A Dating Exercise For Women (Re-post)

[I posted this just over three years ago. It needs to go viral.]

A fair number of women read my blog and for this, I am pleased. Normally, I write my posts with a male audience in mind. This post is an exception. I want women to read this very carefully and pass it along to their single friends. It’s important.

The biggest challenge is for women to re-adjust their approach to men. Women usually look for reasons to reject a man. They find the bad things first. This results in a lot of frustrated single women. To start the readjustment, I have this very simple mental exercise:

Every time you see and/or interact with a man, look for something good about him. This includes online dating profiles.

It can be something small.

It can be something big.

It has to be something.

Perhaps you see a sweaty landscaper with stained clothes working hard at his job. What’s good about him? He’s working hard. That’s a very good thing.

Maybe you have a male colleague who is not the most attractive of physical specimens. But you notice that he has a very nice voice and speaks very thoughtfully. Those are two good things.

You meet a man socially who has a very weak chin and terrible fashion sense. Yet you see that he has beautiful eyes, broad shoulders, and a great sense of humor. Wow, three good things!

You see an online dating profile with bad photos. The words, however, are well put together and are quite appealing. Good things, indeed.

This doesn’t mean changing your standards regarding the men you date. It only means noticing the positive elements in men. That’s the exercise. Simple, no?

Do this for a week. After the week passes, ask yourself this question: “Where are all the good men?”

Guess what, you just spent a week seeing them with your own eyes.

Feel free to copy and paste this into emails, blogs, forums, whatever.

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A Very Revolutionary Statement

Men and women are different. The two sexes are so different that I’m amazed our species manages to reproduce! Our bodies are different. Our brains are different. Our blood chemistry is different. The way we experience the world is different. Our attraction points are different.

There. I said it.

I know what you’re thinking right now: “But Private Man, that’s obvious!”

It’s not obvious because a certain social ideology is vilely creeping into attraction and dating expectations. That ideology states that men are women are much more alike than different, that they should ignore obvious biological and behavioral differences in the context of attraction and dating. The men are encouraged to embrace their “feminine” side in dating and relationships while women are urged to be tough, strong, and independent, like a man.

By acknowledging that men and women are indeed different, it’s a push against the creeping tide of social “justice” in the attraction and dating game. Attraction isn’t a choice, it’s something that is very private that happens between our ears. In the public space we nod our heads in sage agreement that the sexes need to be more alike. But in private, away from the ideologues working hard to sabotage natural behaviors based on sex, we do what we want.

As an aside, I resist using the word “gender” because it’s been co-opted by those on the social fringes who are stubbornly ignorant about the differences between the sexes. I will never say “amongst the genders”! Quarrel on the fringes, I write for the rest of us, that vast silent majority cowed into parroting back the politically correct nonsense of social expectations regarding attraction and dating.

By fully accepting that men and women are different, many attraction and dating double standards disappear or minimized. It is important to state again that I’m speaking strictly about attraction and dating. What happens in other socio-cultural contexts – workplace, politics, law, education, church – is far beyond the scope of what I address. There are writers and cultural commentators far more equipped and far more enthusiastic regarding those cultural spaces.

Here’s an example of a dating double standard that is eliminated when we acknowledge the differences between men and women: Men paying for early dates. In the standard dance of Courtship Lite!, the man pays. He is the protector. This is biology in action, even if at a waterfront bar. The woman is the receiver of that protection. The simple act of a man paying for an early date is a gesture, if however modest, of that protection. Yes, there are exceptions, there always are.

I was recently invited on a first date and the comely lady who was quite happy to pay because she knew that she was breaking from standard protocol by inviting me and that meant she had to break from standard protocol by paying. It was a great date because of the mutual understanding that in this particular case, things were a bit different. Will this cause a problem down the road? Perhaps, but by accepting that invitation and her willingness to pay, I was willing to take that risk. This is a somewhat more formal process of dating that my younger readers will not likely understand given the realities of Tinder and hooking up.

The French wonderfully say “vive la differance!” I am no Francophone but that phrase is quite apt and should always be remembered when attending a singles event or surfing online dating profiles. Let’s allow men to be masculine and women to be feminine.
Despite the vast differences, we need and like each other. We’re in this for the species.

(That very last sentence is a quote from one of my favorite movies.)

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The Male Gaze

This is not about the ridiculous politically correct phrase. This is about a concrete tip for men that can be easily followed. Christian McQueen made a very accurate observation about Manosphere blog posts. There’s quite a bit of theory and not much solid, actionable advice that men can follow. Here’s some actionable advice based on my observations of men out in public.

Guys, stop looking down. It makes you look subservient and weak. Look at the horizon or where you imagine the horizon to be. This applies both indoors and outdoors. This certainly applies when you’re sitting having a conversation, Bringing your gaze away from the ground accomplishes a great deal.

Your ability to observe the world increases greatly. This is especially true for watching people. If you’re not looking at faces, you’re missing enormous opportunities for watching facial expressions and seeing the subtleties of those expressions. You needn’t stare too much. Your own subtleties are equally important.

Your overall mien becomes more confident. If your head is up and you’re looking ahead, your posture improves and you can more easily make eye contact with the rest of humanity. Making eye contact is a crucial element of showing confidence. Averting one’s eyes is a very hard habit to break. A big part of that is the message that men must be always non-threatening. Looking directly at another man’s eyes, in some cultures, can be taken as a challenge. It’s not like that here. Here’s a tip – if the other looks back long enough, raise your chin in a greeting and acknowledgement that you have made eye contact. Never dip your chin.

By looking at the horizon, a man is going to improve his posture as he walks. A good posture speaks loudly and well of a man’s general confidence and attitude towards life. As an aside, when a man walks he should keep his hands out of his pockets and never cross his arms nor keep his hands behind his back. It’s simple things like this that make a man stand out in a very good way. This is not theory, this is practical advice than men can start following right now.

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The Frustration of Expressing Masculine Emotions

A blog colleague recently posted an extremely well-expressed break up note. I don’t know if he actually sent it the note to his ex. Perhaps he only wrote for his blog. He posts anonymously, by the way. You can read the whole note here but I’ll be quoting the most relevant quotes in this post.

If your goal was to reconcile with me, repeating the usual pattern of ruining a perfect night by rejecting me wasn’t the smart thing to do. I don’t know what I’ve done with words or with actions that made you believe my response to tonight’s rejection would be anything but negative. Did you take my kindness for weakness or something?

I’ve read books on this stuff. Rejection piles up. Our fight started 8 days ago because, after that wonderful date, you said, “I’m not feeling it” at bedtime. You didn’t want to have sex then, and it pissed me off. The best way to reconcile was not to repeat the exact same thing again last night.

My first reaction was “that’s a lot of butthurt going on.” But on consideration of this bloggers age and life experience – quite similar to mine – I mentally retracted my first reaction and replaced it with “He makes a lot of sense”. As both the blogger and I went through the 80s and 90s, we experienced the full cultural typhoon of “men should be more in touch with their emotions.” We were expected to be sensitive, new age guys (SNAGs)

Machismo was ridiculed and the phrase “don’t be so macho” was heard often. Of course, the hypocritical irony of this era was when Ms Magazine published a photo of a nearly naked Burt Reynolds as a centerfold, a la Playboy. [Thanks to commenter Zorro, I have to change this to Cosmopolitan magazine. It was not Ms Magazine] Reynolds was the sex symbol of the day and he was certainly the opposite of the SNAG. Too many guys growing up in that period of social history transformed themselves into SNAGs.

This blogger is angry because he was rejected sexually from a woman with whom he had some heavy emotional investment. He expressed is anger in an excellent and eloquent way. He’s not whining, he’s expressing his frustration with that situation as a way of dealing with it in an emotionally healthy way. He’s not being insulting. He’s not being critical of all women. But there is definite anger is in his words. Good for him.

Our society has a real problem with masculine anger. When that anger is manifested as physical violence, it gets serious attention. The public, especially women, assume that if one man expresses his anger through violence, all men will do the same. So, ordinary guys feel the pressure to suppress their anger.

Sometimes a guy erupts in strong verbal anger that inevitably ends up on the Internet. Certain male spaces are a perfect place to express that anger. Reddit has several subreddits where a man can vent his spleen about women, sex, relationships, society, whatever. Here’s a classic example. Because the anger stands out so much, all the words from other guys around the rant mostly go unnoticed. There could be 10,000 thoughtful and reasonable comments or blog posts, but it’s the angry ones that get shared around the ‘Net with the typical man-shaming remarks. It’s extraordinarily predictable.

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Online Dating… The Phony Profile

This post is a quick one.

I haven’t stopped online dating. In fact, I’ve upgraded my membership to both PoF and Ourtime (I’m 52, no apologies given).

Looking at the Viewed Me list in Plenty of Fish, here are the first eight dames who have.

Spot the fake profile/photo. This… is online dating.

ProfilePics

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Text Charisma Example

A reader saved a text conversation with a woman he met via Tinder. The very long graphic below shows some key elements to successful texting with the relationship goal being a really short, sexual relationship.

As you read the transcript, look for the following from him:

  • Escalation
  • Conversation theme
  • Consistent frame
  • Verbal confidence

She’s no slouch in this text-based tête-à-tête.

Tinder is a wonder to behold. However, the reader later stated that he does much better with simply approaching women out in public and that he no longer uses Tinder.

Costume convo

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#gamergate (Yup, it fits here)

Note: This is an unfolding story. Anytime 4chan is involved, the origin of things can get murky. Even if 4chan started it, this story has picked up serious momentum and the attention of the mainstream media.

As an oldster, video games and I go a long way back. In my youth, our family actually owned an Atari gaming console. It had one game: Pong. It was an idle distraction for Private Boy and his older brother. More sophisticated games could be found in video arcades and those were busy places. I spent quite a few quarters in such places, particular at the game room on Massachusetts Avenue next to the Orson Welles theater in Cambridge, MA. I noticed that some of the MIT kids from up the road were totally into such games and their conversations were all about technology that I simply couldn’t fathom. This was the beginning of gaming culture.

Going forward, I played some Doom on a PC, some Team Fortress, and later some Call of Duty on a Playstation. Enjoyable and a distraction, but I didn’t jump into the gamer culture. But I was aware of it because of my ex’s youngest son was quite the online video gamer and I asked him lots of questions while I watched him play some really cool first-person shooters. I overheard the audio as digital characters ruthlessly murdered each other. Good times.

There’s a stereotype of video gamers in that they tend to be younger men, socially awkward, white, heterosexual, and generally bereft of female attention. The female attention is the key element to the stereotype because it represents an exploitable emotional vulnerability. Demented female Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) moved in to maliciously exploit gamer guys in order to advance a cultural ideology. These puritanical scolds immediately started pushing their ideology with shame, anger, threats; all the usual tricks used by Internet bullies.

Even though SJWs are mentally ill and have a pathological hatred for gamer guys, they had a degree of success. Enough White knight gamers and game journalists fell for the manipulation and at least one high-profile SJW was actually taken seriously. Behold the power of ladyparts on guys who normally don’t get female attention. This is emotional exploitation of the highest order. “I don’t like guy gamers but in order to impose my ideological control on them, I’ll hold my nose and wade into their filth”.

But when ethical lines regarding trading sex for influence were crossed, the gamer community took a stand and basically told the SJWs and the gamer media who supported the SJWs to fuck off with #gamergate #notmyshield. Now the lines are drawn. White knights and SJWs on one side, informed gamers who hate being told what to do on the the other. The informed gamers are also not all white, male, and heterosexual. Oh, the conundrum; it turns out that gamers are not a monolith of white, cis-het scum.

I’m following this whole thing because I know that the SJWs continually try to influence normal and natural attraction and dating between the sexes. There’s a SJW-oriented dating advisor who floats around the Evan Marc Katz blog. In comments, he pushes back with political correctness against the sound and correct advice the EMK dispenses. EMK had to deliver a return comment smackdown at some point. That’s just one example. Every time a guy hears “you should be attracted to…”, there’s a SJW at work, either directly or indirectly through the politically correct media. Attraction isn’t a choice.

SJWs will always be needling the culture in order to fulfill an ideological agenda. Fortunately, they are operating in the context of a relatively free market capitalistic system. Financial profit will determine successful gaming content. That same profit will also determine the successful approach to attraction and dating advice. This makes SJWs seethe with rage and I rather enjoy that.

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