The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “January 31, 2015”

Honest Dating

My blog-buddy, A.B. Dada, recently tweeted out a link to his Facebook post about “low reward dating”. I’m not a big fan of Facebook so, with his permission, here’s his whole post and link here:

Here’s additional info on his policy regarding anti-copyright (I like it)

A guy trying low reward living in 2014 asked for dating advice in 2015. Guess his TV addicted girl-friend didn’t appreciate him saying no to wasting cash at the bars and foodie crackhouses anymore.

Low reward dating is different. It’s about bonding two people closer together. It isn’t about having fun as much as knitting two disparate threads together without knotting them up or fraying them.

I’ll be writing more about low reward dating throughout 2015, but I told him about a few date ideas:

1. Go to a thrift store together and pick up some cheap musical instruments that you aren’t talented at. It might takes a few thrift stores but you’ll find it. Commit to avoiding the clothing section. Then go home, or to a park, or to a local train station and jam together.

2. Read to her. Toss her cheek on your bare chest on the couch and pick a used book up and read it. Slowly. Use your diaphragm so she takes in the deepest vibrations from your voice.

3. Fishing combined with preparing a meal later from what you’ve caught. Learn how to gather wild greens, too. That’s a full day or weekend planned right there.

I never understood the modern premise of dating. I am going to take my hard earned money and my rare time and take a woman I am attracted to so that she can be wowed by better men than me? Sure, let me take you to a movie to gawk at the ripped actor who spent 16 hour days for 3 months to get in shape. Let me take you to the concert where the more confident guy on drugs is crooning on stage. Let me take you to the bar where the mixologist in a vest and bowtie is going to juggle fancy addictive chemicals for $15 each. Let me take you to a restaurant where an executive chef is slaving others to create an amazing plated experience with rare ingredients you never heard of.

Doesn’t make sense, modern dating. It’s shared consumerism, but it doesn’t make you the winner at the end of the night. You’re just the consumer that is paying with both time and money.

A.B. is spot on. However, I don’t like the term “low reward dating” because the connotations are too negative yet the concept is perfect. Dating must not be about sharing consumerist goals. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and weekend trips sets up terrible future expectations and patterns. As A.B. states, dating is a fundamentally a bonding experience. While courtship is part of it, if the relationship goal is to have an satisfying and intimate relationship then it’s best to focus on the bonding element.

I prefer the term “honest dating”. That’s the process where two people get to know each other with shared activities and conversation without all the overhead of consumerism. If either the man or the woman expect such consumerism, neither party can expect real intimacy. Sure, they’ll enjoy some sexy-time and if that’s what they both want, bonus!

Honest dating is a great filter for winnowing out women who are more concerned with security than forming an intimate bond. Men must have a list of inexpensive but interesting date ideas so he can spend time with his date(s) and not be worried about impressing them with cash and prizes. Here’s the bottom line: charisma trumps cash. A trip to the zoo has more opportunities for wooing a dame than any fancy restaurant or gift of a handbag. If she mistakes a handbag for intimacy, she can hope the handbag gives her intimacy in return.

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