The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

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Request For Questions

Inspired by this Illimitable Men blog post, I am requesting that my readers send me questions about post-divorce attraction and dating or any subject where curiosity lies.

Some questions I will answer publicly (with permission) through a mail bag blog post or privately with an email from me. Please note, I suck at relationship advice. I have some ideas about relationships but I will likely defer to those who have much better advice.

So, shoot me some questions either via email or with a comment below. Hell, I’ll even answer personal questions, within limits. My email information is here.

I look forward to hearing from you.

The Opposite Of Validation Is Shame

I spend a great deal of time reading commentary and news on the changing trends in American culture. Our culture is obviously not static. Social expectations shift. This is to be expected within any culture. Even the most traditional cultures will change. The pace of change is increasing because of changing technology and the influences of one culture upon another culture.

There is a cultural shift that creates the social expectation to be more “progressive”, a word with so many murky connotations that it’s almost useless as an adjective and noun. I far more prefer the term “individualism”. For better and worse, our culture is moving to one that is solely focused on the actions and words of the individual, not the group. But this is in direct conflict with our basic human need to be social, to be connected.

Our need to be connected is manifested by the intense desire to be similar with others around us and accepted by those same folks. This is easily seen on the school yard with peer pressure and peer acceptance. As adults, we naturally tend to associate with others like ourselves. Those not like us are the “others”. This is wired into our DNA. I’m making no value judgements on this. It just is.

From this comes the concept of validation. This is where the individual seeks approval from the group and other individuals. In the realm of attraction and dating, this is need to be desirable to the opposite sex so that an attraction can be established. There are many means to increase one’s desirability. Men and women do things differently but the end result is the same.

There is a natural reaction when a person does not receive validation. That reaction is shame. Rejection is the feeling that is expressed publicly, it’s the shame that wraps itself around our souls and burrows into our psyches. A string of rejections is especially brutal. This is why guys are encouraged to have a thick skin and prepare for such rejections.

People drop out of dating completely without the validation of desirability. It is because of the shame they feel. Of course, it’s unlikely that any one person would admit to this shame. This is no matter, the actions of the dating drop-out say far much more. That person gave up because of the lack of validation and the subsequent feelings of shame.

Our individualistic culture is responding, badly, to the pressures of the need to be socially validated. All sorts of “acceptance” social propaganda campaigns are being pushed into our culture. The attempt is to turn political correctness into personal correctness. Our actions, or words, everything about us must be influenced and controlled but a minority of people who simply can’t get the validation they need from the group. That group is us, the average folks, the “normies”.

What is between our ears and in our DNA simply cannot be controlled by the terrible unreality of contemporary social expectations. This is made completely obvious by the millions of online dating profiles where preferences are made clear. OKCupid has brilliantly data mined their databases and communications among subscribers. Attraction preferences are made unambiguously clear with this research. Those preferences fall along our DNA-based desire to be part of a group of like-minded individuals. Why do affinity-based online dating websites even exist?

Of course there are exceptions. The study of statistics regarding human behavior yields consistent results. Think about the bell curve. It is our human nature to focus on those exceptions and so a logical fallacy surfaces. We assume the actions of a small group are reflective on what happens to the larger group. This is simply untrue. Frankly, assuming the exception is reflective of the general does extraordinary social and personal harm. Putting someone on the cover of a magazine doesn’t mean we must accept that person’s decisions. If someone wants to be validated, he/she must do that knowing how our biology works regarding validation and shame. It’s not pretty. It’s real.

[If you found this blog post informative, please support my Patreon efforts]

The Perils Of Technology (Beware The Facebook Zone)

As I peruse the interwebz looking for interesting and relevant content for my blog, I came across a video from a dating coach, Kezia Noble, who speaks to the issue of Facebook in the context of attraction and dating. She’s fundamentally correct about Facebook. This is especially true for the younger crowd, Kezia’s main focus. Mercifully, men over a certain age can plead ignorance regarding much of social media, especially Facebook. “I don’t do Facebook” is perfectly acceptable. Try that if you’re under 35 years old.

Note, I do have a Facebook account but it is not active and I’ve locked it down to friends and family only and I haven’t updated my timeline in almost a year. It could be more but I simply don’t log into Facebook anymore. Facebook is a stinking digital swamp for post-divorce singles unless updating family and close friends. Just for shits and giggles, Google up the term “Facebook divorce“.

Technology is a galaxy-sized mixed blessing when it comes to attraction and dating. The good things are obvious. It starts with online dating, yet another mixed blessing. Regardless, online dating is one way of contacting women. Texting is another good thing regarding efficient communication. Back in the day, we had land lines and answering machines. We also had public pay phones. That wasn’t so efficient but we made do with what we had.

Technology helps us communicate, this much is true. As social creatures, humans need to communicate. A quick text or a Skype video conversation can go a long way to reinforce social and romantic connections. With technology, we are never out of touch with each other, often regardless of geography. This is certainly a method of connection but it’s certainly not perfect.

It’s now time to talk about the cons of technology in the context of attraction and dating. The worst is that technology can be used as a shield. Texts can be ignored. Calls can be ignored. Skype can be ignored. The worst of it applies to online dating. Men send out messages and no responses are received. This is the catalog nature of online dating. It also strongly points to the failure of technology when attempting to connect individuals in hopes of meeting relationship goals.

What’s the ultimate end result of using technology to facilitate communication between the sexes? Scammers. These are the filth of the earth who are exploiting the need for human interaction in the nebulous world of online dating. Scamming can also be more passive. This is where a person merely seeks validation of desirability with no intention of meeting up in real life. Hell, the African scammers are at least direct in their efforts. The validation scammer is far more conniving and dishonest. Technology allows this to happen.

Let’s get back to Facebook. One of the central tenets in the pick up artistry realm is escalation. The man is the first to ask for the phone number. He is the first to declare (not ask!) the date. He is the first to go for the kiss. When a man asks for a phone number and her response is to go to Facebook, it’s a rejection, pure and simple. She’s using technology as an excuse to protect his feelings.

Once pushed into the Facebook moat, a supplicating simp will attempt to scale the castle walls with Facebook messages and updates. I roll my eye at this. It’s a sad place for a man to be. I’ve watched guys do this. In my past, I’ve done this but it was before Facebook and the landscape of social media.

For guys, the de-escalation into social media must be seen as a total rejection. His response must be that she’s done, she’s gone – never to be contacted again. This is how technology can help a man. It can be a means of gauging how much a woman is attracted to him. If she proffers up her Facebook account in lieu of a phone number, there’s simply not enough interest on her part.

For all post-divorce singles, I will re-iterate my advice – keep your online dating efforts in the background. Spend more time with Meetup.com or similar live events where singles actually see each other face to face, as how it must happen. Yes, it can be intimidating, but without guts, there is no glory.

There’s no small irony that I exploit technology ruthlessly to get these messages out. This is the reality on the ground for content creators like myself. Gutenberg was a good start. Data centers and blogging is a great leap forward (that’s a reference to the scumbag Mao) to reach so many more.

[If you liked this blog post, please support my efforts through my Patreon endeavors]

 

How To Be A Good Presenter At Work

Speaking to an audience is a very scary experience. This is one reason that there are paid speakers to kick off an event. Those folks are the ones on stage, informing and entertaining an audience. They also have special skills that not every has, either naturally or trained.

But this is not about professional speaking. Those are advanced skills. This is for the average person who has to give a presentation during a meeting with clients or colleagues. It’s likely a presentation consisting of a dozen or so PowerPoint slides on a business topic. A status report or end of quarter re-cap of numbers is quite typical. A kick-off presentation for a new project is another common one.

I’m not going into the details of creating good PowerPoint presentations. There are plenty of online resources for that. What I’m talking about is when the presenter starts talking. From my experience, most PowerPoint presentations are given in conference rooms where the participants sit around a large table and the PowerPoint display (on a wall or other type of screen) is the focus of attention.

If there is only one presentation to give, it’s important that the presenter sits closest to the screen. This serves two functions. First, it allows the presenter to turn his head to face the participants. This part is incredibly important as I will explain below. Second, if the presenter is closer to the screen, the focus of the participants isn’t split too much. As an aside, it’s easier for the presenter to see the screen. Hey, our eyes are getting older and less strong! I speak from direct experience on this one.

If there a multiple presenters, the head of the meeting might just move around the table, letting each presenter do his or her thing. This presents a challenge to each presenter. A suggestion at the beginning of the meeting/presentation, someone should suggest a presenter’s chair. Of course, this might be not feasible because of cable length connection. The work around is for the presenter to direct someone else to advance the slides on whichever computer the PowerPoint file is accessed.

The purpose of a presentation is to convey information and most importantly, hold the attention of the participants. Without that attention, the information is not fully conveyed and, in effect, the presentation didn’t succeed. The source material is the responsibility of the presenter. How well that material is delivered is also the responsiblity of the presenter.

The most important way to hold someone’s attention is eye contact. This is why is so vital for the presenter to be close to the display screen. People’s attention too easily wanders when the screen is too far away from the presenter. This also means that the presenter can’t be staring solely at the display. So, the presenter must know his presentation well so he can look at the audience. One of the big mistakes that presenters make is to only look at one person. It is absolutely important that the presenter makes a point to look at all the people in the room at some point, preferably at many points during the presentation.

The second point of attention is the voice. The biggest complaint from presentation participants is that the presenter has a flat, monotone voice. This can be remedied by watching and copying actors deliver good dialog. This doesn’t mean being overly dramatic while delivering a presentation. It’s not a Shakespeare play, just some PowerPoint slides. Just learning when to pause and when to enunciate the correct words and phrases really serve to hold the participants’ attention and focus. I’ve written about voice control previously.

This helps with man’s overall attractiveness outside of work. Good presentation skills are often seen as good leadership skills. Ever seen a successful CEO speak? Most often, that CEO has a very excellent presence while speaking. That CEO started with ordinary presentations, back in the days of PowerPoint 1.0 (if there was such a thing).

Delivering good presentations builds confidence and subsequent leadership. These are serious attraction points in a man. These are also good for a man’s career or his entrepreneurial endeavors. Even post-divorce, these characteristics can be learned and practiced.

[Even you found this blog post to be useful, please consider being a supporter through my Patreon efforts, thanks!]

Learned Introversion

Being introverted must be a difficult thing. While I can sympathize, it’s hard for me to empathize. I’m an extrovert. This means I am energized when I’m being socially involved, face to face. Introverts lose energy when being socially involved. Much of this introversion and extroversion is because of how we are individually wired. There is however, learned introversion because of a guy’s lifestyle. Here’s a recent article from NY Magazine that describes more about introversion.

Imagine man who has been recently divorced. He’s living out in the ‘burbs and words a regular white-collar job. He’s got two kids and a visitation (I loathe that word) schedule with his kids. Being out in the ‘burbs, there’s not a lot of opportunities for social interaction. He might be an extrovert as part of his nature. But given his schedule and geographical location he can’t indulge that part of his nature. So, he becomes a learned introvert because of social isolation.

Learned introversion is also encouraged through technology. Frankly, the nerds won the social interaction game. Online dating, online chatting, and texting have all lessened a man’s social skills. Fold in online porn and video games and the situation gets even worse. There was once a time of dinner parties, social clubs, even local bars. Those times have faded and the consequence is a serious decrease in a man’s social skills.

I know that many guys will understand this situation. I’ve been there as well. Describing and identifying with the situation is the easy part. The real challenge is fixing the situation. The biggest problem is social inertia. It’s too easy for a man to be stuck in a social rut. Again, this is understandable. Here come some fixes for you guys:

1. As I have said many, many times before… get out of the house! Yes, I know this is a facile thing to say. But for a learned introvert this is not so difficult. It’s just a matter of remembering what you once did way back before marriage and divorce. There are some caveats here. Don’t go to nightclubs unless they are age specific! If you want to be pitching woo to way younger women, the average nightclub is a bad idea.

2. Technology can be your friend. This is counter intuitive based on what I wrote just a few paragraphs previously. I’m not referring to online dating. I’m referring to Meetup.com and other websites or forums where like-minded individuals have the opportunity to meet in real life. This doesn’t have to be about singles groups, it can be about any enthusiasm. Such meet ups are all about social interaction. Use them.

3. Re-learn some social skills. Interacting with people outside of work and family is not easy if a man hasn’t done this for years, possibly decades. Here’s the common resource I’ve pitched for a while.  The best way to re-learn is to be social once again.

4. Be actively social by inviting people over to your place, someplace public, some type of event. This could be a happy hour or a meet up somewhere else. In effect, host a social event on your own. If you have female friends, ask them to help (they should be thrilled!). Being the host of any social event creates automatic pre-selection. The women will respond to that in a very good way.

Notice that I’ve not mentioned picking up women or the other skills of attraction. The post-divorce man must first get out in public and end his learned introversion. Then, and only then, can he deal with the realities of meeting women and dating. Fortunately, that’s a social skill set that can be learned.

[If you found this post useful, you can directly support my efforts through my Patreon endeavor. Thanks!]

Patreon For Me – Yeah, I Went There

One of the things about going through a seriously life-changing event is the realization of priorities. Despite my medical bullshit, I’ve got some options that the vast majority of middle age guys simply don’t have. Before, I was not keen on pursuing those options. Yes, I made some half-hearted attempts in the past. Yet I always found myself distracted from those attempts because I was still convinced that I needed to be a cube monkey, a wage ape.

Yeah, I did real well with that. #facepalm

So, I’m pursuing other options and crowdfunding is giving me that option. Yes, I’m doing Patreon. The Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) have used Patreon quite effectively but what’s to prevent an ordinary Red Pill blogger like me from using that same resource? Illimitableman is doing much the same and it seems to be working for him.

So I’ve launched a Patreon effort. I’m asking for sponsorship not on a monthly basis but on a per blog post basis. Eventually, I’ll be doing podcasts to provide other options for my readers to receive my material. Monthly subscriptions are fine. I know myself and my history of getting articles published in the old school print media. This is great motivation for me.

There’s a lot to accomplish. I need your help and your incentive. What this means is that any new blog posts will first be through Patreon and then immediately published here. There is no obligation to subscribe to my Patreon. However, such a subscription motivates me highly and there is a rewards package. I won’t stop Tweeting, of course.

My passion really is to help post-divorce singles meet their relationship goals. I’ve been at this for years. I think it’s time that I use the resources of crowdfunding to help me move to the next step. It is not my intent to get rich. I simply want to have the necessary time to truly make the effort to help singles.

When you click on this Patreon link, you’ll get more details. Thanks in advance. My readers are my greatest resource.

A Man’s Adversity Is His Test For Women

As everyone knows, I’m dealing with a serious medical condition that’s ultimately fatal. Very recent changes to my health status have made things even more challenging. When I get the results from some medical tests, I’ll share here.

When I tell the women in my life about all this, I get some interesting responses. Most women simply don’t want hear my bad news. This doesn’t suprise me and nor does it bother me. As I have learned about human behavior I have also learned that women are mostly selfish. They want life to be about themselves. It’s a solipsistic point of view. A man facing serious stuff is a boat anchor on their lives.

Again, this doesn’t bother me. It’s my job to deal with the adversities that face me. But I’ve found it very illuminating regarding how the women in my life react to what I’m going through. The few who really care are incredibly sympathetic and supportive, even it’s beyond their comfort zone. These women really do care and it’s comforting to me. The rest… eh, they’ve made their motivations clear. Relationship material, they are not, even as friends.

There are two take-aways from my unique experiences:

1. Men should shut the hell up about their adversities when talking to women even if those women claim to be friends. Yes, this is cold and tough advice. However, there is a caveat here. If a man has faced an adversity and overcome it, he can bring it up. He shouldn’t make a huge deal of it. Rather, it should be a subject mentioned in passing.

2. If a woman is not emotionally invested in you, she will not care about your adversities unless you’ve overcome those adversities. She only wants to be entertained by you or that you are generous with her. Without that emotional investment, she will completely eschew your travails because, fundamentally, it’s all about her, solipsism 101.

As I’m over a certain age, I have gained insight into women also of a certain age. Many times I’ve read about the complaints from single women regarding men – “All they [men] want is simply a nurse or a purse”. That’s honest and understandable. On the flip side, men simply want youth and beauty, regardless of the men’s age or health. But he must have something to offer just as the women must have something to offer.

Suggestion Box – A Request To My Readers

I’ll make this brief. Since I started blogging back in 2011, I have never reached out to my readers and commenters to ask them what they wanted. That was egotistical of me. So, to rectify that situation, I ask my readers and commenters what they want from my blog. To wit:

  • Do you find what I write useful?
  • What editorial changes do you want to see in my blog?
  • What other subjects to you want me to cover?
  • What page layout changes to you want to see? (that includes graphics)
  • Any other input you want to offer?

I’ll be reading every comment and approved commenters will have their comments published automatically. If a regular commenter has a suggestion that he/she doesn’t want published publicly, reach out to me via email.

I’m well aware of the concept of the vocal minority. This means that the vast majority of my readers don’t typically comment. This is a chance for those readers to make their voices heard.

I really do appreciate the input and, as always, very grateful for my readers. I’m especially grateful for my commenters.

Thanks in advance!

The War Between The Sexes

I’ve heard this expression often over the past couple of decades. This is the concept that men and women are involved in some type of conflict over ideology, politics, and interpersonal relationships. There is a lot truth to that. As is patently obvious, men and women are different. Such differences result in conflicts.

Yet, men and women want and need each other. Politics and ideology must be dismissed when it comes to interpersonal relationships ‘twixt the sexes. Such a dismissal would reduce the war between the sexes to something more manageable. Ideology and politics have no business in personal relationships. Social justice warriors (SJWs) keep on trying to insert ideology into personal relationships. That’s a huge source of conflict between the sexes.

I have huge pity for the younger generation that must deal with current ideological expectations vis a vis interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex. It has become very polarized but not one sex against the other. Rather, the sexes – male and female – are divided into separate camps, two groups of men, two groups of women. And such polarization is not age-dependent.

It works something like this… the two groups of men consist of those with confidence and charisma (learned or natural) and those without. One group is noticed by women, the other group is ignored by women. There are ways for women to actually notice those invisible men. But frankly, it’s up to men to be noticed. It can be learned and it can be accomplished. Here’s a good start: www.succeedsocially.com. Being invisible to women is what the majority of men must cope with.

As for women, the two camps are divided as well. One group of women wants to be “strong and independent”, in effect, more masculine. The other camp, the much smaller one, is all about being being feminine. It’s easy to observe the first camp of women, especially from online dating profiles. They describes themselves with masculine words. They also highlight their travels and other achievements that don’t raise her attractiveness to high value men. The feminine women are noticed by men.

Men looking to be more noticeable to women have to watch out for the vicious cycle of lies and misinformation.  This cycle has resulted in something of an psychological arms race where women up their masculinity because they believe (through projection) that men are attracted to masculine women. Guys have to then increase their masculinity even more.

This is an untenable cultural situation. Google up some Maureen Dowd to see how this end game plays out. No one is content except the top-flight Alpha guys who can play the field with a huge age range of women. The high achieving women – in a man’s world – limit more and more of their relationship options as they move up the capitalistic and educational food chain. My dating coach peer, Evan Marc Katz, deals with this constantly. . Another peer, Bobbi Palmer, also copes with this same problem.  Both of these dating coaches have all-female clients: high achieving single women looking to meet their relationship goals.

For guys, the takeaway is this: When doing online dating always look for more feminine profiles. Eschew profiles that use the code-words of bossy and domineering women.  For real life, pay attention to women who make an effort to appear feminine. They may not have perfect figures or faces, but femininity is profoundly alluring and such women almost demand your attention, even if a simple “hello” along with some honest eye contact.

For women, the advice is simple and blunt: Men are not attracted to masculine women. You dames know what to do.

The war between the sexes can easily be reduced to a minor skirmish.

A Most Amazing Comment

[Not too long ago I published one of my blog’s early posts about what men want from women. One of my lurking female readers made an incredible comment that I’m publishing, with her permission, below. I’m not adding any commentary because the comment’s value stands by itself. It’s a very personal comment and I’m tremendously thankful for her input into my blog.

Oh, and she thinks I’m cute.]

I relish this blog. I read the posts and reader comments that truthfully make me wince, but, provide perspective on a topic that is personally relevant for a couple reasons.

The first, is relevance with regards to my future. I am a 46 year old woman who has been married and has grown children. Frankly, I did not manage my marital relationship well as a young woman who married a man who was 30 when I was 19. He treated me well, was an excellent provider and good father. 10 years into the marriage, at 29, I was guilty of having many of the traits echoed within the words I read, here. Despite having recognized it, the damage had been done. Today, I am willing to accept that I will likely never marry, again. Since I am of the opinion that marriage is the domain for establishing a family and home, marrying at this stage in my life or beyond wouldn’t serve any social purpose. Perhaps, it would be offered as a gesture of some other kind, but, even if it were, I would need to consider carefully.

I don’t believe I was fit to marry when I did with what I knew. The role model I had was a woman who embraced the values of pop culture circa 1969-1979. I was a latch-key kid. My mother was the epitome of the disasters of feminism. To an extent, I was a casualty of her example. At some point, information became available and if I was given sufficient intelligence to evaluate this information, then it was my responsibility to determine what I would do with it.
Truth is often not palatable. It is easy enough to rationalize oneself all around it without ever aligning to it. The problem of course is that a person unaligned with the truth is by definition off point. The truth is a straight line that doesn’t deviate. It serves as the ultimate measure of oneself. No wonder it’s not often a welcome visitor.

In any event, by failing in marriage I failed as a mother. That’s simply the truth. My children suffered as a result of my not being competent for marriage and raising a family within it. I cannot go back in time and apply the information I have, today, to what was already done. However, what I can do is raise my voice and tell my daughters what they must know if they expect to successfully marry and raise children of their own. This is an example of some of what I have actually instructed to my daughters:

1. Have and show respect for yourself and for others. Don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, indulging what is in fact petty and unimportant. Feelings are not facts. Emotions are fluid. They change sometimes for reasons that are unrelated to whatever it is you have assigned them to. Therefore, check yourself before demanding anyone spend time addressing your emotional states. You’re confused when emotional and will only confuse the other person. Get clear on managing your feelings before attempting to introduce facts. Remember, feelings are not facts. Your feeling bad does not make it fact that what you have bad feelings about is bad.
It may or may not be. Feelings are useful as instruments to guide your initial sense of direction towards that discovery but they are only as useful as they are correctly understood.

2. If you want to have a happy marriage to a man you find desireable, you cannot expect from him what you should be finding in your relationships with other women. Your husband is not your best girl friend. If he is, you can expect that eventually the marriage will fail because one day you will think you married someone you no longer desire. This will be your fault. You married a man and then expected him to perform as a woman. What did you expect would happen once the man you once desired for being masculine was emasculated by your demands from him to be more like a woman? Don’t go to the hardware store to buy bread. Whatever it is that is satisfied by your friendships with women needs to remain there. Not in your marriage. Similarly, don’t expect to fulfill the role of being a man’s best buddy. Men need to have relationships with other men and you don’t need to like or understand them. You do need to honor and respect those that are made.

3. Sex is not a weapon. It is not a bargaining device. Sex is not owned by you once you marry because you can refuse it. You better get this straight in your head: during marriage, sex is a mutually owned venture. It feeds the engine of your marriage. If you intend on staying married to a man you desire and who wants to remain married to you, you will be generous when feeding the marriage. Sex is the gift of renewal to a married man. It tells him he is on track. He’s man enough for the job. He can slay tigers and conquer enemies. Refuse a man this and you can expect him to eventually leave where he isn’t appreciated.

4. Men and women desire one another for their differences. Men, generally, are attracted to women because of their femininity. Being feminine is neither a weakness nor a tool for manipulation. To be feminine, simply, is to embrace those unique qualities inherent to being female: soft, relationship conscious, loving & alluring. This isn’t to suggest that men are not loving, alluring, etc.. It is to emphasize that men do not desire (generally, and this is speaking to heterosexual men) what is considered masculine, such as physical strength, competetiveness, solution oriented and territorial. It is counter-productive to compete with a man you are in a committed relationship with. Men compete to win. That means a man is wired to crush his opponent. Avoid being your partner’s opponent.

5. Emotional blackmail, like desperation, is not a good look on anyone. Check your motives. Check your words and behavior. Have integrity. Sometimes, women may resort to verbal weapons because this is perceived as a substitute strength. Most women would be at a physical disadvantage if they managed their disputes with men via fist fights. Men, in general, are simply physically larger and stronger. However, consider this: if the relationship requires your employing weapons to manage it, you may be failing your relationship by being the creator of discord that was avoidable. Just think about it when you find yourself sabotaging your relationship with your words.

Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? What’s actually important?

I appreciate the forum and thank you for the opportunity to contribute an additional voice.

 

 

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