The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “June 12, 2014”

Advice For The Singles Event

With online dating such a time and energy investment, a live singles event is a far more efficient means to meet other singles. Because everyone attending being single, these are folks who want to meet other singles and enjoy a social event while they are doing it. It’s almost a no-brainer for men and women alike.

There is one important caveat. Social skills are required, especially for men. If a man is not prepared to approach women in a friendly and positive way, he should seriously consider if live events are appropriate for him. Because men and women are different, it’s the guy’s responsibility to do the approaching.

Finding a live singles event should be relatively easy in larger metropolitan areas. I recommend that singles sigh up for a Meetup.com account and search for singles group. The more members in the group, the more active it will be. There are also live events organized through Plenty of Fish and Match.com. Just know that if you attend an event organized through an online dating website, you will likely run into people who have rejected you online or you have rejected. When this happens, be cordial and light-hearted and never, ever asked why you were rejected. There are also singles ministries at larger churches. A well-organized singles ministry should have live singles events, including Bible study.

Live singles events are most often the realm of the post-divorce and older crowd. This, however, may vary by area so some research is necessary. This can prevent a large and potentially embarrassing age difference when attending an event. If there is a big age difference, accept it gracefully and use the event to practice social and observational skills.

Now comes the actual event and how to work that room. Men and women are different so men and women will work the room differently. I’ll break it down by sex. As most of my readers are men, I’ll start with that sex. There is a lot here for a man to digest. It’s unlikely that he might get all 15 things completely right. That’s OK, there are few home runs in life, simply a series of single and doubles. If a man feels seriously intimidated by this list, a way to practice is to attend other types of social events where there  aren’t any expectations related to being single.

  • Dress well, groom well, accessorize well, smell good. Your clothes must fit well.
  • Wear something that makes you stand out but not something outlandish.
  • Don’t have a specific goal. You’re simply there to have a good time and if you get a phone number or three, consider that a bonus.
  • Make sure you have a good frame. If your mood is not up for the event and you can’t imagine getting in a good mood, seriously consider cancelling.
  • Bringing a friend, male or female, can seriously help. Being the lone wolf requires huge confidence and too many men lack that level of confidence. With a friend, you can more easily form a small group conversation.
  • Remember that it’s a social event. Talking only with your friend defeats the purpose.
  • It’s your job to approach and start the introductions.
  • A good neutral question to ask is “so have you been to other singles events?”
  • Got a sense of humor and have good conversational skills? Use them effectively. I know that’s a facile thing to say to men who are more serious and a bit taciturn.
  • Talk to men, too. You might meet a new friend or if you’re with a female friend, you can make an introduction to her.
  • Talk to lots of women. Move from group to group, create new groups, don’t monopolize any one person or one group. Be the first person to leave a conversation so they want more. Own that event.
  • Avoid polarizing subjects like politics. Never, ever talk about your ex in any way. And no complaining about anything!
  • It’s not a job interview during a social event, don’t treat it as such.
  • Look for signs of interest in the women you are talking with. No interest? Politely move on.
  • If she does show interest, buy her a drink. Don’t buy drinks for random women, qualify them first.
  • If you’re genuinely attracted to her and sense that she’s attracted to you, tell her you want her phone number so you can set up a date. Don’t ask, state. If you get shot down, accept it with grace and humor.
  • Have fun.

If the event revolves around an activity, participate enthusiastically and avoid being overly competitive.

For the women (there is a lot of overlap with the advice for men):

  • Dress well, groom well, accessorize well, smell good. Dress like a woman, skirts and dresses rule. Highlight the positive elements of your appearance and figure. High heels are a bonus.
  • Don’t have a specific goal. You’re simply there to have a good time and if you give out your phone number, consider that a bonus.
  • If your mood is not up for the event and you can’t imagine getting in a good mood, seriously consider cancelling.
  • Bringing a friend, male or female, can seriously help. Being alone might lead to feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. With a friend, you can more easily form a small group conversation. Remember that it’s a social event. Talking only with your friend defeats the purpose.
  • Be approachable. Laughs and smiles make a woman far more attractive than intensity and negativity.
  • Talk to women, too. You might meet a new friend or if you’re with a male friend, you can make an introduction to him.
  • Avoid polarizing subjects like politics. Never, ever talk about your ex in any way. And no complaining about anything! Complaining is terribly negative and profoundly annoying. Listen to your own words as you speak.
  • It’s not a job interview during a social event, don’t treat it as such.
  • If you’re attracted to a man, show some obvious signs. Look him in the eyes, smile, touch his arm lightly, compliment him. Fortunately, if the attraction is genuine, doing those things will likely come naturally.
  • If you’re genuinely attracted to him and sense that he’s attracted to you, give him your number when wants it or asks for it. You do run the risk that he won’t call. That’s life. If you don’t want to give him your number because you’re not attracted, be nice about it.
  • Have fun.

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