The Private Man

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Archive for the day “May 29, 2013”

More On Masculine Social Confidence

Red Pill dating and attraction wisdom firmly states that women are attracted to confident men. A reader has sent me an email where he asks the following:

But what does it really mean? Confident in WHAT exactly? I get the archetype of the smooth sophisticated James Bond type but what about regular guys? To me a lot of what is considered confidence just comes off like a lot of what I call “false bravado” I like to use the Jersey Shore type guys as an example. Super confident with absolutely nothing to back it up just a lot of huffing and puffing with no substance. I dunno if it’s just the younger generation but I can’t relate to it.

These are excellent questions and simply must be answered if men are expected to be socially confident.

It’s important to note that social confidence is very different concept than ordinary confidence. A confident motorcyclist might take on a new road without hesitation. A confident metal worker might do the same with a complex fabrication. A confident actor might take on a new role knowing he can do the character justice. However, all three of these men may be unable to successfully deal with even ordinary social interactions. This is where social confidence comes in.

Masculine social confidence is a man’s ability and willingness to accept and influence social interactions with his benefit in mind and at his choosing. With this in mind, the reader is excoriating the Jersey Shore guys incorrectly. Those guys have social confidence. Is it backed up with real skills? Who cares? They do have real skills, real social skills.

In Pick-Up Artistry (PUA), there is the concept of “Frame”. Amongst other things, frame is a mental attitude where the man is in control of a particular social interaction. Charisma is part of that frame and social confidence is a huge part of Charisma. Social skills are absolutely vital in this area and social skills can be learned (link below).

Developing social confidence requires:

1. Social interaction awareness. Knowing the context of a social interaction is vital. This requires relatively passive observation without jumping into conversations. When dealing with women, this requires very the very feminine skills of social intuition and the ability to instantly read moods.
Gentlemen, this requires practice and time. A man coming off of a long marriage to re-enter the dating scene likely has lost these abilities. For an example, would a socially aware guy make an offensive joke at a funeral? Exactly.

2. Effective communication skills. This is basically knowing what to say and when to say it. This is where a man’s frame can quickly fall apart by being too reactive. A man doesn’t need to be chatty or garrulous. He simply needs to communicate when the time comes. That communication doesn’t even have to be verbal. Physical gestures (the smirk, the raised eyebrows, etc.) can communicate incredibly effectively.

3. Outcome independence. This is both PUA and common sense and yet it’s rather counter-intuitive when looking at the definition (above) of masculine social confidence. A man is supposed to lead the social interaction but outcome independence means that he’s also apathetic about the outcome. This speaks mostly to frame. If a man doesn’t care about what ultimately happens, he can have more influence on the social interaction precisely because he’s apathetic to the ultimate outcome… phone number? kiss close? seduction? He simply doesn’t care.

This is all subtle stuff and requires huge amounts of emotional intelligence (link below). That requires practice and that requires getting out of the house and dealing with people.

Succeed Socially

Emotional Intelligence

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