The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the category “Relationships”

A Red Flag – Perfectionism

My previous blog post described a woman’s red flag of no emotional impulse control. That particular red flag is relatively obvious and makes a woman easy to pass by. In keeping with the red flag theme, there’s another one for men to be aware of, perfectionism.

There’s a good description of the psychology of perfectionism in Wikipedia. The Wiki entry goes into some detail about concept of perfectionism complete with links to sources. It’s a fairly long entry so I’ve quoted some of the more salient points that relate to dating.

They also tend to dissociate themselves from their flaws or what they believe are flaws (such as negative emotions) and can become hypocritical and hypercritical of others, seeking the illusion of virtue to hide their own vices

I frequently see women in their online dating profiles claim to be perfectionists. These are women to avoid. I’m sure that many of my readers have come across perfectionists in their dating and relationship experiences.

Perfectionism is the behavioral manifestation of being a control freak. Control freaks are miserable people. If a man falls into web of the control freak, he’s going to hate life unless he wants to be bossed around by a dangerously neurotic woman. The woman, in her desire to be a perfect, attempts to control all within her grasp, especially the man in her life

In its pathological form, perfectionism can be damaging. It can take the form of procrastination when used to postpone tasks and self-deprecation when used to excuse poor performance or to seek sympathy and affirmation from other people. In general, maladaptive perfectionists feel constant pressure to meet their high standards, which creates cognitive dissonance when one cannot meet their own expectations. Perfectionism has been associated with numerous other psychological and physiological complications as well.

To make the flag even redder, there’s a relationship between perfectionism and narcissism as observed by researchers. Narcissists are wildly toxic people unfit for dating and intimate relationships

According to Arnold Cooper, narcissism can be considered as a self-perceived form of perfectionism – “an insistence on perfection in the idealized self-object and the limitless power of the grandiose self. These are rooted in traumatic injuries to the grandiose self.”

I’m keenly suspicious of any personality disorder being blamed on “traumatic injuries”, a very nebulous term open to exploitation and rationalization for a having a shitty personality and behaving like crap. The entry goes on.

Narcissists often are pseudo-perfectionists and require being the center of attention and create situations where they will receive attention. This attempt at being perfect is cohesive with the narcissist’s grandiose self-image. If a perceived state of perfection isn’t reached it can lead to guilt, shame, anger or anxiety because he/she believes that he/she will lose the imagined love and admiration from other people if he or she is not perfect.

The take away advice for men is this – when reading online dating profiles and meeting a woman in person for the first time – look for signs of her perfectionism. If in doubt, just ask her. Perfectionism is usually perceived as a positive trait so a woman will proudly state she’s a perfectionist. In actually, however, perfectionism is a serious character flaw. Gentlemen, avoid the perfectionist. That also goes for the guys you know who are perfectionists.

You’re welcome.

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Honest Dating – Repost

[I don’t frequently repost, but this one was worth it. It’s sort of naive considering a woman’s hypergamy but I think central theme needs to be recognized]

My blog-buddy, A.B. Dada, recently tweeted out a link to his Facebook post about “low reward dating”. I’m not a big fan of Facebook so, with his permission, here’s his whole post and link here:

Here’s additional info on his policy regarding anti-copyright (I like it)

A guy trying low reward living in 2014 asked for dating advice in 2015. Guess his TV addicted girl-friend didn’t appreciate him saying no to wasting cash at the bars and foodie crackhouses anymore.

Low reward dating is different. It’s about bonding two people closer together. It isn’t about having fun as much as knitting two disparate threads together without knotting them up or fraying them.

I’ll be writing more about low reward dating throughout 2015, but I told him about a few date ideas:

1. Go to a thrift store together and pick up some cheap musical instruments that you aren’t talented at. It might takes a few thrift stores but you’ll find it. Commit to avoiding the clothing section. Then go home, or to a park, or to a local train station and jam together.

2. Read to her. Toss her cheek on your bare chest on the couch and pick a used book up and read it. Slowly. Use your diaphragm so she takes in the deepest vibrations from your voice.

3. Fishing combined with preparing a meal later from what you’ve caught. Learn how to gather wild greens, too. That’s a full day or weekend planned right there.

I never understood the modern premise of dating. I am going to take my hard earned money and my rare time and take a woman I am attracted to so that she can be wowed by better men than me? Sure, let me take you to a movie to gawk at the ripped actor who spent 16 hour days for 3 months to get in shape. Let me take you to the concert where the more confident guy on drugs is crooning on stage. Let me take you to the bar where the mixologist in a vest and bowtie is going to juggle fancy addictive chemicals for $15 each. Let me take you to a restaurant where an executive chef is slaving others to create an amazing plated experience with rare ingredients you never heard of.

Doesn’t make sense, modern dating. It’s shared consumerism, but it doesn’t make you the winner at the end of the night. You’re just the consumer that is paying with both time and money.

A.B. is spot on. However, I don’t like the term “low reward dating” because the connotations are too negative yet the concept is perfect. Dating must not be about sharing consumerist goals. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and weekend trips sets up terrible future expectations and patterns. As A.B. states, dating is a fundamentally a bonding experience. While courtship is part of it, if the relationship goal is to have an satisfying and intimate relationship then it’s best to focus on the bonding element.

I prefer the term “honest dating”. That’s the process where two people get to know each other with shared activities and conversation without all the overhead of consumerism. If either the man or the woman expect such consumerism, neither party can expect real intimacy. Sure, they’ll enjoy some sexy-time and if that’s what they both want, bonus!

Honest dating is a great filter for winnowing out women who are more concerned with security than forming an intimate bond. Men must have a list of inexpensive but interesting date ideas so he can spend time with his date(s) and not be worried about impressing them with cash and prizes. Here’s the bottom line: charisma trumps cash. A trip to the zoo has more opportunities for wooing a dame than any fancy restaurant or gift of a handbag. If she mistakes a handbag, jewelry, or a fancy dinner for intimacy, she can hope the those things gives her intimacy in return.

[If you liked this (re) post, please support me through my Patreon, thanks!]

Request For Questions

Inspired by this Illimitable Men blog post, I am requesting that my readers send me questions about post-divorce attraction and dating or any subject where curiosity lies.

Some questions I will answer publicly (with permission) through a mail bag blog post or privately with an email from me. Please note, I suck at relationship advice. I have some ideas about relationships but I will likely defer to those who have much better advice.

So, shoot me some questions either via email or with a comment below. Hell, I’ll even answer personal questions, within limits. My email information is here.

I look forward to hearing from you.

The Perils Of Technology (Beware The Facebook Zone)

As I peruse the interwebz looking for interesting and relevant content for my blog, I came across a video from a dating coach, Kezia Noble, who speaks to the issue of Facebook in the context of attraction and dating. She’s fundamentally correct about Facebook. This is especially true for the younger crowd, Kezia’s main focus. Mercifully, men over a certain age can plead ignorance regarding much of social media, especially Facebook. “I don’t do Facebook” is perfectly acceptable. Try that if you’re under 35 years old.

Note, I do have a Facebook account but it is not active and I’ve locked it down to friends and family only and I haven’t updated my timeline in almost a year. It could be more but I simply don’t log into Facebook anymore. Facebook is a stinking digital swamp for post-divorce singles unless updating family and close friends. Just for shits and giggles, Google up the term “Facebook divorce“.

Technology is a galaxy-sized mixed blessing when it comes to attraction and dating. The good things are obvious. It starts with online dating, yet another mixed blessing. Regardless, online dating is one way of contacting women. Texting is another good thing regarding efficient communication. Back in the day, we had land lines and answering machines. We also had public pay phones. That wasn’t so efficient but we made do with what we had.

Technology helps us communicate, this much is true. As social creatures, humans need to communicate. A quick text or a Skype video conversation can go a long way to reinforce social and romantic connections. With technology, we are never out of touch with each other, often regardless of geography. This is certainly a method of connection but it’s certainly not perfect.

It’s now time to talk about the cons of technology in the context of attraction and dating. The worst is that technology can be used as a shield. Texts can be ignored. Calls can be ignored. Skype can be ignored. The worst of it applies to online dating. Men send out messages and no responses are received. This is the catalog nature of online dating. It also strongly points to the failure of technology when attempting to connect individuals in hopes of meeting relationship goals.

What’s the ultimate end result of using technology to facilitate communication between the sexes? Scammers. These are the filth of the earth who are exploiting the need for human interaction in the nebulous world of online dating. Scamming can also be more passive. This is where a person merely seeks validation of desirability with no intention of meeting up in real life. Hell, the African scammers are at least direct in their efforts. The validation scammer is far more conniving and dishonest. Technology allows this to happen.

Let’s get back to Facebook. One of the central tenets in the pick up artistry realm is escalation. The man is the first to ask for the phone number. He is the first to declare (not ask!) the date. He is the first to go for the kiss. When a man asks for a phone number and her response is to go to Facebook, it’s a rejection, pure and simple. She’s using technology as an excuse to protect his feelings.

Once pushed into the Facebook moat, a supplicating simp will attempt to scale the castle walls with Facebook messages and updates. I roll my eye at this. It’s a sad place for a man to be. I’ve watched guys do this. In my past, I’ve done this but it was before Facebook and the landscape of social media.

For guys, the de-escalation into social media must be seen as a total rejection. His response must be that she’s done, she’s gone – never to be contacted again. This is how technology can help a man. It can be a means of gauging how much a woman is attracted to him. If she proffers up her Facebook account in lieu of a phone number, there’s simply not enough interest on her part.

For all post-divorce singles, I will re-iterate my advice – keep your online dating efforts in the background. Spend more time with or similar live events where singles actually see each other face to face, as how it must happen. Yes, it can be intimidating, but without guts, there is no glory.

There’s no small irony that I exploit technology ruthlessly to get these messages out. This is the reality on the ground for content creators like myself. Gutenberg was a good start. Data centers and blogging is a great leap forward (that’s a reference to the scumbag Mao) to reach so many more.

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The War Between The Sexes

I’ve heard this expression often over the past couple of decades. This is the concept that men and women are involved in some type of conflict over ideology, politics, and interpersonal relationships. There is a lot truth to that. As is patently obvious, men and women are different. Such differences result in conflicts.

Yet, men and women want and need each other. Politics and ideology must be dismissed when it comes to interpersonal relationships ‘twixt the sexes. Such a dismissal would reduce the war between the sexes to something more manageable. Ideology and politics have no business in personal relationships. Social justice warriors (SJWs) keep on trying to insert ideology into personal relationships. That’s a huge source of conflict between the sexes.

I have huge pity for the younger generation that must deal with current ideological expectations vis a vis interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex. It has become very polarized but not one sex against the other. Rather, the sexes – male and female – are divided into separate camps, two groups of men, two groups of women. And such polarization is not age-dependent.

It works something like this… the two groups of men consist of those with confidence and charisma (learned or natural) and those without. One group is noticed by women, the other group is ignored by women. There are ways for women to actually notice those invisible men. But frankly, it’s up to men to be noticed. It can be learned and it can be accomplished. Here’s a good start: Being invisible to women is what the majority of men must cope with.

As for women, the two camps are divided as well. One group of women wants to be “strong and independent”, in effect, more masculine. The other camp, the much smaller one, is all about being being feminine. It’s easy to observe the first camp of women, especially from online dating profiles. They describes themselves with masculine words. They also highlight their travels and other achievements that don’t raise her attractiveness to high value men. The feminine women are noticed by men.

Men looking to be more noticeable to women have to watch out for the vicious cycle of lies and misinformation.  This cycle has resulted in something of an psychological arms race where women up their masculinity because they believe (through projection) that men are attracted to masculine women. Guys have to then increase their masculinity even more.

This is an untenable cultural situation. Google up some Maureen Dowd to see how this end game plays out. No one is content except the top-flight Alpha guys who can play the field with a huge age range of women. The high achieving women – in a man’s world – limit more and more of their relationship options as they move up the capitalistic and educational food chain. My dating coach peer, Evan Marc Katz, deals with this constantly. . Another peer, Bobbi Palmer, also copes with this same problem.  Both of these dating coaches have all-female clients: high achieving single women looking to meet their relationship goals.

For guys, the takeaway is this: When doing online dating always look for more feminine profiles. Eschew profiles that use the code-words of bossy and domineering women.  For real life, pay attention to women who make an effort to appear feminine. They may not have perfect figures or faces, but femininity is profoundly alluring and such women almost demand your attention, even if a simple “hello” along with some honest eye contact.

For women, the advice is simple and blunt: Men are not attracted to masculine women. You dames know what to do.

The war between the sexes can easily be reduced to a minor skirmish.

A Most Amazing Comment

[Not too long ago I published one of my blog’s early posts about what men want from women. One of my lurking female readers made an incredible comment that I’m publishing, with her permission, below. I’m not adding any commentary because the comment’s value stands by itself. It’s a very personal comment and I’m tremendously thankful for her input into my blog.

Oh, and she thinks I’m cute.]

I relish this blog. I read the posts and reader comments that truthfully make me wince, but, provide perspective on a topic that is personally relevant for a couple reasons.

The first, is relevance with regards to my future. I am a 46 year old woman who has been married and has grown children. Frankly, I did not manage my marital relationship well as a young woman who married a man who was 30 when I was 19. He treated me well, was an excellent provider and good father. 10 years into the marriage, at 29, I was guilty of having many of the traits echoed within the words I read, here. Despite having recognized it, the damage had been done. Today, I am willing to accept that I will likely never marry, again. Since I am of the opinion that marriage is the domain for establishing a family and home, marrying at this stage in my life or beyond wouldn’t serve any social purpose. Perhaps, it would be offered as a gesture of some other kind, but, even if it were, I would need to consider carefully.

I don’t believe I was fit to marry when I did with what I knew. The role model I had was a woman who embraced the values of pop culture circa 1969-1979. I was a latch-key kid. My mother was the epitome of the disasters of feminism. To an extent, I was a casualty of her example. At some point, information became available and if I was given sufficient intelligence to evaluate this information, then it was my responsibility to determine what I would do with it.
Truth is often not palatable. It is easy enough to rationalize oneself all around it without ever aligning to it. The problem of course is that a person unaligned with the truth is by definition off point. The truth is a straight line that doesn’t deviate. It serves as the ultimate measure of oneself. No wonder it’s not often a welcome visitor.

In any event, by failing in marriage I failed as a mother. That’s simply the truth. My children suffered as a result of my not being competent for marriage and raising a family within it. I cannot go back in time and apply the information I have, today, to what was already done. However, what I can do is raise my voice and tell my daughters what they must know if they expect to successfully marry and raise children of their own. This is an example of some of what I have actually instructed to my daughters:

1. Have and show respect for yourself and for others. Don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, indulging what is in fact petty and unimportant. Feelings are not facts. Emotions are fluid. They change sometimes for reasons that are unrelated to whatever it is you have assigned them to. Therefore, check yourself before demanding anyone spend time addressing your emotional states. You’re confused when emotional and will only confuse the other person. Get clear on managing your feelings before attempting to introduce facts. Remember, feelings are not facts. Your feeling bad does not make it fact that what you have bad feelings about is bad.
It may or may not be. Feelings are useful as instruments to guide your initial sense of direction towards that discovery but they are only as useful as they are correctly understood.

2. If you want to have a happy marriage to a man you find desireable, you cannot expect from him what you should be finding in your relationships with other women. Your husband is not your best girl friend. If he is, you can expect that eventually the marriage will fail because one day you will think you married someone you no longer desire. This will be your fault. You married a man and then expected him to perform as a woman. What did you expect would happen once the man you once desired for being masculine was emasculated by your demands from him to be more like a woman? Don’t go to the hardware store to buy bread. Whatever it is that is satisfied by your friendships with women needs to remain there. Not in your marriage. Similarly, don’t expect to fulfill the role of being a man’s best buddy. Men need to have relationships with other men and you don’t need to like or understand them. You do need to honor and respect those that are made.

3. Sex is not a weapon. It is not a bargaining device. Sex is not owned by you once you marry because you can refuse it. You better get this straight in your head: during marriage, sex is a mutually owned venture. It feeds the engine of your marriage. If you intend on staying married to a man you desire and who wants to remain married to you, you will be generous when feeding the marriage. Sex is the gift of renewal to a married man. It tells him he is on track. He’s man enough for the job. He can slay tigers and conquer enemies. Refuse a man this and you can expect him to eventually leave where he isn’t appreciated.

4. Men and women desire one another for their differences. Men, generally, are attracted to women because of their femininity. Being feminine is neither a weakness nor a tool for manipulation. To be feminine, simply, is to embrace those unique qualities inherent to being female: soft, relationship conscious, loving & alluring. This isn’t to suggest that men are not loving, alluring, etc.. It is to emphasize that men do not desire (generally, and this is speaking to heterosexual men) what is considered masculine, such as physical strength, competetiveness, solution oriented and territorial. It is counter-productive to compete with a man you are in a committed relationship with. Men compete to win. That means a man is wired to crush his opponent. Avoid being your partner’s opponent.

5. Emotional blackmail, like desperation, is not a good look on anyone. Check your motives. Check your words and behavior. Have integrity. Sometimes, women may resort to verbal weapons because this is perceived as a substitute strength. Most women would be at a physical disadvantage if they managed their disputes with men via fist fights. Men, in general, are simply physically larger and stronger. However, consider this: if the relationship requires your employing weapons to manage it, you may be failing your relationship by being the creator of discord that was avoidable. Just think about it when you find yourself sabotaging your relationship with your words.

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? What’s actually important?

I appreciate the forum and thank you for the opportunity to contribute an additional voice.



The Sexiest Part Of A Man’s Body

Note: Several twitter account links are included because I likes me some Twitter. Get yourselves some Twitter and follow me… @man_private

I follow about 1,100 accounts on Twitter. There’s a lot of political and cultural chatter that I take an interest in but rarely re-tweet or respond to with my own tweet(s). I do actively follow younger PUA (Pick Up Artist) guys because some of them are quite good at distilling solid attractive advice for men into cogent tweets. Here’s a great example from BE A PICKUP ARTIST;) @PUA_DATING_TIPS:

Pushovers are wussy, betas who don’t believe they deserve better treatment. GROW A SPINE. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF (with this photo attached).


Scoundrel ‏@ScoundrelBlog Responded with:

What’s the sexiest part of a man’s body?

His spine!

This, in spades. A man’s figurative backbone is the foundation of his confidence. Without that confidence, his attractiveness to women is at its nadir. Do note that I’m not a big fan of the whole alpha/beta binary. Masculine attractiveness is on a scale and is also contextual based on the current social situation, even unrelated to being attractive to women.

This twitter interchange brings us over to the world of professional dating coaches. Bobbi Palmer ‏@BobbiPal – who’s customer base is 100% women – asks:

What is one thing that a man can do that would totally surprise you in today’s world?

My response was this:

Show some backbone. The sexiest part of a man’s body is his spine.

Yes, she was asking that of her overwhelmingly female twitter following but I couldn’t resist because Bobbi is a clever person and knows good information when she reads it.

This is all theory for many guys, I know. Theory without practical steps is useless. So, here are some concrete steps for a man to follow. Yes, I covered this before but it always bears repeating.

  1. Never ask for a date. State that you will have the date. “I’m enjoying this conversation/correspondence, we’re going to have a date.” The follow-up to that is that you plan and execute the date. Don’t make it fancy! Spending so much money on the first date is too much of a risk, for the man and woman alike.
  2. Stand up straight, look the part, and dress one level up from all the other guys. This is not that difficult. Post-divorce guys can easily adopt a classic, masculine style of dress without looking like a fey hipster. In fact, any man over a certain age shouldn’t be trying to dress like some 20-something unless it’s a classic look. As well, men over a certain tend to be heavier and must dress to deal with that. It sickens me to see middle-age guys dress like slobs because it’s “comfortable”. Hell, it sickens me even more to women dress like for the same stupid rationalization.
  3. Work on social skills. The first part of this is actually leaving the house and having an enthusiasm that actually involves being social. This does not mean hanging out in the local dive bar or hanging out at the local lodge. This means getting out of one’s social comfort zone occasionally and then having action social interactions with new people. Keep the politics out of such conversations. If you’re perceived as being a an uninformed political blowhard, you’re relationship goals will never be met. And, I’ll track you down and bitch slap you. If you have a political opinion, just shut up about it in public.
  4. Learn some charisma. This is the hard part. This requires being clever verbally and understanding how a conversation ebbs and flows. There are no easy lessons for this except practice, practice, practice. Even us older guys can figure this out. But see the previous listing as a start. As well, watching ordinary TV sit-coms is a good way to see witty social interplay in action. Note the pacing and inflection in the voices. Emulate that. Back to point one, a man willing to dress better than all the other guys around him is a clear and obvious statement of confidence.

[If you liked this blog post, support my continued efforts through my Patreon or click the Donate button at the top, left side of this page. Thanks!]

Valentine’s Day 2015 – A Rant

Valentine’s Day is a horrible, wretched day. It’s a shit test for men on a corporate scale. It’s a day when men are strong-armed into being mind-readers in order to buy the perfect gift. It’s a day when greedy restauranteurs and florists exploit weak and feckless men into throwing away perfectly good cash in order to satisfy a manufactured need. Up yours, Hallmark. Screw you, fancy eatery. It gets worse, one of my local realtors is imploring men to buy cupcake a freakin’ condo for Valentine’s day!
It’s the day where vulnerable women can boast to their friends about the largesse bestowed upon them by weak and simple boyfriends and husbands. If the poor, stupid fellow didn’t get the right gift, he’s excoriated by her mob of estrogen. Worse, if he has to ask in advance what gift that cupcake desires, he’s excoriated by her for not automatically knowing her wants and needs. Worse, if he does get the perfect gift, the back of her mind is saying “what a wuss and a doormat”. Valentine’s day is a no-win situation for a man.

A man must simply ignore Valentine’s day. There should be no gifts, not even a slight recognition that the day even exists. A man shows his love in so many other and varied ways throughout the course of the year. If he bows down to the corporate will of Hallmark, he’s bowing down, supplicating himself to the faceless corporations that only seek to profit from his pathetic weakness.

If the man’s wife or girlfriend pitches a royal hissy fit, then the man can simply state he’s looking to the Japanese and Korean model of Valentine’s day. In those cultures, the woman give the man gifts and he has to do little or nothing until the next month. For this, I like those cultures. They understand the value of men in the context of a romantic, intimate relationship. Not so much here where Valentine’s day is a huge romantic landmine for men where just venturing into the minefield means he comes out the loser.

Marc Rudov has, in the past, made some publicity hay about boycotting Valentine’s day. I like that. He called it quite well and was willing to state it publicly on TV. His opposite made quite the stink but all his points are correct. He also brought in the concept of chivalry and how it’s dead. Go on ya, Marc! In conclusion, I hope that all my guy readers take this message to heart. Don’t even boycott it, just ignore Valentine’s day… completely and utterly.

Abundance Mentality – An Unintended Consequence

There is much talk in the PUA (Pick Up Artistry) Manosphere about “abundance mentality”. This is the attitude that is recommended for men and it means that there is always a new woman or girl to replace the current one. It’s part of “spinning plates” where a man is dating several women concurrently. Fundamentally, it’s a good attitude for a man to take when dealing with attraction and dating. It’s a great antidote for “oneitis”, when a man becomes too attached and almost obsessed with a particular girl. So, with internalized abundance mentality, a man looks askance at any particular girl and is perfectly willing to send her off knowing that finding another girl is an easy possibility. Bravo.


Hang on.

It’s important that a man understands his own relationship goals. If the relationship goal is to spin plates and have more girls in the pipeline, abundance mentality works perfectly well. If a man’s relationship goal is to have an exclusive relationship with one person, there is a serious downside to abundance mentality.

I’m fully aware that the PUA and MGTOW divisions of the Manosphere advise that a man never enter into an exclusive and committed relationship with a woman. With the wrong woman, this is excellent advice. The unintended consequence of such advice – when combined with internalized abundance mentality – is that ALL women become the wrong woman to commit to. The PUA and MGTOW advice completely ignores that large numbers of men actually do want to find one particular woman with whom to have a healthy, intimate, and committed relationship with. That’s a perfectly valid relationship goal and should be supported.

But with internalized abundance mentality comes the attitude that women, all women, are essentially disposable. The unintended consequence of such an attitude is that a man always finds something wrong with a woman. This, in turn, leads to an inevitable moving on to the next woman. The comparison is the single woman who actively finds reasons to reject a man.

Humans are fallible. It’s part of our nature. In the context of attraction and dating, the fallibility always rises to the surface after a period of time. With abundance mentality, that consistent fallibility becomes an instant reason to reject and walk away. Repeating that pattern makes it extraordinarily difficult for a man to meet his relationship goals if he wants a committed relationship. Perfectly wonderful women are pushed away, almost irrationally.

The solution to this problem is for a man to willingly overlook human flaws but still maintain certain boundaries. As a species, we’re far from perfect. We’re so far from perfect that it’s remarkable how we manage to reproduce. As men and women are different, women need to learn to be more tolerant and accept the flaws of men. For guys with CCCL (confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership), it means becoming more tolerant of the flaws of women and evaluating those flaws in the context of meeting relationship goals.

I Can Write About It Now…

I made a promise. Now, I am no longer held to that promise.

She was a vivacious and alluring woman. I thought I was in love. That passed quickly because I know that actions speak much louder than words. Her actions made it clear. Worse, her lack of words backed it up. It was a crash and burn that I predicted about 48 hours before I took it down. We both dodged a bullet, each other. Three months is a good time frame to understand attraction, compatibility, and future potential for a person you’re involved with.

It was my ability to intuit the situation that made me make this decision. I recently tweeted about it:

“The instant she pulls back is the instant he moves on.”

This is serious stuff for guys looking to get their relationship goals met. Never invest more than she does. If you do, you run a serious emotional risk. Frankly, I made that mistake in this case. My error is an opportunity for you guys to learn. There are clear signs of a woman’s pull-back:

  • Fewer texts or phone calls
  • Diminished physical affection
  • Diminished verbal affection
  • Less availability on her part

These might seem obvious to an outsider but when a man is too much into the forest, he can’t see the emotional lumberjacks sawing away at the trees.

I was close to having a tree fall on my head.  This does not make me cynical. I still believe in love. But this experience does make me yet more cautious and circumspect about women.

For post-divorce guys, the bottom line is this: Bail first, bail often.

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