Social Isolation Redux

I know I harp on this subject. I do this because it’s a huge problem for men. I’ve covered well how technology seriously disrupts in-person social interactions. Streaming video, satellite TV, entertainment servers, all of it acts as barriers to genuine human contact. Congratulations, nerds, you won. But girls still won’t date you. Yes, that was an abrasive remark aimed at the socially dysfunctional men who created such technology.

There is another way we isolate each other. During our collective commutes to work, our vehicles typically holds only the driver. Commute times are long, averaging 35 minutes. That’s 35 minutes in social isolation as we drive to and from work, mentally focusing on work, those idiot drivers surrounding us, and the sundry minutae of life.

I was reminded of this commute-based isolation when I started to use public transportation earlier this year. While I was taking the bus, I got to know some of the regulars and enjoyed the social interaction. Here in South Florida, bus riders are not rich folk. It didn’t matter to me. In the mornings I chatted with the young, overnight security guard of Cuban origins who got on the bus stop as I did. Returning from work, I talked about motorcycles and life with the middle-age Puerto Rican bus driver. I also chatted with tourists who took the same bus up the beach to get back to their hotels. Of course, there were drunks and mentally ill homeless to deal with. Such is the life of a regular bus rider.

With a new and far more lucrative contract just having started, I’m now taking  the commuter train (Tri-Rail). These are hard-core commuters and mostly like me, the white-collar crowd. Most are glued to smart devices so I don’t interrupt. But these past few days, there has been cordial chit chat with other passengers and a few occasions. Such times are excellent opportunities to be social in a socially frictionless environment. Just this morning, while waiting to exit the train, I was standing next to a middle-age flight attendant, a stewardess to use the older vernacular. She was in uniform. That train stop has a shuttle to the Miami airport.

I opened the brief conversation. “So we’re both going to work.”

She smiled at me pleasantly. “Yes, we are.”

“But you’ve got a helluva an office.”

With that she laughed and a light exchange ensued as the train slowed to a stop. We wished each other well and walked to our separate shuttle busses. There are a couple of take-aways from all this:

1. Take advantage of social opportunities. I’m advocating making radicall changes to your commute, but perhaps a carpool might be something to explore if your job, job schedule, and geography permits it. Bonus, save money on gas and wear and tear on your vehicle.

2. When opening up a conversation, it’s easiest to bring up something that you both have in common. Even something as innocuous as going to work is a conversational opener. What I did with the flight attendant was a variation of the environmental opener (HT Roosh)

Social isolation can too easily wipe away social skills. All men, regardless of age, must be reminded of this often. Just now, as I’m writing this post, I’m on the train. The gentleman across from me has his eyes firmly attached to his smart device. I tried to engage him in conversation but he was a bit terse and put in his ear buds. Hint, taken. Maybe tomorrow I’ll sit across from someone more social.

Here’s a photo of an interesting business I see from my train-based commute:

Train2

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Men Helping Men

I recently retweeted this from @AoverK:

“A majority of the population has written off improving their lot in life while a small minority is actually bettering/improving themselves.”

Soon after my retweet, @DoctorIllusion responded with:

“Yes… and it should stay that way so those of us who improve ourselves keep a high market value.”

Both tweets are fundamentally correct. 80% of guys simply don’t want to improve themselves, for whatever reason. Worse, many guys think that non-physical self-improvement is a type of cheating. As a guy who wants all singles to meet their relationship goals, I’m a bit put off with Doc’s rejoinder tweet. That’s my emotional response. My logical response is to agree with Doc. When out and about in the village, I certainly don’t want a bunch of suave players messing up my dog game with the tourist ladies.

The dichotomy between my emotional response and my logical response highlights a broader philosophical divide. As a Manosphere writer, do I want my efforts to be self-serving or to be helpful for men looking to meet their relationship goals? I want both. In order to provide useful advice, I need to experience attraction and dating first hand. I need to practice what I preach. If I can’t work the attraction element, my words of advice are mostly useless. I’d be nothing more than an academic ensconced in an ivory tower.

There is a dilemma at hand. With advice regarding masculine self-improvement becoming more of a media (Internet) phenomenon, more and more men are learning about confidence and charisma. For the guys who already understand this and teach it, we’re essentially putting ourselves at a competitive disadvantage in the zany world of attraction and dating economics. McQueen’s podcast featuring Chef highlights this very nicely. To wit:

Christian: “…and now, you out-approach me” (referring to Chef)

It goes on a bit later: “Let’s talk about how you fucking cockblocked me…this fool walks up – I taught you too well is the problem… he started speaking Italian… yup, fuck, I’m going to get a drink now. She just melted over that. It went from, like, deer in the headlights with me to deer in the head lights with you. I was just crushed.”

What Christian basically did was cockblock himself by helping another guy become more attractive to the opposite sex. Short term, he punched himself in the ‘nads. Ouch. Long term, he upped his sexual market value hugely. Christian proved himself something of a master of teaching. He has become a bodhisattva of attraction advice. Now he can use that for his own charisma. That’s the best frame-builder. A guy who helps other guys meet relationship goals is in a better position in the overall scheme of attraction.

While Doc Illusion might cast a jaundiced eye towards helping men becoming more attractive, he’s doing much the same himself through his own blog. His tweet was quite good in pointing out the dilemma that guys like us face. We help others to help ourselves. It’s a virtuous circle.

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Attraction Asymmetry

A fundamental and biological truth is that men and women are different. The sexes are different below the shoulders and above the shoulders. The brain of a woman works very differently than the brain of a man. For all the blithering in polite company about the sexes being so similar, there are millions of words of advice for singles that point out just how different men and women truly are. The relative privacy of online dating highlights still more the massive differences between the sexes. This example from Marie Claire describes both online dating and the differences between the sexes.

The social expectation that the sexes are equal pollutes the cultural landscape and has made online dating a strange tug-of-war between the realities of attraction and the expectations of attraction. The psychological concept of projection is also tugging on the rope. This is one of the reasons that dating is such a terrible experience for so many singles. This is especially true for post-divorce singles who must deal with this socio-biological conflict.

No matter what social expectation dictates, attraction can never be symmetrical because men and women are so different. This works more against women than men. Here’s how it plays out -  A woman is attracted to powerful, confident, emotionally strong men. With psychological projection and social expectations strongly influencing her, she assumes that men are attracted to powerful, confident, emotionally strong women. So, she’s the one who “man’s up” in the context of attraction and dating. It worked well for her in the workplace, after all. But the men she dates won’t commit. They’ll bed her, they won’t wife her.

A woman who “mans up” because she assumes attraction symmetry is destroying her chances of meeting her relationship goals. In this context, the masculine does not attract the masculine. The feminine attracts the masculine. Because of the difference between the sexes, attraction is asymmetrical. The strong and independent woman can certainly be the target of seduction. The physical attraction can easily overwhelm the emotional attraction and confuse matters in the early stages of dating.

Men can also succumb to the expectation of attraction symmetry. This expectation is reinforced by the social expectation that a man should be more expressively emotionally. “Be in touch with your feelings” was the mantra for the sensitive new age guy (SNAG) back in a confusing time when dating habits were established for the currently middle age crowd. These men are also frustrated as they attempt to meet their relationship goals. Even middle age men can be the stereotypical “nice guys”.

It’s extremely hard to resist social expectations in the context of attraction and dating. But biology always wins. As attraction coach David Deangelo says, “attraction isn’t a choice”. This is why so many online dating profiles demand “chemistry” between a man and a woman. Acknowledging the existence of attraction chemistry is acknowledging how attraction really works, not how it’s supposed to work. This is also why the dating coach industry exists. That tug-of-war between social expectation and biological reality is where coaches like Evan Marc Katz and Bobbi Palmer sooth female sensibilities while gently (or not) educating their clients about the asymmetrical realities of attraction, among other things.

This blog and its peers work to improve men in a masculine context while also strongly recognizing attraction asymmetry.  In the realm of men, little soothing is required. Because men are different than women, we receive truths differently and process them differently than women. If we all publicly acknowledge and openly accept that attraction is asymmetrical, this whole dating business will be far more enjoyable to far more singles.

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The Timbre Of A Man’s Voice

Timbre is a great word. It’s the description of the sound of a musical instrument or voice. The better the one’s timbre, the more pleasing or powerful the voice. The masculine voice can be very powerful. I think most men have no clue about how effective their voice can be. I listen to Christian McQueen and Dagonet and immediately recognize the power of the male voice. Their podcasts are very much about their respective voices. I wonder if they know that.

In my past life, I was a part-time radio guy. I was part of a morning FM zoo team and then went on to be an AM radio talk show guy. I also did voice-overs for local political candidates. This experience forced me to be far more aware of my voice. I sought the expertise of a speech coach and she taught me some cool things. I blogged about it, too. Read it. Now.

The power of the male voice was reminded to me again recently. While out and about, I was in eavesdropping mode. Damn. Men have no idea about how to control their voice. I heard low talkers, shouters, mono-talkers, and other sounds from male vocal cords that were simply awful. If a man can’t manage his voice, he’s at a serious disadvantage. Humans are social animals and the inability to communicate effectively is a very bad thing. Technology is not helping.

When I use my radio voice out in public, the response is consistent. People pay attention, women especially. I was not gifted genetically with good “pipes”. I worked on it. I paid attention to how I spoke – words, tone, and inflection, and pacing. Years ago in middle school, I was in the chorus. The instructor taught her students how to sing from the diaphragm. I never forgot those lessons and make a point to speak from my diaphragm when the situation calls for it. For the record, I sang alto because my voice didn’t change until I was 16.

I understand that certain elements of a man’s voice are controlled by the genetic lottery. If a man has a voice higher in pitch than his peers, how people perceive him cab be negatively affected. The pitch of a man’s voice simply cannot be fixed. However, every man can benefit from the following:

  • Speech therapy/coaching – Ask around, do your research
  • Drama classes – Community theatre can be an excellent way to expand your social circle
  • Toastmasters – Very good for content but my experience didn’t have much in the way of voice improvement

Given all the technology that is acting as a barrier to direct, face-to-face communications, a man can really stand out with just his voice and how he presents himself verbally. This is all about a man’s confidence.

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Some Realities About Attraction And Dating

Ross Jeffries is a seduction educator from way back. His first book on seduction was published over 20 years ago. He had a great quote that I heard on an archived talk show from 1992. When he was asked “What do women really want?” his response was rather brutal.

“I don’t care what they want.”

Before the audience could respond, he continued.

“I only care what women respond to.”

This is the solid crux of the matter. It is the heart of the Red Pill world view in the context of attraction and dating. It is what men of all ages must accept and internalize. There’s a blizzard of words where women claim what they want. Fair enough, but social expectations and polite company compel women to say what they are expected to say. Men must know this if they are to have good dating experiences. The rest of the TV segment is entertaining.

Some more of his wisdom:

“There is what women say they want.

There is what women think they want.

There is what women respond to.

Which one do you think matters?”

This is rather cold stuff but it’s ultimately true. The truth of this is on display in the online dating profiles of women. I’ve read thousands upon thousands of such profiles and the vast majority are not exactly riveting. Fortunately, there are consistent patterns in these profiles. Here is a typical statement in a woman’s profile:

“I’m looking for a decent, honorable guy because I’m tired of dating jerks.”

This is a perfectly reasonable request. Yet between the lines it’s easy to see how the actions and words are not in synchronization. The desire for a decent, honorable guy is what she says wants and what she thinks she wants. But how is it that she keeps dating jerks? Those are her actions in real life and that’s the fundamentally truth. She reacts positively to the type of guys she perceives – retroactively – as jerks. Why are they jerks? It’s very likely that these were attractive men simply exercising their options regarding women. When it comes to attraction, no one wants to be just an option. This is a feature of our species, not a bug.

I render absolutely no judgments on either the woman or the men she’s dated in the past. This is simply the reality regarding attraction and dating. No amount of social expectations or shame can change this reality. Men and women will do what they want even while acknowledging (with words) the problems of the current attraction and dating landscape. Rather than wasting energy of trying to change the world, both men and women can make personal adjustments to better adapt so that relationship goals can be met.

My blog and many other Manosphere blogs encourage masculine self-improvement that goes way beyond the pickup artist systems marketed by thinly veiled hucksters. I focus more on charisma, confidence, competence, and leadership. But some of my blog peers focus on physical self-improvement. Others make masculine fashion the central theme of the blog. The nice side effect of such masculine improvement is that a man becomes more attractive to more women. Note that I said this is a side effect, not the primary goal of self-improvement.

There are far more resources available for women looking to meet their relationship goals. In previous blog posts, I’ve already mentioned the dating coach industrial complex. There are also hundreds of self-help books for women that address attraction and dating. I’ve also had some advice for women. The dating exercise for women  is one of my best blog posts for women. I’ve also got some good stuff at Red Pill Dating blog.

If a man comes to me for advice and I can only give him one sentence, it would be “To learn about women, always look to their actions before accepting their words.” Ross Jeffries knew this and broadcast it back in the day. I’m sure my commenters will bring up far more ancient and similar wisdom. I welcome that. Human beings are remarkably predictable regarding the behaviors of attraction and courtship. Generalizing is not a bad thing in this context because we’re all not actually special snowflakes. To willfully ignore those patterns is the fast track to relationship goal failure and general dating frustration.

OK, time for the comments – “I’m not like that” or “I know someone who isn’t like that.” See, I told you that people are predictable!

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Getting Old… It’s Going To Be Epic! (Repost)

Living in South Florida means being around lots and lots of retirees. Thankfully, most of them don’t drive during rush hour. If they did, I’d be dead. Motorcycles and older drivers are a poor fit. Instead, there’s a loud bell at 10AM and the gates of all the local retirement communities open and a vast armada of Buicks slowly rolls out, at trolling speed. At 4PM, another bell rings and the Buicks return. As I am firmly middle-aged, my senior years are most definitely on the horizon. I can’t wait.

Being a senior citizen grants certain privileges. My young colleague pointed this out today. He spent the weekend with his parents who have recently moved to a retirement community. “Old people do weird shit” was his observation. This is exactly why I’m looking forward to being a codger. Why do old people do weird shit?

Because they can, dammit!

Here’s a partial list of things I intend to do when the excuse of old age allows me:

  • Grab my crotch and give the finger to random neighbors
  • Wave my cane around menacingly
  • Criticize everyone and everything
  • Refuse to clean up after my dog (my dog will be old and crotchety, too)
  • Open stuff at the grocery store for a quick snack and put it back on the shelf
  • Tell stories about me that didn’t actually happen
  • Pants up to my navel
  • Socks and sandals
  • Tell wildly inappropriate jokes (racist and sexist, both)
  • Loud flatulence in public
  • Mutter, mutter, mutter…
  • Buick, slowly, no lane discipline
  • Quote Rush Limbaugh
  • Pay in coins when there are at least six people in line behind me
  • Slow jaywalking as a hobby
  • “Damned kids these days!”
  • Old man smell (does that come in a bottle? I sure hope so!)
  • Attend town council meetings, rail about taxes and refuse to shut up
  • Block pedestrians on sidewalks with a slow and unsteady gait
  • Loudly demand senior discounts at convenience stores
  • Hearing aid buzz (“What? WHAT?! Speak up, dammit!”)
  • F-bomb becomes F-machine gun
  • Vote often and selfishly (“We don’t need no fucking bond issue for those fucking crappy schools, anyway!”)
  • Pretend to be confused by technology and obnoxiously pester younger people to help
  • Incredibly graphic descriptions of disgusting health problems
  • Scourge of the local senior center
  • Dentures, hand puppet, hilarity

Y’all get the idea, I’m sure. Feel free to add more.

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Remember Danny From 504?

“Editor’s” Note: Danny has pretty much given up blogging on his primary website. That’s his choice and I respect it. But his life has moved on. Gone is his military career – he retired at 40 – and a new career, after vocational school, will soon begin. But in the meantime, his life is interesting and I’ve agreed to post some things of his. This is his post. I’ve not corrected or edited anything. It’s copypasta at his request.

it’s been a while since i thought about writing something. to be honest, i really didn’t have anything to write about. well that’s officially changed.i got a job.i placed applications at damn near every place that has radiology. i STILL haven’t gotten a call back and when i call they refer me to HR. so i placed applications at every restaurant within 15 minutes of my house. 2 places called back. long story short, i’m now a kitchen guy at hooters. yes, hooters. they let the fox into the chicken coop. been there about 2 weeks. and let me tell you, it’s been fucking interesting. for now, i can really only do dishes, but that means i ALWAYS have the girls coming up to me.first, one of the girls came to the back and made a smart ass comment, a shit test. i called her out and told her she was on planet danny, and on planet danny i’m the sun and she’s the moon, and moon revolves around the sun. she laughed it off and gave me a, “yeah, ok.” and walked away. the next day she came in about an hour into the shift and asks me, “so i’m the moon and you’re the earth?” i laughed and told her i was the SUN. now when she comes in and drops off shit for me to wash i tell her, “thank you my moon.” and she answers with, “of course my sun.” tonight i got her number and going for drinks wednesday. she’s easily a 7.

i have a large rack above me to the right that the girls put cups in. when the racks are full, i wash them. when they’re done, i stack them to my left for the girls to take back out. i think it was day 2 or 3 that a girls came in and placed cups in the rack and said, “we always have cups.”. i told her they weren’t cups, they’re  love. i pointed to girls rack above me and told her that the girls love me, then pointed to my stacked cups and told her that i love the girls back. she laughed and walked out. same girl was placing cups in the rack and was standing very close to me; she’s about 5’8″. i turned my head to the right to grab shit and i got a face full of tit. i backed away and apologized- she was laughing. i told her “thank you” while making a voice like my face was buried in there still.

the girls HATE getting wet, and i have the hose. the girls know if they stay in my section too long they may just end up getting a little water on them. so they unload their shit as quickly as they can and hurry away. i now know how to cause just enough spray to get a little on them. when i do they squeal and talk shit. i give them a side glance and point the hose right at them. they yell playfully and run out the kitchen.

and then there’s the best part about being in the wash station. when the girls come in and leave for the night, they change in a corner behind me. well, when we close, and they’re rushing to get out, they change out of their shorts and shirts in front of me. one new girl asked why they change with me the there and one girl said dismissively, “he works here, he doesn’t doesn’t count.” then one girl called my name, i looked ad she was standing there without her shirt and asked me if i liked her bra. i laughed and told her if she kept it up she’d end up pregnant. all the girls laughed.

the other night, while the girls were changing to go home, a girl mentioned, “i finally got my clit pierced. i love it.” this led to a brief conversation about best sexual positions for clit piercing, which led to favorite sexual positions. and it wasn’t a conversation that was had in a hushed tone. they were VERY vociferous about it.

they just hired a new girl- solid 8. when we were starting the shift she was pretty chatty with me. i don’t know her, so i said little more than to answer her questions. as the shift went on, every time she came to the back, she’d stare me down for a good 4-5 seconds. prolonged eye contact- classic IOI. as we were closing one of the kitchen guys told me that girl liked me. i told him i knew. he looked at me weird and i explained the eye contact shit.

he laughed. this guy is banging the hottest girl in the kitchen (she’s WAAAAAAAAAAY too young for me). but i call his chick my little mermaid. she LOVES it.

my girl was changing and i told her we needed to hang out we have a day off. i copped her number and we did a little text flirting after i got home. and let me tell you, the girls at work are 7′s MINIMUM.

they feed me free food, give me a beer after shift, and i get paid to neg 7′s+. and if you don’t neg the girls, you’ll get rolled by them. i LOVE this job.

stay up.

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