Spreadsheet Husband
Now that the news of the Spreadsheet Husband, “SH”, has faded and cooler minds can prevail, it’s my turn to weigh in. There’s a big caveat here, I rarely opine on relationship issues because my forte is attraction and dating. But this story I cannot ignore because many of my male readers can likely relate to SH’s frustrations with their sex lives while they were married or in a committed relationship. Here are some links for folks to catch up.
Reddit (Where it all started but has since been removed, comments are available)
Jezebel
Globe and Mail (Canada)
Us Magazine
People
NY Daily News
Huffington Post
Independent (UK)
The full list links is very long which shows just how sensitive this issue is. Where comments are available, it’s worth checking them out to a sense of how this struck such a nerve.
Here’s my input: I think Spreadsheet Husband did the right thing. He called out his wife on her unwillingness to help him enjoy his sexuality with her. He did it correctly. The spreadsheet was perfect, especially the log of the reasons why she turned him away. This put her on the serious defensive. So much so, she had to respond with the standard reasons for a sexless spell in their marriage and not simply denying the events. When he went silent on his wife during her business trip, he was adding the necessary exclamation point with “dread game“.
The response to this story was utterly predictable. He’s excoriated for being passive/aggressive. She’s supported because he’s, well, desirous of sex from his wife. Oh, that brute! The story originally broke on Reddit and that’s where the good comments are. Once the mainstream media picked up it up, the feminine imperative erupted loudly and the focus quickly shifted to the sexual desires of women and the victimhood of this particular wife. This is yet another example of how the sexual desires of the man should be a lessor priority in the context of a committed relationship.
The angry reaction against SH simply showed that he was fundamentally right. His wife simply failed him, he pointed it out with unassailable documentation, and the rally-round-the-vag crowd went bananas. Hell, even the BroBible guys went after the husband. Nice white knighting, Bros. Let’s hope that’s not an editorial policy going forward.
This story is also a cautionary tale for men, especially men entering a marriage or live-in relationship situation. As a husband, a man has obligations and responsibilities but the wife, much less so. This applies in the bedroom, of course. Her sexual satisfaction is more important than his. This is the feminine imperative and it can often be unpleasant and unfair to men. As a peer pointed out, we don’t know how SH approached his wife for some sexy time. Perhaps he was supplicating and weak, a true turn-off for women. We also have to consider his sexual prowess, or lack thereof.
I hope that SH gets out of this sexless situation. Being rather cynical, I doubt that the wife will put on her big girl panties and recognize that what she did was wrong. I also suspect that SH will backpeddle and apologize profusely. There’s a good place to send him before divorce looms – Athol Kay’s website. If SH is not taking the lead in his sexual relationship with his wife, he won’t be taking the skin boat to tuna town on a regular basis.
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The Private Man 
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Not all one-sided. Look at Dalrock’s “Frigidity and Power”, wherein he catalogs other comment threads and articles where other women dump on the wife and defend the husband: well at least I ain’t frigid like you obviously are, honey, he’s right to dump you. The “how dare he – you go grrl” trope yields to the need for social proof that the grrl’s still got it and can keep a man happy.
Wow, that’s weird.
I had no clue about any of this “spreadsheet husband” thing, but my most recent post covers the same topics.
While I don’t think his cutting off all communication is a mature action, I must say the wife’s previous actions weren’t mature either. This is only his documentation since June 1st…who knows how long he truly went with such little sex? I’ll bet good money that it was months prior.
I am of the belief that no spouse owes the other spouse sex. However, if you are the libidoless spouse and you know that your significant other is not feeling loved, appreciated, or sexually desired…well, don’t be surprised if they search for it somewhere else. Or send you a spreadsheet detailing your apparent uncaring attitude.
“As a peer pointed out, we don’t know how SH approached his wife for some sexy time.”
Out of pure curiosity, how *do* most men approach their partners for sexy time? I initiate sex about 90% of the time with my FwB. I do things like rubbing his shoulders while whispering suggestive words in his ears, continuously brushing up against him in the kitchen/living room, casually lying on the couch naked, or asking him for dick pics while he’s at work. The few times he initiates, it’s usually just a kiss that lasts for a long time, or he just randomly asks me to undress him.
What do other people do? How often do they initiate vs their partner? Is one usually the initiator more than the other?
It’s probably worth noting that the Brobible article was actually written by a woman. So it’s not “white knighting” as much as “Team Woman circling the wagons”.
Point taken about the sex of the article’s author. But why is a dame writing for BroBible?!
Tarnished Let me clue you in to a few things if I may.
I don’t agree with his approach with asking for sex instead of initiating and I also think actually giving the spreadsheet to his wife was a bad idea. However he played dread game afterwards as well he should and that was a good move.
As for sex in a marriage your dam right a wife OWES her husband sex and is obligated to perform with enthusiasm. On the other hand he must create genuine attraction in her so she desires sex with him and even iniates. A man should initiate and never ask because that’s weak and will turn a woman off and quick. Also I think a woman should be iniating wuite often too or it needs to be mutually spontanious in a healthy relationship.
A lot of men approach their wives clumsily but they always did and the good wives love them for it. I a lot more aggressive myself, but at certain points in my now ended marriage I was passive and that exacerbated the problem.
My ex would email me dirty pictures on the few occasions she initiated. Many of my girlfriends now they just look at me that way or they might send text me naughty pictures. As for me I normally just grab them, start kissing them and tell them to go into the bedroom, or I take them wherever we are at.
Im not trying to be a dick, but Im so very tired of the no one is owed sex bullshit. When you marry you owe your spouse sex. Its as necessary as air for both man and women and the marriage.
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Like Hancock said: Good job. One of the better comments on the whole affair. I also thought the bros were too brutal to SH. Maybe he is a beta but he is communicating the problem in a very direct way. You are probably right about the outcome though. Maybe the guy will stumble across Athol’s site or yours and avoid such a disaster in the future.
I remember seeing that spreadsheet post… I totally agree with you in that I think he did the right thing. I think she needed a wake up call – she was the one who posted it online to embarrass her mate and their marriage. And I think you’re right again that she will probably not change, and will hold this over his head until they (more than likely) finally divorce. With her being the one instigating the divorce.
Its really typical – just not usually so stupidly public.
I was one of those beta SH. Kept it in mind. For years. I thought it was the responsible thing to do after choosing marriage and having children. Then I got depressed. Then I got upset and then I started to look for answers. That’s how I found about the red pill, Athol and plenty of other things.
Now I’m fixing myself and initiate when I want. She can choose yes or no of course; but she knows by my own words, because I wanted to be truthful, we can be friends if she decides she doesn’t like sex any more. Divorced friends. Not asking much, around every four days, sometimes sooner, I’m considerate during mens and help her with PMS, which is quite real. If she doesn’t like sex but finds i’m not enough(?) and slips something that’s divorce too. I love my children and I’ll always be for them; just not in the next room if that case arrives. I know a person in my situation who took the easy way out with a gun. Better happy and alive than that.
Probably he was a beta orbiter who got lucky and got ranked as provider. He was oblivious about being manipulated but if a man loses sex that’s our call to arms. He did the right thing. It just got public. Hopefully he’s following the MAP or learning about being a man taking the red pill.
Wow! This is the first I’ve heard of this. Before my divorce I had a spreadsheet that was eerily similar. I did it to remind myself of the objective truth when she tried the Jedi Mind Trick on me. Every man knows you can’t win an argument with the objective truth, because PROVING she is wrong will only piss her off more. But it is a handy tool for reassuring one of his own sanity.
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