The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Learned Introversion

Being introverted must be a difficult thing. While I can sympathize, it’s hard for me to empathize. I’m an extrovert. This means I am energized when I’m being socially involved, face to face. Introverts lose energy when being socially involved. Much of this introversion and extroversion is because of how we are individually wired. There is however, learned introversion because of a guy’s lifestyle. Here’s a recent article from NY Magazine that describes more about introversion.

Imagine man who has been recently divorced. He’s living out in the ‘burbs and works a regular white-collar job. He’s got two kids and a visitation (I loathe that word) schedule with his kids. Being out in the ‘burbs, there’s not a lot of opportunities for social interaction. He might be an extrovert as part of his nature. But given his schedule and geographical location he can’t indulge that part of his nature. So, he becomes a learned introvert because of social isolation.

Learned introversion is also encouraged through technology. Frankly, the nerds won the social interaction game. Online dating, online chatting, and texting have all lessened a man’s social skills. Fold in online porn and video games and the situation gets even worse. There was once a time of dinner parties, social clubs, even local bars. Those times have faded and the consequence is a serious decrease in a man’s social skills.

I know that many guys will understand this situation. I’ve been there as well. Describing and identifying with the situation is the easy part. The real challenge is fixing the situation. The biggest problem is social inertia. It’s too easy for a man to be stuck in a social rut. Again, this is understandable. Here come some fixes for you guys:

1. As I have said many, many times before… get out of the house! Yes, I know this is a facile thing to say. But for a learned introvert this is not so difficult. It’s just a matter of remembering what you once did way back before marriage and divorce. There are some caveats here. Don’t go to nightclubs unless they are age specific! If you want to be pitching woo to way younger women, the average nightclub is a bad idea.

2. Technology can be your friend. This is counter intuitive based on what I wrote just a few paragraphs previously. I’m not referring to online dating. I’m referring to Meetup.com and other websites or forums where like-minded individuals have the opportunity to meet in real life. This doesn’t have to be about singles groups, it can be about any enthusiasm. Such meet ups are all about social interaction. Use them.

3. Re-learn some social skills. Interacting with people outside of work and family is not easy if a man hasn’t done this for years, possibly decades. Here’s the common resource I’ve pitched for a while.  The best way to re-learn is to be social once again.

4. Be actively social by inviting people over to your place, someplace public, some type of event. This could be a happy hour or a meet up somewhere else. In effect, host a social event on your own. If you have female friends, ask them to help (they should be thrilled!). Being the host of any social event creates automatic pre-selection. The women will respond to that in a very good way.

Notice that I’ve not mentioned picking up women or the other skills of attraction. The post-divorce man must first get out in public and end his learned introversion. Then, and only then, can he deal with the realities of meeting women and dating. Fortunately, that’s a social skill set that can be learned.

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8 thoughts on “Learned Introversion

  1. Pingback: Learned Introversion | Manosphere.com

  2. rugby11ljh on said:

    One hell of a good read.

  3. Outside of sex, there’s no benefit to relationships with women. I’d personally rather masturbate anyways. Why? No diseases, no pregnancies, no drama, no false rape or DV charges, no commitments that come back to haunt you, no marriage, no divorce, no disappointments, my right hand has yet to say no and it’s free. Besides, porn is pretty darn good these days.

    Luckily, I’m an introvert. I’d hate to be an extrovert. And don’t give me that crap about my poor mother and/or sisters. They’re all whores that took their husbands for what they could and later divorced them.

    Women have priced themselves out of the market as far as I’m concerned. Can’t wait for sexbots and/or VR sex.

  4. Braivo on said:

    As a divorced single father living in suburbia I can attest to this. Not only does geography inhibit social connections, but the stigma of being a divorced man amongst married couples causes one to be ostracized. You are not often included in the couples-centric social gatherings of neighbors. Some lesser beta males even view you as a cuck threat, given the looks some of their wives give me may be a legitimate concern of theirs.

    If you have kids your social circle can easily expand from there. I have met several other singie dads this way, as well as couples to socialize with.

  5. Shaz on said:

    I think a dog (even an ugly dog :)) can help too. My SO was widowed after a 20 year marriage. He never stopped walking his dog every day to the local coffee joint. He’s an introvert by nature but not shy at all and would chat with anyone who came over to pet the dog. That’s how we met.

  6. Interaction is a negative-sum game for introverts. And as culture has increasingly feminised, more men talk like and have similar interests to women.

    Tradcons have shamed men for withdrawing, and whilst not ideal its a logical reaction to an illogical culture. There is a war for the mind, and as an introvert i need all the respite I can get.

    • Introversion is one of those things that can be rewired. I haven’t mastered it completely, but it’s something that can be developed. It’s possible to be the life of the party AND gain energy. It’s possible to be in extroverted jobs and gain energy. It’s possible to be surrounded by people all the time, at home and about, without needing to retreat and recharge. (Well, most of the time.) But, it requires pushing yourself consistently, which requires motivation, /and it requires boundaries. (cocky funny , but with a point handles most social boundary situations An ability to be a bitch/asshole on large infractions.) Polite, yet direct assertiveness in work situations, Consistency is the key. On another note, get rid of gluten in your diet. Some people are more sensitive to microbes growing in the gut which pass the blood brain barrier, Studies show that the toxins from these microbes create intoverted behaviour in mice. (Drink your green smoothies.)

      The thing is, most introverts aren’t particularly motivated to be extroverted. It’s a bit like excercising. Attempts are made, exhaustion and pain ensue. Motivation is lost. People can seem irritating and annoying, so why choose more of it? The thing is, we attract what we are.

  7. Richard Cranium on said:

    It’s been my experience that past a certain age “going out” is just something that older people re: past 30-ish don’t have the time or interest to doing. They’ve settled into that lifestyle of work/soccer practice/chores. It’s literally pulling teeth trying to get someone in my age bracket (mid 40’s) to come to one of my gigs. They just go “Oh geez wow I dunno. I’d have to drive 20 minutes to West Palm and go to a club and stay out past 9PM.” I’ve literally talked to people that say wow I haven’t been to a bar/nightclub in 20 years.

    That also plays into the dating game. The mindset is that oh “going out is for the kids I’m older where an I gonna go?” We also live in a part of the country that has a vibrant nightlife and tons of options for entertainment. A lot of guys are in the ‘burbs and other parts of the country and it’s a major chore just to get to a TGIF’s for a happy hour.

    So guys, spruce up your wardrobe, do something with that hair and get out there!

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