The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

The Protection Factor

This tweet arrived recently from DateMe Kenya:

Ladies! Before starting a new relationship, ask yourself Will he protect you? Will he respect you?

The idea that a man should protect a woman is a social expectation likely based on some degree of hardwiring in a man’s brain. It’s interesting to note that the tweet originated from an African dating website. The expectation and instinct to “protect” women fits quite nicely into hypergamy. A tall, strong man with access to resources and with the ability to influence others is a genetically attractive man because he has the power to protect.

White knighting also fits well with that social and instinctual need to protect women. Back when the social the contract between the sexes was still viable, coming the aid of a woman was perfectly reasonable even if there was risk involved for the man. But that social contract is badly broken so white knighting is a ridiculous throwback from history. But as the need to protect women has an instinctual element to it, the white knight phenomenon will continue to exist even if the woman is behaving atrociously. For example, witness the 20-something crowd in a popular nightclub and how certain girls exploit potential white knights by acting childish and immature with impunity.

There are organized efforts to exploit the urge to protect women. Bystander intervention programs are being introduced at college campuses to address the sexual assault . Such programs encourage young men to help stop sexual assaults on girls by getting involved in individual male/female interactions. The New York Times has a good story on this . Some will argue strongly that these programs are nothing more than cock-block training. But consider the upside, if Frank the freshman can save a buddy from the possibility of a false accusation by intervening at the right time, Frank is showing some serious loyalty to his buddy.

Back when I was plugged into the dating matrix, dates were a way for me to find ways to protect that particular woman through some type of assistance. But looking for protection opportunities on a date put me a in a terrible frame to generate much attraction. I instantly became a helpful older brother. That urge to protect stifled my charisma. When I suppressed that protection urge, I found that going out on dates to be a much more pleasant experience. I was enjoying the company of women and it showed. It took awhile to unplug myself but when I did, I stopped some unhealthy dating habits such as white knighting.

I urge men to be extremely circumspect when the urge to protect a woman arises, especially on dates or at live singles events. The social contract between the sexes is broken so men no longer owe their time and effort to come to the aid of some random dame in need. There is also the issue of assuming that a woman can’t take of herself. Two generations of strong and independent women have been fiercely stating that women are strong and independent. Men should listen to that and act accordingly by judging the circumstances carefully. Short of being the recipient of violence from a stranger, today’s woman can handle herself and her problems without a man’s protection. Besides, she always has the government.

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27 thoughts on “The Protection Factor

  1. Pingback: The Protection Factor |

  2. ” There is also the issue of assuming that a woman can’t take of herself. Two generations of strong and independent women have been fiercely stating that women are strong and independent. Men should listen to that and act accordingly by judging the circumstances carefully. Short of being the recipient of violence from a stranger, today’s woman can handle herself and her problems without a man’s protection.”

    I’ve always wondered exactly what kinds of circumstances women need “protection” from in daily life with modern Western society. There’s the incredibly extreme examples of women being hustled into the back of a van or dragged into a dark alley to be raped and killed…but this is far from a common occurrence. There is the fact that a woman could be mugged, or shot, or beaten in public by an irrational spouse/date, I suppose. But these same issues affect men just as much if not more, so the moral thing to do is simply help and watch out for each other regardless of physical sex.

    In other words, both men and women deserve assistance in extenuating circumstances, and should receive said help from fellow men *and* women.

    Private Man, perhaps you could shed some light on this?

    • Richard Cranium on said:

      I would guess it’s a primal instinct dating back to the caveman days where life was much harsher and women truly needed protection from wild animals and other savage males otherwise they would die. Big & strong=I lived and got to eat.

      • Thanks for the reply, Richard. It does make more sense for the idea of protecting only women to be a remnant of our evolutionary past. Unfortunately, in modern times it seems both sexes need help, and this leftover idea of “chivalry” all but insures that men are the ones going without. This needs to change…society as a whole needs to recognize that males can use help too.

      • Richard Cranium on said:

        Also back in the halcyon days before we figured out science and biology women were the life givers and had to be taken care of and protected or else the species wouldn’t continue.

        Any women that feels she needs such treatment in modern society is being obtuse

      • Pretty much, Richard.

  3. Richard on said:

    I like your stuff TPM, but having someone preview your posts for typos and half deleted sentences would help you come off a bit more polished.

  4. Pingback: The Protection Factor Jun 2nd |

  5. Mike on said:

    Weird timing of this post. I (56-yo divorced white man) protected a woman last night. I had just seen my date to her car and watched her drive away when an early-20’s black woman ran up to me, crying and hysterical, saying “help me, help me!” She had jumped out of a man’s car after he had “abused” her. He soon came along, driving past us, but he stopped down the block, got out, and started toward us. Hispanic, 20’s, no shirt. He hesitated when he saw me. I took her into my building’s (secure) lobby and he apparently drove away, couldn’t really see but he didn’t show up again. They had been out drinking, he got thrown out of a bar, and that pissed him off. Didn’t try to get the story of what the “abuse” amounted to but she was genuinely frightened. I got her calmed down, gave her a soft drink, and put her in a cab home (on my dime – she had no money – less than $20). She was a sweet, soft-spoken kid. As a recent red pill convert, I hesitated to help her but I have no regrets, even after sleeping on it. Except that I didn’t get her number! Cab driver said this would come back to me. Not sure I buy the “good karma” idea, but I think this was an exceptional case that deserved a departure from a “your problem” attitude. Thoughts?

    • Mike, I know this wasn’t directed at me, but I just wanted to thank you for being a genuinely good person. Often it sounds like men believe taking the red pill means leaving everyone (maybe women especially?) to take care of themselves regardless of the situation. I personally find this sad, not in a pathetic way, just honestly a depressing way to view the idea of helping others. It’s nigh impossible for me to walk by someone, man/woman/child/adult, who needs assistance.

      It can be something as simple as holding a door open for a man with crutches or getting an item down from a tall shelf for a little old lady at the grocery. Or it can be something “more”, like when I bought lunch for a homeless guy everyday I was at Gencon last year. Everybody needs help sometimes, and I think you are a wonderful person for being selfless and giving in a situation where you could have been like 95% of the population and just walked away.

      It’s only “not my problem” till the day it *is* my problem, and I’d like to think someone would help me the way I’ve helped others. The cab driver is right…what you put out will come back to you. So, thanks for being a good, caring human being!

      • Mike on said:

        Thank you, T. I agree, we ought to help and be helped, especially in dire circumstances, regardless of personal plumbing. And common courtesy ought to endure. But I thank RP proponents for making me aware that I sometimes went too far in helping women _because_ of their sex, trying to get what I want from them. It never accomplished that anyway, just DLV’ed me instead.

      • Agreed, Mike.
        I think a lot of men could benefit from having some red pill knowledge, and an understanding that women aren’t goddesses or angels…they are just people who don’t automatically deserve special treatment. Treat women exactly as you’d treat men, help when it’s really needed only. Chivalry needs to die, courtesy (where women and men are kind to each other in equal parts) should be the social expectation of choice.

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      Umm… yeah… methinks the red pill is still stuck between your cheek and gum, i.e. not really in your system. This “sweet, soft-spoken kid” was out DRINKING, VERY LATE, with an overly macho SHIRTLESS caveman/thug… and she READ you out in 300 milliseconds and totally PLAYED you! Sorry bro…

      Oh, and one more bad: when the street-wise cabbie said this would “come back to you”, he didn’t mean in a good way… he didn’t mean young party girl would show up to pay back your cab fare and shag your brains out, NO… he meant cowardly shirtless guy will be back with 3 of his “ese’s” to fvck up you and/or your car… no good deed goes unpunished, so I’d do a “tune up” on your CCW skills. 😉

      • He’s right. Been there, got played. She definitely played you.

      • “Sweet, soft-spoken kid”: well, if she was in her 20’s she wasn’t a kid, but I trust Mike to not be taken in by a completely false personality.

        “out DRINKING”: who cares? I don’t go to bars, but a decent number of people, perhaps even yourself, do. This isn’t the Prohibition…

        “VERY LATE”: maybe you can point out where Mike said what time it was? I have reread his original comment 3 times, and other than the fact it was the previous night and he’d just seen his date to her car, I certainly can’t tell if it was 9pm or 12am. Unless there’s a citywide curfew in Mike’s area, I don’t see why being out late is an indicator of bad judgment.

        “overly macho SHIRTLESS caveman/thug”: Dear Gods, man…you weren’t there. Why are you putting such descriptors into a story you didn’t see for yourself? Other than being Hispanic and the same age as the woman, Mike doesn’t go into any details. We don’t know if the guy was skinny, gangly, buff, on steroids, frickin Bane-like, etc. It’s not “overly macho” to get thrown out of a bar either…we don’t know if it was fom fighting, yelling, being a sloppy drunk, arguing with another patron, or just not paying a tab on time. You also don’t know he was a “thug” or “caveman”. We just know he was abusive towards his date, which by his “SHIRTLESS” appearance could mean he tried to rape her…or took of his shirt because food got spilled on it…or someone at the bar had ripped it. Even Mike doesn’t know the entire situation.

        “totally PLAYED you”: yes, because seeking out assistance from fellow human beings when you are afraid for your well-being is “playing” someone. It’s not like she got them into a fight, obtained a free steak dinner, and was a cock-tease…A young woman needed help and turned to the first stable looking person she saw. I think this speaks more to the way Mike carries himself than anything else, unless he was simply the only/nearest person on the street.

        As for what the cab driver said, he most likely meant the “good karma” thing that Mike originally believed. Mike doesn’t say how the cabbie looked…if he was smirking, smiling, pleased, worried, brotherly…but usually telling someone that “this will come back to you” means good, not bad.

        Besides, what would you have Mike do? Simply walk away from a person in distress? Or perhaps now that Mike is a red pill guy he’s supposed to ignore every female-bodied human who needs help, and he’s only “allowed” to aid male-bodied people and/or animals? Should I do something similar, and only help females…? “Oh look, that guy is struggling with a flat tire in the rain. Oops, can’t help him though, he’s a man.” Yeah, I’m not about to be sex selective in who I help because that would make me a jerk. I assist men and women, elders and children, of all colors…sometimes people need other people in ways that go above and beyond typical daily interaction.

        Seriously, you are taking a good thing that Mike did for a person in need and turning it into an example of blue pillery. Letting a chick take advantage of your kindness, finances, or culturally beaten-in chivalry is blue pill. Giving help to someone who is frightened or struggling is simply being a moral member of a social society like ours.

      • Tarnished said most of what I would otherwise reply (thanks T). But a couple more points:

        Wait till you’re my age, an early-20’s person is a kid alright.

        Are you saying they staged this to take me for a $12 cab ride and a Dr Pepper? If so, they labored mightily to bring forth a mouse but they deserve an Oscar.

        The cabbie just meant that someone would help me sometime, not that the girl would return to bang me or that the guy would return to mess me up. Clearly neither will happen and I’m losing no sleep, “played” or not.

        Cheers, Mike

      • You’re welcome, Mike. Apologies if I stepped on your toes by commenting “for” you. It just was frustrating to see someone bashing the idea of being a decent human being.

      • Tarnished, your idea of courtesy would be in line with mine. The thing is, it’s not in line with the sphere. The fact that money was put out on cab fare and she didn’t respond by jumping on the guys cock would make her an entitled princess playing the guy ( and make the guy a chump.)

        I remember reading on another blog about an incident in the news. There had been a car crash and the occupants (men) were unconcious. The car was smoking and there was the possibility of it going up in flames. A woman bystander was able to get one of the guys out, but the other was too heavy. She yelled at the guys standing around to give her a hand to no avail. This was intollerable to the blog readers. Who did this bitch think she was telling these guys what to do. Typical entitled princess

      • JV, I get what you are saying here. It’s one of the reasons I cannot, in good conscience, call myself a MRA even though I agree with most of what actual Men’s Rights is fighting for. (I also don’t for a second believe in “Patriarchy” or the eternal victimization present in feminism either…Thus, I’m a proud fence-sitting egalitarian.)

        The manosphere as a whole has a lot of justified anger, resentment, and frustration to work through. I understand this, and offer comfort/a listening ear when it’s asked for. But at the same time, some denizens seem to be unable to move past this anger, and have reached the conclusion that any/all times a female-bodied person asks for help she is necessarily “playing” him, or “shit testing” him. This may be true for some women, but to assume the worst of every girl/woman at every conceivable opportunity seems incredibly similar to the “necessary” androphobia that many feminists speak of.

        Fear and hatred of men is just as faulty a way to interact with individual males as fear and hatred of women is with individual females. For better or worse, I always try to assume the best about people at first…and while I am proven wrong in some cases, there’s not nearly enough evidence for me to lump all of one sex into preconceived categories.

  6. Some years ago, before my enlightenment, a woman I knew from blogging and had met once before visited my city. Having already met her, and having had in the meantime one or two unpleasant email exchanges with her (in once case she asked my advice about financial matters and then misinterpreted and took offense at my response), I was no longer interested in her as a possible romantic prospect. I should have broken all contact or at least told her I was too busy to see her. But I was stupid and didn’t want to seem rude, and she had come all the way to my city and wanted to see me, so I met her a couple of times for dinner (we split the bills).

    On the way back from the second dinner we were in a crowded light-rail car. An apparently crazy female street person approached my companion and screamed at her threateningly and continuously until the next stop, when we got off. In hindsight I suspect that my acquaintance provoked the altercation by staring down the other woman, because confrontational drama like this seemed to find her from time to time but never happens to me. During the screaming I looked around to see if anyone was trying to pick our pockets, but otherwise I simply watched closely. I saw (and still see) no reason to get into a physical altercation with someone who is merely making noise. It was like watching a psycho ballplayer yelling at an umpire. Let them yell. I thought nothing more of it after the evening ended.

    A while later I looked at my visitor’s blog and found that she had written a post about her experience in the train car, describing me as a coward for not coming to her defense. I should have told her to fuck herself. Instead I was stupid and argued with her by email. I said there had been no reason to defend her, that I had been standing nearby in case anything bad happened, and that the evening had ended with no harm done, which is success as far as I’m concerned. But, she said, a popular female blogger had written about how her boyfriend defended her from some junkies in a European subway car, and when she (my acquaintance) was little her father had rescued her from kidnapping by thugs. So, competitive attention whoring, delusional thinking, paranoid validation seeking, and social recklessness that she expected me to back her up on. And numerous red flags in her past behavior that I hadn’t heeded. I am so glad I didn’t intervene in her confrontation that night.

    I would add this to the long list of red flags for anything other than very short-term relationships. Avoid women who are disrespectful of authority, who argue with cops, who get into fights and arguments, who have a history of being victimized or of getting into trouble through no fault of their own. Once might be an accident. Twice is a pattern. Avoid such patterns.

    • @J

      That is a very pathetic woman, to not be able to handle someone yelling at her. I’ve been yelled at and mocked by slightly-less-crazy religious nutjobs in the city if they see my necklace, but they don’t throw punches so I just ignore them. Your…acquaintance…probably should have just moved away or even apologized to defuse the situation. The fact she thought you were cowardly for not “rescuing” her is laughable. Sounds like someone needs to grow up.

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      I forget what the formal academic tag for that behavior is, but in the vernacular it’s “let’s you and him fight”, i.e. the hypergamic cave-woman LUST to see men “competing” over her special snowflake self. 🙄 Don’t fall for it… unless a) you’re 110% confident you can win; b) you’re 130% sure you can evade LEGAL consequences; c) she’s a “9” who’s been demonstrating “advanced muscular control” for several months, with never a miss or excuse; and d) you just like fighting!… but even then, don’t fall for it. 😆

      (See the new DSM-V for “Cluster A” disorders.) 😯

  7. You can’t negotiate desire or repulsion. Coming to the aid of a random woman probably wont make her instantly fall in love or rip off her clothes. Though you’ve definately got her full attention at a heightened awareness. And how that gets handled could lead to something. Standing around and not coming to her aid will probably trigger anything from mild disdain to repulsion. There are women where it doesn’t bother them. But, they have a tendency to be attracted to thugs or have a tendency to martyrdom. (or in the sphere’s case, 50 shades of Christian submission.)

    Most game guys want short term relationships. so such things don’t really matter. Internally, protectiveness gets in the way of spinning plates. It gets in the way of being detatched from out comes because men are wired to a certain degree to bond through protection. Externally, it messes with their edge.

  8. As a devout Christian woman, and one who was raised in a devout & extremely sheltered & extremely strict Christian home with my father as the Clear Leader in our very Christian community, I Implore you men to realize & understand that some women are not manipulative; some of us were raised to be submissive from childhood, and some of us have actually been sexually assaulted because of posts such as this one, Labeled “The Protection Factor” Prayerfully submitted.

  9. Oops, my apologies, I meant to say “because of attitudes such as this one Labeled “The Protection Factro” and not the actual post.

  10. I’ve only just found this blog. It’s great to see one of my tweets (I’m the founder and CEO of got people talking/thinking. Fantastic blog

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