A Most Amazing Comment
[Not too long ago I published one of my blog’s early posts about what men want from women. One of my lurking female readers made an incredible comment that I’m publishing, with her permission, below. I’m not adding any commentary because the comment’s value stands by itself. It’s a very personal comment and I’m tremendously thankful for her input into my blog.
Oh, and she thinks I’m cute.]
I relish this blog. I read the posts and reader comments that truthfully make me wince, but, provide perspective on a topic that is personally relevant for a couple reasons.
The first, is relevance with regards to my future. I am a 46 year old woman who has been married and has grown children. Frankly, I did not manage my marital relationship well as a young woman who married a man who was 30 when I was 19. He treated me well, was an excellent provider and good father. 10 years into the marriage, at 29, I was guilty of having many of the traits echoed within the words I read, here. Despite having recognized it, the damage had been done. Today, I am willing to accept that I will likely never marry, again. Since I am of the opinion that marriage is the domain for establishing a family and home, marrying at this stage in my life or beyond wouldn’t serve any social purpose. Perhaps, it would be offered as a gesture of some other kind, but, even if it were, I would need to consider carefully.
I don’t believe I was fit to marry when I did with what I knew. The role model I had was a woman who embraced the values of pop culture circa 1969-1979. I was a latch-key kid. My mother was the epitome of the disasters of feminism. To an extent, I was a casualty of her example. At some point, information became available and if I was given sufficient intelligence to evaluate this information, then it was my responsibility to determine what I would do with it.
Truth is often not palatable. It is easy enough to rationalize oneself all around it without ever aligning to it. The problem of course is that a person unaligned with the truth is by definition off point. The truth is a straight line that doesn’t deviate. It serves as the ultimate measure of oneself. No wonder it’s not often a welcome visitor.
In any event, by failing in marriage I failed as a mother. That’s simply the truth. My children suffered as a result of my not being competent for marriage and raising a family within it. I cannot go back in time and apply the information I have, today, to what was already done. However, what I can do is raise my voice and tell my daughters what they must know if they expect to successfully marry and raise children of their own. This is an example of some of what I have actually instructed to my daughters:
1. Have and show respect for yourself and for others. Don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, indulging what is in fact petty and unimportant. Feelings are not facts. Emotions are fluid. They change sometimes for reasons that are unrelated to whatever it is you have assigned them to. Therefore, check yourself before demanding anyone spend time addressing your emotional states. You’re confused when emotional and will only confuse the other person. Get clear on managing your feelings before attempting to introduce facts. Remember, feelings are not facts. Your feeling bad does not make it fact that what you have bad feelings about is bad.
It may or may not be. Feelings are useful as instruments to guide your initial sense of direction towards that discovery but they are only as useful as they are correctly understood.
2. If you want to have a happy marriage to a man you find desireable, you cannot expect from him what you should be finding in your relationships with other women. Your husband is not your best girl friend. If he is, you can expect that eventually the marriage will fail because one day you will think you married someone you no longer desire. This will be your fault. You married a man and then expected him to perform as a woman. What did you expect would happen once the man you once desired for being masculine was emasculated by your demands from him to be more like a woman? Don’t go to the hardware store to buy bread. Whatever it is that is satisfied by your friendships with women needs to remain there. Not in your marriage. Similarly, don’t expect to fulfill the role of being a man’s best buddy. Men need to have relationships with other men and you don’t need to like or understand them. You do need to honor and respect those that are made.
3. Sex is not a weapon. It is not a bargaining device. Sex is not owned by you once you marry because you can refuse it. You better get this straight in your head: during marriage, sex is a mutually owned venture. It feeds the engine of your marriage. If you intend on staying married to a man you desire and who wants to remain married to you, you will be generous when feeding the marriage. Sex is the gift of renewal to a married man. It tells him he is on track. He’s man enough for the job. He can slay tigers and conquer enemies. Refuse a man this and you can expect him to eventually leave where he isn’t appreciated.
4. Men and women desire one another for their differences. Men, generally, are attracted to women because of their femininity. Being feminine is neither a weakness nor a tool for manipulation. To be feminine, simply, is to embrace those unique qualities inherent to being female: soft, relationship conscious, loving & alluring. This isn’t to suggest that men are not loving, alluring, etc.. It is to emphasize that men do not desire (generally, and this is speaking to heterosexual men) what is considered masculine, such as physical strength, competetiveness, solution oriented and territorial. It is counter-productive to compete with a man you are in a committed relationship with. Men compete to win. That means a man is wired to crush his opponent. Avoid being your partner’s opponent.
5. Emotional blackmail, like desperation, is not a good look on anyone. Check your motives. Check your words and behavior. Have integrity. Sometimes, women may resort to verbal weapons because this is perceived as a substitute strength. Most women would be at a physical disadvantage if they managed their disputes with men via fist fights. Men, in general, are simply physically larger and stronger. However, consider this: if the relationship requires your employing weapons to manage it, you may be failing your relationship by being the creator of discord that was avoidable. Just think about it when you find yourself sabotaging your relationship with your words.
Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? What’s actually important?
I appreciate the forum and thank you for the opportunity to contribute an additional voice.
So very true!
Lots of good stuff in this post from a woman. Whodathunkit?
I have found that with age comes wisdom for a lot of women, but there are lots of broken marriages prior to that. Fortunately, for men, there are foreign women who tend to learn these lessons from their mother and do not make these mistakes – unfortunately, most American women are too consumed by anger at the results of their own failings, to pass useful knowledge along. But such is life…
Reblogged this on Crossing Against the Light.
Yeah that’s a tough pill. Shame really that more women that could benefit will not see or hear it. And highly unlikely they would accept and understand even if they did see it.
I’ve been through the exact scenario over my 25 year marriage. It’s a miracle we’re even still together. She has deep regrets and I have deep anger. When you screw up it doesn’t mean you quit loving the other. Sometimes you can keep it together, sometimes you can’t.
A sad state of affairs, these marriages these days. 😦
To the woman who made this comment: Bravo!
the words are too little, too late, and will be drowned out by the leftist media monolith like grains of sand sprinkled onto the ocean. The sage advice of this woman will largely not even get the chance to reach the others, and of the few she reaches, the majority of them will be willfully deaf to it.
Sadly, in this age, only experience can teach this lesson to women, and even then, some are so masterfully, deeply, and completely indoctrinated, they could stare at reality burning like the sun and still persist in delusion till their final breath.
Nevertheless, there is reason to take hope. A reckoning is coming, and while the forces pushing the social agenda for the past 50 years may think they are gods, they are far from it, and they will be awakened to that fact in the starkest way.
Thank you for this feedback. I agree that for myself, there is no rectifying what has been done. I also agree that my position and my acquired beliefs will have no bearing on the world EXCEPT the difference it will potentially have for my children (two sons, 28 & 26, and two daughters, 24 & 21).
Though it is a small effect, it is one that matters most to me (for obvious reasons). But, beyond my self-interest, my expectation is that my children will build upon and improve what they have learned and also that they will not stop at the surface meaning but incorporate a deep understanding of the principles and implications towards not only their own lives, but to society as a whole.
I am sure I am not the only woman who has made it an imperative to extoll upon their children values and information that they have learned as I have, by screwing up and wanting better for the future.
Not necessarily their own, but for those who may walk down that same dangerous path.
Being a failure as a parent, frankly, is perhaps the worst failure of any one can make. It seems that once one realizes their failings they would feel compelled to stop doing whatever it is that caused it and to make restitution in whatever way possible, no matter how feeble the cure.
It has to start somewhere.
This, of course, requiring an individual to consider and realize their obligation to contribute meaningfully to society, not for their own sake or interests, but for their acknowledgment of something higher than themselves.
My patience for men and women that argue the merits of modern feminism exists as a shallow pool that I will dip into only if there are indications that the person I’m engaged with has the ability and desire to consider what is being said. Speaking to anyone that has become a puppet to their emotions or another person’s agenda squanders time.
Until every one of us, man or woman, is willing to let go of the insane belief that the highest goal is their own personal happiness, we have reason to be concerned about not just the hope for marriage in the future, but for the continuation of society.
Ted Bundy was quite happy pursuing the torture of death of others. Obviously, pursuit of personal happiness is, at best, nice to have when it doesn’t deny others a right to their own, but to tout it as one’s inherent and most important right is the mark of insanity.
Just my opinion, but, it is the most frequent basis for most of the reasoning I’ve heard for justifying beliefs and behaviors that I happen to find dangerous, stupid and pathological.
Two of the best phrases EVER:
“feelings are not facts”
“Until every one of us, man or woman, is willing to let go of the insane belief that the highest goal is their own personal happiness, we have reason to be concerned about not just the hope for marriage in the future, but for the continuation of society.”
It often takes mistakes to learn wisdom, but those phrases certain capture hard-learned lessons. Bravo, and good luck.
Your logic fails you. Men and women are on opposite ends of the spectrum. If you are a regular reader of private man you’d have heard that masculine attracts the feminine and vice versa.
It’s in a man’s best interests to make his happiness a priority and for a woman to make his happiness a priority. The happier a man is the more resources he will devote to the relationship and the more financially, emotionally and materially stable she will be…and it goes round and round.
I truly appreciate this woman’s candor. A woman like this is truly worth knowing. The dynamic set in motion by 2nd wave feminism has put the culture into a terminal nose dive. There is no ejection seat.
Reblogged this on MGTOW 2.0.
Thank you, E-L, for these powerful words of wisdom. I sincerely hope that others here are proven wrong about the likelihood of your message finding a wider audience, as it is needed now more than ever.
Maybe you continue to heal and find renewed strength and happiness in life.
One woman out of, say, 100,000 is capable of this much self-examination.
Very few other women will see this and learn from it.
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