The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

“Not interested in your car, boat, motorcycle…”

This is an actual headline in a woman’s online dating profile. This particular woman – from Plenty of Fish here in South Florida – has been doing online dating for several years. I know this because I checked my notes from 2012. I had indeed sent her a message and it was read and deleted. That’s fine, everyone has preferences regarding the opposite sex and I obviously didn’t match her preferences.

In her current profile, she states that she’s 50 years old. While her headline is rather negative, her text description is fairly generic. She states her music preferences and only uses one sentence stating her desires in a man. She never states what she offers to a potential paramour. At least she doesn’t have a list of requirements that are completely unrealistic. There is one line that stands out:

“…like me for my mind, not my body…play with my body, not my mind…”

Hmmm. Based on her profile headline and that particular line, it’s pretty easy to figure what has happened with her online dating experience since 2012.

1. She did indeed date a man (or men) with a fancy car, boat, and motorcycle. This is South Florida. Men with such fancy stuff can easily attract women because such stuff requires financial resources. These men promise a relationship but never make it happen. I’ve met many women over 45 here who complain bitterly about this.

2. After “dating” these type of guys and not reaching her relationship goals, she is attempting to push the dating pedumlum in another direction. She does state in her profile that she wants a long-term relationship. As well, she’s fairly attractive and her photos show it.

3. She’s still up for some sexual action: “play with my body, not my mind”. That’s cool, it’s her desire and it’s perfectly valid. She’s willing to sex up the affluent man and still commit to a man who doesn’t have quite the source of material things. Alpha fucks, beta bucks?

4. One of her interests is snow skiing. Living in South Florida, that means trips up north or out west. That takes some resources. She’s in “customer service” with “some college” so it’s clearly up to the man to fund such trips.

For men doing the online dating thing, it’s incredibly important to read between the lines. Please don’t simply look at photos and hope for the best. Read every word in the profile. Analyze those words carefully. The advantage of online dating is that the words are relatively permanent. Things get complicated when attending a live singles event where the words from women emerge quickly. Thankfully, actions speak louder than words.

I’m going to send her a message through Plenty of Fish. I will update as warranted. I won’t mention this blog post.

Valentine’s Day 2015 – A Rant

Valentine’s Day is a horrible, wretched day. It’s a shit test for men on a corporate scale. It’s a day when men are strong-armed into being mind-readers in order to buy the perfect gift. It’s a day when greedy restauranteurs and florists exploit weak and feckless men into throwing away perfectly good cash in order to satisfy a manufactured need. Up yours, Hallmark. Screw you, fancy eatery. It gets worse, one of my local realtors is imploring men to buy cupcake a freakin’ condo for Valentine’s day!
Valentine1
It’s the day where vulnerable women can boast to their friends about the largesse bestowed upon them by weak and simple boyfriends and husbands. If the poor, stupid fellow didn’t get the right gift, he’s excoriated by her mob of estrogen. Worse, if he has to ask in advance what gift that cupcake desires, he’s excoriated by her for not automatically knowing her wants and needs. Worse, if he does get the perfect gift, the back of her mind is saying “what a wuss and a doormat”. Valentine’s day is a no-win situation for a man.

A man must simply ignore Valentine’s day. There should be no gifts, not even a slight recognition that the day even exists. A man shows his love in so many other and varied ways throughout the course of the year. If he bows down to the corporate will of Hallmark, he’s bowing down, supplicating himself to the faceless corporations that only seek to profit from his pathetic weakness.

If the man’s wife or girlfriend pitches a royal hissy fit, then the man can simply state he’s looking to the Japanese and Korean model of Valentine’s day. In those cultures, the woman give the man gifts and he has to do little or nothing until the next month. For this, I like those cultures. They understand the value of men in the context of a romantic, intimate relationship. Not so much here where Valentine’s day is a huge romantic landmine for men where just venturing into the minefield means he comes out the loser.

Marc Rudov has, in the past, made some publicity hay about boycotting Valentine’s day. I like that. He called it quite well and was willing to state it publicly on TV. His opposite made quite the stink but all his points are correct. He also brought in the concept of chivalry and how it’s dead. Go on ya, Marc! In conclusion, I hope that all my guy readers take this message to heart. Don’t even boycott it, just ignore Valentine’s day… completely and utterly.

Online Dating – The Validation Queen

I’ve been doing online dating for over a decade, off and on.  I’ve read thousands of profiles, male and female alike. I have sent out hundreds and hundreds of messages to single women with online dating profiles. My response rate, as for most men, is relatively low. This, I can accept. But the most frustrating element is the “validation queen”. It works something like this:

The outgoing message: [Clever opening, short message, call to action]

Her response: Thanks so much, I like your profile.

The response:  Glad you liked it, we should actually meet. The purpose of online dating is to stop online dating.

Her response: [Radio silence]

This happens often. Sometimes, there might be another digital interchange and a phone number is offered up for a text or phone call. The text or call never happens. WTF?! Congrats, you’ve found a validation queen. Before my readers get all annoyed, I can only say, relax. Validation queens are common and must be expected. Perhaps she reconnected with an old boyfriend in the interim. Maybe she simply chickened out of online dating. The emotionally healthy response is to just move on. Blocking such a dame is also recommended. Men should not waste their time.

A man has NO control over the validation queen phenomenon. Repeated messages won’t work. The woman is using online dating simply to validate her desirability, nothing more. She doesn’t want to date. She doesn’t want to meet men unless they are especially attractive physically. Most men aren’t so physically attractive so the incoming messages are just a feel-good exercise for her. This is the life for men doing online dating. Even worse, she’s already in a committed relationship (married!) but is too scared to seriously move on.

Even more frustrating is when the woman initiates the conversation, usually just a click on a button to indicate her interest. The man replies with a positive message and there is no subsequent response from her, ever. Doh! Settle down, boys. Women are basically timid and scared when it comes to online dating. They want their self esteem seriously built up. Doing that online is relatively easy and fun for them. The can ignore or block subsequent online interest from a fellow at their own discretion.

The validation queen is yet another reason why I no longer recommend online dating as the primary means of the “get a date” endeavor for men. Live events are far superior because it takes some serious gumption for a woman to attend such an event. It shows she’s serious about meeting a guy. It takes even more gumption (confidence!) for a man to attend that kind of event. Bonus for guys, dames like a confident man. Too many men retreat into online dating while the clever dudes are out at speed dating events or Meetup.com singles events. They’re the ones getting phone numbers and dates.

You’re welcome.

Abundance Mentality – An Unintended Consequence

There is much talk in the PUA (Pick Up Artistry) Manosphere about “abundance mentality”. This is the attitude that is recommended for men and it means that there is always a new woman or girl to replace the current one. It’s part of “spinning plates” where a man is dating several women concurrently. Fundamentally, it’s a good attitude for a man to take when dealing with attraction and dating. It’s a great antidote for “oneitis”, when a man becomes too attached and almost obsessed with a particular girl. So, with internalized abundance mentality, a man looks askance at any particular girl and is perfectly willing to send her off knowing that finding another girl is an easy possibility. Bravo.

Wait.

Hang on.

It’s important that a man understands his own relationship goals. If the relationship goal is to spin plates and have more girls in the pipeline, abundance mentality works perfectly well. If a man’s relationship goal is to have an exclusive relationship with one person, there is a serious downside to abundance mentality.

I’m fully aware that the PUA and MGTOW divisions of the Manosphere advise that a man never enter into an exclusive and committed relationship with a woman. With the wrong woman, this is excellent advice. The unintended consequence of such advice – when combined with internalized abundance mentality – is that ALL women become the wrong woman to commit to. The PUA and MGTOW advice completely ignores that large numbers of men actually do want to find one particular woman with whom to have a healthy, intimate, and committed relationship with. That’s a perfectly valid relationship goal and should be supported.

But with internalized abundance mentality comes the attitude that women, all women, are essentially disposable. The unintended consequence of such an attitude is that a man always finds something wrong with a woman. This, in turn, leads to an inevitable moving on to the next woman. The comparison is the single woman who actively finds reasons to reject a man.

Humans are fallible. It’s part of our nature. In the context of attraction and dating, the fallibility always rises to the surface after a period of time. With abundance mentality, that consistent fallibility becomes an instant reason to reject and walk away. Repeating that pattern makes it extraordinarily difficult for a man to meet his relationship goals if he wants a committed relationship. Perfectly wonderful women are pushed away, almost irrationally.

The solution to this problem is for a man to willingly overlook human flaws but still maintain certain boundaries. As a species, we’re far from perfect. We’re so far from perfect that it’s remarkable how we manage to reproduce. As men and women are different, women need to learn to be more tolerant and accept the flaws of men. For guys with CCCL (confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership), it means becoming more tolerant of the flaws of women and evaluating those flaws in the context of meeting relationship goals.

The Basics – Agree And Amplify

One of the biggest challenges facing post-divorce men is conversational ability. This is the result of social stagnation due to marriage and the general unwillingness of the men to go out into the world and be social. I’ve written about it so much that I won’t even both linking to previous posts.

While going back and forth on a motorcycle forum, I was reminded of the effectiveness of agree and amplify concept. It also reminded of an conversation I had with a rather toughened dame at my local pub who was not real friendly with me. Actually, she hated my guts. You can’t win them all. Every now and again, she wanted to rip me a new asshole. I was always prepared because of the agree and amplify concept.

Her (from across the bar and yelling): You don’t feed your dog enough! [any excuse to insult me]… you’re a scumbag!

Me: You’re right! [Agree] I come from a family of scumbags! But my great grandfather was a total douchebag! [Amplify]

]At that point, the entire bar erupted into laughter and the leather-faced lady immediately shut up and scowled. I smirked obsequiously. My ugly dog – allowed into that place – didn’t react. Damned dog.

The concept stands. Being defensive is a terrible way to response to an insult, even a teasing one, not matter what delivered from either sex. This applies to so much in life. Confidence is a way to accept yourself, regardless of character flaws. This is the essence of agree and amplify.

The trick is in the delivery. To be successful with agree and amplify, it must be delivered with a smirk and a strong sense of self-worth. But the problem is that too many men react horribly to even the most mild criticism from women. They get too defensive, they take it too personally. The person delivering that criticism is human, just the like man. This is not a deity imparting divine wisdom. This is a pissed-off (or shit-testing) dame making the delivery. Don’t take it too seriously.

I’ve been using agree and amplify for about five years. It’s completely re-shaped how I deal with dames. It’s also helped with situations with men. But, the concept remains regardless of who I’m dealing with.

I was recently perusing the ADVRider.com forum where an online buddy was talking about having a stupid phone. At first, I needled him about not having smart phone. But I quickly realized that he could use the agree and amplify concept to his advantage regarding his adoption of ancient technology:

If you’re going to stand by your flip-phone, own it!

There is a PUA concept called “agree and amplify”. It’s astoundingly effective.

Here are some examples of how your flip phone can work for you:

Her: “You have a flip phone?! Grow up!” (or words to that effect)

You: “Damned right, and my phone at home is a rotary one.”

You: ” You should see my TV, it’s black and white!”

You: “Do you know morse code? We can do this thing called texting”

But these lines must be delivered with supreme confidence and a smirking attitude like you’re treating the girl like a bratty little sister.

The problem with having a dumb phone is not necessarily the image, it’s the functions of the smart phone regarding communications.

With confidence, you can own most every tech decision you made. If you dismiss the dames because of their response to your tech decision(s), you’re not playing it right.

Agree and amplify might seem simplistic, but it takes some serious confidence for a man to delivery it effectively. It’s the smirk and devil -may-care attitude to make it really work. That’s a variation of outcome independence. To my readers, I highly recommend it. Early failures might be the result. No matter, with enough practice, the result will be increased confidence and charisma.

The Frustration Of Men – From Another Source

I’ve recently returned to a very popular motorcycle forum for riders and owners of “adventure” motorcycles. The demographic of that forum is mostly male and over 35. There are fathers, bachelors, grandfathers, and more. It’s a very well established forum with just about 250,000 users. The off-topic areas are a rich source for the words of guys going through any number of personal issues. The guys don’t hold back and it’s refreshing. Other than being motorcyclists, these guys are just typical guys going through and sometimes finding it difficult. They are good guys and I’ve personally met quite a few over the years. The rallies are awesome.

When I returned to the forum after a few years absence, I started going back over many of the older posts and conversation threads about dating and relationships. I was quite pleased to see some active members who comment quite frequently about Red Pill topics, including PUA, MGTOW, and MRA. I also discovered that several members had been reading my blog – and other Manosphere blogs – for years. They even knew about Rollo.

One of the threads there is “Geezer and The Red Pill”.  Yup, that Red Pill. My readers can lurk over there here. It’s a huge discussion thread so there is a lot to read. Unless you’re into adventure motorcycles, I don’t feel that anyone should actually join that forum, just read what is being said. For the record, I am “Uncle Larry” over there.

There’s frustration and positivity in that thread. One particular commenter, Project84 voiced his frustration about dating and online dating in particular. I responded with the following words in boldface his words in italics. (Note – The original thread post is here).

[Update – Apparently non-members can’t view the ADVRider thread. But the OPs words and my response is below]

I think a big part of unhappy single men are tired of it. I know at one point or another it becomes tiring to put in so much effort and find such little reward. Even the online dating tips directed at men specifically read “send out 20 messages, lucky if you get 3 replies, of those 3 maybe 1 turns into a date.” Have you ever heard that advice given to a woman? Why not?

The frustrations men feel regarding online dating are large and real. This is why the technology of online dating has changed into the completely instant gratification of Tinder. This is always why singles Meetup.com groups and similar live singles events have become popular. I now recommend that guys only spend 25% of their “find a date” efforts using online dating. Of course, a city is far easier for such live events.

Don’t give me that, “Men want pussy, women have pussy” stuff. Women want sex just as much as men.

Women do want sex as much as guys. But only with men who sexually excite them. That’s the small percentage of charming, charismatic, confident men. And all those characteristics can be learned to some degree, by the way. Caveat for South Florida – having a house on the water and a big boat often cancel out the charming, charismatic, and confident qualities in men.

This entitlement shit has gone too far. Women know they hold the options and express that fact by absorbing attention and effort while offering very little of it themselves.

But post-divorce single women are feeling the frustration of dating just as acutely but differently qualitatively. That demographic simply can get the high-value men to commit (why should they?) and so must face the reality of actually finding men to date who were previously invisible. As well, they have to understand that they must also bring something to the dating and relationship table other than just their genitals.

To that end, an entirely new “counseling” business has developed – the dating coach. These are professionals who help post-divorce women with their relationship goals. It’s a huge business because there is so much frustration. Women are indeed advised to send out their own online dating messages and be more active with responding to incoming messages.

Online dating has destroyed my discovery of outcome independence. I feel it has been helpful to get a few dates, but under the surface I’m analyzing things and not liking what I find.

Again, seriously cut back on your online dating efforts. Find live events (if your area has enough) to attend. Being out amongst other singles in real life will also give you the opportunity to work on your charm, charisma, and confidence.

The frustration of men is rarely discussed in the mainstream media. Men are turning to the Internet where they can find excellent information and advice dispensed by their peers. They may not even read actual Manosphere blogs, forums, and websites but the information gets out in any forum where men congregate online to pursue a generally masculine enthusiasm. For my readers with such enthusiasms, I urge you find relevant forums and check out the off topic areas. I’ll be you’ll find a large number of frustrated men looking for good advice.

I Can Write About It Now…

I made a promise. Now, I am no longer held to that promise.

She was a vivacious and alluring woman. I thought I was in love. That passed quickly because I know that actions speak much louder than words. Her actions made it clear. Worse, her lack of words backed it up. It was a crash and burn that I predicted about 48 hours before I took it down. We both dodged a bullet, each other. Three months is a good time frame to understand attraction, compatibility, and future potential for a person you’re involved with.

It was my ability to intuit the situation that made me make this decision. I recently tweeted about it:

“The instant she pulls back is the instant he moves on.”

This is serious stuff for guys looking to get their relationship goals met. Never invest more than she does. If you do, you run a serious emotional risk. Frankly, I made that mistake in this case. My error is an opportunity for you guys to learn. There are clear signs of a woman’s pull-back:

  • Fewer texts or phone calls
  • Diminished physical affection
  • Diminished verbal affection
  • Less availability on her part

These might seem obvious to an outsider but when a man is too much into the forest, he can’t see the emotional lumberjacks sawing away at the trees.

I was close to having a tree fall on my head.  This does not make me cynical. I still believe in love. But this experience does make me yet more cautious and circumspect about women.

For post-divorce guys, the bottom line is this: Bail first, bail often.

Honest Dating

My blog-buddy, A.B. Dada, recently tweeted out a link to his Facebook post about “low reward dating”. I’m not a big fan of Facebook so, with his permission, here’s his whole post and link here:

Here’s additional info on his policy regarding anti-copyright (I like it)

A guy trying low reward living in 2014 asked for dating advice in 2015. Guess his TV addicted girl-friend didn’t appreciate him saying no to wasting cash at the bars and foodie crackhouses anymore.

Low reward dating is different. It’s about bonding two people closer together. It isn’t about having fun as much as knitting two disparate threads together without knotting them up or fraying them.

I’ll be writing more about low reward dating throughout 2015, but I told him about a few date ideas:

1. Go to a thrift store together and pick up some cheap musical instruments that you aren’t talented at. It might takes a few thrift stores but you’ll find it. Commit to avoiding the clothing section. Then go home, or to a park, or to a local train station and jam together.

2. Read to her. Toss her cheek on your bare chest on the couch and pick a used book up and read it. Slowly. Use your diaphragm so she takes in the deepest vibrations from your voice.

3. Fishing combined with preparing a meal later from what you’ve caught. Learn how to gather wild greens, too. That’s a full day or weekend planned right there.

I never understood the modern premise of dating. I am going to take my hard earned money and my rare time and take a woman I am attracted to so that she can be wowed by better men than me? Sure, let me take you to a movie to gawk at the ripped actor who spent 16 hour days for 3 months to get in shape. Let me take you to the concert where the more confident guy on drugs is crooning on stage. Let me take you to the bar where the mixologist in a vest and bowtie is going to juggle fancy addictive chemicals for $15 each. Let me take you to a restaurant where an executive chef is slaving others to create an amazing plated experience with rare ingredients you never heard of.

Doesn’t make sense, modern dating. It’s shared consumerism, but it doesn’t make you the winner at the end of the night. You’re just the consumer that is paying with both time and money.

A.B. is spot on. However, I don’t like the term “low reward dating” because the connotations are too negative yet the concept is perfect. Dating must not be about sharing consumerist goals. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and weekend trips sets up terrible future expectations and patterns. As A.B. states, dating is a fundamentally a bonding experience. While courtship is part of it, if the relationship goal is to have an satisfying and intimate relationship then it’s best to focus on the bonding element.

I prefer the term “honest dating”. That’s the process where two people get to know each other with shared activities and conversation without all the overhead of consumerism. If either the man or the woman expect such consumerism, neither party can expect real intimacy. Sure, they’ll enjoy some sexy-time and if that’s what they both want, bonus!

Honest dating is a great filter for winnowing out women who are more concerned with security than forming an intimate bond. Men must have a list of inexpensive but interesting date ideas so he can spend time with his date(s) and not be worried about impressing them with cash and prizes. Here’s the bottom line: charisma trumps cash. A trip to the zoo has more opportunities for wooing a dame than any fancy restaurant or gift of a handbag. If she mistakes a handbag for intimacy, she can hope the handbag gives her intimacy in return.

Dating Exercise For Women – Comments

My dating exercise for women has attracted some criticism. This doesn’t surprise me because that exercise doesn’t synch up with the feminine imperative. Given the general level of unhappiness that post-divorce single women have with dating, the exercise is vital and I will stand behind it. These two comments came at roughly the same time and from the same woman.

“We don’t need to put that kind of pressure on young girls, are you kidding. Be for real and be fair. You don’t teach girls that kind of crap unless you are going to teach boys the same thing.”

I’m not aiming this advice at young girls. That comment above is a distraction from my real audience in order to motivate an emotional response. It’s a straw man argument, nothing more. I’m not teaching young people at all. I’m giving information about attraction and dating to the post-divorce demographic.

There is a vast army of concerned individuals and organizations that seek to “educate” young girls about all sorts of social expectations. It can be argued that such an education is much more about indoctrination. I am not, nor ever will be, part of that army. Indeed, the overwhelming majority of my blog posts are directed at men.

“Now instead, why don’t you write an article that tells men that every time they spend time with a woman, to find something good about her, instead of finding something wrong with her and judging her physical qualities the way men so often do women.

Now this comment that I just wrote is the comment to go viral. Please be fair to females!!!!!!!!”

Actually, for too many men, it’s quite the opposite. They ignore a woman’s red flags because they are so enthralled her positive attributes. Men do gauge a woman’s attractiveness. That’s biological so it’s pointless to shame men otherwise. Women’s online dating profiles and advice for women are all about “chemistry”. From the online dating point of view, that’s all about judging men on their physical attraction. This is perfectly natural.

That dating exercise for women is simply a method for women to notice more men, not dating them, simply acknowledging their existence. The post was meant to help post-divorce single women with their dating frustrations. I won’t change my approach. I won’t change my editorial approach to make things “fair”. Life isn’t fair.

I am truthful when I write a blog post directed at my women readers. Fairness is a very subjective term. Fairness is actually a difficult concept to apply given that men and women are so different on so many levels, especially in the context of attraction and dating.

“I Don’t Like To Be Touched”

This made no sense to me when I first heard that phrase uttered by a young woman back in high school. I hadn’t been trying to touch her, actually. I was overhearing her conversation with a female friend. Since then, I’ve heard that phrase, said by both women and men, many more times over the years. The phrase disturbs me. It seems completely unnatural that a person doesn’t like being touched.

Human beings are social creatures. We need to be together, hermits notwithstanding. The use of touch helps to maintain the social bonds amoungst us. Various cultures have ritualistic touching during greetings such as shaking hands, kissing cheeks, hugs, etc. The feelings conveyed include trust, intimacy, affection, loyalty, love and so much more. Marriages end without touch.

Attraction and dating simply couldn’t happen without touch. Pickup artists (PUAs) are keenly aware of the power of touch as a way of showing attraction and perceiving attraction. “Kino” is the term used when a PUA subtly touches a woman during the attraction phase when meeting. When a woman is attracted to a man, she will often involuntarily touch a man. These initial touches are usually subtle.

When a person admits he or she doesn’t like being touched, it’s a direct statement of some type of emotional problem. A problem that clearly puts a huge barrier to forming healthy human relationships. Even a reluctance to be touched can cause dating and attraction issues. This is one of the psychological issues that post-divorce daters must be honest and introspective about before going back into dating.

This is not a demand to change one’s essential nature. This is an opportunity to break from old patterns of behavior that could very well prevent anyone from reaching relationship goals. Just “be yourself” is bad attraction and dating advice if those relationship goals aren’t being met.

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