Where Be The Men?
I’ve had a few recent phone conversations with a Miami-based matchmaker, Dan Silverman. Unlike the vast majority of matchmakers, this is a guy. Also making him rare in matchmaking circles, his paying clients are men. Yes, heterosexual men. Dan got his start in the dating coach business and has branched out into matchmaking. He’s been in the dating advice business for quite a few years. He knows his business well and has been successful at it. This shows his advice works. It works because he accurately knows the predictability of human beings in the context of attraction and dating.
In our conversations, he indicated one of the challenges he faces in his business. His problem is not women. Actually, he has a surfeit of single women. For his live singles events, he has a veritable plague of single women. The problem is men. This is not a problem of individual men. Dan’s problem with men is the general nature of contemporary men. The Y chromosome cohort just isn’t social enough and this is not healthy for the singles business. It’s also not healthy for singles trying to meet the opposite sex out there in meet space without any help.
Having a talk with a professional and successful dating information expert confirmed what I have learned about post-divorce single men. Too many of these men are simply not visible to women because they are socially isolated and when they do get out and about, they are invisible to women. I’ve covered both topics and will continue to do so.
What makes this more significant is the downstream impact of masculine social isolation and invisibility on dating professionals. Dan the dating coach and matchmaker is certainly one example. The masculine pathologies also affect speed dating organizers. I have been asked to attend those events for free in order to fill an available empty seat for guys. At the time, I found that to be rather astounding. But through my research, I learned at the time about masculine social isolation. This meant the lack of men attending made unfortunate sense.
As for the matchmaking element of Dan’s business, the same types of problems exist for him. A bit of the of the difficulty lies in the fees involved. Good matchmaking is not cheap. The process requires time, effort, and the ability to understand and analyze people. Knowledge and time are quite justifiably worth the expense. Understandably, not every man can afford the fees. But once Dan hooks a potential client, it’s not hard to get that client to sign a contract. It’s finding those potential clients that presents the problem. Fortunately, matchmaking is a growing business.
Dan’s personality is very outgoing. He learned through his dating coach services that approaching women in person leads to success. With that in mind, he has absolutely no problem finding single women to add to his database of potential dates for his own clients. He knows his marketing strengths and wisely capitalizes on them.
“But where are the men?” asks Dan when he’s scouting for potential clients. That question is also asked by so many women who are far more willing to go out and be social or even hire a matchmaker. Dating coaches ask that same question. Before that question can be effectively addressed, it’s extremely important to rephrase it to make it more accurate:
“Where are all the suitable and attractive men?”
Even in a social environment where men actually show up is invisibility is a problem. The typical night club swarmed by hopeful young men is no guarantee that the typical young women will actually see such men. Women of a certain age typically do the same thing. They simply don’t see the men that are out in public. In both these instances, it’s a matter of the men not making the effort to stand out. Pick-up artists (PUAs) encourage men to “peacock” with clothes and style so that they stand out from the great mass of indistinguishable men. It’s sound advice.
It’s almost amusing that women seek out all sorts of advice and pay dating coaches. Women can certainly learn a thing or two about being more feminine. But until the men work on themselves by being more social and less invisible, all the self-improvement of women is all for naught. As a bonus, Dan the matchmaker and dating coach would end up doing more relationship and marriage coaching.
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