The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Comment Gold

The comments on my blog posts are consistently good. Every n0w and then a new commenter shows up with something special. A female reader stumbled onto my humble blog and commented on this post. The comment is rather buried because it’s a response to an existing comment. So, here’s the whole comment with notes from me in boldface:

I admit as a young woman I drank the Kool-Aid. It was the late 70’s and in college most of my friends also drank the Kool-Aid.

I remember moving down south to Manhattan Beach, CA in the early 80’s thinking I would stay for 5 years or so and move back north and find a nice job teaching kindergarten. I eventually found a job making fantastic money in a unrelated field. I wanted nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and raise and nurture the kids and figured we could live on my husband’s salary and bank my income or we could live on my salary and bank his.

What I didn’t figure on was he drank the Kool-Aid too. [What’s good for the goose is good for the gander]

He saw no problem living the DINK lifestyle while my clock was ticking. He loved going to parties, parading his pretty little wife around on his arm both of us making six figures and weren’t we just the hottest, upwardly mobile couple around. Let’s just say we are no longer a couple but I stayed too long wanting to make things work.

What I can remember from that time is there was tremendous guilt placed on women who wanted to be stay-at-home moms. Tremendous guilt. I can remember some of my college friends who were SAHM’s and felt the need to apologize for staying at home and raising children and creating a home for the family. What happened that we had to apologize for wanting to raise kids in a warm and loving environment? Kool-Aid [feminism, she can’t bring herself to type the word] happened.

I happened on this blog by accident and wasn’t aware there was this conversation taking place out there. My friends and I do discuss the lies we believed. Somehow we could have it all (at the same time) and there would be no price paid. It really is laughable. [But blue pill wisdom clings desperately to the “having it all” lie.]

I can’t tell you how many people my age now see the lie for what it is and believe me most of my girlfriends have sat down with both their girls and boys and had a serious Come-to -Jesus meeting about real life. [Most of it will fall on ears made deaf by media messages.]

Women my age feel like cannon fodder and we are not going to let our children be used in this way. [The system won’t let you.]

Women who experienced 2nd wave feminism and bought into it are reaping what they sowed. But there’s no going back. A small number of angry and vocal women completely changed the social expectation and the socio-economic system adjusted accordingly with quiet cunning. Worse, the Betty Friedans of the world created another small but outrageously vocal group of angry young women who are doing their best to make more Kool-Aid and force it down society’s throat.

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32 thoughts on “Comment Gold

  1. Liz on said:

    I’m a recent blog reader too, and this is my first comment. It takes me back …

    In college in the late 1970s, I could never understand why “women can do anything” did not include “women can be full time housewives.” It seemed like the slogan was “women can do anything a man does, and things women used to do aren’t worth doing.” [The two most radical co-eds I knew also gave up shaving their legs in the name of feminism, but insisted on shaving their underarms. They couldn’t see the contradiction.]

    Eventually I was in a position to fulfill my career aspirations. I had two high energy children, raised vegetables, made marmalade, and pizza dough, sewed, knitted. I felt good about my life, but my (now ex) husband drank the Kool-Aid, and thought less of me because I didn’t have a “proper job.”

    I remember overhearing a mommy on the playground bragging that she couldn’t cook. Bragging?

  2. DC Phil on said:

    One of the most blatant contradictions out there, and which persists today, was that women could do anything a man could. Clearly untrue. If so, then we’d have more men be roustabouts now, wouldn’t we?

    Also, what her hubby did at the time was proto-Manosphere behavior. He just didn’t know it at the time. 🙂

    • Looking back perhaps he was early Manosphere. He certainly kept all accounts and real estate separate. We each had our own bank accounts and 1 mutual checking account which he transferred money into monthly to cover expenses. He was generous and I didn’t want for anything. I was earning money but at the time no one else I knew had this arrangement and I thought it odd at the time.

  3. Love it.

    I can sympathize. On many an occasion, when I mentioned that I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom for a living, I received the comment “But you’re so smart!” Um, excuse me? So the talking point seems to be that SAHM is beneath an “intelligent” woman.

    Frackin’ kool-aid indeed.

  4. The stories of new people to this way of thinking never get old.

    • While I agree that the feminist movement is a disappointment and a runaway train I’m not so sure I’m ready to sign onto the Manosphere movement. I agree that liberalism has run amuck but what makes you so sure that at some point in the future young men aren’t going to say, “Hey wait a minute. We were promised xxxx and this isn’t how it was suppose to turn out. I didn’t sign up for this. This is just wrong.”

      We’re playing around with future generations of life. I want the best life for both my grandsons and my granddaughters. Dropping out can’t be the best alternative.

      • But the Manosphere isn’t about dropping out (though there is a certain element of men who believe this, because they’re still swamped by the kool-aid), it’s about re-engaging in a way that recognizes that masculine balance is a necessary element to successful male-female relationships. Teaching men to unlearn the absurdities of feminism is a noble thing.

  5. tim-

    i whole heartedly agree. but as more and more men step away from marriage altogther, what these women tell their daughters will be irrellevant.

    • So I’m curious, “What do you tell your daughters?” Doesn’t anyone in the Manosphere have girls?

      • sf-

        he’s letter to his daughter is the second letter.

        http://dannyfrom504.com/detinennui32s-advice/

      • I write about my daughter all the time. Sometimes I write to her. In fact often I do. Here is a copy of something I wrote about her sort of in the form of a letter from a few years ago:

        See that little person to my right? That is my oldest daughter Chloe.

        This tiny six year old is such a remarkable person I can’t even stress it enough. She is boisterous, funny, happy, smart, rich in character, sweet, thoughtful, playful, innocent, well read (for a 6 year old), extremely intelligent, cute, polite, and just plain radical.

        I love raising her. If she weren’t around I would be in a jail somewhere. Or maybe drug binging with a bunch of losers somewhere. Or maybe even fucking dead, as a doornail. I’m a crazy fuck. I live life on the edge, way on the edge.

        But alas I have my babe. She grounds me. But I like to think I bring a little of my “edge” to our relationship. We’re still breaking into abandoned warehouses together and doing fun things that most people don’t do.

        But she keeps me in check. She allows me to be responsible. I am entirely and totally 100% accountable for her turning into a level headed grown woman. She looks at me like a motherfucking god. She carefully construes everything I say, everything I do, every move I make, as her own reality. I guarantee if I tell her something, she will take that as an absolute certainty.

        I have her complete 100% trust. Everything she believes and understands about men and life in general is through me. It’s a HUGE undertaking. And a gigantic responsibility to practically dedicate ¼ of your life to raising a tiny person into a fantastic adult.

        And I thrive on it. I love it. As I might have mentioned before, there is nothing more precious than the Daddy/Daughter relationship. I tell her I love her 100 times a day. I hug her more. I kiss her more than that. She has a thousand nicknames, and even more retired ones. We are a team. I don’t want her to get older. But you know, I said that last year and this year is even better than the last.

        Each passing month goes on and she gets a little taller and a little bigger and understands how to read, write, and comes in tune with her emotions more. She comes in touch more with this planet and realizes life outside of her little bubble. I love her even more every waking moment. With each passing day, each morning waking her up and seeing her smile, it makes me more of a man.

        This little girl has increased my depth of a person by amounts unsurpassed I could have ever imagined.

        My babe and me? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

        I love you Chloe.

        Love,
        Daddy
        365 Day 119

  6. Danny,
    The letter to daughters is well thought out and a must read for every little girl. But, you wrote that as men step away from marriage my advice to my daughters to marry and have families young becomes irrelevant. So, my thought is that’s fine for men but what about your daughters or granddaughters? If men step away where do your daughters or granddaughters step to? What kind of life is left for them?

    Am I missing something?

    • Wilson on said:

      “Marry” a Latina

    • JulesK on said:

      sf, your posts are amazing. You have that gentleness of spirit that the right sort of man would prize, and yet you are no fool, despite staying “too long”. It happens. It’s what people do when they think they’re married to the person they’ll build a life with. You are right to be cautious about some of the ideas here, and the motivations for those ideas. As for what to tell your daughter. Tell her that if she is very lucky, she will meet a man who truly wants to build a life with her. Otherwise, she should have no part of the modern “dating” scene. Yes, be alone if she must. I think this is harder for some. Certainly don’t serial date like I see many women do (and they definitely suffer for it). Don’t give your body and your heart away for a few crumbs of affection and faint hints of commitment. People *do* still have great marriages that last. I know a few (just a few, but they’re not quite unicorns). They’re just exceedingly rare, and something no woman should count on as a sure thing. Try to make sure she knows good men in her life, role models who will serve as reminders of what men can be.

  7. darlingdoll on said:

    The most common thing I hear from women who are trying to argue the benefits of feminism is that feminism is what gave women the choice to stay home or go to work. However, that choice was always there; the feminist movement did no such thing.

    What feminism did do was exactly what your commenter said. It made women feel guilty for not choosing to buy into the propaganda, for choosing to stay in their natural gender roles. Feminists want to convince women that choosing to stay home with their children is selfish, that wanting to serve their men is oppressive, and that wanting to defer to their husbands decisions and lead will set women back hundreds of years.

  8. turling on said:

    “What I can remember from that time is there was tremendous guilt placed on women who wanted to be stay-at-home moms.”

    That hasn’t changed. Ask my wife, she gets the guilt all the time.

  9. Ton on said:

    I told my daughter to
    not be a whore
    Be charming
    kill your sense of entitlement
    Add value to a man’s life.

    She is engaged to a young SF captain who swore he’d never marry.

  10. Women my age feel like cannon fodder and we are not going to let our children be used in this way.

    I feel for her, I really do.

    The thing is, as Danny says and as the OP pointed out, the social landscape has been seriously and semi-permanently altered. Men are unlikely to become more marriage-minded any time soon; they are likely to become less so, in fact. So your (and my) daughters will have the incredible privilege of being a wife and mother only if they are able to interest a man in that. This means women aren’t just going to “choose” this; they are going to have to put serious effort into making themselves appealing to the reduced population of men who would have any interest in having a traditional wife.

    It’s a bit late in the game for women en masse to tell men “Whoopsie, we kind goofed up this whole feminist career girl thing. Mind if we just head back to kitchen on your dime now?”

  11. When I was just out of high school in the early 1980s, getting married & having kids wasn’t really even an option that was ever mentioned, much less SAHM. The only people I knew doing that were my hard core Catholic cousins. At the time I didn’t even know of any out of wedlock babies born. Maybe I lived a sheltered life!

    My husband & I didn’t even marry until a decade after getting together (mid 90s), after we bought a house & right before we opened a business. We figured if we were going to sign a bunch of contracts together we might as well make everything official. Before that we were just like everyone else we knew; everyone was in very long term relationships, no marriage, no kids.

    None of our friends were having kids; none of my siblings were having kids – it was very unfashionable! Now, all the kids I know (early 20s) are popping out babies right & left. It is now very fashionable! It’s just that being married while doing so is not. Oh, & they all are completely tattooed from head to toe with those big gauge earrings & face studs, etc.

  12. Meer on said:

    Please someone help:

    I used to always think I was a good girl because I was less slutty compared to what it seemed other girls were doing (though I don’t know the real average in my peer-group) — but am realizing now that ever since my first love that I am, indeed, promiscuous.

    I am 22 and have not had intercourse, but I have had oral with 3 guys in total — yet have fooled around with 6 or 7 guys in total =(

    I don’t know how to live with this. I am so scared I’ll never be loved/accepted by a guy and that I can no longer properly bond etc.

    It’s like I have destroyed my chances of happiness and yet still find it hard to control myself.

    I feel dread and desire to cry when I think about this topic. I can’t lie because then I have to live with a knot in my stomach forever, but I can’t tell the truth either (to potential husbands in the future) because then they’ll be mad that I was easy with others but hardtoget with them.

    Is there any way of reconciling this? I really don’t want to be doomed =’( I find it so hard to control myself because of insecurity, heartbreak, etc etc. and feels like by now I’m no longer a good girl; just damanged goods. =’( I always valued chastity and so refrained from intercourse but I’m realizing that wasn’t enough–that I shouldn’t’ve went through the loophole.

    How do I live on?

    P.S. I’m trying to leave this comment in several red pill sites but so far barely any response and I’m so emotionally worried over this so gonna try so more

    • I’m going to tweet out this comment so you can get some better responses.

    • 3 guys? You want to make that a nice even number. Email me.

    • The overly dramatic nature of this comment makes it smell like troll…

      But if you’re not trolling: this ain’t too bad. Definitely not bad enough to give you this anxiety. Most guys (with self respect and options) tend to be mostly comfortable with a sexual history of up to 4 – 5 guys. If you’re quality in every other area – attractive, cool, low-drama, feminine etc – they may tolerate up to 10…although they’ll need some time to digest the information. (Number is also age and context dependent.) This approximate number also comes with the assumption there was a little fooling around with others. You’re pretty well within a reasonable sexual history, as long as you don’t let it grow too much from here.

      Try not to do sexual shit with guys until you’re actually in an exclusive relationship. Don’t be scared of losing them if you don’t put out early. A guy who stays with you is probably better long term material. Guys around here will say they won’t wait longer than 3 dates to fuck a girl – but they’re obviously not the sorts of guys you should get in relationships with. (e.g. Heartiste or Roosh.)

      And try not to be a make-out slut either. Make out sluts are weird.

  13. Sis on said:

    @Meer, what you do is you stop being promiscuous, starting TODAY, and when your future love interest asks about your past, you blush and smile “innocently” and refuse to talk about sex. And you don’t sleep with him until after the wedding, not after the ring, the wedding. .

  14. Sis on said:

    Or, you meet a very kind, loving, forgiving man. You risk telling him, he is hurt deeply but accepts you as you are or rejects you, or holds it against you; it is a risk and you know it. The price of honesty and a clear conscience are high, but sometimes it’s worth it.

  15. Meer on said:

    Ah thank you all for actually responding thoughtfully =P

    And no, I assure you I’m not a troll — it’s very annoying to be called that when you’re legitimately looking for answers.

    Problem is I’ve realized a week ago that it’s hard for me to cotnrol myself so the number of guys I’ve fooled around with (i.e. manually masturbated with (?)) is now 7 or so. So it’s like…it’s easy to not put out oral or real sex but to withhold anything else is difficult and I feel it has already tainted me in a major way.

    I am currently dating a guy and we really like each other (I see long term potential with him) but he knows I’ve fooled aorund (but doesn’t know about oral, but knows I’m still a technical virgin): I wasn’t able to control myself and so we fooled around after a few weeks of dating. He is still unchanged in his convictions but it just scares me that he knows too much about my past etc. plus this means that if I decide I don’t want this guy….I have increased my count for no reason =( I wish I had better self control.

    So @Arronski — my count is actually high if you count fooling around with others, that’s the problem –although the 3 orals disgusts me already because I had/have high standards yet failed to meet them myself.

    The reason I find self control hard and wanted to get close to guys easily is because in general I have low emotional self control and was lacking male love or whatever (lacklustre parenting, father never spent time with me, etc.). But that’s not an excuse, i.e. guys dont’ care about the reasons only about the number so I’m struggling to justify everything and feel worthy of ever being loved by a man. It feels like I’m basically screwed unless I keep a secret until I die–thus all this anxiety/stress over these revelations.

    • Meer, you have to realize that lots of manosphere sites attract feminist trolls. No offense.

      But trust us, your “number” isn’t high. “Fooling around” but not having intercourse is not the same thing. By today’s standards, it means almost nothing. For most people, “count” or “number” means actual intercourse. Oral maybe counts as 1/2.

      But I get the sense that you’re coming from a different background. Fundamentalist Christian? If that’s true, then that’s something you’ll have to work out.

      The first thing to do is to not talk about it with boyfriends.

    • The hamster is strong here. This has actually convinced me she’s not a troll.

      “it’s hard for me to control myself”

      She says this multiple times almost like it’s an external force completely separate from her will. Very female. It’s subtle – it takes an ethologist specializing in hamster behavior to notice this. It kind of sounds like she’s taking responsibility since she’s sort of admitting she can’t control herself, but what she’s actually saying is her lack of impulse control is *not in her control* and not her fault.

      “I wasn’t able to control myself and so we fooled around after a few weeks of dating.”

      Oh no! Guys, this “just happened” to her! Poor her!

      “Although the 3 orals disgusts me already because I had/have high standards yet failed to meet them myself.”

      This is exactly the same thing as NOT HAVING HIGH STANDARDS. This is not a real distinction being made.

      A top notch hamster.

      OK sorry Meer –
      Dont’ worry too much about it. Dude’s don’t care that much about a bit of fooling around the way you described. Your sexual history is still not that bad, especially compared to some girls out there. What you’ve described on its own does not disqualify you from finding a decent guy.

    • Hi Meer,

      Fellow woman here. I have a feeling that you are religious, and would be greatly helped by Seraphic’s blog:

      http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2013/07/auntie-seraphic-confused-clueless-i.html

      And Arronski, “it’s hard for me to control myself” is “very female”? Do men who are offered sex by have attractive women have no difficulties refusing, then? Do they even want to refuse in the first place? These are rhetorical questions.

      In short, come over to Seraphic’s blog, Meer!

  16. Yea, that's me on said:

    Have to wade into the waters here…

    HORSE_SHIT is what I have to say to all those women – whether SAHMs or Career Driven Professionals – because people make THEIR OWN CHOICES. I can still remember my early years of marriage-hood – my wife (a SAHM) – would make statements like “at least you get to talk to adults” (of course, this was after she took the children to Mother’s Day Out – which in this case was Monday through Friday) and I was busting my ass, working 12 hours days, traveling, sleeping in hotel rooms and getting fatter by the day from the stress and restaurant food.

    I call HORSE_SHIT because you don’t know what you want. Stay at home, bitch about it. Work, bitch about it. Have a career, bitch about it. Come to that realization and short circuit the pretense and just start bitching about it.

    All you need to do is contract a story of two professionals, both in their late 40’s, both in the top 90% of all income earners, both married, both childless, one man, one woman. The man will be probably feel his life was success have few regrets, and would be happy in his marriage. The woman would feel that she made the wrong choice (being childless and career driven) and her life would have been much different and much happier is she had made the other decision, be unhappy in her marriage and live with a very long list of regrets.

    Put whatever label you want on it – It’s time to live with your choices, live with no regrets, and have the courage to get up tomorrow and do it all over again. That’s what we need to be telling our kids, and what we ought to be teaching them.

  17. Meer on said:

    @LostSailor

    Thank you for the reassurance — I just hope whoever I end up loving again will have that kind of mindset (about it being almost nothing).

    It’s not thta I’m fro ma religious background or anything — but I decided at age 17 or 18ish that I wanted to save myself for marriage because I wanted sex to be special because I was sick of how it was everywhere and how it was considered as only for pleasure and not at all in the context of love, etc. And I even had a boyfriend encourage me to stay a virgin (because he was muslim and explained to me that guys value chastity and that would not be marriagable if I wasn’t chaste etc) so it reinforced my decision.

    I also feel like being Russian has something to do with this but not sure how lol

  18. Pingback: May Favorites | D A R L I N G

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