The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “February 6, 2015”

Abundance Mentality – An Unintended Consequence

There is much talk in the PUA (Pick Up Artistry) Manosphere about “abundance mentality”. This is the attitude that is recommended for men and it means that there is always a new woman or girl to replace the current one. It’s part of “spinning plates” where a man is dating several women concurrently. Fundamentally, it’s a good attitude for a man to take when dealing with attraction and dating. It’s a great antidote for “oneitis”, when a man becomes too attached and almost obsessed with a particular girl. So, with internalized abundance mentality, a man looks askance at any particular girl and is perfectly willing to send her off knowing that finding another girl is an easy possibility. Bravo.

Wait.

Hang on.

It’s important that a man understands his own relationship goals. If the relationship goal is to spin plates and have more girls in the pipeline, abundance mentality works perfectly well. If a man’s relationship goal is to have an exclusive relationship with one person, there is a serious downside to abundance mentality.

I’m fully aware that the PUA and MGTOW divisions of the Manosphere advise that a man never enter into an exclusive and committed relationship with a woman. With the wrong woman, this is excellent advice. The unintended consequence of such advice – when combined with internalized abundance mentality – is that ALL women become the wrong woman to commit to. The PUA and MGTOW advice completely ignores that large numbers of men actually do want to find one particular woman with whom to have a healthy, intimate, and committed relationship with. That’s a perfectly valid relationship goal and should be supported.

But with internalized abundance mentality comes the attitude that women, all women, are essentially disposable. The unintended consequence of such an attitude is that a man always finds something wrong with a woman. This, in turn, leads to an inevitable moving on to the next woman. The comparison is the single woman who actively finds reasons to reject a man.

Humans are fallible. It’s part of our nature. In the context of attraction and dating, the fallibility always rises to the surface after a period of time. With abundance mentality, that consistent fallibility becomes an instant reason to reject and walk away. Repeating that pattern makes it extraordinarily difficult for a man to meet his relationship goals if he wants a committed relationship. Perfectly wonderful women are pushed away, almost irrationally.

The solution to this problem is for a man to willingly overlook human flaws but still maintain certain boundaries. As a species, we’re far from perfect. We’re so far from perfect that it’s remarkable how we manage to reproduce. As men and women are different, women need to learn to be more tolerant and accept the flaws of men. For guys with CCCL (confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership), it means becoming more tolerant of the flaws of women and evaluating those flaws in the context of meeting relationship goals.

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