The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “August 3, 2015”

Dating Velocity

Knowing one’s relationship goals is a good thing. Men tend to be very goal oriented and work logically and rationally towards a particular goal. This also applies to when men decide to get back into the dating scene after divorce or when a relationship ends. However, men can find rushing towards those goals is not a good thing, even if supposedly rational and logical. It’s the leading cause of “oneitis” where men become desperate and then obsess about one particular woman. This stinks of desperation and is simply not attractive to women.

Most women are much more rational than most men at the initial meeting. For all of men’s complaints about screwed-up “chick logic”, it is men who can unconsciously fall into a very irrational pattern of behavior when they first meet a new woman who seriously interest them.

Most women are usually very careful about their dating efforts. What most men simply can’t understand, women are extremely and constantly concerned about security – physical, emotional, and financial. This is not gold-digging. This is wired into a woman’s DNA. Again, most men have no conception of this. Men and women are different, after all.

Because of the concern for security, women are less apt to rush forward during the dating process. Hence, it is the average, post-divorce man who too easily and unconsciously fall into a very irrational pattern of behavior when they first meet a new woman who seriously interests them.

Those women willing to rush forward are those to be very cautious of. A woman’s willingness to move ahead quickly into a relationship is a huge red flag. Such women are not emotionally stable. They are desperate, clingy, and quite possibly possessed of at least one personality disorder.

Even if the first few dates are full of attraction, chemistry, passion, a man should play it cool. He should resist the urge to increase the dating velocity so that he can be circumspect and not come across as desperate or needy. Many men make this mistake because they perceive themselves lower in the sexual/relationship market place.

There is a downside to this approach. It’s important that women who are single are always looking for a bigger, better deal even if they are a confirmed bachelorette. This means that during the initial dating process, a woman with whom you are seriously interested will swing to a new dating branch if it presents better opportunities. For women over a certain age, this means more security, especially if the guy has a small degree of charisma. There are two solutions for this:

1. “Spin plates”. This just means dating more than one woman concurrently. It’s facile of me to say this because I know that many men lack either the ability to provide some type of security or lack the necessary charisma. It’s important that a man provide either or hopefully, both. Charisma can be learned (it’s difficult, I know). Providing security is more problematic.

2. Avoid date venues where a woman’s hypergamous instincts are triggered. This includes bars, nightclubs, a concerts. As an aside, a concert is the second worst date idea. The first being dinner and a movie. Rather than a drink at the bar, a man should find an isolated table so he and his date can converse more intimately with a lowered risk of some middle-aged Lothario interfering. Better yet, a man should be perceived as that Lothario even if his relationship goal is to be in a committed relationship.

Dating 2.0 is not easy, I know this. It’s especially tough for post-divorce or post-relationship guys who have lost their dating charisma or even their social skills. It is my goal to help such men reach their relationship goals by navigating the difficult waters of Dating 2.0. This includes understanding how dating velocity works.

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