The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Some Realities About Attraction And Dating

Ross Jeffries is a seduction educator from way back. His first book on seduction was published over 20 years ago. He had a great quote that I heard on an archived talk show from 1992. When he was asked “What do women really want?” his response was rather brutal.

“I don’t care what they want.”

Before the audience could respond, he continued.

“I only care what women respond to.”

This is the solid crux of the matter. It is the heart of the Red Pill world view in the context of attraction and dating. It is what men of all ages must accept and internalize. There’s a blizzard of words where women claim what they want. Fair enough, but social expectations and polite company compel women to say what they are expected to say. Men must know this if they are to have good dating experiences. The rest of the TV segment is entertaining.

Some more of his wisdom:

“There is what women say they want.

There is what women think they want.

There is what women respond to.

Which one do you think matters?”

This is rather cold stuff but it’s ultimately true. The truth of this is on display in the online dating profiles of women. I’ve read thousands upon thousands of such profiles and the vast majority are not exactly riveting. Fortunately, there are consistent patterns in these profiles. Here is a typical statement in a woman’s profile:

“I’m looking for a decent, honorable guy because I’m tired of dating jerks.”

This is a perfectly reasonable request. Yet between the lines it’s easy to see how the actions and words are not in synchronization. The desire for a decent, honorable guy is what she says wants and what she thinks she wants. But how is it that she keeps dating jerks? Those are her actions in real life and that’s the fundamentally truth. She reacts positively to the type of guys she perceives – retroactively – as jerks. Why are they jerks? It’s very likely that these were attractive men simply exercising their options regarding women. When it comes to attraction, no one wants to be just an option. This is a feature of our species, not a bug.

I render absolutely no judgments on either the woman or the men she’s dated in the past. This is simply the reality regarding attraction and dating. No amount of social expectations or shame can change this reality. Men and women will do what they want even while acknowledging (with words) the problems of the current attraction and dating landscape. Rather than wasting energy of trying to change the world, both men and women can make personal adjustments to better adapt so that relationship goals can be met.

My blog and many other Manosphere blogs encourage masculine self-improvement that goes way beyond the pickup artist systems marketed by thinly veiled hucksters. I focus more on charisma, confidence, competence, and leadership. But some of my blog peers focus on physical self-improvement. Others make masculine fashion the central theme of the blog. The nice side effect of such masculine improvement is that a man becomes more attractive to more women. Note that I said this is a side effect, not the primary goal of self-improvement.

There are far more resources available for women looking to meet their relationship goals. In previous blog posts, I’ve already mentioned the dating coach industrial complex. There are also hundreds of self-help books for women that address attraction and dating. I’ve also had some advice for women. The dating exercise for women  is one of my best blog posts for women. I’ve also got some good stuff at Red Pill Dating blog.

If a man comes to me for advice and I can only give him one sentence, it would be “To learn about women, always look to their actions before accepting their words.” Ross Jeffries knew this and broadcast it back in the day. I’m sure my commenters will bring up far more ancient and similar wisdom. I welcome that. Human beings are remarkably predictable regarding the behaviors of attraction and courtship. Generalizing is not a bad thing in this context because we’re all not actually special snowflakes. To willfully ignore those patterns is the fast track to relationship goal failure and general dating frustration.

OK, time for the comments – “I’m not like that” or “I know someone who isn’t like that.” See, I told you that people are predictable!

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10 thoughts on “Some Realities About Attraction And Dating

  1. Pingback: Some Realities About Attraction And Dating |

  2. Acksiom on said:

    “This is rather cold stuff”

    No; that’s just the absence of the “warmth” people feel inside when they’re getting something from others without equal reciprocation. It feels plenty warm on the inside of the person choosing not to be exploited.

  3. “To learn about women, always look to their actions before accepting their words.”
    -This is excellent advice, not only in regards to women, but everyone, of any age. When you grow up being bullied by both sexes, you learn real quick that friendly words conceal daggers, and that people only offer to help carry your textbooks so they can throw ’em down the stairs. Better to judge people based on what they do rather than what they say.

    ” Generalizing is not a bad thing in this context because we’re all not actually special snowflakes.”
    -Ah, come on, PM. That’s not true. Always remember you’re unique…just like everybody else. 😉

  4. Actions, actions, actions. “Words are wind,” said more than one character in GRR Martin’s A Song Of Ice and Fire series.
    Jeffries Is also right. It’s rather pragmatic advice since it avoids mind-reading. And i I’ve have had much the same experience.. It’s good to.see you back. Keep.posting.

  5. wingman on said:

    PM – your words are the mark of true wisdom. I am no misogynist by any means. The presence of women can greatly improve the rough side of manliness, and having a network of women in our lives is a good thing for men. But, it is hard for me to have much respect for those who use emotions as a primary tool for validating the world around them. When emotions over-power logic, trouble usually follows. If I were a woman, I would try to use logic and recognize that ingrained pitfall. As a man, I’m not sure when I would employ emotion as a check on logic. Except maybe in the case of rearing young children.

    • I used to feel same way, but I’m slowly coming around to the idea that too much logic filters out information much like too much emotion does.

      Actions over words. A healthy skepticism of change from past behaviour is a good rule. Keep in mind, that just like the woman who doesn’t want to date jerks might have a past of dating jerks, the man who doesn’t want to date difficult women might have a past doing so.

  6. deti on said:

    The one thing I’d offer a man with regard to intersexual relationships (all relationships, really) is:

    “Frame is everything. Whoever controls the frame controls the course of the interactions between the two of you.”

  7. Words like the above has awakened me- a virgin when I was married, had sex w/only one woman, father of 2 Christian man – I kept on listening to her instead of studying her actions. Thanks Private man, as a 40+ yr old man currently living separately from my wife of 15+ yrs, your blog has been a beacon of light. Id like to buy you a beer (or two) if youre ever on the West Coast.

  8. PM, I just wanted to let you know that you were my muse the other day.

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