The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Another Pretty Lie Is Slain


As I’ve already savaged two pretty lies in my previous blog post, I’ll go for the hat trick with this blog post. Oh, and no trigger warning this time. Y’all will just have to deal with it. Exactly. Today’s pretty lie? Men are attracted to confident women. OK, pick up your jaws. I’ve got some ‘splaining to do. This pretty lie has three elements to it:

1. Projection.

Women are attracted to confident men. Confidence is one of the biggest attraction points a man can have. If a guy walks into a room with the right frame and a confident mien, the dames will light up. So, women think that men are attracted to the same characteristics in a woman. It simply doesn’t work that way. Men and women are different. The feminine attracts the masculine. A woman who expresses a masculine type of confidence comes across as bossy and domineering, a very effective attraction-killer.

2. Confidence is not feminine.

“OK, Private Man, you want women to be insecure.”

No, I want women to show some damned humility. A recent advertising campaign from Pantene wants women to stop saying “sorry” all the time. Eh, that works in the front lines of the office cubicle wars. I have no problem with that. But in private, away from the culturally cancerous glare of political correctness, “sorry” goes a long way and good way when relating to men. Being humble brings out some seriously protective instincts in men. It can make us feel chivalrous (damn, that word rankled me). A woman’s humility is part of the broken social contract where the war ‘twixt the sexes was actually a contract of being cooperative and complementary.

“But I’m a confident woman and I don’t need a man!”

Then you’re good for a few dates and some sexy time… then on to the next confident woman! Of course, you’ll still be in the rotation so don’t worry. A man must feel needed and a woman’s confidence works against that. Don’t like that? Date other confident women. You can buy each other lunch on alternate Saturdays.

3. Words and their meaning(s)

As an avid reader of online dating profiles written by women, I see women using all sorts of masculine words
to describe themselves. English words have connotations based on the sex of how they are applied and towards whom. Confident is a word most often applied to men. A woman uses that word to describe herself at her own risk. Here’s an excellent alternative that is far more neutral in regards to the sex of the person using it: “Self-assured”. Just like “strong and independent” is best used when describing a man, “self-reliant and resilient” is better for a woman.

It always makes me laugh when men try to act like women and women try to act like men. The differences between men and women create the attraction that helps us all meet our relationship goals.

(HT Roissy for the term “Pretty Lies”)

Single Post Navigation

11 thoughts on “Another Pretty Lie Is Slain

  1. Pingback: Another Pretty Lie Is Slain |

  2. Cris on said:

    I am a girl and even I hate it when other girls overuse (or should I say overdose on them?) those masculine words. That’s nonsense! I particularly hate those “I don’t settle!” and “I get what I want” cliches. Jesus, just relax and be feminine and warm.

  3. Some of this is understandable but some of it doesn’t make sense. How is this true for men in general and not just your own projection of what you find attractive in women? Doesn’t the need to be needed go against his confidence? And can’t women be confident without coming off as bossy and domineering?

    • Jack_Schitz on said:

      The PMs point is that some women assume in error that what they find attractive is the same thing that guys they want to attract find attractive. Of course it always depends on the guy in question and a lot of submissive guys are going to be more attracted to dominant women, but dominant guys are rarely attracted to women who are (or worse, attempt to be) dominant.

      If you want to see the male equivalent in dating profiles, it is very easy. Look for shirtless pics. Its usually not the ivy league types who are doing the shirtless pictures is it? A large number of women that I’ve talked to about this get grossed out by it not because of the picture itself, but because of what the picture says about the guy (i.e., he just doesn’t get it). The “it” of course is that women are not men and they (on average) are not as attracted to blatant displays of body parts. Of course some women are (just as some men are attracted to dominant women). But I doubt I’d feel comfortable taking this sort of woman to a black tie fundraiser.

      Since you are not a man (I assume), you are just going to have to take our word for it that when we read “Strong Independent Woman (r)” in a dating profile, we see the female equivalent of some Jersey DB with his shirt off. You don’t have to like it, but you better accept it if you want to succeed in the dating arena with dominant guys.

      BTW, your question about dominant guys not being confident because they don’t want “strong independent women” as girlfriends is a non-sequitur. Dominant men will collaborate, ignore or attempt to crush other dominant guys in their life. They rarely want to non-metaphorically fuck them and, if they do, I don’t think you’re in the running anyway.

  4. Ah, yes, the “I’m a Strong and Independent Woman® and i don’t “need” a man.”

    Well, if you’re so strong and independent and don’t need me, then, honey, I don’t need you.

    And, Ashley, yes, this is true for the vast majority of men. It’s not so much that men are turned off by confidence in a woman, confidence in and of itself is fine. But men are not attracted to confidence. If it’s there, all well and good, but it’s not inherently attractive to men.

    PM’s first point is absolutely spot-on. It’s a nearly universal truth that women are most attracted to confident and assertive men. (And please note, assertive doesn’t mean domineering or overbearing.) I, too, have seen time after time in women’s online dating profiles that women often list their traits and characteristics that they find attractive in men, assuming that what attracts them will attract men. It’s projection and it’s entirely understandable, if ineffective.

    And PM, love the new look of the blog…

  5. Confidence is attractive in men and women. Bossy and domineering is unattractive in either sex. I’ll have to disagree with confidence being unfeminine. Or even unhumble. You can’t have dignity without confidence.

    Being humble brings out some seriously protective instincts in men. It can make us feel chivalrous (damn, that word rankled me).

    Lol, I’ll bet. I agree with this.

    “But I’m a confident woman and I don’t need a man!”

    (sigh) I disagree with this. The one has nothing to do with the other. This is male projection. A man needing to feel needed and a woman being confident are not at cross purposes. Sharing intimacies and vulnerabity are part of connecting. But you can”t connect if you haven’t gotten his attention in the first place. Fading into the wall paper isn’t going to do that.

    Let’s look at needing to feel needed for a moment. There are ways that women try to pull this off in the first stages. Interestingly, it requires confidence because it requires approach. In an indirect manner.

    “Excuse me, could you help me with something?”

    And this is where the manosphere shoots itself in the foot. They don’t see femine approach, they see beta white knighting and get all ranty on the woman.

  6. Emma the Emo on said:

    Ah, female confidence – a controversial topic. Everyone has an opinion on how attractive or repelling it is. I suspect true confidence in a woman is not some big SMV flaw, nor is it necessarily a SMV plus. I just don’t see it as a big factor in a woman’s sexual or relationship attractiveness. A woman can be a little insecure or a little cocky without having guy problems because of it. Of course, going in any extreme will make her annoying to be with.

  7. Everyone defines female confidence differently. Let’s face facts, no man is attracted to any women who thinks and acts like she has a bigger c*ck than he does. Still, most men would agree that social confidence in women is attractive, especially those who can balance it with femininity like my wife of 19 years. I also think the Pantene commercial is very good as I see too many meek women and girls who apologize for nothing all day long. It is quite annoying and disturbing. Saying “excuse me” should not be confused with saying “sorry.” Everyone, man and woman alike, should have humility and know when to apologize. That is different from saying “sorry” for doing absolutely nothing.

  8. St. Jimmy on said:

    You make it sound like a bad thing that a woman wouldn’t “need” a man.

    If a woman doesn’t need a man, then good for her. When she wants one (not need one), then she should go out and get one.

  9. Pingback: Just Who Is This Wiggler? | The Private Man

  10. Emma the Emo on said:

    Haven’t seen the Pantene thing before now. Now I have. Puts things into perspective. Their endless apologies to their coworkers and bosses were just asking to be bullied and disrespected one day. I agree they should have stopped that. But their “sorry not sorrys” to their husbands is just rude. It’s not a lack of apology, it’s more like a small inconsiderate comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: