Dating/Relationship Closure and “The Vanishing”
This subject periodically arises when there is discussion on the Internet about how men and women handle dating/relationship “closure” when the dating/relationship ends between the man and the woman. A former blogger, LaidNYC, wrote a brief and painfully honest post about this very topic. He was a great blogger but he quietly backed away from the Manosphere scene, alas. Here are his words taken from a ‘Net archive. I added some things in [brackets].
As a man, you don’t need closure.
A girl either wants to fuck you or she doesn’t. A long, emotional [or attempted logical] conversation will not change this fact.
Girls, however, need to put a man they are dumping into a desexualized box and wrap a pretty bow of closure around it. By participating in the closure process you are helping her tie the bow around your desexualized fate.
If a girl breaks up with you:
Do not talk about your feelings
Do not talk about her feelings
Do not argue with her reasons
Just accept it and grieve on your own time.
This is hard.
Because a woman will never give her ACTUAL reasons for breaking up with you. She will only give you society-approved bullshit that makes her look innocent. [Or, she just doesn’t understand her own emotional reasoning and looks to socially approved messages to help her out of the mess]
She will never say “you didn’t fuck me good enough” or “you’re too nice and not exciting” or “no other girl I know wants to fuck you so something must be wrong with you”.
She will say “I’m really busy with school and work and don’t have time for a relationship now” or “you’re great but I”m not ready for anything serious” or “I care about you as a friend”.
Sometimes the reasons she give will be SO false, such obvious flowery bullshit, that you will feel a deep burning need to set her straight, to correct her misunderstanding.
You can’t logic a woman.
You can say “okay”, walk away with a smirk and never contact her again. [The smirk is important because you have options, right?]
Being robbed of emotionally dripping closure, she’ll always feel a little incomplete.
Why didn’t he fight harder for me?
Did I really not get to his emotions?
Am I not as desirable to him as I thought?
Is he more desirable than I thought?
Girls have egos. They WANT to know you’re emotional about her breaking up with you. It validates her. So don’t do it. [This sounds strong but it’s essentially true]
You want a girl dumping you to question her reasons, not verify them.
When a girl dumps you, you want to be able to look back on how you handled it with pride.
When you give a girl closure, you give her your pride. [Always save the best line for last.]
I fundamentally agree with this approach to dating/relationship closure. However, this only applies to when a woman actively breaks up with the man or a man actively breaks up with a woman. Here is the salient point that LaidNYC makes in his blog post:
When you give a girl closure, you give her your pride.
Guys should never, ever do this. A man’s pride is a valuable asset and must be protected. This is one of the reasons I started the #IHaveSelfRespect hashtag on Twitter. Too many men voluntarily surrender their pride to women and this weakens their backbone, the most attractive feature a man can have.
There is an exception to this rule of closure. This happens when a woman passively breaks up with a man by using the vanishing act. She vanishes precisely because she doesn’t want closure. This is because she doesn’t want to insult the guy or is too scared to tell the truth that she has started dating another guy or, more than one guy.
This is when the man must completely cut off all communication, especially if she attempts to resurface. This can certainly happen when a post-divorce, over 45-year-old woman experiences the complete paucity of available, attractive men. The demographics and statistics are clear on this, especially if she is after a man with a higher income or higher educational level. There is a recent book that discusses this and uses factual demographic data to illustrate it.
If the woman does the vanishing act, it could also be something about the guy that she simply doesn’t want to reveal about him. This is her diplomacy at work and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. An introspective man who is truly self-aware will know his flaws, be they emotional or physical. Such a man also pursues options in case of just such a vanishing act.
As for the timing of the vanishing act and how quickly the man moves on to a different option in women, that’s based on how often the two communicated before her vanishing. The rule of thumb I use is the 2x guideline. If the two individuals only communicated about every two days, her not communicating for more than twice that duration indicates her vanishing. This guideline also applies to men who do a vanishing. The only reason for not responding to a text is that he or she has the other person low on the priority list, not a place to be.
During that gap time, she’s either into another guy through dating brachiation. Or, she has assessed the current guy’s faults and found them wanting. This is life. It’s important to know that when a guy seeks closure from her, it’s a sign of his weakness. A man doesn’t need such emotional closure, he must have the strength and confidence to handle just about anything without receiving an ex’s last words to him.
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