Top that, motherfuckers!
[Inside joke…but still…]
P.S…. it’s my birthday… I’m now 53
And my dog is still ugly.
This gets a bit complicated but bear with me.
There’s a new Guardian woman columnist who writes about attraction and dating for post-divorce singles. Oh, I know about that! This author has even covered Manosphere issues. Her complete list of blog posts can be found here.
I also blogged about her here.
In my initial blog post, I proposed this:
…have The Guardian fund a trip over here to South Florida. The weather must be awful over there right now. We could go to the beach.
The Guardian is a legitimate UK newspaper with a left-of-center editorial stance. I remember reading it when I was living in the UK so many years ago. I attended the University of Sussex for a year. I get links in my Twitter account to The Guardian and so read their articles often. There are similarities between American and UK culture that can’t be overlooked when considering the relationship between the sexes.
It’s complicated because of all the anonymity. I only know her twitter handle: @GreyStellaGrey and she writes under the pseudonym of “mid-life-ex-wife”. She also claims to be a 50-something single woman doing the online dating thing. But for all I know, it’s a gay man hoping to drum up some clickbait for The Guardian. But the author blocked my own Twitter account so she has no idea what I’m Tweeting. Thankfully, some of my followers are helping me out in this regard…Mina!
Here’s what I am proposing. “Stella” flies across the Atlantic to meet me for a date. Hey, it’s winter in the UK and the weather there sucks at this time of year. The weather here is quite nice. Imagine, The Guardian funds a trip to sunny, South Florida for a disillusioned, 50-something UK single woman to have a date with a one-eyed 50-something American dude who lives close to the beach and has an ugly dog (who snores). What can go wrong?
So here’s what I request… my readers send emails and tweets to The Guardian and “Stella” in order to try to make this happen. All I’m promising is some fine ice cream in my village of Lauderdale-by-the-Sea (that even sounds English!). That’s it. After the across-the-pond date, we can each blog about our respective dating experience with one another other. I get page views, The Guardian gets clicks. Win-win. There are some basic logistics to figure out but I’m sure the crack team of administrative types at The Guardian can handle it
This is going to be legendary!
I’ve tried a bunch of online dating websites over the years. I have purchased the premium features so I could get more out of a particular website. I have also researched and talked to many people about what they find frustrating about online dating. As technology has advanced with bandwidth and data storage, online dating websites can add more features. I was having a nice phone conversation with a woman who is actually creating a new online dating website and she asked me for suggestions for her new website. I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days and here’s my list:
1. The expiring message
This is my best idea. Guys send out a message via the online dating website. He selects the “This message will expire option within certain period of time – 24 hours, 48 hours, whatever. When the woman receives the message, she’s alerted that the message will automatically expire (and be deleted) unless she responds to it. Better still, her profile is automatically blocked if she doesn’t respond within the selected period of time. #2 is related to that.
2. The cut and paste preventer
Guys send out way too many copy and paste messages. It’s embarrassing, ridiculous, and completely ruins the online dating experience for women. If he composes and sends out a copy and paste message, the online dating website scans his previous messages and determines if it’s a copy and paste message and displays a warning: “This message is identical to a previous message you have sent. Please change the message or it will not be sent.” Yeah, there will be work-arounds but this feature would ensure that lazy guys stay on their toes when sending out those messages.
3. The lack-of-photo profile blocker
This one is easy. If there is no photo, the profile will not be displayed and is not searchable. See #4
4. The fake profile nukage
Photos are easy to swipe from the ‘Net. But the ‘Net ain’t stupid. Try this to find some matching images. When photos are posted for a new profile, the online dating website would automatically scan the ‘Net looking for the same images. If one is found of a good-looking person or celebrity, the new profile-poster is presented with this: “The photo you are attempting to upload matches the following photos and your account has been deleted. Sorry, no refunds.”
5. The body analyzer.
A new user attempts to upload a photo and they describe themselves as “slender” or 5’11” in the profile. The website’s algorithm analyzes the photo and assigns the proper weight and height. Hell, maybe it even assigns the accurate age.
I’m no longer the biggest fan of online dating because of the exaggerations and lies that happen with profiles. However, technology can help.
I recently read this opinion piece in The Guardian, a UK-based newspaper/website. It was posted in an odd category, “Online dating Mid-life ex-wife” The author of the piece, writing under a pseudonym, bemoans her invisibility to whom she calls “silver foxes”, guys in their fifties who still have it together in terms of looks
Here’s a salient paragraph:
There seems to be a gender imbalance, vis-a-vis the packaging thing. All the women I know are tolerant of middle age showing itself in a chap. We quite like a late flowering, in fact: the silvering, the smile lines, the coming of bodily sturdiness. We read these as signs that life has been lived and enjoyed. We read them as indicators of substance, of being substantial. In general, men don’t seem to grant us the same courtesy, at least not the men I meet online. They are highly focused on the packaging. It’s disheartening.
This is good news for guys in general. This is good news especially for guys who haven’t strapped 30 pounds of stomach fat above the belt line and who also have at least a modicum of charisma. I know personally what weight loss can do. I also know that charisma is a huge part of being attractive to women.
The author of the piece is very unhappy that men in her demographic aren’t looking at her, they look at much younger women. Well, duh.
Here’s another salient paragraph where the author asks a question to a male friend and he responds accurately:
These are just facts. Men like youth. They like long hair. They like colour. They like slender, as well. Sorry. You’re going to have to lose weight and grow your hair and wear red if you want the silver foxes to see you.
The question is, should I be prepared to change?
Change. There’s the ugly word from the whole story. We Manosphere men encourage self- improvement.
Masculine self-improvement is change. Sadly, when a guy has the audacity to recommend a woman lose weight and grow her hair, it’s usually perceived as a threat and the response from a middle-aged woman is often anger. As we get older, so much changes. What we wore and how we looked from our 20s is hugely different. Women get fat, men lose hair. This shit happens. The author of the above article is having a very difficult with recognizing that those silver foxes don’t notice her because of the changes that come with aging. The question for her is, “how many ordinary men have YOU looked at as you are out and about?”
Yeah, thought so. Change is inevitable.
If a woman in her 50s has been good with her body and her mind, she will get noticed. If she eschews those awful, “comfortable” outfits and makes an attempt at dressing herself to look more attractive, she will get some admiring looks. Being comfortable is a terrible and selfish excuse when being in public. I see that in both men and women. It’s revolting. When I want to draw attention to myself, I dress the part. But no fuzzy hats! For a man, it’s simply a matter of dressing one level up from the rest of the guys.
After an interesting Twitter exchange with the author, she made it clear that she doesn’t want my advice. That’s her choice. She also has to understand that her actions have consequences. Being unwilling to change and adapt to her current demographic landscape means she won’t meet her relationship goals.
However, I was rather flattered that she reads my blog and has been for quite some time. Noice! Stella, you’re a peach! You’re flawed and unyielding, but a peach nonetheless. If you weren’t across the pond, I’d have a date with you. Better yet, have The Guardian fund a trip over here to South Florida. The weather must be awful over there right now. We could go to the beach.
[Update: The author of the column blocked my Twitter account. Lulz!]
She clicked the wrong button on Plenty of Fish. She was viewing her auto-generated matches and there was my smiling face on her computer’s monitor. As her friends had encouraged her to try online dating, she jumped in, not really understanding all the various on-screen controls.
When I opened Plenty of Fish, I saw that her “meet me” message was in my inbox. I reviewed her profile and responded. I never respond with something long and involved. I keep things brief and positive. She responded back. I didn’t know the whole backstory of why she was online dating. She was a bit older than me and her photos showed a woman of an attractive and pleasant demeanor. Smiling makes a woman so much more attractive in her online dating profile photos.
With some back and forth messages that were brief and pleasant, phone numbers were exchanged. Texting resulted, as did a phone call. A daytime, weekend date was set up. It was ice cream at a very established local ice cream place close to where I live. I do a lot of walking.
She arrived a bit late because of parking issues but did send me a text letting me know that she would be late. That’s seriously polite. I hope everyone does the same. We found each other on a summer’s day and spent an hour or two chatting amicably while eating ice cream. The ice cream melted quite quickly.
This is where the courage comes in. This woman was not ready for dating. She knew it and she told me directly early in the conversation. I was not fazed. I enjoy being social and learning about people. It turns out, she’s a widow. Her husband of 20 years had died suddenly only about a year previously. I didn’t question her about the circumstances, that’s way too personal when meeting a person for the first time. She told me flat out that she was seriously considering texting me on multiple occasions to cancel our meeting. But she still came out to meet me. We had a fine chat.
The take-away lesson from that date is this: Dating takes courage. It means moving out of a comfortable space and actually going on dates. This woman did it. Even though she clicked a link accidentally, she followed up and went on a date with me. I was quite flattered. Dating requires introspection and adaptation to the current realities of the world. This includes both technology and social realities. Introspection takes courage. When that woman left the house to meet me, she was taking a big step.
I continually exhort men to get out of the house and be more social. This is a big part of the courage to go on dates. As well, women over a certain complain mightily that not enough men attend social events. Think about this, guys. There are more available single women out in meetspace. Online dating is all well and good but real life is so much better. Courage, gentlemen, courage.
I’m often in public company, whether just walking in the village, attending a social event, or having a cold beverage at one of the several outdoor places here in the village. I like to listen to people have conversation and watch the social interactions amongst a generally middle-aged crowd. For the most part, people are happy and civil. However, there’s always an exception. It’s the voice of the blowhard: (From Merriam-Webster)
a person who talks too much and who has strong opinions that other people dislike
In my part of the world, there is inevitably a guy over 45 with right-of-center political views. Given any opportunity he will make a loud, ill-informed (always) statement. It’s so loud and so ill-informed that he only serves to embarrass himself. It’s not attractive. Imagine a blowhard at a singles event. He’s offputting. He harshes the mellow. He is borderline offensive.
It’s OK to be an online blowhard. Hell, I’ve been accused of that enough times. But real life is a very different matter. What happens online is not real life.
The blowhard lacks emotional self-control, a trait in men that is equally nasty as the same in women. I recognize the blowhard because I have to be careful not to be one. When I’m in public – and, shudder, on dates – I tend to talk too much about Red Pill ideas. Such notions sometimes don’t go over well and it takes a lot of my psychic energy to select my words very, very carefully. Men should always be careful about how they speak.
Being a blowhard is also related to being ready for dating. If a guy is compelled to talk about an ex on a first date, he’s not ready for dating. Likewise, if he feels compelled to talk about his political ideology on a first date, he’s not ready for dating. If a man can talk about something that encompasses different points of view, that means he’s intelligent and thoughtful about a particular subject. That’s very attractive to women. Intelligence is a turn-on.
I understand that making authoritative statements can make a woman swoon. But the massive caveat is that those statements must be about something she can relate to, not something that she has no interest in. As well, the know-it-all who loudly interjects a verbal opinion is not a confident maneuver. It’s an obnoxious maneuver.
There are too many guys that I would like to smack upside the head for being blowhards. But I won’t. I’ll focus on how I deliver my own opinions, not on the failures of how other men deliver theirs.
Note: Several twitter account links are included because I likes me some Twitter. Get yourselves some Twitter and follow me… @man_private
I follow about 1,100 accounts on Twitter. There’s a lot of political and cultural chatter that I take an interest in but rarely re-tweet or respond to with my own tweet(s). I do actively follow younger PUA (Pick Up Artist) guys because some of them are quite good at distilling solid attractive advice for men into cogent tweets. Here’s a great example from BE A PICKUP ARTIST;) @PUA_DATING_TIPS:
Pushovers are wussy, betas who don’t believe they deserve better treatment. GROW A SPINE. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF (with this photo attached).
Scoundrel @ScoundrelBlog Responded with:
What’s the sexiest part of a man’s body?
This, in spades. A man’s figurative backbone is the foundation of his confidence. Without that confidence, his attractiveness to women is at its nadir. Do note that I’m not a big fan of the whole alpha/beta binary. Masculine attractiveness is on a scale and is also contextual based on the current social situation, even unrelated to being attractive to women.
This twitter interchange brings us over to the world of professional dating coaches. Bobbi Palmer @BobbiPal – who’s customer base is 100% women – asks:
What is one thing that a man can do that would totally surprise you in today’s world?
My response was this:
Show some backbone. The sexiest part of a man’s body is his spine.
Yes, she was asking that of her overwhelmingly female twitter following but I couldn’t resist because Bobbi is a clever person and knows good information when she reads it.
This is all theory for many guys, I know. Theory without practical steps is useless. So, here are some concrete steps for a man to follow. Yes, I covered this before but it always bears repeating.
I went to a very small private high school in New England. There were only 63 kids in my graduating class, a bit over 300 in the whole school. There were a lot of bright, creative young people. Quite a few went on to ivy league colleges. One or two became quite famous.
One particular guy in my class, Carl, was known for his creative and essentially harmless stunts he played on the school. On Valentine’s day, our senior year, Carl did one of those stunts. Every Valentine’s day, the senior class sold flowers and delivered them to the wooden, wall-mounted cubbies (we called them that) in the halls each student was given to store his/her stuff. We didn’t have lockers. A student would order a flower and it would be given anonymously to the object of that student’s affection. A white flower was for friendship, a red flower was romance. Given that the student’s wooden cubbies didn’t have doors, the flowers received in a cubby (labeled with the student’s name) became something of a popularity contest. A pretty girl’s cubby would have a dozen or more flowers on display. A popular guy would have the same thing. For the record, I only received two flowers in my entire three years at the school.
Back to Carl. As a bright and clever fellow, he understood the social validation nature of the flower-giving on Valentine’s day at our school. So, he prepared an individual Valentine for every girl in the school, about 170 of them. He spent some time on preparations and on February 14, he arrived at school before the crack of down to execute his stunt. When the rest of the students arrived later in the morning, every girl found a Valentine token from Carl in her cubby. The whole school was laughing because Carl had pulled off quite a joke.
Here’s what he did – He wrote some very strategic words on a piece of ordinary, (8 1/2″ by 11″) white photocopier paper. He actually used some basic typesetting so the words weren’t hand-written. He then photocopied enough copies (again, on ordinary white paper) for every girl in the school. Before everyone else arrived for the school day, he went through the halls where the student cubbies were located and placed his Valentine message in only the girls’ cubbies.
The punchline? The words on every identical photocopied Valentine message were these:
“You’re my one and only”.