine written as words because my imagination is far superior to any porn producer. I don’t particularly care if a man watches porn. It’s his business, not mine.

There is a great excoriation of visual pornography, especially from women. There is a constant yammer about false expectations of sexuality, ruined relationships, etc. The relationship advice websites are full of women moaning about their men watching porn. Feh, most of it is simply sexual gatekeeping and control. A woman wants to control a man’s sexuality – usually by saying “no” constantly – and porn is a direct threat to that control. Relationship dynamics at their very worst.

Women have their own form of pornography and it’s a well-respected and lucrative industry. Think Lifetime channel movies. Think romance novels. Think romantic comedies from Hollywood. Think vampire books. But it’s still pornography, a fantasy in words and images. I am convinced that women actually expect their relationship fantasies to be born out in real life. I see proof of that in womens’ online dating profiles. “Where is my Prince Charming?” reads a common headline. So here we have a grown women looking for a fairytale. But on weekends with the gal pals, it’s off to the latest Hollywood romantic comedy where that fairytale is reinforced as “reality” in her mind.

Chick flicks are nothing more than an emotional drug. It’s emotional heroin for dames. I reserve special loathing for “Eat, Pray, Love”. That’s the emotional pornography of the divorce fantasy. What women don’t understand is that it’s a complete fantasy. It’s make-believe. It’s a fiction conjured up by clever writers and pushed by capitalistic publishers and movie producers looking to make a buck. Do we even need to talk about the princess fantasy and the Disney industrial complex? Let’s leave that one for the child psychologists.

Emotional pornography is ruining relationships even before they get started. Women have completely unrealistic expectations about romance. They have a script in their heads and George Clooney is the supporting actor. So they put up the online dating profiles and wait. Prince Charming is right around the corner. The next online message. The next IM. Meanwhile, the Greek chorus of her friends is singing “Never Settle!” That cluttering of estrogen on the side of the stage has also well consumed that emotional pornography.

Let’s complicate things further still. If a hapless fellow decides to be that romantic Prince Charming and pitch woo at a fair damsel with lots of romance, he will be considered a schmuck, a chump, a doormat, a pushover. Even women over 40 get all tingly in their nether regions for Bad Boys. Bad Boys aren’t romantic. Bad Boys don’t give gifts or call up just to say “thinking of you”. Bad Boys have skittles (hat tip to Roissy).

Fixing up a man is also part of the overall relationship fantasy. A woman finds a diamond in the rough and works feverishly to make him “better”. Should she succeed in her project man, she suddenly realizes that he’s no longer attractive to her. And how do women come up with this nonsense? Emotional pornography, believing the fantasy should be real.

If our government really wants to embrace censorship (it shouldn’t, by the way), emotional pornography should be first on the list.

Lest I seem the curmudgeonly and cynical sort, I believe that men are finally wising up to the situation. They are learning that women merely talk a good game about needing romance and the whole knight in shining armor thing. That’s the social expectation as supported by that emotional pornography. But the actions of women, ah, that’s where the truth comes out. Fellows, forget the romance, it won’t get you laid.

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  1. #1 by Vicomte on January 14, 2013 - 3:27 PM

    I think it’s important to remember that a lot of Emo Porno is actually bad boy porn. Sure, the guy changes in the end, but he’s not usually white knighting out of the gate.

    Men with a particular eye for propaganda might begin to notice.

    Women will remain oblivious, on the surface.

  2. #2 by Ronin on January 14, 2013 - 3:38 PM

    Well said as usual but two words to sum up womankind- Cognitive Dissonance.

  3. #3 by Emma the Emo on January 14, 2013 - 3:50 PM

    According to that “your brain on porn” website, I have very rational reasons to worry if the man I’m with is masturbating to porn… I never had a problem with it, and liked to look at it myself, but now I wonder if it really makes normal sex bland&boring, and teaches you to require new partners often. I’m not sure if emotional porn has a similar desensitizing effect, but it does seem to seep into people’s worldview. Romance novels shouldn’t be our textbooks on love, and porn shouldn’t be the sex ed.

    • #4 by DC Phil on January 14, 2013 - 6:44 PM

      There’s a lot of truth to that site. If nothing else, the salient points are:

      1. Hyperstimulation through unprecedented access to thousands upon thousands of pics and streaming videos. Back in the day, you got Playboy or Penthouse on occasion, and videos were hard to come by — you actually had to go to the video store to get them.

      2. The reward mechanism and dopamine. Addiction is usually about jacking up dopamine. Tolerance results from overstimulation, which requires more stimulation to get to the previous levels of stimulation.

      As today’s porn is unlike porn in the past, there isn’t enough in the way of studies and data to show what effect it’s having on men, just anecdotes.

    • #5 by 3rd Millenium Men on January 14, 2013 - 9:08 PM

      I’m with you Emma… In fact my manosphere post on pornography is one of my top posts of all time. I think deep down men know how bad porn is for them, but they need to read about the impacts before they actually can appreciate that.

    • #6 by Altimanix on January 15, 2013 - 2:13 PM

      I think that the emo-porn catastrophuck divorce-o-drama for men out weighs the disappointing sex for women.

      I wouldn’t put emo-porn for women in the same class as wank–o-porn for men.

      men are far better at seperating porn from real-life than women are – until the women discover post divorce sex reality (top-tip not millionaire handyman, more P&D pool guy)

      just pointing out where reality & consequences really lie FWIW

    • #7 by Missy on May 17, 2013 - 3:39 PM

      Totally agree (despire that i write emotional-type porn for women). I dated a guy for a while who… gosh .. it was a problem. We had to wean him off porn for him to get off while we were together (the addiction had taken hold before we met). I didnt mind so much that he had some trouble finishing since he never seemed to mind either…. but… like men (some – the good ones) we do like to KNOW we pleased and it felt odd and incomplete wo him climaxing.

      Took a while, but we got him off, then I got him off :)

  4. #8 by LostSailor on January 14, 2013 - 7:38 PM

    To Lifetime movies, romance novels, and sparkly vampire movies, I’d also add in magazines like Cosmo and the like to the list. They also serve to instill a false sense of how relationships should work and how men work. I’ve seen the results of all this emo-porn up close, and it can definitely be toxic, if used to excess.

    Men’s use of visual porn can certainly be harmful if used obsessively, as well as if it’s used as a substitute for actual sex with a, hopefully, living human partner. But it’s usually a harmless visual aid for most men. It’s not a sex ed thing either, since, lets face it, most guys aren’t going to up to performing like a porn star. Well, present company excepted, of course…

  5. #9 by 3rd Millenium Men on January 14, 2013 - 9:05 PM

    Disney industrial complex haha golden!!

  6. #10 by taterearl on January 15, 2013 - 1:02 PM

    Women love the emotions yet have higher value being physically chaste.

    Men love the physical yet have higher value being emotionally chaste.

    Porn for both genders just seeks to take the second most valuable thing to both sexes and degrade the most valuable thing.

  7. #11 by gentlemanslut on January 16, 2013 - 8:28 AM

    Here’s a popular trope I noticed with Chick Flicks, and I can’t believe I never noticed it before. Although by the films conclusion, Nice Guy has The Girl, The Girl, more often than not, starts the film with Unnecessary Douchebag. The film plays out, she sees the Douchebag for what he is, etc.

    But wait, what’s the underlying message? That Girl meets Nice Guy? No. She is with Douchebag BY DEFAULT. It’s not even explained. There is no “she’s with him because she doesn’t value herself” type of explanation given, no agency assigned to her choice – IT IS ASSUMED YOU KNOW WHY. They don’t need to explain a choice that millions of girls have made, and millions of nice guys have seen play out. Why explain a universal truth? It’s just not necessary.

    The truth in those films is staring you in the face for the first 10 minutes. Girl + Douchebag. Nice Guy + Best Friend / WoW Membership. The plot that develops is the fantasy.

  8. #12 by dannyfrom504 on January 18, 2013 - 1:52 AM

    PORN!!!!!???? yes plea…oh. this was a serious post. wokka wokka

    i couldn’t even entertain the idea of TRYING to watch EPL. sadly for women, the rise in access in porn is even making unattractive beta’s give up on women.

    porn has totally thinned out the herd for women. WHY try. i got porn.

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