The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “February 7, 2015”

Online Dating – The Validation Queen

I’ve been doing online dating for over a decade, off and on.  I’ve read thousands of profiles, male and female alike. I have sent out hundreds and hundreds of messages to single women with online dating profiles. My response rate, as for most men, is relatively low. This, I can accept. But the most frustrating element is the “validation queen”. It works something like this:

The outgoing message: [Clever opening, short message, call to action]

Her response: Thanks so much, I like your profile.

The response:  Glad you liked it, we should actually meet. The purpose of online dating is to stop online dating.

Her response: [Radio silence]

This happens often. Sometimes, there might be another digital interchange and a phone number is offered up for a text or phone call. The text or call never happens. WTF?! Congrats, you’ve found a validation queen. Before my readers get all annoyed, I can only say, relax. Validation queens are common and must be expected. Perhaps she reconnected with an old boyfriend in the interim. Maybe she simply chickened out of online dating. The emotionally healthy response is to just move on. Blocking such a dame is also recommended. Men should not waste their time.

A man has NO control over the validation queen phenomenon. Repeated messages won’t work. The woman is using online dating simply to validate her desirability, nothing more. She doesn’t want to date. She doesn’t want to meet men unless they are especially attractive physically. Most men aren’t so physically attractive so the incoming messages are just a feel-good exercise for her. This is the life for men doing online dating. Even worse, she’s already in a committed relationship (married!) but is too scared to seriously move on.

Even more frustrating is when the woman initiates the conversation, usually just a click on a button to indicate her interest. The man replies with a positive message and there is no subsequent response from her, ever. Doh! Settle down, boys. Women are basically timid and scared when it comes to online dating. They want their self esteem seriously built up. Doing that online is relatively easy and fun for them. The can ignore or block subsequent online interest from a fellow at their own discretion.

The validation queen is yet another reason why I no longer recommend online dating as the primary means of the “get a date” endeavor for men. Live events are far superior because it takes some serious gumption for a woman to attend such an event. It shows she’s serious about meeting a guy. It takes even more gumption (confidence!) for a man to attend that kind of event. Bonus for guys, dames like a confident man. Too many men retreat into online dating while the clever dudes are out at speed dating events or singles events. They’re the ones getting phone numbers and dates.

You’re welcome.

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