The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

The War Between The Sexes

I’ve heard this expression often over the past couple of decades. This is the concept that men and women are involved in some type of conflict over ideology, politics, and interpersonal relationships. There is a lot truth to that. As is patently obvious, men and women are different. Such differences result in conflicts.

Yet, men and women want and need each other. Politics and ideology must be dismissed when it comes to interpersonal relationships ‘twixt the sexes. Such a dismissal would reduce the war between the sexes to something more manageable. Ideology and politics have no business in personal relationships. Social justice warriors (SJWs) keep on trying to insert ideology into personal relationships. That’s a huge source of conflict between the sexes.

I have huge pity for the younger generation that must deal with current ideological expectations vis a vis interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex. It has become very polarized but not one sex against the other. Rather, the sexes – male and female – are divided into separate camps, two groups of men, two groups of women. And such polarization is not age-dependent.

It works something like this… the two groups of men consist of those with confidence and charisma (learned or natural) and those without. One group is noticed by women, the other group is ignored by women. There are ways for women to actually notice those invisible men. But frankly, it’s up to men to be noticed. It can be learned and it can be accomplished. Here’s a good start: Being invisible to women is what the majority of men must cope with.

As for women, the two camps are divided as well. One group of women wants to be “strong and independent”, in effect, more masculine. The other camp, the much smaller one, is all about being being feminine. It’s easy to observe the first camp of women, especially from online dating profiles. They describes themselves with masculine words. They also highlight their travels and other achievements that don’t raise her attractiveness to high value men. The feminine women are noticed by men.

Men looking to be more noticeable to women have to watch out for the vicious cycle of lies and misinformation.  This cycle has resulted in something of an psychological arms race where women up their masculinity because they believe (through projection) that men are attracted to masculine women. Guys have to then increase their masculinity even more.

This is an untenable cultural situation. Google up some Maureen Dowd to see how this end game plays out. No one is content except the top-flight Alpha guys who can play the field with a huge age range of women. The high achieving women – in a man’s world – limit more and more of their relationship options as they move up the capitalistic and educational food chain. My dating coach peer, Evan Marc Katz, deals with this constantly. . Another peer, Bobbi Palmer, also copes with this same problem.  Both of these dating coaches have all-female clients: high achieving single women looking to meet their relationship goals.

For guys, the takeaway is this: When doing online dating always look for more feminine profiles. Eschew profiles that use the code-words of bossy and domineering women.  For real life, pay attention to women who make an effort to appear feminine. They may not have perfect figures or faces, but femininity is profoundly alluring and such women almost demand your attention, even if a simple “hello” along with some honest eye contact.

For women, the advice is simple and blunt: Men are not attracted to masculine women. You dames know what to do.

The war between the sexes can easily be reduced to a minor skirmish.


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73 thoughts on “The War Between The Sexes

  1. I’m running into a situation where women look for emotional commitment from me as a requirement for sex. This follows the paradigm that Sex ought to occur within the boundaries of romance and love. Of course, it’s easy to lie and talk love and commitment. These women rule out men of good faith who won’t lie. Love and commitment typically follow sex as far as men are concerned. What these women end up with are con artists. I see this quite a lot where con artists not only convince some women that they love those women, but they end up taking some of the women’s resources.

    Women screen for Dark Triad men and against men of good faith. Is it biological or cultural? I think that it is cultural.

    • If a woman is screening for a dark triad type, she’s not going to be putting off sex. S

      • Love and commitment typically follow sex as far as men are concerned.

        Typically> No. Unfortunately, some women hear guys saying that and believe it. First date sex would be the norm if that was the case.

        Men go looking for sex and find love. Women go looking for love and find sex. A meeting ground of the two approaches comes into play. Usually an escalation of the emotional and sexual if a relationship is to come about.

      • She won’t put off sex with a dark triad type. She doesn’t even realize that she’s screening for a dark triad type.

      • Sex typically (yes, typically) produces oxytocin, which promotes bonding in men. Most men have sex with one woman at a time. Hence, love and commitment typically follow from frequent, regular sex with one woman.

    • Samuel on said:

      It’s biological and cultural. Basically, women were never biologically able to protect themselves from scammers, but until recently culture (ie their fathers and brothers) did it for them. Women aren’t biologically designed to function outside the patriarchy.

      • blue pill thinking ASD. Men and women are different. Even oxytocin works differently on men then on women. It’s all right. There’s plenty of women who think that chicks can do it like a dude, so it shouldn’t suprise me that there’s guys who think men can fall in love like a chick. Sexual bonding is something that (most)women are biologically and even psychologically wired for. Not so much for men. This is why women can end up “catching feelings” in casual relationships. Sexual bonding isn’t love, more like that feeling you have when you wake up and are searching for a cigarette. But, combine that with a romantic relationship, and it can work well. Combine that in a non romantic relationship and it’s disfunctional.

        As for dark triad traits, the fact that these women are screening by putting off sex and seeking romance shows that they are looking for someone non dark triad. Could there be subconscious underpinnings? Sure. Even old fashioned co-dependancy. Or even lack of experience with triad types. More often than not, the “male ideal” is a man who is comfortably confident and yet, not a jerk. There are quite a few in the sphere who would mock this as fried ice. And yet, if you were to do a survey, you would find this come up, over and over again as an answer by women. Most women aren’t attracted to jerks, but all women are attracted to confidence.

      • In men, oxytocin bonding occurs when the man is having sex with one and only one woman on a frequent basis. If a man is spinning several plates, no oxytocin bonding occurs. The bonding is between the woman’s face and the man’s eyes. The man gets a dose of oxytocin every time that he looks at the woman’s face. Oxytocin bonding can occur from dancing a lot with one particular woman in one evening, especially sequential dances. Been there, done that, no-sex bonding sucks.

        Oxytocin bonding in men produces married-man-distancing, where married men tend to keep more distance from strange women than single men.

        Not blue pill. Science.

      • “As for dark triad traits, the fact that these women are screening by putting off sex and seeking romance shows that they are looking for someone non dark triad.”

        Totally backwards. Their experience proves that they paired with dark triads, against their *stated* goals. Likely their amygdalas are in control and their cortexes are hamstering a socially-acceptable goal. These are older women.

      • Asd gamer, levels of oxy leave a man’s system almost immediately after sex. At least that’s what the scientists tell us. I’m a bit leary about that. Here’s the thing, sex enhances bonding after emotional intimacy has been established. Does that mean that other areas of the man’s brain or physiology are being targeted by oxy at that point? I suspect so. But using sex as a way to get a relationship or to keep sexing up a man in the hopes of changing how a man feel’s is a shitty relationship strategy for women. If I had a dollar for every woman who wished that strategy worked, I’d be rich. It’s female hamster food.

        ASD gamer, women end up with dark triad men for any number of reasons. In my list of reasons, I didn’t deny psychological reasons or preferences. Amygdala reasons are as good an opinion as any other. So is being lied to, which is something that you mentioned in your comment. Women aren’t mind readers, sometimes they assess someone wrong.

      • “No sex bonding sucks”

        Well, only if you’re a man getting strung along. Otherwise. it’s part of what we doto establish emotional intimacy. It’s why there should be a dance of male and female strategies. There are selfish women in this world too. Escalation of sexual as well as emotional intimacy require both to have something at stake. Keep in mind, this is a personal opinion and outright blasphemy in the sphere.

      • You all might downvote my posts, but that only proves to me that you are keyboard players and don’t actually meet the opposite sex. I’m going off of my experience in the field.

      • jv, sure, oxytocin leaves within a few minutes after sex. However, if a man is bonded to a woman, he can get oxytocin again by looking at the woman. It’s an addiction cycle. Man sees the bonded woman’s faces, gets dose of oxytocin. Man wants to be near the woman and look at her face.

      • Women who are in the romance-validates-sex (RVS) frame of mind want a man who is emotionally committed to them before they will have sex. Men with options are sexually attractive and avoid commitment. Some attractive men are ethical and aren’t dark triads. They won’t promise commitment. RVS women screen out these ethical, attractive men. That leaves only unattractive men and dark triad men. RVS women obviously also screen out unattractive men. That leaves dark triads. The dark triads promise commitment, but don’t actually give it. RVS women have sex with and give resources to dark triads. RVS women, by their strategy, filter out all men except dark triads who will tell the RVS women what they want to hear.

  2. Men want a sweet nature girl, a goddess in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom.

    Women want a kind man, a gentleman, but a man who will fuck you like a boss.

    There are no mixed messages, like men we want a man for the appropriate occasion.

    For men, the advice is simple and blunt. Women are attracted to masculine. You guys know what to do.

    • When it comes to sex, women want a bold, confident man above all. He must exhibit social skills and engage the woman as a woman, especially playfully. Women want men who have options with other women. Men without options are unattractive. Men who have options frequently behave like jerks because they can do that and still have lots of options. A man who is kind and behaves like a gentleman is great for a relationship, but they tend to be sexually unattractive. Some attractive men are kind. Unattractive men are necessarily kind. Unattractive men frequently pedestalize women. If a man pedestalizes women, he will have strong tendencies to be unattractive. Women will tend to see attractive men as kind and gentlemanly, even if those men really aren’t. Being sexually bold isn’t gentlemanly, but it *is* attractive to women.

      Men want a beautiful woman for pumping. If she is sour or bitter-natured, he will dump her. Sweetness allows her to stay around. A man who is pursuing his mission doesn’t worry about the quality of food that he eats.

      • I think your comments suck so far and therefore I vote accordingly. An alpha male who had game would not have been bothered enough to say anything about it.

      • I admit to being obsessive about stuff–it goes with autism. Idc about your opinions about me–nice try at shame and reframe, tho, lolz. I’d have more respect for your supposedly “scientific” opinion if you didn’t use typical chick “logic.”

  3. Re: ASD on married men keep more distance from strange women than single men. Nonsense. It is usually down to opportunity, or what they have to lose.

    You shouldn’t state it’s science if you don’t know enough on the subject, please see #distractinglysexy . Oxytocin is produced after orgasm in both men and women. Also when breastfeeding (but that is irrelevant to the post).

  4. Ps its #distractinglysexy on twitter, especially for ASD.

    • My autism is very mild. Most people I know never suspect that I’m autistic. My autism manifests itself in a few ways, including a tendency towards obsessive interests and that I have strong sexual inhibitions when I see/meet attractive woman (because I’m married). My equipment doesn’t take notice of attractive women whom I see. Certainly, it will respond if a woman is creepy with her hands on the dance floor–this has happened a few times.

      I kissed two girls the year I turned fourteen and was dropping panties of women I had just met the year after that. I do not have movie star good looks–better than average (say, 7-8). My main attractive attribute was a willingness/confidence to take the risk to approach women whom I didn’t know. I was able to ask the women questions to get them talking about themselves. Then I’d ask them to go outside for a walk, hold hands, etc.

      I am currently writing a book about how social dancing can help give young men advantages that will give them more success, especially including meeting women (along with some other useful stuff, like practical tips for weight loss I learned while losing about 70 lbs.). I go out dancing Fri. and Sat. nights–generally without my wife.

    • Yes I can read, lol. The newpaper article dated 2012 began with ‘researchers have found a monogamy hormone’ which may be interpreted as something new.

      There are various documents 400 to 500 years old where man has written that the world was flat then. They are in Europe, it is not an urban legend.

      I liked your comment at 5.10pm and voted accordingly. To me it was banter (playful exchange of teasing remarks).

      I like to vote because for a long time women were not allowed to vote;) don’t take it personally.

      • If you want to show that man believed that the world was flat, you have to show source docs from the scientific community that identify this.

        Galileo and his contemporaries clearly didn’t believe that the earth was flat. Nor ancient Greek sea captains.

      • Doubling down on your improper reading? “Can be” doesn’t imply “ought to be”. You ought to have read the article more charitably. What was found was a new function/impact for oxytocin. You didn’t read the article accurately. Then you doubled down on your inaccurate reading. Behave.

        And you didn’t grant my point about oxytocin causing married men to keep more distance which you made controversial previously. But, since you’re a woman, I’m sure you expect a pussy pass. Grant the point.

  5. I can guarantee that if a woman is happy for her man to go out on a Friday and Saturday evening without her on a regular basis, she is also doing something fun. You just don’t know about it yet.

    I don’t believe any stories about a man stating he was 15 and regularly “dropping panties of women” as he grossly puts it. Why do men make up these boasting stories and why do others actually believe them.

    You sound like you have an unhealthy relationship. I don’t believe it will last.

    If you post 10 tips for men of what to do to help them find love (or sex in your case) I’ll match you with 10. It could be online dating as everybody is doing it. Lets see who the privateman community find the most useful.

    • Didn’t say “regularly”. You are careless and/or dishonest. If careless, is that a reading issue? But I did drop a few panties when I was 15. Not boasting.

      If you don’t want to believe it, not my problem. Not surprising for someone who wants to live in fantasyland.

      • Men also disagree with some of your science and have commented. You can’t cope with people that disagree with you.

        It is a given for anybody working in the science industry to always question how reliable a study is and if its claims are robust.

        I live in the real world where plenty of people have a different viewpoint and it doesn’t ruin my day.

        Yes it is my belief that the only panty dropping you have done is off somebodies washing line. But I do believe ‘Panty dropper’ (credit to katz for funny comment) would be a good title for your fiction book.

      • Please, more sexy talk on philosophy of science. It’s so appropriate to this blog and induces romance.

        I don’t believe that you have done any research. Any researcher would know better than to automatically discard reports from the field. Researchers accept unconfirmed reports provisionally; they don’t discard them just because they’re unconfirmed.

    • I also didn’t say that my wife was happy that I was going out regularly Fri. and Sat. evenings. I need to do it to get material for my book. It’s my job, as it were.

      • Re: Panty dropper stating researchers accept unconfirmed reports provisionally.

        Absolute baloney and dangerous talk. My field of work is obstetrics. When you look at a paper you look at the size of the study, how it was conducted, can the results be replicated, and many others factors. You never accept unconfirmed reports provisionally.

      • Darlin’, biologists and astronomers accept reports provisionally all the time. Their methodologies are very different from clinical methodologies. You need to get out more. Are you a nurse?

  6. ” Why do men make up these boasting stories and why do others actually believe them.”

    But does anyone actually believe this horseshit? Other than a few other spergs? Men have been boasting about sexual exploits since we all crawled out of the swamp; I almost find it a little endearing, to tell you the truth; it’s nice that some things just don’t change. It’s kind of brave-cute in a pathetic sort of way; like the huge fat gals who boast about their “curves.”

    Panty Dropper: If your wife sits at home while you go out playing Lord of the Dance on the weekends, then, yes, she probably is having her own fun or doesn’t seriously care what you do or who you do it with. It’s hard to say which of those scenarios is worse.

    • You clearly can’t handle a man who wears the pants in a relationship.

      • I should imagine ‘the pants’ are stuck firmly to your bottom, as I don’t believe you have left the sofa in the past 20 years.

      • Ok, I’ll play with you a bit. Already you are focusing on my bottom? And not even a kiss yet? Behave. Alternatively, I could say TPOSU (“titty pics or shut up”). Not my style, though. [wry, amused smile]

    • Actually, my wife is emotionally brittle nowadays, likely from stuff related to me going out solo. Last night she had a breakdown, waterworks, urination and ululation (pissing and moaning), all because I failed to dance the first and last dances with her when I took her out (it was unusual for her to go out with me). Of course, this was a breach of etiquette on my part, but not something that ought to generate questions of loyalty. Mrs. Gamer acknowledged that I lavished attention on her, but she focused on the few times that I was looking for other dance partners. Mrs. Gamer uses anything to question my loyalty and commitment. I once danced with a woman who was wearing shorts (not “crotch” shorts) and Mrs. Gamer came unglued. I’m convinced that she is not BPD or Machiavellian. She just can’t control her emotions.

      Do you see how your comment is so divorced from my relationship dynamics? I’ve been married for over three decades to the same woman. I’ve been going out dancing solo for almost two years. The biggest issues are around the incessant loyalty tests and emotional brittleness. Of course, I’m going to be avoidant under these conditions to protect my own sanity.

  7. The “gender war” is indeed mostly a myth. First of all, we can’t have a war in the first place if one side either surrenders or doesn’t even bother to show up on the battlefield, can we?

    The online world gives the impression that there’s increasing conflict and polarity between the sexes, but this can be misleading. The reality is that Western societies are thoroughly atomized, which means there’s less interaction between the sexes than before. Less interaction equals fewer sources of conflict.

    As far as sexual politics are concerned, I think it’s obvious we’ll see more bitter competition among the various groups seeking to recruit the ever smaller segment of young men still willing to be involved in the game. Groups like tradcons, MRAs, feminists etc.

  8. If you too would like a dysfunctional and unhappy relationship as described by panty dropper… follow his thoughts, advice and reporting of science and facts.

    I believe his profile to be a hoax. I also believe I know of his other profile.

    If you are looking for a healthy and happy relationship… seek advice from a man who has one, advice from a man who you respect and admire. Ask him how he manages it.

    I do not disagree with panty dropper to piss him off. I genuinely disagree.

    I would love it to be true. Divorces rate would be low.

    Personally my advice to women would be shag your men senseless anyway, hopefully they will be too worn out to notice other women or to go out dancing at the weekend.

    I do enjoy reading male blogs. There are some viewpoints I’ve never heard before and advice and thoughts that have been useful, that will make me happier and my man happier.

    • Oh, how cute, mentioning your man like you aren’t hypergamous…heh

      I followed Kate Minter’s advice to hug a woman (Mrs. Gamer in my case) when she is crying and cray-cray and it worked. The Boss is in the house today. Mrs. Gamer is again happy that she loves me.

      Good advice to women to shag their men. However, since women almost universally withhold sex from their men to control men, my advice to men is:

      When women withhold, be bold! If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with, as Stills suggested.

    • “If you too would like a dysfunctional and unhappy relationship as described by panty dropper”

      Our marriage vacillates between the top 20% and bottom 20%. More on top than the bottom. Mrs. Gamer screwed up big time recently and it sucked for a few weeks. I was ready to dump her. She chased me and agreed to make some changes and I’m ready to give it another go.

      I know that you want to blame me for my relationship problems because you’re a woman and you don’t like my lifestyle because you think that it gives me too much of an advantage over another woman. Rah, rah, Team Woman. Blue Pill.

      Men, to be attractive to women, including women in committed relationships, must have options. It’s a basic Rollo Tomassi maxim.

  9. Feeling a bit disappointed. The rest of you comments I found vapid and didn’t hold my interest enough to say anything further. Just a lot of blah, blah, and some tries at shame and reframe.

  10. Re: the advice I found useful

    It was the giving compliments and letting my man know he’s appreciated. I took it for granted he knew that he made me happy. Vocalising it has made a difference. I let him know that he is a Sex God, in my eyes.

    I was a little bit naïve thinking that he could keep it to himself. I have had to put up with some teasing from his pals when they had had a drink and let it slip that he had told them. He has had a stern warning not to divulge anything more.

    Like he cares, too busy strutting around. If we have a disagreement now he just shrugs his shoulders and says ‘yeh, but I’m a Sex God.’ We both end up laughing, end of argument.

    Better than the male shit test that Lord of the Dance did on his missus.

    • Men don’t 5h1t-test. Idk what ur talking about.

    • Well done complimenting ur man. Betas need compliments. Mrs. Gamer compliments me, too, but I already know my impact on her without the compliments, because I can read her. Like you said, “I took it for granted that he knew that he made me happy.” I know.

      Yeah, men like to brag. Sucks. The reason I mentioned my early panty dropping (happened around 40 years ago) is because people assume that because a man is autistic that he lacks sexual experience. In that respect, I’m far from ur typical autistic man. I’m a natural. My game is almost entirely subvocals (think laser-eye and slow, low speech) combined with kino and instigation. Very little clever wordplay.

      • Male shaming! Insinuating my man is a Beta. Incorrect.

        Ha ha ha ha ha… laser eye and slow, low speech…. sounds like care in the community on a day out.


      • Heh, I’ll see what uplifting photos I can dig up. Be patient.

        If I saw you on the street, you’d notice that I held your gaze, if you’re attractive enough for me to notice you.

        Gotcha! Didn’t say that your man was beta. But if he needs for you to compliment him to know the score…. 😦

        Mrs. Gamer gave me a nice compliment…better than a vibrator. Throughput!

        My college gf gave me another…best makeout she’d ever known. Said she’d get tingles in class just thinking about me. (She was actually more graphic in her speech, heh.)

  11. I liked this statement from the OP:

    “For real life, pay attention to women who make an effort to appear feminine. ”

    Some feminine makeup (not goth or emo), long hair, skirt or dress, submissive attitude. These get my attention. Most (masculine) men’s.

    • WTF I agree.

      I was taught an ugly woman is a lazy one. (I’m not American).

      I have been taught the art of femininity and the essence of being a woman.

  12. Yet another hilarious comment thread. Men can indeed be rather pathetic, in their own peculiar ways.

  13. Sick (usually old) men want a nurse. Poor (often immigrant) men want a purse. UMC men also want a purse when it comes to LTRs.

    The “nurse & purse” meme is just propaganda–an effort to mitigate the impact of the realization by men of women’s AF/BB strategy. The propaganda is that men are just the same–the lie is that GMALT (generally…) when it comes to “nurse&purse” just like GWALT as far as AF/BB is concerned.

  14. Awww… I think we’ve bonded. OMG you ARE a panty dropper, you just made me laugh. First step in panty dropping.

  15. Darlin, it was fated. You could tell (from my confident, engaging attitude–have to say this for my male readers) that I was a panty dropper. You just had to make sure. Women don’ wan’ no steenkeeng betas (unless that’s their best option–i.e., betabux).

    On my side, I’m used to getting attention from women, so of course that showed through, even online. I get a lot quicker response in person, due to my Frame and subvocals, which show a lot stronger in person. (This paragraph is for my male readers.)

    Our helter-skelter convo got me thinking about The Chase ™. Have you read my post about Sexual Macrodynamics yet? I’d like to get your thoughts about it.

    And…I wonder about your Finishing School…did they teach you that asking for d1ck pics was feminine? heh

    Of course you noticed that I never did hint again about titty pics. Oops! How do I say this without seeming to ask for them? But you already knew that I was only teasing about them, didn’t you? (Again, for my male readers.)

  16. Darlin… one day Kanske is going to find you, get you drunk on whiskey and you will wake up in the morning with ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ tattooed on your bottom.

  17. I will ask your brother tonight.

    You need to up your game. Asking for a womans thoughts and open questions!

    • Lol, my brother doesn’t know 5h1t from shinola about me. You need to learn to dance if you’re gonna get my attention.

      Last time I asked a broad an open-ended question–what one thing would she change about her life–she replied that she’d like to be in a relationship with a hawt guy. The four letter word (relationship) made me nauseous. My relationship type is aloof and avoidant. MGTOW-ish.

      Why is it that women don’t ask men the open-ended questions?

  18. Laughing… because you do have a brother.

    Right back at you.

    If a single guy asks a single girl her thoughts and open questions, yes it would always work.

    Women ask open questions daily. We ask you what you would like for your dinner all the time.

    I would never guess a mans favourite whiskey. Too serious a question. I would always ask.

    I think I should retire from this particular post and comments now, as after all it is a male blog, else the mob will have me for being a special snowflake and a limelight hoover, nice playing 😉

  19. Pingback: Recognizing Our Feminine And Masculine Energy | Dames That Know

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