The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Where Be The Men?

I’ve had a few recent phone conversations with a Miami-based matchmaker, Dan Silverman. Unlike the vast majority of matchmakers, this is a guy. Also making him rare in matchmaking circles, his paying clients are men. Yes, heterosexual men. Dan got his start in the dating coach business and has branched out into matchmaking. He’s been in the dating advice business for quite a few years. He knows his business well and has been successful at it. This shows his advice works. It works because he accurately knows the predictability of human beings in the context of attraction and dating.

In our conversations, he indicated one of the challenges he faces in his business. His problem is not women. Actually, he has a surfeit of single women. For his live singles events, he has a veritable plague of single women. The problem is men. This is not a problem of individual men. Dan’s problem with men is the general nature of contemporary men. The Y chromosome cohort just isn’t social enough and this is not healthy for the singles business. It’s also not healthy for singles trying to meet the opposite sex out there in meet space without any help.

Having a talk with a professional and successful dating information expert confirmed what I have learned about post-divorce single men. Too many of these men are simply not visible to women because they are socially isolated and when they do get out and about, they are invisible to women. I’ve covered both topics and will continue to do so.

What makes this more significant is the downstream impact of masculine social isolation and invisibility on dating professionals. Dan the dating coach and matchmaker is certainly one example. The masculine pathologies also affect speed dating organizers. I have been asked to attend those events for free in order to fill an available empty seat for guys. At the time, I found that to be rather astounding. But through my research, I learned at the time about masculine social isolation. This meant the lack of men attending made unfortunate sense.

As for the matchmaking element of Dan’s business, the same types of problems exist for him. A bit of the of the difficulty lies in the fees involved. Good matchmaking is not cheap. The process requires time, effort, and the ability to understand and analyze people. Knowledge and time are quite justifiably worth the expense. Understandably, not every man can afford the fees. But once Dan hooks a potential client, it’s not hard to get that client to sign a contract. It’s finding those potential clients that presents the problem. Fortunately, matchmaking is a growing business.

Dan’s personality is very outgoing. He learned through his dating coach services that approaching women in person leads to success. With that in mind, he has absolutely no problem finding single women to add to his database of potential dates for his own clients. He knows his marketing strengths and wisely capitalizes on them.

“But where are the men?” asks Dan when he’s scouting for potential clients. That question is also asked by so many women who are far more willing to go out and be social or even hire a matchmaker. Dating coaches ask that same question. Before that question can be effectively addressed, it’s extremely important to rephrase it to make it more accurate:

“Where are all the suitable and attractive men?”

Even in a social environment where men actually show up is invisibility is a problem. The typical night club swarmed by hopeful young men is no guarantee that the typical young women will actually see such men. Women of a certain age typically do the same thing. They simply don’t see the men that are out in public. In both these instances, it’s a matter of the men not making the effort to stand out. Pick-up artists (PUAs) encourage men to “peacock” with clothes and style so that they stand out from the great mass of indistinguishable men. It’s sound advice.

It’s almost amusing that women seek out all sorts of advice and pay dating coaches. Women can certainly learn a thing or two about being more feminine. But until the men work on themselves by being more social and less invisible, all the self-improvement of women is all for naught. As a bonus, Dan the matchmaker and dating coach would end up doing more relationship and marriage coaching.

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29 thoughts on “Where Be The Men?

  1. Pingback: Where Be The Men? |

  2. I have learned to not give a damn about the women, they can go home to their cats.

    Do you have any fucking idea what the potential cost of merely approaching a woman is? These days it can easily cost a man his job and career. I’ve already had a a chunk of my life destroyed and a hobby I really enjoyed ruined merely because I expressed an interest in a woman. Women are a bunch of insane, nasty, venomous, hateful, lying, life wrecking creatures.

    Gods, I am so fucking tired of the hatred from feminists and liberals towards people like me.

  3. rugby11ljh on said:

    Some are dying men are dying…

  4. I think, for men, commitment is always a compromise. Hence the reluctance for matchmaking. The interesting thing would be to compare tinder statistics for men of the same age and demographic with the matchmaking data. I can try guessing, but that would be predictable and boring.

    Having said that, i have no idea what men of that age group would want in their lives. Given how much preferences shift as we mature, i wouldn’t be too surprised if they actually prefer intimacy and bonding over sex. So it may even be a case of hopeless apathy; Men simply gave up.

  5. honeycomb on said:

    Seriously .. “where be (all) the men?”

    You’re not ignorant. So, my guess is you’ve been paid by the ole (ball) coach.

    1) Men that can score the ladies don’t need a coach.
    2) Men who have the talent (i.e. looks, money, status .. like me) that are in our mid-forties don’t give two hoots and a holler about getting married.
    3) Beta’s are never going to show up and be anything but akward. Instant invisibility.
    4) Women are always looking fpr someone to spend time, money and energy on them. There is no shortage of available women. There will always be a shortage of visible (i.e. resources / talent) men.

    Getting dating or match-making advice is foolish. Just like investing in women .. a waste of time. And more and more men are finally getting the message.

    Love is the uh’lou’shin that one woman differs from another.

    • Actually, not paid. But I’ve been following the dating coach industrial complex for years and I see that business as reflective of the conflict and generally misunderstanding ‘twixt the sexes. As you can probably perceive through my blog posts, I’m very supportive of dating coaches and any business that seeks to help men and women realize their relationship goals.

      That being said, I disagree with point three in your list. Many, many men who need self-improvement will actively seek it. The very existence of my blog and others like it are a clear testament to that. Such self-improvement is never a waste. But men must improve themselves only for themselves, not as investment simply to be more attractive to women. A good dating coach for men will stress that point.

      • “But men must improve themselves only for themselves, not as investment simply to be more attractive to women.”

        So, how is teaching a man to engage a woman sexually “improving a man for himself”. Do you see how absurd this sounds? Game requires confidence to converse with and perhaps approach women, confidence to engage women sexually, some nonverbal skills, an understanding of escalation as it pertains to mating, and some other stuff like instigation and isolation. Lots of this stuff is essential for mating and requires men to improve themselves so that they are more attractive to women.

        I understand what makes men attractive to women. I’m a natural and I ping women’s radar hard when I’m around them. It’s not like I have to try hard or anything. I was cold-approached once Fri. and Sat. by women. And apparently there was a woman who was attracted to me Sat. when I was with a group of friends guzzling wine because they moved her in order to cockblock her from me. Which was an epic fail, lol, cuz I got the number close. We were both three sheets in the wind, heh. Great party. Anyway, I wasn’t trying to seduce her–I just automatically DHV when I’m in social situations. Women pick up on it. No effort required on my part.

      • The problem with self improvement is I don’t see many women doing the same, the world is increasingly filling up with fat tatted up single moms. One should always do it for themselves, but it is very frustrating for a man who has done all this work on himself finds very few female counterparts.

      • Yeah, I’ve been seeing a lot of under 30 couples where the guy is good looking and the girl outweighs him by at least 50 pounds. It’s absurd.

  6. Well, what can one say? Men are going off the reservation. I’ve been to a few of these events and most of us are not so much invisible as simply not in the top 20% these women are looking for, so it’s a colossal waste of time. Pretty much the same thing can be said of Online dating.

  7. honeycomb on said:

    5) What Ronin said.

  8. honeycomb on said:

    TPM >
    That being said, I disagree with point three in your list. Many, many men who need self-improvement will actively seek it. The very existence of my blog and others like it are a clear testament to that. Such self-improvement is never a waste. But men must improve themselves only for themselves, not as investment simply to be more attractive to women. A good dating coach for men will stress that point.

    Oh, I agree any man can make improvements. But, they (the other 80%) will always be a con’sull’lay’shun prize. Plus just an ATM before, during and after marriage.

    Smart men are not going to continue this sure’aid. As has been said .. men are walking off the reservation.

    This is the trend you’re seeing.

    Women will always be ready for the rich right guy after falling off the cock wagon. To which men have no interest in used tires for their car .. much less bald tires.

    So, these men have learned she gave her best (for free) to the one’s she couldn’t snag and now she wants that prince’sass wedding and marriage. That ought to end well .. for her if she can find a shmuck to fall for it.

    I’m now officially off the market. I don’t have time for my work, hobbies, workoits and social life to add a woman other than for a quick meal once a week.

    And I’m not alone. More and more men are waking-up. Don’t lose hope the ole coach (aka Dan). Many men have yet to embrace Red Pill truths or haven’t walked off the plantation. But, that reduction is being felt. I Pray it continues.

  9. “The Y chromosome cohort just isn’t social enough and this is not healthy for the singles business. It’s also not healthy for singles trying to meet the opposite sex out there in meet space without any help.”
    I don’t follow this at all. It seems it would be great news for men like me: fairly social, not bad looking, healthy and fit, good natured, great career, financially secure. I get out there and DO meet women but almost all who can meet my minimal requirements (nice face, nice figure, nice disposition) are much younger than I am, and they disqualify me – as they have every right to do – due to my age. Does this matchmaker have access to some unknown strain of 21st century woman?

    • honeycomb on said:

      Does this matchmaker have access to some unknown strain of 21st century woman?

      @ Mike …

      No, he doesn’t. And they’d be lying if anyone said yes.

      You have a broken product that we are told to “man up and marry that slut / whore” to which we are told we must take as is (aka broken) without warranty (e.g. non-man-hating laws .. i.e. vawa, divorce laws and etc.).

      You, Mike (and all other men), are expected to pick from the (lemon) lot without any questions to the quality or performance of the vehicle. And, it’s subject to recall at anytime without refund or breech of (full term) payments on your end.

      Maybe 0.00000001% of women awalt … so if a man wanted to take unicorn hunting he could waste his life away frustrated and lost. Or he could just be happy that he caught a unicorn fraud (aka a co’meal’yun).

      It’s important to never tell anyone your requirements for a wife (e.g. a dating coach or potential girlfriend or anyone!) because they will rep’locate said needs to fool the unaware.

      Be on guard of Dating Coaches / Match Makers. Be on double guard of any woman bearing interest in you. That doesn’t mean don’t enter’tain them .. just be aware they are looking out for #1 .. and it ain’t you.

      • honeycomb on said:

        could be happy he DIDN’T catch a unicorn fruad … darn fingers are slower than my thoughts.

    • Mike, age shouldn’t get you disqualified by about 25% of women who like older men. I ping women’s radar on the AF frequency, including women younger than my kids. Be fit, be agile, move like a confident young man.

    • Johnny Doe on said:

      I’ve been openly approached by a handful of ~18-year old women while working my side job. Not bad when you can get it, even though women elsewhere who shame other women don’t want to acknowledge that women at that age are also strong and empowered. Oooops!

      Unfortunately, that is an issue. To win a woman over these days, you basically have to clearly overpower her in terms of accomplishments–something I can do to a high school graduate. That won’t work on OLD sites, because you basically not only have to do likewise to “strong and independent” women, but you also have to grovel in front of women as if you are a worthless pile of trash who isn’t worthy of lesser accomplished fatties and single moms. Maybe you are if you use OLD, though. Women think that, anyway.

      My stepmother even got a dose of reality when I told her that education doesn’t matter to a guy. It wouldn’t to me, since I have an MPh.

      Her response: “So…all you like are bimbos!?!”

      Me: “Mom ain’t wondering when I will meet that woman with a PhD in Bullshit!”

      This from a woman who tried to set me up with her cousin, who must weigh close to the 200 lbs I weigh (she ain’t as slim and trim as I am) who is now 44 years old. As if that does me any good when the parents and grandparents are wondering when Miss Right and teh grandkids are coming along.

  10. Perhaps a re brand as a dating service instead of a matchmaking service might bring in more men. The term match maker brings up mental images of a marriage broker.

    • Matchmaker tells me that there is a lot of filtering for my qualifications.

      • Yes. A matchmaker would be filtering for people interested in long term relationships. The costs of most matchmakers would filter for a certain income bracket.

        Disclosure- When I was a kid, my parents had a string of dating services. ( Which was trippy considering they were no longer married to each other.) At one point, my father branched out into matchmaking. Filtering women was also part of the process. The high prices filtered out the flaky, but he filtered on personality traits too. This confused me as a kid, because some of these women were gorgeous, and seemed normal enough at the time, As an adult, I realize he was filtering out cluster b types.

  11. I’m guessing the 80% of men that women are not interested in dating have more or less dropped out of the picture.

    If you walk the mall you see lots of them with suitable women – they’re not the ones that are using this type of matchmaking service.

    This type of service targets a specific demographic – I don’t believe for a second that it reflects the general population. There’s just no way.

    So that my friend is the answer to the question!

    I wouldn’t be showing up for one those speed dating things either unless it was simply to game. I would not have a problem finding suitable women to date – they are naturally attracted and I don’t have trouble striking up and carrying on a conversation. The rest just happens naturally.

  12. Pathfinderlight on said:

    TPM, your friend specializes in post divorce coupling, right? I can’t see how that would be the case for the younger set.

  13. Best of luck to Mr. Silverman, but his service doesn’t seem likely to help the kinds of guys who need it most. In the current social environment any matchmaking system is going to select men for beta provider traits. That’s not necessarily going to help those guys keep long-term relationships, no matter how skilled and conscientious the matchmaker is.

    OTOH, guys who go out and pursue women, who frame themselves from the get-go as sexual beings who are interested in women sexually, have a good chance to meet women who are sexually attracted to them. This is true no matter how old we are, and a lot of us think it’s a better basis for relationship satisfaction than a provider match. (Also, if it comes to it, it feels a lot less bad to be the sexy lover dumped by a woman who decides to find a provider than the other way around.)

  14. Men know that matchmakers in the Marriage 2.0 era are snake-oil salesmen. Men are not stupid. They know a scam when they see one. Marketing and pitch, when it comes to selling the idea of pre-marrying a modern woman are just attempts to put a gold ring through a pig’s snout.

  15. whatsupdoc on said:

    Women complain they can’t find men. Yet seems to me after being single again for the past few years that women have become so cold, stuck uppish, unfriendly, and unapproachable that no normal guys approach them anyway. And the ones that do are usually the assholes they claim they would like to avoid but somehow end up hooking up with anyway.

    Then when they go out to “socialize”, they hang out with a group of girlfriends that look and sound more like a pack of wolves and then proceed to spend the entire night on gossipy girly talk, ignoring everyone else around them. Or they have a cock blocker or two making sure no one breaks in.

    • Browneye on said:

      The ‘pack of wolves’ just gossiping girly talk are not your prospects. NEXT!
      I am unclear why singles still gather to the bars and nightclubs to ‘find’ someone. Least likely place in my opinion. But I’m old and married so what do I know?

  16. Speed dating organisers in London have the same problem as your friend. So why don’t men sign up for speed dating events? Easy. Because it’s an hour or so of guaranteed rejection. Women stop going after a while because they realise it’s going to be an hour or so of guaranteed disappointment.

    You’ve talked about post-divorced, or post sexless-LTR, men not making more of an effort before. Well, who is he supposed to be making an effort for? Oh. Yes. A woman who did exactly the same to some other guy as his last one did to him. Insanity is repeating the same action and expecting a different result. The men who stay away are demonstrating sanity. And not showing their peacock feathers is part of that sanity.

    Dating is a means, not an end. People don’t want to date any more than they want to go on job interviews, or fly two hours to a beach resort. They want to be at the beach. They want a job and a paycheque. They want a partner. Nobody wants the acquisition process. Acquisition processes where another person has to say YES are hard work, have low success rates and the endless stream of rejection takes its toll. That’s why sales people have jobs – because they can take it, and even find something to enjoy about it, and the rest of us can’t. I suspect PUA’s like a lot of the process (“yea, shit test, send that one out of the ballpark!”). The rest of us don’t. We can’t all be sales people.

    That said, if we want a job, we need to interview. If we want to go to the beach, we have to stand in line at security and sit on the plane with a screaming baby three rows down. And if we want to get laid, we have to go hunting or dating.

    Which leads us to the real reason all those guys stay home. For a much larger proportion of men than would admit it, sex provides very little value. I’m talking about the value they get from the sex they actually get, not the value they would get if they got the good stuff in the quantities they would like. If they had good memories of the sex they had been getting from their previous partners, they would probably still be with those previous partners.

    Or as Faye Dunaway almost said in whatever that movie was: the screwing we’re going to get isn’t worth the screwing we’re going to get.

    Which leads to the point. To be prepared to get back out there, we don’t have to believe we’re going to find a unicorn, or even a woman with a more pleasant or sane disposition than the last one we were glad to be rid of. We have to be prepared we can quit before she starts to inflict any damage.

    That’s what you really need to teach men.

    Or as the chess grandmaster is supposed to have said to a bunch of amateurs who asked him what to practice. “What do you practice now?” He asked. “Openings” they said. “Endgames” he said, “practice endgames.”

    Took me quite a while to understand why he was right.

    • Johnny Doe on said:

      Dating is a means, not an end. People don’t want to date any more than they want to go on job interviews, or fly two hours to a beach resort. They want to be at the beach. They want a job and a paycheque. They want a partner. Nobody wants the acquisition process

      Right. My stepmom mentioned how she like to date a lot and I couldn’t grasp that. Of course, she does need to have her rushes, like with her chain smoking, to get by.

      It might me just me, but I don’t like dating, either. Why should I enjoy dating when it’s likely someone I won’t care for (to put it nicely) sooner than later? All those free dinners I handed out way back when did me no good! Same with travel, as you allude to. If you’re the type who like to spend fifteen hours getting somewhere, great. It’s not my thing.

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