The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

Author Archive

Guys, Prioritize Your Efforts On Yourself

In my ongoing research efforts to find good information about attraction and dating for the post-divorce crowd, I often turn to Reddit, a vast collection of news stories and subsequent comments. In particular, this subreddit, The Red Pill, contains hundreds upon hundreds of discussion where guys are brutally honest about attraction, dating, and masculine self-improvement. This part of the Internet is not for the faint of heart. It is also quite public. Anyone can read what is being said, regardless of membership status.

Because of the strong feelings and very direct words, this subreddit – with over 130,000 members – receives some very direct criticism and there have been calls to shut it down. This means that essential truths are being presented and discussed and such truths are so uncomfortable there are calls for censorship. This fundamentally means that this subreddit is a go-to place to read what men are saying honestly to each other, particularly about women, dating, and relationships.

A recent topic discussion raised an important issue of how a man must prioritize his efforts at “fixing” things. The white knight (profanity-laced page, cool!) instinct is strong in men and when confronted with an issue faced by a woman (or women), a man is sorely tempted to attempt to fix the problem. This includes attraction and dating issues. The very solid subreddit post, by PemBayliss directly and cogently addresses this very issue. I’m highlighting some of the more relevant text but readers can view the entire post by clicking the link just above. My own comments are in boldface.

Women have problems with dating and sex. And they are tough problems.

But they’re not your problems.

Let me explain.

Take your average woman. She’s a 6 in attractiveness — attractive enough to get a male 7 as a boyfriend. She’s also attractive enough to get male 9s and the occasional 10 for sex, but getting commitment from one of them is never going to happen. Come on guys, you know these women. You know 25 of them in real life and you go to school or work with at least 10 of them.

She’s got a tough row to hoe, a needle that is very, very difficult to thread. She has to find a man she’s attracted to and who is dominant and confident, able and willing to support her and sire/father her children. She has to find a man whose clothes she wants to rip off and whose cock she wants to suck twice a day; but who she’s also willing to pad around an apartment with in her fuzzy slippers and sweats. She has to find a man she really, really wants sex with; but the catch is that the man also has to be one who really, really wants to keep her long term.

Her prime problem is that almost all the time, she can find men who fit one bill or the other, but not both. Most of the men she can find are either (1) hot but don’t want to stick around after they fuck her a few times; or (2) want to be her boyfriend and will offer a relationship; but she doesn’t want to fuck them at all because it would be like fucking her brother or her bestie.

She’s in a tough spot.

But… and pay attention here. All that is not your problem.

The author has summarized a woman’s attraction and dating dilemma quite nicely. This dilemma is sometimes played out in the rather cynical game of Fuck, Marry, Kill where girls get together to rate men. It’s extremely important to understand that there is a separate category for sex and another for marriage. This is the woman’s dilemma stated succinctly through a parlor game. This dilemma is exacerbated by a dual message that women, especially young women, receive from social expectations. Have sex with the bad boys, marry a stable provider. It’s more tersely and severely explained in the four words, “alpha fucks, beta bucks”. Sheryl Sandberg in her book “Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead” even admits it:

“When looking for a life partner, my advice to women is date all of them: the bad boys, the cool boys, the commitment-phobic boys, the crazy boys. But do not marry them. The things that make the bad boys sexy do not make them good husbands. When it comes time to settle down, find someone who wants an equal partner. Someone who thinks women should be smart, opinionated and ambitious. Someone who values fairness and expects or, even better, wants to do his share in the home. These men exist and, trust me, over time, nothing is sexier.”

Here we have a successful executive exhorting the dating dilemma at full volume. She’s telling young women to sow their wild oats sexually, just as young men are biologically driven to do. But Sandberg is completely blind to the biological realities that men and women are different. A woman’s biological motives are very, very different than a man’s biological motives. To make the dilemma worse for younger women, consider this Twitter hashtag that is percolating through the Twitterverse: #nohymennodiamond.

This only describes the nature of the woman’s dating dilemma. The other part of social expectations, as well as an element of biology, is how men are expected to respond to their dating dilemma. We men supposed to help in some way. The subreddit author presents this well:

Society and the culture tells you it is your problem. You have to offer yourself up to be her Boyfriend, because that’s how you’re going to get sex. Society tells you this is your problem because our hypothetical girl is Not Happy, and it is men’s job to Make Her Happy. What’s more, you’re told that if you Make Her Happy then She Will Make You Happy (“happy” being you will get your dick wet).

Well, no. No, being a Boyfriend will not Make Her Happy. You undertaking herculean effort to satisfy her will just make her less happy. Your beta boyfriends don’t enrapture her with joy; you just piss her off.

Stop trying to solve your dating/sexual problems by taking on and trying to solve HER problems. Her problems are not your problem to solve.

This is crucial for men. The white knight instinct must be completely stifled. In effect, a guy shouldn’t be a schmuck.

Men, YOUR dating/sexual problems will be well on the way to being solved when you focus on yourselves, your wants, needs, hopes, dreams and desires. Your dating/sexual problem is that you are not awesome and your lives aren’t what you want them to be. You’re overweight, you don’t eat well, and you don’t take care of yourself. You don’t exercise, you don’t take care of your body and you don’t dress well. You don’t look and feel your best. You don’t like your job or you’re not all that good at your job. You don’t have anything in your life you really enjoy being or doing, just for you.

You don’t need to be nicer. You need to hit the gym. You don’t need a girlfriend; you need more men around you to sharpen and hone you. You don’t need to spend time figuring out how to be what she wants; you need to spend more time deciding who you are. You don’t need to spend money on her; you need to get some better clothes and a haircut.

Her problems are not YOUR problems. Let her figure out that Chad’s not coming back. Let her figure out how to get commitment from a suitable man. YOU need to figure out how to be the most awesome man you can be. When you are, then you’ll be the one who decides on commitment or not; you’ll decide how and when and where your resources are best allotted.

But the thing is, it’s not my problem to solve [her dating problems]. And it isn’t yours either. Identify it. Mull it over, empathize if you want. But don’t try to fix it, solve it, resolve it, change it, alleviate it, or wish it weren’t so. Just don’t. Because you can’t alleviate it one bit. You cannot change it. Wishing it away is totally ineffective. The ONLY thing you can do is to get better yourself.

Here’s a great irony to all this. If a man does help a woman with her dating dilemma, he’s helping her to be more attractive to other men rather than working on his own attractiveness. So, the schmuck helps some dame have a higher sexual/relationship market value and along comes Chad Thundercock to sweep her off her feet. Or, sweep her onto her knees. No, the man must work on himself first and work on himself for only himself, not to impress some mythical, unicorn of a woman.

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Lurkers Of The World, Unite! (Again)

It’s been three years since I asked for my blog’s lurkers to “out” themselves here in this digital auditorium. So, I’m doing it again. Because this blog has been around for awhile, I strongly suspect that many of the readers since my last call-out of lurkers have moved on and a new group has moved in.

I want you lurkers to identify yourselves. You don’t have to say anything except the following:

1. Age
2. Gender
3. Location
4. How you found my blog

If you want to give compliments to my blog, I won’t say no. If you have suggestions, speak up. If you think I’m just an old windbag, get off my lawn. If you’re a hater, your comment won’t make it through moderation.

I’ll leave this post up for a few days so folks have a chance to comment. I also hope to respond to each comment.

You regulars, stay out of this. This is between me and my lurkers.

[If you lurkers want to donate or support me, the Donate button is on every page and it’s easy to get to my Patreon page]

300 Red Pill Relationship Proverbs


This incredible and extremely lengthy blog post originated in a motorcycle forum where I am an active participant in a particular conversation thread on that forum.

The thread (available to members only) covers Red Pill issues mostly concerning relationships, of all types, with women. The participants there are mostly over 40, many over 50. As it’s a motorcycle website, the vast majority of readers and participants are men.

The original author went to Red Pill and Manosphere websites to learn, to be introspective regarding those lessons, and to apply the wisdom gained to his own life and, in particular, his marriage. Publishing this list does mean every item is approved or even accepted. As well, some of the items are works from other blogs that the author quoted but did not give a proper citation. If any of content is under copyright, please contact this blog so that proper citations can be made or necessary content removed.

This blog only rarely covers issues of long-term relationships with this particular blog post being the only one to directly address marriage. The list is a type of manifesto written by a man leaving an unhappy marriage. His frustration and anger is obvious, necessary, natural, and healthy for the emotional healing that he must experience so he may move on with the rest of his life.

The original author experienced 18 painful years of an unhappy marriage. He obviously assembled this list to share with other men, regardless of their relationship status. The items in the list of 300 are full of amazing insights gleaned by reading Red Pill websites and also the Bible. The author of the list has a strong Christian faith and it’s expressed sometimes through quotes from scripture.

There has been almost no editing except some spelling mistakes of the actual list of these Red Pill proverbs. There has been a bit of formatting changes – mostly line breaks – to make it more readable. The author’s introduction has been edited slightly. This is the first publicly available source for the list.

It has been copied and pasted with the author’s permission.

– Editor, The Private Man Blog

Author’s Introduction

I have been struggling with a bad marriage pretty much since I got married 18 years ago. The [original] thread really opened my eyes to what was going on and why. Since finding that thread I have been doing a lot of reading, studying, and changing my life… for the better. In studying, I did as any good student would do. I kept notes. The following are pieces of advice that I collected for well over a year. Some of it is from here on this site. Some of it is from TRP [The Red Pill] blogs. Some of it is from other places. As always take what works for you and leave the rest.

When I started I had no intention of doing anything with this collection other than reading it to draw strength and guidance from when needed. Because of that, I did not record who made the statement. There are some very wise people here who have learned their lessons the hard way. I want to thank you for being willing to share your experiences and advice.

I also would very much appreciate if this thread stayed on point and others contributed their advice and thoughts as well. I like that we share a passion for motorcycles which brought us here, but also that we share a passion for making our relationships and lives the best we can.

The Red Pill Proverbs

1. The Bible book of Proverbs says:

“It is better to live alone in an attic than in a big house with a contentious woman.”

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Sure, there are going to be some rough moments when you need to do more than your share to help your partner, but those are endurable because it’s mostly good, and the partner will return the favor when you need it because you’re a team.

2. Had a similar situation to the OP. Hung on for 13 years after the kid was born, and it was sheer misery. I, too, was the second husband.

One day I just decided I had enough, and told her to get out. Yeah, it cost a bundle, but it was worth it. Recently found out the “new, exciting man in her life” just dumped her as well.

Bottom line: some women are bound and determined to be and make things miserable. If you have one like that, the first thing you have to do is admit it, then ditch the bitch pronto.

BTW, what happened to her first husband ? Dollars to donuts she treated him the same way.

3. Some women pick fights for sport….OK, lots of women pick fights for sport. You don’t have to play.

4. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else.

5. My dad, on the day of my wedding, offered me this advice. It’s the only advice he’s ever offered me about women beyond “don’t marry an ugly one and don’t marry a dumb one, but above all, don’t marry an ugly, dumb one.”

“Son, you’re going to have kids and jobs and commitments and a ton of other things that are going to try and pull you apart. Every 3 or 4 months, no matter what, you guys should get away for a weekend. No phones, no computers, nothing – just you two.”

So we’ve been doing that. Sometimes, it’s us at a 4 star hotel. Sometimes, it’s us in a state park camping. But it’s always different and it’s always just us. No friends, no buddies, no phones, no nothing but two people sitting around shooting the shit.

It’s the most valuable bit of advice I’ve ever received from anyone.

6. Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

7. You are not selfish for deciding to cut someone off. There comes a point when it is time to stop being unfair to yourself.

8. Toxic

9. The relationship has run its course.

10. The marriage is over. The divorce is a business deal. Protect yourself. Those that “try to do the right thing” end up getting hosed in the divorce.

11. Cheaters are repeaters

12. End the relationship if your partner has no compassion for your pain, justifies the betrayal, minimizes the significance of the infidelity or if she continues to lie or deceive you.

13. Determine what you need in order to feel confident that your spouse has not only ended the illicit relationship, but is actively working to rebuild the relationship with you. Then ask for it. If the cheater is not willing to give that to you, they don’t value the marriage enough to repair the damage.

14. Adultery is something that happened to you. It does not define you.

15. If there is not honest communication about other issues, there is not likely to be honest communication about honesty in talking about the affairs.

16. Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.

17. No, you don’t “get along”. You simply acquiesce to her demands. That’s not getting along, that’s surrender.

18. It is ok to bail. It is ok to seek fulfillment. It is ok to find yourself and be yourself.

19. Do not fall in love with someone’s potential. Don’t fall in love with who you hope they will become, or because you see what a wonderful person they really are, even if they don’t believe it themselves. Do not hope they will change. Accept your partner for who they are right here and now or bail out.

20. Just because you love someone does not mean you are meant to be together.

21. Everyone I know who walked away without fighting has a happy life. All those who fought lived miserable for years. Lawyers are $200 an hour. Your shit ain’t worth fighting for.

22. Sometimes burning bridges isn’t a bad thing. It prevents you from going back to a place you should never have been in the first place.

23. A leopard does not change its spots.

24. Don’t shake the whore tree and expect a housewife to fall out.

25. Scorched earth policy when you are ready to divorce. Close ALL accounts in both your names. Get her off checking, savings, lines of credit, inform payroll so she can’t make any changes there either. Call credit card companies to inform them I will not be liable for any further charges.

26. Change all passwords from email to photobucket and everything in between.

27. Get a signed receipt from her for any money you give her. Keep all records of all money.

28. Don’t tolerate the lies, the ups and downs, the overall misery. Your sanity and happiness is worth more than that.

29. People don’t change. What you see is what you got.

30. Nothing sucks more than being alone INSIDE a relationship.

31. Lots of people control their mates or try to maintain power in a relationship by making the other party feel inadequate in some way. Don’t buy it.

32. There is only one reason why a woman accuses you of adultery without any actual evidence…guilt. If your woman accuses you of sleeping with someone else, it is because she’s been cheating on you and now she’s seeing evidence of her own behavior in everything you do.

33. The sooner you ditch your old baggage, the sooner you can realize your dreams.

34. A wise woman builds her home; but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1

35. Secure people do not have a need to belittle anyone, especially those closest to them. They do not feel the need to dominate, and let other people know how stupid they are in comparison to themselves. Instead, they reaffirm with love, kindness, complimentary language and will build those around them up rather than tear them down.

36. Don’t tolerate the lies, the ups and downs, and the overall misery. Your sanity and happiness is worth much more. You have to take care of you. Absolutely have too.

37. Use a paralegal or a mediator to file the divorce. Can be done under $1,000.

38. Love is worth fighting for, but you can’t be the only one fighting for it.

39. Love doesn’t hurt. Lying, cheating, and screwing with people’s emotions hurts.

40. Once upon a time I was falling in love. Now I’m just falling apart.

41. Sociopaths have lifelong patterns of deceitfulness for personal gain. They lack remorse and empathy and are wizards at rationalizing away how they hurt and mistreat others.

42. People with a loser mentality have an uncanny ability to turn things around so that they are the victim.

43. In the loser mentality, fear, manipulation, dirty tricks, etc. always trump self belief or self-trust.

44. People with a loser mentality say and do things to please or avoid trouble

45. People with a loser mentality hide who they really are . You always get the feeling “hmm… something isn’t right here!?!” (and you are right).

46. Good communication is the glue that holds a relationship together. Without communication there really is no relationship.

47. A real woman is secure and confident with herself, her femininity, and her place as a woman. No head games are necessary.

48. A rebound relationship is one that has the following:

*a person uses a new relationship to mend a broken heart

*a person becomes involved to prove to they are worthy of love and affection

*a person uses the new relationship to prove to the ex they have moved on

49. If she still talks fondly of her ex in present tense, you are being played.

50. How can you tell your partner is selfish?

* Talks only about themselves, what she likes, needs, and wants from the relationship. Your needs and desires don’t matter.

*Only relates to how things affect her personally and can’t relate to how life is interconnected.

*Doesn’t consider how her actions impact others or you.

*Wants you to listen, give emotional support and even worry about her, but never takes time to listen to how you feel.

*Only gives when she expects something in return and more often than not expects something more than she gave.

*Has an entitlement mentality

*Is quick to say “NO” when asked to give in any way. Always has a reason as to why they won’t give and it has to do with someone else’s fault.

*Unable to fulfill promises or commitments

*Thinks it is ok to manipulate and exploit others to achieve one’s own ends.

*She lacks empathy and makes no apologies for it.

51. The first step to freedom for yourself is to eliminate all the “Why” questions from your life. It happened or is happening.

The second step is to decline the invitation to her drama. Step aside and choose the life YOU want because she does not want a life WITH you.

52. I am afraid the time required for her to come out of her stupidity and pride exceeds your lifespan. Move on.

53. One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.

But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend?

Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.”

54. Women are like monkeys. They won’t let go of one tree branch until they have hold of another. Always cheating and always on the lookout for your replacement.

55. No matter how gorgeous or alluring the girl is, you have to call it quits when a red flag goes up. As soon as it goes up.

56. Red flags

1. Chronic lateness. She is saying with her actions that she is not into the activity you are sharing.

2. Rudeness to waiters or anyone else in a service type job.

3. Scary divorce or break up stories. If the ex is the villain they aren’t emotionally grounded

4. A deep attachment to disturbing pets. If the pet comes first or is able to successfully interrupt that is a red flag.

5. When a woman tells you all her relationships end after a few months.

6. Demon children. Lack of discipline with the kids.

7. Money. if the woman expects to have a sugar daddy, someone to provide them a particular lifestyle instead of contributing to their own lifestyle or supporting it on their own.

8. Powerful emotions about her parents. Positive or negative. She has to please her parents and that means if parents don’t like you, you are gone. Daddy issues fall in this category too.

9. Bad sex. It will only get worse.

10. A slob. It only gets worse.

11. As she talks you pick up on a low hum of anger.

57. While most women are proficient in the art of manipulation, some of them have mastered the subtle intricacies of the art. Beware of such a woman. If you are with one, dump her and reclaim your life.

58. Emotional manipulators take no responsibility for their actions because everything that they do gets twisted into what others have done to them. You can recognize an emotional manipulator when they try to establish intimacy with you by sharing things that make you feel sorry for them. (ie. playing the damsel in distress)

59. Eight reasons to move on

1. Only staying together for religious reasons

2. Your needs aren’t being met emotionally, sexually, or intellectually

3.You have lost respect for your partner

4.Your partner’s behavior is difficult or dangerous (drinking, gambling, drugs, running up debt)

5. No longer sexually attracted

6. You have a hard time forgiving. (You need to examine why you are having a hard time forgiving. It may be that you shouldn’t forgive them.)

7. You no longer have fun together.

8. Long term goals no longer match.

60. Five signs you are ready to start dating again

1. When you hear good or bad news you don’t immediately think of calling your ex

2. You are ok with being single

3. You have stability in your life

4. The thought of going on a date makes you feel hopeful and not fearful

5. You’re not concerned with who your ex might be dating.

61. Your time is limited. Don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

62. Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions.

63. For “emptiness” is really just another word for “freedom” and “opportunity”. An empty glass can be filled with anything. – The idea here is to not be afraid of emptiness or the emotional emptiness of a divorce. It means that the cup of my life is ready to be filled with something better.

64. There are three categories of lies.

There are white lies. Lies about birthday gifting, Santa Claus, telling someone they look great, etc. These are no big deal.

Then there is the second category. Some people may accidentally tell a stupid lie for some stupid thing for no real reason and with no real consequence. This is a warning sign. A red flag.

Then there is the third category of lies. People who lie about where they’ve been, who they’ve been with and what they’ve been doing. Lies about money, lies about addictions, etc. These are deal breakers. They are direct evidence of a low-class, low quality person who will destroy you in a romantic relationship, guaranteed.

65. Where there is deception, there is no relationship.

66. Never push a loyal person to the point they no longer give a damn.

67. Nice guys finish last. Women respond to the asshole. They go for the bad boy. Be that guy and you will be drowning in women. It just won’t be the kind of women you want to be with the rest of your life. (There is a difference between a strong leader and an asshole. Most women don’t understand that though)

68. Don’t trust intensity and passion. Those things lead many good people down bad roads. They lead to quick marriages which don’t last or quick kids which they aren’t prepared to take care of as a couple. Relationships need passion, but it needs to be a low, slow burn instead of a roaring fire. A refreshing rain, not a tempestuous storm.

Roaring fires will blind you to things you would otherwise see.

69. Sometimes, one needs to make the decision to let go rather than to endlessly attempt to solve an intractable problem.

70. You know what every married guy says is the key to a happy marriage, “yes dear”. This means you can have a happy life as long as you give that soul-less demon known as a woman whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. If you don’t, she will go behind your back and get it from some other chump, if she is hot enough. Guys know this, that is why when they get laid off or fired and don’t have any money, they will eventually lose the wife too. Women stick just as long as they get what they want, or maybe five minutes longer. Then they start weighing their options. 80 percent or more divorces are initiated by women, fact. (I have also seen the number 65% a lot. Either way, women initiate divorce way more than men do)

71. When you love and care for someone you have a desire to please them. When things start to fall apart in a relationship, appreciation is one of the first things to go, and doing things to please the other goes out the window. That’s a giant warning sign.

72. Men and women are not equal. They are complementary.

73. Rejection beats regret… every time!

74. 90 some percent of women work it the same way a dealer does, gets you hooked on a free sample, once they are your supplier they raise the price until they have everything. Hey, don’t sweat it, Goodwill always has nice stuff available. Once a co-dependent, which is just a nice word for parasite, kills the host, they always move on.

75. You are doing the right things, except picking the wrong women. In a relationship you should always be more focused on the other persons needs than your own, women aren’t there yet, someday maybe? There are a few, wait for one.

76. Truth ain’t really so hard to swallow, unless you are a liar in the first place.

77. If I give, give, give, and she gives, gives, gives, we both should be getting everything we want. There is no room or reason for “take”. Take ruins it.

This is how I’ve been handling LTR’s. Except, it’s me giving, her taking, and then waiting and staring at me with this “come on, I need more, gimme more!” look on her face.

78. Run like hell once you know there is no future, don’t look back or get sentimental, it is a trap.

79. Look around. Do you know any great couples?

From what I’ve observed, it’s the man who leads in those great relationships. He may not make the most money, and I’m not talking about an overbearing asshole.

But in the solid, happy couples I know, they are not lead by the woman. (I’ve seen those too……no thanks)

You’ve been asking your girlfriends what they want…what should I do? And you’ve tried to give as they’ve said. How did that work?

Time to change that. Ask a man in a successful relationship what he does. Do as he does, not as she does.

80. Men need to lead a relationship. We’re bombarded by how we are equal…but even most women prefer a man to be the lead. It’s biological.

How equipped are you to lead? To lead the kind of woman you hope to attract? When she appears, are you ready?
A good woman will follow a good lead….and compliment her man.

81. Here’s what you have to keep in mind: society does not teach nor reward women to give. It’s all about what you can do for them. It’s very rarely about what they can do for you. You are like a trailer hitch for her. She added you to her life so you could tow around her laziness and baggage. That’s reality. Don’t lie to yourself and say everything’s going to be ok and the next woman will be better. The odds overwhelmingly say otherwise. If you give of yourself, give of yourself and give of yourself, you’ll eventually get pretty sick of doing all the giving and none of the getting. Men are nothing but pack animals to many women today. I didn’t say “all”, nor did I say “most” but, the ones that aren’t that way, are probably in relationships. That means that what remains will overwhelmingly be the ones interested in hitching you to the plow of their life. Ignore this at your own peril.

82. I guess I didn’t realize what I was saying with my actions, but I had been telling her for years, “It’s all about YOU. You do what you want, and I pick up the pieces. You completely live for you, and I completely live for you. Why can’t you see this and change your ways?”

It is like hosting a party where I’m the only one cleaning up.

Guess I ignored allllllllll the red flags in hopes that “doing the best thing possible” would actually get me somewhere. It did. Got me walked on, used up, and told straight to my face, “I don’t appreciate you.” It’s one thing to suspect it, but damn, it hit hard hearing it straight from her mouth.

83. Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who is free for the weekend.

84. Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

85. What happens when you don’t set boundaries? You get walked on.

86. Get friendly with the word “NO”. Can you take care of this for me? NO!

87. Don’t be afraid to lose. Men get back up.

88. She talks him into moving into her house. She will slowly get rid of his belongings, take over his income, and he will be trapped and powerless in her web of lies. Move in, but don’t feel like you belong. The sex dries up. Your income supports the household. You have no say in what happens, because… IT’S NOT YOUR HOUSE!!

89. Don’t be Captain Save-a-hoe

90. Insist on 50/50 on all the bills.

91. Don’t let anyone siphon off your dignity.

92. Keep control of your money!!!

93. Women get old, men get distinguished.

94. Happy wife, happy life? Wrong! Happy self = Happy life

95. In a relationship, each person should always be focused on the other person’s needs more than their own.

96. A woman doesn’t want to love out of obligation. She says she does. “If you do this, I will love you”. When in fact, by doing what she says, she is less likely to love.

97. A man’s success has a lot to do with the kind of woman he chooses to have in his life.

98. A cheating tramp is just not worth crying over.

99. What you allow is what will continue.

100. Don’t be a doormat!!

101. It helps if you are a little more picky about the women you establish relationships with in the first place.

102. There is an element of the physical to attraction and it sucks when your partner decides it no longer matters.

103. If you love someone set them free. If they come back, no one else wanted them either. RUN!!

104. Staying the course only makes sense if you are headed in a sensible direction. Because passion and persistence – while most often associated with success are also ingredients of futility.

105. When the wrong people leave your life, the right things start happening.

106. Janet Jackson’s song, “What have you done for me lately?” is a little to true. They demand servitude, then reject you because you did what they asked.

107. I got to chatting with my dad about how I always end up the doormat in relationships and he knew the reason was because “You’re a softy, you try too hard to please your girlfriends and they end up milking it for all it’s worth”. He gave me the advice to stop finding these girls that KNOW they are beautiful. I’ve dated some incredibly hot girls. According to him, the real prize is the hot ones that don’t know they’re hot. Apparently, they take to TRP men a bit easier because they aren’t so egotistical and power-hungry, they’ll let the man run the show and not fight much. I explained to him that now days almost any girl can be considered a “model” with a little makeup and the right hairstyle. Society has put a metric ton of pressure on women in the last 30 years to stay fit, be amazingly beautiful, and always look 21 years old. Essentially, finding that girl who hasn’t discovered she’s beautiful yet, is impractical. What’s a guy to do?

108. Shit Test- (also known as a fitness test) is when a woman will issue an obviously untrue statement (you don’t love me/care for me/think I’m pretty etc), and expect you to prove that you do in fact love/care/think she’s pretty. It is a manipulative ploy for validation.

109. Funny, I studied yacht design and boatbuilding many years ago. One of the designers, L. Francis Herreshoff, was a bit of a philosopher as well, writing in the 20’s and 30’s about simple yacht design. He would explain how it was better to have a simple and plain woman because she would be happy on your simple and plainly built boat, not like a ‘gasketed up floozy’ that would complain incessantly and cost you a fortune keeping up with her make up and beauty products. And besides, her high heels would put dimples in your new wooden deck. LOL. And this was from the 1930’s!!

110. Date, don’t target. I’ve said this before….have a mission. If you find through dating a girl who it really fits, pull her into your life. Don’t be pushed into hers.

The reality, the Red Pill for men is that we must lead. It may seem easier and more comfortable to just go along. It’s not. That’s the illusion. Unplug and set a path for your own life.

111. Game playing never results in a healthy relationship.

112. Girls want to have fun, laugh, and be wanted by a confident guy.

113. Don’t put up with bullshit for pussy. Ever!!

114. Don’t try to be something you think she wants you to be. Just be the most awesome version of yourself. Always.

115. Nice guys finish last.

116. These chicks say no. And you guys are wondering how to turn it around with them. Target fixation always leads to crashes.

It has little to do with any one woman. It’s a numbers game. Nine out of ten women will be a no go, for a million different valid reasons. All good and nothing personal. Let them go. Circumstances and timing dictate most of the outcomes for these nine. The important thing is to just keep whistling and trying, and learning that rejection is no big deal. In fact, it’s a must and builds your confidence if you do it right.

117. Just because someone desires you does not mean they value you.

118. As long as you are married to a poor money manager, you will be poor. Find someone who knows how to manage money. And time.

119. Don’t blame your behavior on someone else. You are 100% responsible for your own actions no matter how you feel or regardless of the situation.

120. So in effect I had been raised in a good and decent home with fine parents who taught me to be a nice guy and a gentleman. However, what was not communicated, mainly because my parents were older, is that being a nice guy in the sense of allowing myself to be manipulated is pretty easy with some girls of today. Since some of them have been sent to a self-esteem camp since they were little and told that they can “have it all” (nobody can have it all) it installs an attitude of narcissism.

Long story short: I got burned one too many times. I still remember the night, the girl, and the bar where it happened. I had the dignity at the time to stand up, put money for my drink (only mine) on the table, quietly say excuse me, don my coat, and to her surprise, I simply walked out the door without a further word. On my way home I thought about what I was doing to be manipulated this way and concluded that the answer was in effect nothing about me, aside from passively allowing it to happen. I was setting the stage to be second place by not acting as if I deserved first. Well, no one should allow themselves to hope to be a consolation prize; that is what makes you a beta orbiter. I vowed from that moment forward to be a gentleman in my doings but to avoid being a pushover. If that wasn’t good enough then I didn’t need it. I saw immediate effects and put them into action. Not just with the opposite sex but generally, it’s almost like you walk taller once you seize your balls back and everybody recognizes it. It’s not about strutting around and preening and being arrogant; it’s just about pride.

121. No one should allow themselves to be a consolation prize.

122. Endeavor to be a gentleman in all things. But remember that a gentleman has standards for his own behavior as well as those with whom he spends his time.

123. Respect your husband. – Notice how it doesn’t say “Respect your husband if he has earned it”. A man’s greatest need in this world is to be respected, and the person he desires that respect from the most is his wife. The trap that we’ve all been ensnared by is that they only deserve our respect when they earn it. Yes, we want our husbands to make decisions that will ultimately garner our respect, but the truth is that your husband is a human being. A human being who makes mistakes. This is the man who YOU have chosen to walk alongside you for the rest of your life, and to lead your family and he needs to be respected for that quality alone. Take it from me – when respect is given even when he doesn’t deserve it, it will motivate him to earn it. That doesn’t mean you pretend that his choices are good ones when they aren’t. Things like that still need to be communicated, but you can flesh out your differences WITH RESPECT. It makes all the difference in the world to him.

Guard your heart. The grass is not greener on the other side. Do not believe the lie that with a slimmer figure, a higher salary, a faster car, or a bigger house, you will be a happier woman. The world is full of things and people who will serve as reminders that you don’t have the best of the best, but it’s simply not true. Live the life you’ve been blessed with, and BE THANKFUL. I get that we all have struggles, and there are even times when I would love 1,000 more square feet of house to live in, but square feet is not fulfilling – relationships are. Guard your heart from things and people who will try to convince you that your life or your husband is not good enough. There will always be bigger, faster, stronger, or shinier – but you’ll never be satisfied with more until you’re fulfilled with what you have now.

God, husband, kids…in that order. I know this isn’t a popular philosophy, especially among mothers, but hear me out. It’s no secret that my faith is of utmost importance, so God comes first in my life no matter what. But regardless of your belief system, your husband should come before your kids. Now unless you’re married to someone who is abusive (in which case, I urge you to seek help beyond what my blog can give you), no man in his right mind would ask you to put your kids aside to serve his every need while neglecting them. That’s not what this means. When you board an airplane, the flight attendants are required to go over emergency preparedness prior to takeoff. When explaining the part about how to operate the oxygen mask, passengers are instructed to first put the mask on themselves before putting it on their small child. Is that because they think you are more important than your kids? Absolutely not. But you cannot effectively help your child if you can’t breathe yourself. The same holds true with marriage and parenting. You cannot effectively parent your children if your marriage is falling apart. Take it from me – I tried. There will also come a time when your kids will leave the house to pursue their dreams as adults. If you have not cultivated a lasting relationship with your spouse, you will have both empty nests and empty hearts.

Forgive. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. If you make forgiveness a habit – for everything from major mistakes to little annoyances (every day, I have to forgive my husband for leaving the wet towel on the bathroom counter ;)) – you will keep resentment from growing.

Over-communicate. I used to have a bad habit of not speaking my feelings. I played the standard “You should know why I’m mad” game, and that’s just downright unfair. Men are not wired like women, and they DON’T always know that they’ve been insensitive. I’m still growing in this area, and there are often times when my husband has to pry something out of me, but I’m trying to remember that I need to just communicate how I feel.

Schedule a regular date night. This one isn’t new, but it’s very important. Never stop dating your spouse. Even if you can’t afford dinner and a movie (which we seldom can), spending some regular one-on-one time with your spouse is essential. Don’t talk about bills, or schedules, or the kids. Frankie and I often daydream about our future, or plan our dream vacation. We connect emotionally and often learn something new about each other – even after four years.

Never say the “D Word”. If you’re gonna say it, you better mean it. Plain and simple, threatening divorce is not fighting fair. I did this a lot in my previous marriages. I’m not proud of it, but I learned better. I was hurting deeply, and I wanted to hurt back, but it never helped me feel better.

Learn his love language. Everyone has a love language. The way you perceive love is often different from the way your spouse perceives love. Does he like words of affirmation, or does he respond better when you give him gifts? Whatever his love language is – learn it and USE IT.

Never talk negatively about him. I learned this lesson the hard way too. If you’re going through a difficult time in your marriage and you need advice, see a counselor. Family counseling is a great tool, but try to remember that your family members and friends are not the most objective people to give advice. The argument they are hearing is one-sided and they often build up negative feelings toward your spouse, which usually doesn’t subside once you and your husband have gotten past it. Protect his image with those that you’re close with and seek help from those that can actually be objective. News flash, ladies – your mother cannot be objective!

Choose to love. There are times in a marriage that you may wake up and not feel in love anymore. Choose to love anyway. There are times when you may not be attracted to your husband anymore. Choose to love anyway. Marriage is a commitment. In sickness and health, in good times and in bad. Those vows are sacred. They don’t say “if you have bad times”. They say “in good times AND in bad”, implying that there WILL be bad times. It’s inevitable. So choose to love anyway. He’s worth it.

124. If a person doesn’t care about their hygiene and their own bodies, why would they care about you and your health.

125. Women with high interest level (IL) won’t confuse you. When a woman wants you she’ll find a way to be with you. If she’s fluctuating between being into you and then not, put her away for a while and spin other plates. If she sorts it out for herself and pursues you, then you are still playing in your frame and you maintain the value of your attention to her. It’s when you patiently while away your time wondering what the magic “formula” is that will bring her around. That’s when you lean over into her frame. You need her more than she needs you and she will dictate the terms of her attentions if you let her.

What most guys think are ‘mixed messages’ or confusing behavior coming from a woman is simply due to their inability (for whatever reason) to make an accurate interpretation of why she’s behaving in such a manner. Usually this boils down to a guy getting so wrapped up in a girl that he’d rather make concessions for her behavior than see it for what it really is. In other words, it’s far easier to call it ‘mixed messages’ or fall back on the old chestnut of how fickle and random women are, when in fact it’s simply a rationale to keep themselves on the hook, so to speak, because they lack any real, viable, options with other women in their lives. A woman that has a high interest level in a guy has no need (and less motivation) to engage in behaviors that would compromise her status with him. Women of all interest levels will test men, and men will pass or fail accordingly, but a test is more easily recognizable when you consider the context in which they’re delivered.

More often than not women tell the complete truth with their actions, they just communicate it in a fashion that men can’t or won’t understand. As a behaviorist, I’m a firm believer in the psychological principle that the only way to determine genuine motivation and/or intent is to observe the behavior of an individual. All one need do is compare behavior and the results of it to correlate intent. A woman will communicate a vast wealth of information and truths to a man if he’s only willing to accept her behavior, not exclusively her words, as the benchmark. He must also understand that the truth she betrays in her behavior is often not what he wants to accept.

126. Something is missing. What’s causing relationships to falter at the rate they are? Something’s definitely lacking. Relationships thrive on communication. Our most intimate emotions are reserved for the person we love, so how is it acceptable never to show them? We’ve accepted so many unacceptable things — sitting at the dinner table with our phones out, arguing over text, publishing every minute of our lives on social media.

Do you know what trumps all that?

Society has accepted relationships in which we are being cheated on everyday.

When you think of cheating in the traditional sense, having sex with another person comes to mind. It’s an intimate situation in which the person you love is connecting with another while you are going about your life, loving and caring for said person.
Once you find out, all trust is lost. But think about the concept for a minute.

Webster’s Dictionary defines cheating as the deprivation of “something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud.” Sure, sex is cheating, and maybe the most hurtful, but have you ever stopped to think that you’re being cheated out of your relationship everyday? Lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy — even lack of love. Why are we OK with this, and all the communication shortcuts that have become so common?
This type of cheating brings damage much greater than that of any sexual affair. You’ve given your heart to someone, you love them with every bone in your body, but yet, you have to beg for their attention. You sit back and watch them post status updates about useless things or post pictures just so people can comment.

127. Just because it is the end of a relationship doesn’t mean it is the end of your life. What you feel is the end of your world is the beginning of an opportunity to find your happiness.

128. If she had any class she would keep her marriage vows. If her children were important to her she would be a positive role model instead of one of manipulation and deceit.

129. Whether you are evaluating a potential life partner or you’re ordering bacon and eggs at Denny’s; what you see is what you get.

130. The more financial independence a woman has, the more it correlates to how unfaithful they will be.

131. Always trust your first gut instincts. If you feel in your heart and soul something is wrong, it usually is.

132. Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

133. Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?
Imagine if your best friend moved in with you, trashed your place, refused to get a job or pay rent, demanded you cook dinner for them, and got angry and yelled at you any time you complained. That friendship would be over faster than Paris Hilton’s acting career.

134. Love does not solve your relationship problems. While love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.

135. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.

But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?

In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.
But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic. A loving relationship is supposed to supplement our individual identity, not damage it or replace it. If we find ourselves in situations where we’re tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior, then that’s essentially what we’re doing: we’re allowing our love to consume us and negate us, and if we’re not careful, it will leave us as a shell of the person we once were.

136. Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love.

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.

But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.

137. The best place in the world is not only in the arms of someone who will hold you at your best, but will also pick you up and hold you tight at your weakest moment.

138. The following is a set of questions for you to consider — and suggestions about how you could find a greater sense of happiness, contentment and peace of mind:

When we focus on what we have, on what we’re grateful or appreciative of in our lives, we’re happier. When we focus on what we don’t have, we’re not. The choice, then, seems obvious: to put our attention on what we have, what we feel gratitude about and what we’re striving for, and to cease focusing on the hurts, the failures and the various bummers that we occasionally experience.
What’s good about your life right now? In which ways are you actually living the dream?

What makes you joyous? Think long and hard on this question. Your answers may not be what you think they are.

How could you add more fun to your life? Could you define what things are fun for you?

What new things might you add to your life that would be interesting and challenging?

Are you doing anything to be self-destructive — or are you sabotaging any of your long-range goals? Are you frittering away too much of your time? If so, what would assist you in changing these behaviors? If you don’t change these dynamics, you will have regrets about this later on.

What gives you a sense of purpose — personally and professionally? Finding purpose in what you’re doing is one of the keys to feeling content with your life. To find a greater sense of purpose, make a list of everything you would like to accomplish or experience before you die, and then create a plan for how to make those goals come true.

What gives you a feeling of thankfulness and gratitude? What people, achievements, experiences, relationships or events are you the most appreciative of or grateful for?”

139. Any relationship, (partner, family, friend) that puts you in a situation of guilt is unhealthy. Chances are it’s the main contributor to your depression. Your family does not live your life. You do. My family gets zero say in my decisions, although I may take their perspective into account. I’ve made it easy for everyone by telling them very little about what’s going on in my life, which means we have pleasant conversations. It’s worth remembering that happiness is directly related to new experiences, being grateful, and having a strong social and support network. Having a sense of place in this world matters a lot.

140. If it is a case of an abusive relationship, you should value yourself enough to get out.

141. There are people who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves.

142. There is no cure for insecurity.

143. People do not belong to each other, they belong with each other. She can only ‘allow or disallow’ you to do things if you give her that power over you. You are not her property to direct, you are her partner.

Where is the love? Where is the “I want you to be the happiest, healthiest you that you can be” committment from your best friend, your life partner? All I see here is her reassuring herself that you love her by your doing what she says you should be doing with your life.

144. Money can’t buy you happiness, but a good lawyer can make her miserable! :)

145. Is there a possibility that your wife is suffering from depression or heaven forbid having an affair? When it seems that she is attempting to start a fight at every step with you… My Ex did that because she was schtuping her boss or co-worker or something… and she was trying to push me away, but make it my fault.

146. One of the common human mistakes is to think that all change will be negative; think of all the things in your life that have changed for the better, all the things that came out right…it just might turn out better than your wildest dreams.

147. Smother Love- She feels you two should want to do EVERYTHING together.

148. The best thing you can do for yourself is date a variety of women. Don’t spend too much time focused on one at a time. We tend to overlook glaring faults in the women that give us what we want…companionship.

149. “There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman.
“It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner’s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.

“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.”

In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”
For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married each June — and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not — the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.
When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.

One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.

Or say a wife is running late to dinner (again), and the husband assumes that she doesn’t value him enough to show up to their date on time after he took the trouble to make a reservation and leave work early so that they could spend a romantic evening together. But it turns out that the wife was running late because she stopped by a store to pick him up a gift for their special night out.
Imagine her joining him for dinner, excited to deliver her gift, only to realize that he’s in a sour mood because he misinterpreted what was motivating her behavior. The ability to interpret your partner’s actions and intentions charitably can soften the sharp edge of conflict.

“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other’s good news. When one person in the relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement, the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or shutting the conversation down with a comment like, “That’s nice.”

We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

In one study from 2006, psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other’s good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.
Let’s say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like “I got into my top choice med school!”

If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: “You wouldn’t believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free t-shirt!”

If her partner responded in a passive constructive way, he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical passive constructive response is saying “That’s great, babe” as he texts his buddy on his phone.

In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news his partner just got: “Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!”

Finally, there’s active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?”

Among the four response styles, active constructive responding is the kindest. While the other response styles are joy-killers, active constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding is a way of “turning toward” your partners bid (sharing the good news) rather than “turning away” from it.

Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart.
In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

150. It’s unfortunate that most women are and/or become GIMME GIMME GIMME’s. Guys like me, and I’d venture to say, most other clueless “nice guys” will give ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to satisfy their women, and be left wondering what happened when she bails because it’s still not enough. This is where I find some peace of mind in TRP

151. Sometimes removing certain people from your life makes room for better people.

152. To thine own self be true. (I have always looked at this quote as a selfish one. Now that I have been used and abused… this quote takes on a whole new meaning)

153. I’d have kicked her to the curb at the first $1000 of debt unless it was for something pretty darned necessary. $50k???? Not happening. If you stay in that situation you deserve what you get. (Advice to a guy who let his girlfriend put him $50,000 in debt.)

154. Dump the harpy now… Get out with your nuts and sanity.

155. Your time is your life. If a woman doesn’t respect your time, she is devaluing your most valuable resource.

156. Your sole purpose for existence isn’t to make a woman’s life easier at your own expense. Do NOT become a slave so that a woman can live a life of luxury.

157. In realistic terms, if you are a high quality man, you have more to offer than any woman has to offer you. You offer good sex. You offer good times. You’re probably not expecting a woman to maintain you. You will over time, spend more on her than she does on you.

158. Most women are excessively self-centered and lack empathy when it comes to their romantic relationships.
This self-centeredness and sense of entitlement is reserved ONLY for the man in her life, no matter how much she claims to “love” him. If a stranger does the smallest kindness for her, she will appreciate it more than the constant kindnesses and sacrifices of her lover. Even if she’s madly in love with him and he’s a dominant man, her mind is poisoned by a sense of entitlement and a lack of empathy. She may desire you. She may be crazy about you. She may even believe she loves you. And at the same time she will feel entitled instead of appreciative of your good deeds.

159. No matter how selfless and how many sacrifices she makes for her kids or for other people, her sense of entitlement is CONTEXT RELATED. Meaning she believes she must make sacrifices for her kids. She also does NOT believe the average person owes her anything. But she DOES believe that men that are interested in her sexually (even if she’s not interested in them) OWE her something. She also believes that a man SHE’S in love with OWES her something. That he’s SUPPOSED to do certain things and this creates an entitlement mentality. She doesn’t perceive it as him doing a kindness for her, but as him giving her something he OWES.

160. Eliminate all the unpleasant things/obstacles in my life – It can even be by starting small: a squeaky clean room and car, make it a point to always look your best, etc. As an Alpha, you have no other choice but to look and feel good. Always.

161. Women are NEVER attracted to WUSSIES.

“Overly nice” = “Wussy”

Remember that.

162. Common female tactics when she is in danger of being held accountable are:

a) Appeal for support

b) Blame the male

c) Cause a scene

D) Deny

163. One more reason she may not be responding to you. She doesn’t feel you are her equal. If she is making all the decisions in the home then she has too much power. If you are just eating, sleeping, and doing the maintenance chores that usually fall to the man, that’s not enough. Does she feel the power of your male presence in the home? (Written by a woman)

164. Deadness in relationships comes of protecting your wounds, instead of pursuing your desires.

165. You’ll never get the truth, ever. Women will only tell you as much as you already know. So don’t hold your breath that whatever she admits to is all there is. If you don’t already know it through clandestine measures, such as voice activated recorder, phone records, keylogger, then she’ll never admit to it. And she’ll only admit that stuff once she knows that you know. Never reveal your source. (This is called “trickle truth” as in the truth slowly trickles out instead of her being candid about her affairs up front)

166. The “Here’s the Deal” conversation. It goes something like this (ask me how I know, I’ve done this-in a calm, cool, collected, not pissed off flying all to shit manner)

Hubby: I will not tolerate living in a marriage with a, b, and c (insert your personal relationship dynamics here)

I am going to be in a marriage with x, y, and z (insert your desired state here)

If you are unable to 100% participate in this marriage with x, y, and z, then I am not going to continue wasting my time and life in this relationship. I will find someone who IS.

Now, either you’re in or you’re out, and it doesn’t make any difference to me which one it is, but I’m not going to tolerate this lame, secret screwing around any longer. If you’re in, then you better start acting like you’re in. And that will necessitate you giving me 100% access to your cell phone, e-mail, facebook, and cutting off ties to whomever you’ve been fucking 100%. If you’re not willing to do that, then get out and NEVER speak to me again. Period. IN or OUT, but not both. Decide NOW or I’m done. Period.
This is how you get your self-respect back and EARN the respect of your spouse. If she balks, then kick that bitch to the curb without hesitation because she’s already done.

THIS is how you take control of YOUR life without being a doormat. DO IT…NOW!!!

167. I had to address attitude with my wife big time, when you feel like you beg for sex then you need to stop and say not worth it.
I am very frank and to the point with my wife, I don’t want to have sex where I feel that I should leave her money on the dresser when I leave.

Its degrading to you as her husband to feel like you are making her walk the last mile when she should want sex with you.
You have to change those dynamics.

168. When your wife revises history (which is a great tool for a woman ) then say, “well I saw it different and I was there too”. Again, no debate.

169. Cheaters always complain about not wanting to be controlled as the reason for the breakup, while forgetting that marriage is all about both parties agreeing to be controlled by your wedding vows, which is all that you are asking her to follow.

170. QUIT the lectures or preaching. It will only be despised or ignored. Speak ONLY of choices and consequences. Let her be an adult. So if she chooses to want her freedom, show her the door…do not hold her back. If she chooses the marriage, then great. Again, you are not her parent. You have responsibilities. She has responsibilities. You have responsibilities to each other.

171. Bad “duty” sex is often a sign of a physical affair.

172. “To Have and to Hold” should not be strictly interpreted to apply ONLY to my paycheck and my wallet.

173. Take your balls back from her….she does not own them.
You are a man….time to act like one.

174. When we first got married we had the “7 day rule”. If we didn’t bring something up within 7 days of it happening then we couldn’t bring it up during an argument. Now I have the “7 minute rule”. I give her about 7 minutes to nag at me about whatever she thinks I did wrong before I go work on something using power tools in the workshop or I start turning up the volume on the tv to drown her out.

175. …once you properly incorporate a Red Pill frame encompassing a positive masculinity into your personal life, once your wife adjusts and you accept your leadership the issue of intimacy solves itself. Sexual intimacy is, of course, the stated goal of the Red Pill husband, but the need for emotional intimacy – the desire to be understood and to gain insight through understanding another – is the unstated bonus feature.

Intimacy is about trust and revelation. Once you work out the RP SOPs in your marriage, and you stop focusing so much on when/how/why you have sex with your wife, something kinda magical happens: once she invests her trust in you and expresses her confidence in you as a leader (and a man worthy of following) your union has the strong potential to grow. Once you can communicate a complex and sophisticated emotional statement in a masculine, positive, but still comprehensible way, without worrying about your wife misunderstanding/misconstruing your emotional stance, it’s amazing just how robust your emotionally intimate life can become.
Good Red Pill marriages are complementary partnerships where the only equality lies in the commitment both have made to protecting and nurturing the equilibrium of the relationship. As feminine emotional responses wax and wain, a RP husband holds steady as a rock and provides stability.

But a good RP wife understands her husbands vulnerabilities and does not try to exploit them as weaknesses because the trust he’s invested in her to protect his secrets she considers an honor and a privilege, not a chore and responsibility. You cannot force a woman to make that leap, she has to feel secure and enthusiastic enough about the health of the relationship to make that promise to herself. And once she has seen her husband’s vulnerability, she must understand that such things add to his depth and strength, not detract from them . . . but only with her nurturing support.
At a meta level RP marriages combine the best elements of idealistic chivalry and the dispensing of feminine caritas to the mutual benefit of the marriage. But like so many dualities, in practice the two are closely intertwined, with the essential element of the one being present in the other.

RP wives grow to feel a responsibility for protecting her husband’s emotional vulnerabilities and giving him the emotional validation he desires in order to feel fully empowered as a man the same way that a good RP husband defends and protects his wife’s life, happiness, and position in society, in addition to providing his emotional support and stability. Once you understand that, and grow to trust your spouse enough, true intimacy begins to flow far more freely between you, without judgement or suspicion.

It’s a more advanced stage of Married Game. It usually only evolves when the issue of Dread is essentially behind you, and both parties have a better understanding of their biologically-determined gender-based roles

176. I believe in trust but verify.
A lot of all this discussion and the battle of the sexes that has never been won in all these years, is trust. It all gets down to whether you can trust or be trusted. Everybody has a certain level of reliability, if you will. A sense of justice. It’s just stronger in some than others. It could also be called character, or wisdom or righteousness. All descriptions of emotional honesty.

177. I’ve found it much easier to just put messed up people out of my life than to have them cause me endless stress, family included. And trust me, I have some messed up family.

178. Never believe what a woman says, believe what she does.

179. Women have Girlfriends and Boyfriends. If you’re not fucking her, you’re her Girlfriend.

180. Quote I saw that describes women well; “Oh, I’m not sexy because I don’t lift? I bet I’m sexy when I lift my wallet to buy all that shit you wanted.”

181. Every time you feel yourself being pulled into someone else’s nonsense repeat these words; “Not my circus, not my monkeys”.

182. What you allow is what will continue.

183. The goal of game for women is quite different than game for men. As all of you are painfully aware, most women don’t need game to have sex. Particularly the cute ones. The goal of female game is to get you on a hook… to have a backup plan in case the one she’s really chasing gets away. Or have someone on her arm on Saturday night until the real one comes along. Or just the satisfaction of knowing you would kill for her. A good female game player can smell a beta orbiter or white knight a mile away and won’t hesitate to take advantage. That explains why she “fell hard and fast” for you.
Some women cannot be alone. They are convinced that they have to have a man around to give their lives meaning, stability, and usually money. It does not occur to them that they could be an independent, self reliant person. Sometimes these women make great wives as they are often happy to let the man take the lead. More often than not it seems these types of women resort instead to manipulating their way into the situation they want to be in. That includes playing a nice guy to make sure she has a fallback plan. I doubt she even realizes how callous her behavior is. Just looking out for number one.

184. When a wife tries to train a man to not want her sexually, she will surely succeed. She will also succeed in training him to want someone else.

185. “We were taught men and women are equals. Obviously that’s not true. We’re sold the idea of equal partnership. Again, lies. We were told by women that women like/appreciate vulnerable, sensitive men. More lies.”

But, you see, according to the feminists and traditionals among us, you were supposed to figure all this out on your own. You are to blame for your own bad outcomes because you didn’t figure out that everyone was lying to you. You were supposed to read books, watch movies, and observe the social dynamics of the top dogs and the hot girls; and from that, you were supposed to figure it out.

You should have figured out what the girls liked. You should have divined it in spite of everyone telling you that what you were seeing wasn’t really what you were seeing.

You should have told your parents, your pastor, your teachers, and everyone else around you that they were full of it, and defied them openly. I know they told you things, but you shouldn’t have listened to them, despite the fact that they told you that they were the ONLY people you should listen to. You should have known they were committing parental and educational malpractice.

So it’s all YOUR fault, young man.

Man up and marry her. And yes, she will prove unable and unwilling to comfort you when the storms of life rain down on you (as they do with every man and in every marriage), without losing attraction for you.

186. There will never be external peace until there is internal peace. Figure out what you are and who you are.

187. Advice from a friend’s father when I was in college, “Women marry the man they want to spend their life with; men marry the woman they don’t want to live without.” My experience is that you should never be in a relationship where something needs to be fixed. Only a few questions need to be answered to identify a keeper then tag and bag ASAP before somebody else gets her:

(1) Does she make you a better, happier person by being in your life?
(2) Do you make her a better, happier person by being in her life?
(3) Do you spend your time trying to make her feel loved and valued, AND does she spend her time trying to make you feel loved and valued? This is the only competition that you should have.

The answer to all three of these questions should be a resounding “YES!”, if not move on quickly. You don’t need to fix her or change for her. There may be nothing wrong with either of you, but that you are wrong for each other.

188. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Keep that in mind, not only with this relationship but everyone.

189. Your current partner is not going to magically change for the better. You need to decide whether you want to live like this for the rest of your relationship and if so just keep doing what you are doing. If you decide you do not want to continue to live like this, then you need to move on ASAP. No getting to it next month, do it now or you are only lying to yourself which isn’t healthy.

190. On a positive note, you’re 38 and your soon to be ex-wife is 50. I don’t care how good looking she is for 50, she’s still 50. 38 for a man is still fairly young. You could easily be dating 30 year olds. You need to get rid of that horrible case of oneitis you have and realize there are many great women out that will treat you well and aren’t on the downhill side to AARP membership.

191. Women caught cheating are good liars and manipulators. They will not divulge any more information than what they think you already know. You have to gather evidence because she won’t confess it all.

192. Who says we can’t be with someone and at the same time do whatever we want?

193. Never stick your dick in crazy.

194. Men and women love differently. Men are idealistic, while women are opportunistic.

195. Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because it is worth it!!!

196. Someone causing you to self-doubt is one of the primary signs they’re an abuser.

197. A good partner balances strength and alpha behavior with gentleness and caring. You can pick up almost any woman with a good dose of alpha behavior. To keep her, you actually have to treat her with dignity, respect, and affection.

Addendum: the type of women I am referring to are the ones with self-respect. Women without it will stick with an asshole forever.

198. (From a conversation about Bipolar Disorder/sociopath) Their compassion for love is fleeting at best. You are an object to her. A source of supply to feed on, and this is why they are often called emotional vampires. She will feed off of you until you become difficult. Then on to the next victim.

Get all your financial and other forms of support lined up and do it discreetly. Last thing you want to do is tip her off. When leaving this type a person, a crystal clear exit strategy is highly needed.

199. Stop falling for the crocodile tears and move on with your life. She doesn’t deserve you or any man with their life together for that matter. You know what you need to do!

200. Like the old joke goes – Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a feminist to fish and she’ll accuse you of patronizing her, tell you she already knew how to fish, and even if she didn’t she could have figured it out without the help of a man.

201. If someone makes you miserable more than they make you happy, it doesn’t matter how much you love them, you need to let them go.


1. You walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting your partner.

2. Your feelings and opinions are rarely validated.

3. Your partner is mistrustful of you for no reason.

4. You feel like you are unable to discuss problems in the relationship.

5. You feel “stuck” or confused most of the time.

203. The sexodus didn’t arrive out of nowhere, and the same pressures that have forced so many millennials out of society exert pressure on their parent’s generation, too. One professional researcher in his late thirties, about whom I have been conversing on this topic for some months, puts it spicily: “For the past, at least, 25 years, I’ve been told to do more and more to keep a woman. But nobody’s told me what they’re doing to keep me.”
“I can tell you as a heterosexual married male in management, who didn’t drop out of society, the message from the chicks is: ‘It’s not just preferable that you should f-off, but imperative. You must pay for everything and make everything work; but you yourself and your preferences and needs can f-off and die.'”.
Uh – yeah… that’ll get a lot of traction with the male side of society….

204. As I always say on these threads: remove gender and pretend it’s another guy approaching you with a business partnership offer. What do they bring to the table compared to you?

205. Sex is 90% of a marriage when it is missing and only 10% when it is there.

206. Withholding sex is a form of abuse.

207. Happiness is a big project when life is a challenge in other areas.

208. Feldhahn, who conducted an extensive eight-year research study on marriage, says that the actual divorce rate has never even gotten close to 50 percent, that churchgoers have significantly lower divorce rates and that most marriages are actually successful.

209. For my marriage, it wasn’t the “seven year itch”, it was more like “the seven year failure to balance a damn checkbook” that ended it.

210. Q: Do you know the one food that when it touches a woman’s mouth it will turn off her desire to have sex for the rest of her life?

A: Wedding cake

211. How do you have marriage in an entitlement society? After “I do”, there is no more “I”.

212. You play the same game over and over expecting a different outcome.

213. You can’t fix stupid also might as well mean: you CAN’T fix crazy!

214. Setting boundaries works better with healthy people in healthy relationships. With crazy people, you are wasting your time.

215. You are right to be considering your options. Living with clinically depressed people increases the chances that you yourself will become depressed. It can also impact your physical health. Living in the constant state of stress that you do can increase your likelihood of developing a bunch of illnesses, including cancers and heart disease. This path is not for the faint of heart.

216. If you cheat on someone who was willing to do anything for you, you actually cheated yourself out of true loyalty.

217. Never forget the 3 types of people in your life:

1. Those who helped you in your difficult times.

2. Those who left you in your difficult times.

3. Those who put you in a difficult time.

218. How frustrating is it to be the only one to see how sneaky and evil someone is while everyone else is blind to it?

219. That any person is “perfect in every way” should be the first clue something is seriously wrong.

220. “A single guy can walk around without explaining it to anyone……Married guys can’t go nowhere. There always has to be a plan, a list of errands, a system, a destination. Alone, your life is intuitive, like poetry. With a woman, it’s a form of bookkeeping.” – Garrison Keillor

221. Women are evil..but they make cookies, so it balances out nicely.

222. Men are jerks, but they lift heavy things and kill spiders.

223. I always felt responsible for her happiness. Took a long time to figure out I wasn’t responsible for making someone else happy all the time.

224. It’s not like sex is some big secret that men spring on wives on their wedding night. Sex is a normal, healthy, reasonable human need.

What you do is in a calm matter of fact monotone manner say, “I am not going to tolerate living in a marriage without intimacy. I’m not going to beg for it, rationalize it, justify it, or defend it. Sex is a normal and healthy part of marriage and is a reasonable expectation of a spouse. I will not accept living my life being denied that basic human need. Period. If you are unwilling to participate in the marriage fully in every way then I will find someone who will. If this feels like pressure to you, then so be it. You’re either in or you’re out. If you’re in, then you damn well better start acting like it and if you’re out, then get out and stop wasting my life. Either way, this stops now and I don’t care which way it stops. I’m going to be in a healthy intimate relationship with or without you.”

Stand your ground but be ready to accept that it may end your marriage. I had this conversation with my wife and I was fed up to the point I was ready for whichever way it went. My situation turned around for the positive, but I wasn’t cut off. She was just pissing and moaning about it and making a big deal about it. I said “ok, if you don’t want to be with me then stop wasting my time and get out. If you do, then you better start showing it because I’m not seeing it, hearing it, or feeling it”. Don’t accept the lack of intimacy.

225. I need to add that I only found the strength and courage to have the conversation above after I worked on myself. I realized I am worthy of a happy life and deserve it. I got angry at myself for settling for less and angry for bottling up resentment. I used that anger as motivation to change. Then I found the strength to hold others accountable rather than just taking it.

Don’t choke it down and take it. Ask yourself “What would John Wayne Do” (WWJWD). He would say “this is bull shit and unacceptable. Shape up or ship out”.

226. She isn’t necessary for your life, she should add to it. If she doesn’t… then what is the point?

227. (From a conversation about a cheating wife) Never confront until you have concrete evidence. This is why I suggest putting a Voice Activated Recorded in her car, a keylogger app on the computer and her phone/ipad (you can download it to run in the background), and get access to the detailed phone bill. They will NEVER admit to more than you already know. NEVER. At a minimum it’s an Emotional Affair, which is just as bad or worse really, and once married women get into an emotional affair it quickly escalates to Physical Affair. Because at that point it’s not a moral issue and if you’re going to put your toe in the water you might as well be all-in.

228. Stop doing this to yourself. You don’t need a smoking gun. In fact, you didn’t even need to know what you found out this morning. Let’s assume that she is now telling you the absolute truth, they are just friends, no sex, etc. At face value, is her behavior acceptable to you? Doesn’t sound like it.

With absolute certainty, your wife is a liar. She also clearly does not care about your feelings. Whether she is fucking another guy or not, is this the life you want?

Whatever action you need to take, take it immediately. Don’t wait for more evidence. You don’t need it. The pursuit of the truth is only going to hurt you more. For one, you will never be sure if you have the whole story. Also, the truth won’t change a thing for you. She has already betrayed you by lying. She has already betrayed you by meeting another man behind your back. She has already shown callous disregard for your feelings and the sanctity of her marriage. She shows no remorse and, in fact, displays indignation when confronted. What more do you need to know?

Here’s a thought to ponder. When you step in something and it smells like dog poop, what do you do? Do you go on a quest to find the dog that dropped the load, where, what he ate and who else stepped in it? Do you look for the reasons why the dog pooped where it did and what your responsibility is? Or do you just hose the shit off your shoe because, well, it is shit?

229. Don’t remain in an unhealthy relationship over money. You can earn more money but you’ll never get more time.

230. Like every storm, the sun will always shine again.

231. “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

232. Find your self respect, if you do not respect yourself why would anybody else respect you?

233. Most women when caught in an affair will make excuses and spin and say things to justify what they did. they will say it was wrong and spend the next 5 minutes explaining why they did it and usually its your fault.

Don’t buy into this, work on yourself and marital issues, but don’t allow it to be the excuse for what she did.

234. “Your only options are fear or mastery”

235. The bad marriage is shared responsibility. You did some stuff, she did other stuff, which led to a deteriorating marriage. You are responsible for your part and need to own it. She needs to own the things she did poorly, too. This is all separate from her infidelity. Don’t mash the issues together. And don’t let a marriage therapist mash them together!

236. “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” – William Gibson

237. HOW TO PICK A WIFE by JudgyBitch

I love it when this happens: some single guy friend of Mr.JudgyBitch, hungry for some family time, ends up sitting at our dining room table, a plate of something warm and delicious in front of him, children cavorting silly and funny all around, a cat curled up under his feet and a glass of something fortifying at hand. He looks around, sighs, and says, “JudgyBitch, why aren’t there more of you?”

The truth is there ARE lots of women like me: women who value home and family more than cash and credit in their own names. Women who like being First Officer and are happy to have a Captain who takes the main responsibility for the crew. Women who make other people’s happiness their own, and who don’t have to TRY to do that, it’s just how they are.

The trick is to be able to recognize those women when you meet them, and to see the red flags that tell you when you’re going down the wrong track. So here is JudgyBitch’s advice for single men on how to find a wife.

How much does she weigh?

People come in all different shapes and sizes, and there is no wrong or right shape. There’s only what you prefer, and you are entitled to your preference. Start with that. Do NOT marry someone you do NOT find physically attractive. It will not get better. It will get worse, and that’s a terrible position to be in – married to someone you don’t fancy. Having said that, you need to ask IS HER WEIGHT STABLE? Whether you prefer the softly rounded or the slender, the athletic or the sturdy, a stable weight goes hand in hand with a stable mind. Look at pictures of her over time. Wildly fluctuating weight is a sign of mental disturbance, and that is just what you do NOT want.

How much does she care about her clothes?

Again, it doesn’t matter what your preference, fashion-wise is. A pretty country dress, blue jeans and t-shirt, yoga pants or metropolitan chic. WHAT she wears doesn’t matter, but how much she CARES certainly does. First of all, it can cost a ton of money to keep a fashion conscious girl in circulation. That is NOT what you want to spend your family’s money on. Second, someone who invests a lot of time thinking about herself and what she looks like is not likely to be spending a lot of time thinking about YOU. And that’s a no-go right there. Check out her closets. Are they stuffed to the seams with clothes and shoes and boots and accessories? Yes? Pass on her. Not what you want.

Does she care if you are hungry?

Young women today have very few domestic skills, a sad result of growing up with mothers who preferred cubicles and frozen pizza to a kitchen and fresh bread. Those skills can be learned, however, and all it takes is practice and desire. Don’t panic if your lady friend cannot boil water or make the proverbial sandwich. She can learn how to do those things. What she CAN’T do is learn how to care. She does or she doesn’t. A woman who will bring you take-out, or heat soup from a can or pick up some bread and cheese from the bakery because YOU are hungry is on the right path. It’s all about attitude. Wanting to go out for dinner because SHE wants to is very different from wanting to go get dinner because YOU have had a long, tough day and she knows your favorite Mexican restaurant is just what you need. Caring about you starts with caring about what and when you eat. It’s really that simple.

Does she have a loving family and close friends?

Women who DON’T have these things should not be off the table automatically, because no one chooses their family, but a woman without a family or friends should be dealt with very cautiously. There might be a good reason she has no friends. Beware of women who say things like “I don’t like hanging out with other women. They’re so bitchy/catty/dramatic/blah blah. I prefer the company of men.” That’s a huge red flag right there. There are plenty of women I hate and would not voluntarily spend one second with, but I also have a group of like-minded ladies who walk through life with me and I LOVE them to pieces. A woman who prefers the company of men over all women has a problem with a lack of male attention. She probably grew up in a single parent household, and it’s unlikely she is going to be satisfied with just YOUR attention. Move on from this one.

Does she have an inner life?

A woman with an inner life does things that allow her to contemplate the world from someone else’s perspective. Whether that involves reading or analyzing baseball games or volunteering at the animal shelter, it means she has some capacity to consider the needs of others. There’s a clue there, dudes. If you’re actively looking for women who read/analyze/volunteer, you should spend some time at the bookstore/arena/shelter. Become a familiar face and you might find a willing conversational partner and then take it from there.

Does she like children?

That’s a deal breaker. A woman who doesn’t like children is a woman who doesn’t like vulnerability, chaos, responsibility, obligation, patience or cheer. Lots of women will say “oh, I would love my OWN children, I just can’t stand other people’s children.” That is a woman who considers children personal property and you are in for a hot mess of hurt and a lifetime of child support if you fall for one of those ladies. The slightest hint of not liking children should send you running for the hills. The failure to see children everywhere as little people deserving of love and guidance and patience and tolerance is a fatal flaw. Run, lads!

Does she want a big wedding?

In certain cultures, big weddings are an expectation and par for the course. JudgyBitch’s youngest brother UPSGuy, married into a huge Italian family, and the wedding was insane, but necessary. Mrs. UPSGuy would have been happy to elope, but her 285 cousins would have killed her. So a big wedding it was, but in general, the desire for a big wedding is a hint that you have found a Princess, and not in a good way. A Princess is an entitled narcissist who thinks everything and everyone should be about HER and her Big Day! You are an accessory and not much more. That’s not a good thing. Princesses expect life to treat them royally simply by virtue of being born and they have little concept of what their duties and responsibilities are in relation to the kingdom. Ditch the Princess and look for a Queen. A Queen is different. She understands that she has obligations and that her privilege comes with a price, which she is more than willing to pay. A Princess will see you as a Daddy, who ought to take care of her and indulge her every whim. A Queen knows you are the King, and commands alongside you.
A word about the dress, though. The Dress lives in every woman’s imagination and it will cost a lot for something that only gets worn once (although I wear mine every anniversary). But there is a LOT and then A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. A big creamy taffeta and silk confection can be had for a couple hundred dollars and that is a lot of money, but if you can afford it, it will melt her heart and make her feel like she is living in a dream. With you.

Does she wear sensible shoes?

Ok, this one is a personal peeve. I just think a girl in sensible shoes has her head on straight and knows that sometimes life will throw you a curveball and you need have your feet on the ground, solidly and be ready to catch or get out of the way. Sensible shoes doesn’t mean ugly shoes. It means practical, comfortable and affordable. Just what your wife should be.
So there you have it. What to look for in a wife. Where to find her? Hell if I know. But she’s out there. Don’t settle for anything less.

238. Couples that pray together, stay together.

239. Couples that play together, stay together.

240. If someone is a known liar, steer clear of them, male or female.

241. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

242. I just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she is moving during sex.

243. After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. Strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”.

244. TRP doctrine calls the irrational assumption that men can and/or should rescue “jane random” women from whatever situation she’s in “white knighting”. Men will waste all kinds of time, effort, and resources doing what they think is the “right” thing to do, and women use this behavior to extract resources – time, effort, and money from men. Don’t be that kind of guy.

245. #: Figure out what you want from life. Set some general goals, must-haves, want-to haves, take-or-leave it type stuff. This will become your mission.

#: Believe that what you want out of life is of value, and it’s
more important than what others say your life should be like.

#: Develop an “I’m the most dominant person in this room” mindset. It’ll improve your presence, change how you interact with others, and the way other people perceive you.

#: Establish reasonable boundaries for how you will accept being treated.

#: Learn how to handle situations where people push or violate those boundaries. Your pushback should be polite, firm, constructive, and able to deflect or escalate as required.

#: Learn to handle conflict and ambiguity.
The hardest part is the first times you go through the process, or you find yourself opposite someone who doesn’t want to address the issue. When it finally sinks in that being told “I don’t feel that way” isn’t the end of the world, and in fact has saved you from a world of grief, then you’ll take being turned down as a positive instead of a negative.

#: Learn to start and hold conversations with people. You should be able to get to the point of opening a conversation with almost anyone in a particular context, and maintaining it for a few minutes (cashiers, other service people you see for short periods of times) to a few hours (new friends, people you meet at conferences, etc.). In many cases this is just a matter of learning good questions to ask, and contributing something to the conversation.

#: Learn “outcome independence.” People with a bad case of “one-itis” put all their eggs in one basket, so every interaction with “the one” becomes either a high-stakes poker game, or one of supplication and always putting “The One’s” interest before your own.

Neither of these behaviors are attractive, and supplicating behavior is squarely in the “ewwwww” category.  Having “outcome independence” basically means the man is fine as a stand-alone individual in his life, and a woman is a nice-to-have addition to that life.

#: Learn to accept negative indicators without having to understand the “why” of it. If a woman is not at least “meh” about getting together, apply the “next” key and don’t even bother to think about it or try and figure out why she doesn’t want to get together with you because in the long run, it doesn’t really matter.

#: Focus on your mission, stay busy, and if a woman comes along that fits in with your mission, then offer her a chance to join in supporting that mission. If she says “yes”, then great! If not, then that’s a positive as well since you won’t have an unhappy camper along gumming up the works.

In either case, consider it all good.

246. Get out in life and risk some pain.

247. “Men are not loved for who we are; we are loved for what we are.”

We are judged on performance, and must qualify for love/attention.

248. “Emotional Affair” is just nice girl code for taking it in the pooper.

249. Women are feelers and men are thinkers (for the most part). So they can easily change their mind and everything is based on emotion. They tend to have high empathy. There’s no such thing as equality, and they can’t over power men physically so they want to do it mentally or emotionally. They’ll try to keep you on guard if they can. And make decisions for you. It’s all about control.
That tends to be why ‘normal’ women like ‘normal’ men as the normal man provides logic and stability. A rock, so to speak.

250. The only person’s opinion of me that matters is mine.

251. Healthy women are like healthy men, they like and enjoy sex. Lack of sex is not the issue but a symptom of other problems.

252. Never sleep on the couch. Ever. If she wants to be pissy she can choose to sleep on the couch…I’m sleeping in my bed.

253. You need to ‘get good with you’ and YOUR life. Work on YOUR self-respect… find things you like to do WITHOUT HER… start enjoying YOUR life… start BEING HAPPY for YOU… COMPLETELY disconnect yourself from her, her moods, your lack of sex, your lack of communication. STOP trying to talk to her all the time. STOP worrying about it… you have a GOOD LIFE to live… start doing it. You know why you can’t be bothered with her misery… you are having way too much fun living YOUR life.

In a while, one of a few things will happen… she will decide she no longer wants to be with you, YOU will decide YOU no longer want to be with her, or she will decide that maybe this really IS a good life and she will get on board. Thing is… you want to be living that good life with or without her…

254. Talk is feminine. Action is masculine.

255. It doesn’t matter if it’s an Emotional Affair or a Physical Affair, they both are equally destructive and shatter your trust. Especially when she says it was your fault, you drove her to it, you are such a mean guy, etc. Don’t believe that. It was 100% her choice to do what she did. The problem is that the vast majority of women will toss blame onto you so they don’t look like the bad girl. They have to.

256. Too many people think their marriage is worth saving and their spouses are remorseful, but the reality is many are just sorry they got caught and had to stop. They must accept the fact that they have some heavy lifting to do in order to save the marriage. If they don’t instinctively grasp and ACT upon that they aren’t truly remorseful.

257. What a shock! Wife feels bad about the affair then friends and family talk to her and she finds her backbone and starts in on what she wants.

…and of course it is your fault she had to fall on some other guy’s johnson.

What is so screwed up about this is that most of us have heard the same thing in the same situation.

This is why we preach “see a lawyer”.

I wish you good luck. This will be a bit ugly but remember you have rights, wants, and needs.

258. Marriages can be fixed, but some need to just end, especially when one party won’t do a thing to fix the marriage.

259. I swear women get “Dick Delusion.” They get to this phase in life where they’ve been married, have kids, and some guy starts flirting with them and they think ‘Yup, I still got it…”

And suddenly they walk around like they’re hot shit in a wine glass. But soon she’ll realize she’s just a cold fart in a Dixie Cup.

260. A woman isn’t going to risk her family over junior high puppy love holding hands in the park horseshit. If you’re gonna risk it all, you do it all.

261. You didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday. A woman doesn’t suddenly start shaving her snatch and wearing fancy panties because she is talking with someone…they fancy it up because someone is using it…and it wasn’t you.

262. Cheaters are liars and liars are cheaters.

263. “Surround yourself with people who like you and treat you well. Don’t hang out with people who treat you badly.” Dr. G.

264. You can fix motorcycles when they break. You can’t fix crazy.
You can have more than one motorcycle and not feel guilty.
You can trade in a motorcycle when it no longer satisfies you, with no drama, broken dishes, or stabbings.

Carfax. If only women came with a history report….

Motorcycles usually come with an owner’s manual. Written in English, not telepathy.

265. Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Yes… but only if he was first a billionaire.

266. Not to be crass, but in a marriage, if the woman isn’t rocking her hubby’s world sexually on some sort of a regular basis, isn’t helping out around the house (to the point of abdicating from most child-rearing duties) and isn’t even working (or is very under-employed and not contributing to the household income in any noticeable way), what’s the point of keeping her around?

I know guys who do the work and then come home to a “housewife” who hasn’t done jack and then have to cook for themselves and take care of the kids. And on top of it, she’s let herself go and no sex life either. Why in the hell you would stay with a boat anchor like that is beyond me, aside from the consideration that the court system is so rigged against him that he probably doesn’t want to end up broke and homeless and would rather just hang on to the cow anyway.

267. “and if she’s not haaappy, then she has “Every right” to leave and find a guy who will…make her happy.” (sarcasm off)

And there in lies the problem.

Happiness comes from within. If you are looking for someone to provide you with your happiness, you will never truly be happy.
Relationships should be about mutual support. Using someone to get something you can’t give yourself is just that. Using.

268. It takes two people to make a relationship work. It only takes one to keep it from working.

269. Yeah, that red pill sure is bitter going down, isn’t it? Seeing the world for what it really is sure does suck at first. You’ll get over it. You will stop wasting time and energy on what will not–and cannot–ever be. You discover new possibilities that you’re uniquely equipped to do. Take stock in what you do and don’t have and optimize that. Don’t dwell on what cannot be done over. Embrace what you can do for you.

270. Where one finds fear, one will sometimes find what is holding them back from what they want.

271. A woman’s value is her intimacy.

A man’s value is his commitment.

272. Married to my wife for 30 years. Untreated BiPolar……Been there, have the T-shirt. Sometimes it’s like tap dancing in a minefield…..

My first wife was a different story. Things came to an end when one morning, I wanted to say “Good morning sweetheart”, what came out was, “You bitch, do you realize how much you’ve fucked up my life?”

273. I’m a bit mystified at the idea that relationships should be “exciting” and “dramatic.” “Interesting” is usually the result of uncertainty, changes, and other not-so-fun “surprises.” My thought is it should be more like a curling up next to a comfortable fireplace – warm, quiet, stable, reliable, and most surprises are the ones you go out hunting and exploring together.

274. “A man gets the best woman that his wallet can afford, and a woman gets the best man her looks can afford.”

275. 1 Peter 3 “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

276. The rationalization hamster is an analogy for the thought processes used by women to turn bad behavior and bad decisions into acceptable ones to herself and her friends.

277. You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to.

278. “Sometimes doing your best is not good enough. Sometimes you must do what is required.” – Winston Churchill

279. Being single sucks. The only thing I get to do is whatever I want!

280. “Be nice. Be persistent and helpful and she will love you for it.” It is not true and it took many of us the better part of our lives to find this out with painful experience.

281. Communication in a marriage should be open, transparent, direct, etc,… not closed, covert, or passive-aggressive.

282. “Choose your love, then love your choice.” -Thomas S. Monson

283. People talk about how you can’t control who you fall in love with.. Yes you can, sorry to break your romantic perception of… well, romance.

284. You know who’s responsible for her issues?????????

She is.

Quit accepting any blame for her failures in wifesmanship.

285. This is the mindset I see in a lot of women these days, especially my age (early to mid 20’s). It’s all about ‘fighting for the woman’ when things get rough in a relationship, but a man has value too. A man shouldn’t have to put up with so much misbehavior at the end of the day. I can only blame the guys for putting women on such high pedestals for most of their lives; of course many woman are left with an inflated value of worth and little to none for a man.

286. A woman can rationalize anything in her mind, but is not capable of rational thought.

287. “Actually, for too many men, it’s quite the opposite. They ignore a woman’s red flags because they are so enthralled with her positive attributes.”

I think that’s a key point that men need to remember, just by mentally tapping themselves on the shoulder. Women also need to grasp this too. When confronted with the issue of his commitment, a man’s default position needs to be “no, I won’t commit, unless and until I’m presented with sufficient evidence that my commitment will be beneficial to me.” He needs to be looking for the red flags, and if they are there, she needs to address them directly and why they won’t be a problem (but the red flag behaviors usually will be).

A man’s default position should be that the woman needs to prove to him why he should invest anything in her. A man’s default position must be that SHE must qualify to HIM; she must qualify for his commitment.

288. I see a lot of people, including my wife, losing things that are right in front of them because they are more concerned about what is going on with their smartphones. It’s depressing.

289. The idea that a womans body is her own is so common that people forget that it wasn’t that way for most of history. The whole REASON for marriage was a woman got resources from the male and the male got reproductive access. That’s the whole reason taking a virgin before marriage was a property crime against her father–it was the only way to be assured that the male was expanding blood and sweat on his OWN kids.

When marriage 2.0 was rolled out this “my body, my choice” meme had to be instituted otherwise feminism would fall apart.
I suspect that if a woman’s body was her husbands –there would be a lot more happy marriages.

My wife’s body IS mine.

290. “Life begins at the edge of your Comfort Zones!”

291. “You are happy where you are until you find where you’d rather be!”

292. “Life will be difficult as promised; the sooner we embrace this, the better!”

293. “Intimacy, especially sexual intimacy, lets a man know his wife cares about him; it’s how he feels special”

294. You know what is tough? Looking back and seeing the wasted time and what could have been.

That’s why you have to look at the present and forward.

295. “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

296. What you put up with, you end up with.

297. Without mutual respect there is only emotional competition.

298. If you work on and take care of your own needs, many of the problems with others will clear up, and with those that don’t, then you will understand you are beating your head against a brick wall.

299. The idea that “women should always be treated like a “Lady” whether they act as such or not” is pure feminist bullshit. It is placing women on an undeserved pedestal just because vagina.

300. “If you don’t like where you are, change where you are – physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever. Just make a change.”

Author Follow Up

You guys [at the motorcycle forum] here wrote most of this. All I did was compile it so I could review the good advice. It is the Cliff Notes of the Red Pill related threads.

And this isn’t even half of it.

I have kept a diary, compiled this thread, and have done some writing to keep track of my thoughts for the last year. My marriage situation sucked. I have been miserable for a very long time. I was raised to be the Nice Guy and got used and abused and cheated on for it. The bitter part of the red pill for me was recognizing my contribution. I am NOT making excuses for my wife’s behaviors, but I bred the environment for it by not being the leader in my own home that I should have been.

I recently asked her to move out. She did. The next step in my journey is to work on me. I still love her and her assignment is to work on her. At this point I don’t know what the future holds but I will not be going back to the life I had.


The author went through a very painful experience. Hopefully, he will move on with his life and completely internalize the Red Pill lessons he’s learned about women, life, and relationships.

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Pay To Play

No, I’m not talking about prostitution. Pay to play is the concept where a fee is levied in order to present information or entertainment to an audience that is not always aware that a fee is required to the entity creating the information or performing the entertainment.

Wikipedia has a good definition:

Pay to play, sometimes pay for play, is a phrase used for a variety of situations in which money is exchanged for services or the privilege to engage (play) in certain activities. The common denominator of all forms of pay to play is that one must pay to “get in the game,” with the sports analogy frequently arising

There are many examples of this concept in action. It’s likely better known for those folks aware of the live music scene. The Wikipedia page provides examples in other realms such as politics, stand-up comedy, radio, even corporate financing. Part of me understands and appreciates the need for an entry fee in order for a musician or stand up comedian to help the venue (or promoter) to make money. A huge part of the performing arts is a capitalistic endeavor motivated by profit.

Pay to play is moving into other areas. Last year, I was in communication with, an online source for dating and relationship advice. That website gets a lot of attention and plenty of page views. Dating advice folks brag that their content has been featured on YourTango. There is a section of that website with the name “YourTango Experts“. That was where my own content was to be published… for $48 a month at the time. Ah, pay to play. I declined.

Again, I completely understand charging folks like me for an online presence that gathers plenty o’ eyeballs. Besides, YourTango needs content and the profit margins always need to be improved. By charging content creators, it’s a win-win situation. YourTango gets content and some lucre as a bonus. The expert gets valuable exposure to help pitch a book or some type of coaching services.

How long until Huffington Post charges content creators? With so many website desperate for eyeballs, clicks, and the subsequent advertising revenue, it’s likely already happening, especially since so many content creators are pushing a book or a paid service. The trend was established years ago in the print publication industry. If an advertiser was willing to buy up enough ad space, the publication agreed to write a feature story about that business. Making things even more efficient, the advertiser sometimes actually WROTE that feature story. This still happens in local publications.

I have just learned about the Great Love Debate. It’s a series of shows and performances where the there is a fun and lively discussion about attraction and dating in a live audience format. I’ve watched quite a few of the available videos. In general, the format works. A friend recently attended one of these events in Austin, Texas and generally had good things to say.

The format of the Great Love Debate involves a group of attraction, dating, and relationship experts up on stage to speak more about audience questions and talk more about the subject matter. The videos show some lively talk and a generally engaged audience. With that in mind, I thought to myself that I could be one of those experts up on stage. I sent an email to the show’s organizers. The response I received was not unsurprised at the response. Given my under-the-radar status as a dating blogger, I was expected to pay a fee to be up on stage. Fair enough. Outside of the ‘sphere, I’m not particularly well-known.

As a reality check, I contacted a local dating coach to see if he had participated in the same show. He did last year here in Miami, but was not charged a fee given that his local public reputation is better than mine. This local dating coach, Dan Silverman, does better with his matchmaking services. A note for guys here in South Florida, his clients are heterosexual men and he has MANY more women available than he has male clients. I might have him write a guest post or do an interview with him so he can discuss what he’s learned from his matchmaker services for men.

There is a glaring problem with the pay to play business model. There are seriously reduced incentives to deny fees to the unqualified. Consider the the pay to play concept at a comedy club. The promoter or club owner accepts fees from performers who are not at all funny. The audience still pays for an entry ticket and drinks but is thoroughly  not amused by the terrible act(s) up on stage. No one wins but the promoter or club owner. But the win is short-lived because the club’s reputation will quickly be ruined.

This applies to any business model that charges an audience and also charges the performers. It’s fraught with difficulty because of financial incentives. The takeaway for guys is to be very circumspect about what advice they are reading on the ‘Net. If it’s pay to play, then the advice should be heavily discounted.

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On Feminine Pleasantness

[Note: Lots of links in this post to other blog posts I’ve written over the years]

Life is not easy. This is known. How we respond to the difficulties of life illustrates our essential character. Because men and women are different, the two sexes will have different emotional responses to life’s challenges. Men might become more intense, more focused as he concentrates to solve the problems at hand. That’s masculine and because the masculine attracts the feminine, women will be attracted to that.

The culturally discordant plague of “strong and independent” women try to face life’s problems by responding in a masculine way with the same focus and concentration that a man would manifest. But this is contra naturum and impacts women quite negatively in terms of mood and unhappiness. Trying to act like a man simply doesn’t make women happy and this, taken one step further, makes women less attractive to men. Please have a look at the five noble rules of dating.

In the realm of dating and attraction, consistent unpleasantness should never, ever be tolerated by a man. A woman having a bad day or days certainly happens. Having a bad week, month, or year where a woman’s mood never improves is a reason to stop dating that woman. Yes, that includes PMS and menopause. Guys, it’s not your job to make her overall mood and general happiness better. Emotional self-control comes from within and that includes the woman (or women) you are dating. I am not heartless. It’s perfectly reasonable to avoid making her bad mood worse. But if that means constantly walking on eggshells, just leave. It’s not worth the cost to your psyche to be dating such a personality type.

Have you heard or read either of these two hoary platitudes “If Momma’s happy, everyone is happy” or “happy wife, happy life”? Both those sentiments are complete crap. If Momma is unhappy, she’d best get her shit together emotionally. If wifey ain’t happy, it’s not the husband’s nor the family’s responsibility to boost that happiness, especially at the expense of the happiness of others. The woman who “speaks her mind” is also related to this.

A happy and pleasant demeanor is very feminine. A woman’s smile, despite her personal adversity, can melt a man’s heart. Actually, the ability to smile throughout tough times is ferociously attractive in a woman. It’s a wonderful sign of emotional resilience and self-reliance. Kindness, pleasantness, and caring are too often the first qualities a woman abandons when faced with adversity. A blast furnace of social expectations and media messages encourages women to act against their essential nature. This is where the bossy and domineering notion comes into play and it’s not something natural in a woman.

To be blunt and tactless – ladies, go be unhappy on your own time and keep it away from men and the dating process. When your feminine graciousness and pleasantness is restored – that’s up to you and no one else – meet men, go on dates, enjoy your life as you pursue your relationship goals. Your family and female friends will be there to help you through the tough times. Dates, boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands are not the ones to restore your happiness. This is part of your emotional self-control, a very attractive thing, indeed.

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Video Podcast 8 – Social Media & Men

After some introductory stuff about Periscope and the events in Asheville, NC, there’s a presentation of some strategy tips on how men should handle common social media.

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The “Boris Flight Simulator”

Hanging out with my readers in real life is always great fun because my readers are a clever bunch. I wish there were more local readers. But there are three or four who are great guys and have been helpful to them and I do hope that my blog has been helpful to them.

I was hanging out with my reader and friend, Boris, the other day. We were discussing life, work, and our approach to being social, especially in regards to women. Boris is relatively young (to me) and a white-collar professional with a good gig. He also has some serious ambition because in addition to his full-time job, he’s seriously in school to advance his degree. He takes his school work seriously.

To unwind, Boris sometimes visits strip clubs. As he is a clever and thoughtful fellow, he knows the score regarding how strip clubs and strippers operate. Of delusions about such establishments, he has none. When he attends a club like that, he has a particular goal in mind. No, it’s not to meet and date the dancers. Strippers are not good girlfriend material, he knows this. So why does he do this? Here are his brilliant words.

“A strip club is my flight simulator”.

The analogy is perfect. Before pilots actually take to the air with an aircraft, they often safely train in a technological simulator that represents an airplane flight with a virtual experience through sophisticated technology.

Though a strip club is not usually associated with sophisticated technology, it can be seen as a way for men to, in effect, practice their charisma with the opposite sex and not have to worry about the outcome. Such practice can help a man with his social skills and charisma with girls with no emotional crash and burn should the “flight” go awry and come to naught. It’s important to know that Boris considers a phone number as the mark of success for being in the simulator.

There are, of course, some caveats apply. Strippers are going to be receptive to a man’s interest. This is their job because table dances and stage tips are how they earn their keep. With this in mind, Boris escalates by going for a phone number. Keep in mind that good strippers are not only good on the pole (hehehe) they are also good marketers and will give out a phone number so that she can cultivate a group of free-spending guys.

What Boris does to counteract the girl’s marketing efforts is to be a modest spender and use his charisma to secure a phone number. This element is the essence of his flight simulator analogy. Strippers, like the vast majority of women, are after some type of security. But an exotic dancer in a strip club doesn’t have the luxury of a dating ritual to pursue. The dancer only has enough time as she can garner from a man’s attention in one shift. His attention is great because she wants to transform it into cash money.

Because Boris isn’t the hugely free-spending customer, he has to rely on his charisma and confidence to charm a phone number from a woman who has to rely on her physical assets and flirty charm to secure a table dance from him. This is somewhat similar to the whole dating and attraction model outside the doors of the gentlemen’s club.

One other point for guys considering the “Boris Flight Simulator”, don’t drink too much while at the club! Not only is it expensive, the alcohol can lead to some bad decisions including a costly visit to the champagne/VIP room. This puts the guy in the big spender category which completely ruins the flight simulator analogy.

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And don’t forget my one-on-one advice services]



Need Personalized Attraction & Dating Advice? Skype Me

I did this a couple of years ago and got a nice response. So, I’m doing it again. I’ve now got much more research, observation, and experience under my belt (hehehe) so I’m even more prepared to help post-divorce singles with attraction and dating advice.

It’s a fairly simple process…

  1. If you don’t already have a Skype account, download the app for PC or mobile from Skype and complete the process of creating a new account.
  2. Add me as a contact. I’m “Drewsky1962”. For a message when you add my name, write “Advice” in the appropriate field. The app then sends me a message with your contact request. I’ll accept that request so we can contact via Skype (it’s free).
  3. Send me an email with your questions about attraction and dating. I’ll also need to know same basic information about you – age, sex, location, height (yes, that’s important, especially for men), weight, occupation, and your relationship goals.
  4. I’ll send an email back with a proposed time when we can talk on Skype. I’ll even do a video call so you can see my ugly visage.
  5. At the end of the conversation, click the Donate button on any page of this blog. Donate what you think is right.

Here are some topics where I can provide solid advice:

  • Your online dating process, including photos and the text portion of your profile.
  • The mistakes you might be making once you’ve established an initial connection, whether online or in person.
  • What you’re getting right or wrong during the dating process.
  • General encouragement for you to keep on with dating. It’s not easy, I know. My own mistakes and how I fixed them will be helpful for you.
  • A safe place to vent. Guys get frustrated when dating gets difficult. There are few places where some righteous disgust can be expressed without the tut-tutting of the feminine imperative getting in the way. I ain’t the feminine imperative.

Please note that I don’t give advice about serious, long-term relationships, I refer men and women to Athol Kay for that. However, I can refer guys to some other good advice websites for such things as fashion, health and diet, fitness, social skills, and more. While my blog is mostly aimed at men, I would be pleased to offer advice to post-divorce single women, too. Or, those women can hit up EMK or Bobbi Palmer because these two excellent and successful coaches have a 100% female clientele.

I’m very much looking forward to helping post-divorce singles again. Because of my regular work in the technology sector, I’m particularly empathetic to attraction and dating challenges faced by technologists. So nerds, hit me up… we could talk about the perils of Agile software development.

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An Attraction Preference Is Never An “Ism”

Rarely do I venture into the culture conflict that plagues our social landscape with political correctness and the “blank slate” concept of human development. Attraction and dating information for post-divorce singles is my usual haunt and it’s a passion of mine. Sometimes, however, the small and pointless world of the social justice warrior (SJW) attempts to intrude into the fiercely realistic world of attraction, desire, and dating.

Through Twitter, I was informed of this recently published dreck from The Daily Beast. The article in question focuses on the gay community. But over the past few years, there has been discussion about individual’s attraction preferences in the context of dating between heterosexuals and gays.

If you’re a gay man, phrases like “no blacks” and “no Asians” aren’t just words that you’d find on old signs in a civil rights museum, they are an unavoidable and current feature of your online dating experience. On gay dating apps like Grindr and Scruff, some men post blunt and often offensive disclaimers on their profiles such as “no oldies,” “no fems,” and “no fatties.” Among the most ubiquitous are racial disclaimers like “no blacks” and “no Asians,” which are most frequently posted by white men.

A gay man defending himself from potential charges of misogyny because of his clear desire to not have sex with women provided a reasonable response:

Those who deploy these disclaimers defend themselves from accusations of “racism” by claiming that they merely have “preferences” for certain races over others. Wrote one gay blogger, “Don’t tell me I can’t have a preference! I don’t want to have sex with women. No hard feelings. Does that make me a misogynist?”

Naturally, a feminist in another article says much the same thing:

Claiming that someone is unworthy of associating with you because of race and hiding behind the flimsy excuse of sexual tastes or lack of hypothetical romantic chemistry is racist.

This is shame, pure and simple. The authors of those essays are using an old method to manipulate our attraction and dating behavior. It’s “attraction preference” shaming. Shame is crude, but fundamentally effective in the public sphere. Thankfully, online dating preferences are only barely public, much like an iceberg is mostly underwater and not visible. This ultimately saves dating from the horror of political correctness

The author of the second essay goes on to claim,

Race in itself has absolutely no bearing on a person’s effectiveness as a partner or their impact on a relationship.

It just doesn’t.

Well, if a potential partner’s race is sexually undesirable to the partner, that’s an extremely large impact on the potential relationship. Put simply, social shame can do nothing to increase sexual ardor and blood flow to the genitals. Desire is something that happens between our ears, not in the messy and dysfunctional world of social expectations. In effect, initial desire for another person is private, only manifested publically when an online dating profile is created and those preferences are readable by many.

Of course, the unintended consequence will be simply to drive people away from freely expressing their desires and words and using their actions instead. A man or woman eschews writing honest preferences and simply doesn’t send messages to, or reads messages from, those individuals whom they don’t find desirable for whatever reason.

There’s something else about these articles. They focus on the racial element of dating attractiveness preferences. All singles looking for love (or nookie) have a wide variety of preferences. At a basic level, heterosexuals prefer the opposite sex. Yet there is so much more involved. Height, weight, religion, personal habits, employment, status, are all of the many factors that are blended into attraction.

There are many articles and opinion pieces about this subject. They all reach towards the same conclusion, that attraction preferences, whether gay or straight, are somehow “crimethink” that go against a particular ideology. Will such an attitude lead to a whole raft of new shaming because all the preferences we have regarding potential romantic partners?

Dating is already challenging enough. Most people complain about the process. Such articles only heap ideological garbage on top something that is, fundamentally, a very private effort. Who we kiss is no one else’s business, especially not ideologically driven busy bodies trying to shame singles to fit into a cultural agenda. The actionable advice is this – ignore such attempts at shaming. Maintain your preferences as much as reasonably possible based on the economics of dating attractiveness, not the ideology of dating attractiveness.

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Video Podcast 7 – Bad Dating Advice

In this video podcast, I cover two pieces of really bad attraction and dating advice. [Note: This video’s focus is not quite as sharp as the others.]

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