The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Honest Dating – Repost

[I don’t frequently repost, but this one was worth it. It’s sort of naive considering a woman’s hypergamy but I think central theme needs to be recognized]

My blog-buddy, A.B. Dada, recently tweeted out a link to his Facebook post about “low reward dating”. I’m not a big fan of Facebook so, with his permission, here’s his whole post and link here:

Here’s additional info on his policy regarding anti-copyright (I like it)

A guy trying low reward living in 2014 asked for dating advice in 2015. Guess his TV addicted girl-friend didn’t appreciate him saying no to wasting cash at the bars and foodie crackhouses anymore.

Low reward dating is different. It’s about bonding two people closer together. It isn’t about having fun as much as knitting two disparate threads together without knotting them up or fraying them.

I’ll be writing more about low reward dating throughout 2015, but I told him about a few date ideas:

1. Go to a thrift store together and pick up some cheap musical instruments that you aren’t talented at. It might takes a few thrift stores but you’ll find it. Commit to avoiding the clothing section. Then go home, or to a park, or to a local train station and jam together.

2. Read to her. Toss her cheek on your bare chest on the couch and pick a used book up and read it. Slowly. Use your diaphragm so she takes in the deepest vibrations from your voice.

3. Fishing combined with preparing a meal later from what you’ve caught. Learn how to gather wild greens, too. That’s a full day or weekend planned right there.

I never understood the modern premise of dating. I am going to take my hard earned money and my rare time and take a woman I am attracted to so that she can be wowed by better men than me? Sure, let me take you to a movie to gawk at the ripped actor who spent 16 hour days for 3 months to get in shape. Let me take you to the concert where the more confident guy on drugs is crooning on stage. Let me take you to the bar where the mixologist in a vest and bowtie is going to juggle fancy addictive chemicals for $15 each. Let me take you to a restaurant where an executive chef is slaving others to create an amazing plated experience with rare ingredients you never heard of.

Doesn’t make sense, modern dating. It’s shared consumerism, but it doesn’t make you the winner at the end of the night. You’re just the consumer that is paying with both time and money.

A.B. is spot on. However, I don’t like the term “low reward dating” because the connotations are too negative yet the concept is perfect. Dating must not be about sharing consumerist goals. Fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and weekend trips sets up terrible future expectations and patterns. As A.B. states, dating is a fundamentally a bonding experience. While courtship is part of it, if the relationship goal is to have an satisfying and intimate relationship then it’s best to focus on the bonding element.

I prefer the term “honest dating”. That’s the process where two people get to know each other with shared activities and conversation without all the overhead of consumerism. If either the man or the woman expect such consumerism, neither party can expect real intimacy. Sure, they’ll enjoy some sexy-time and if that’s what they both want, bonus!

Honest dating is a great filter for winnowing out women who are more concerned with security than forming an intimate bond. Men must have a list of inexpensive but interesting date ideas so he can spend time with his date(s) and not be worried about impressing them with cash and prizes. Here’s the bottom line: charisma trumps cash. A trip to the zoo has more opportunities for wooing a dame than any fancy restaurant or gift of a handbag. If she mistakes a handbag, jewelry, or a fancy dinner for intimacy, she can hope the those things gives her intimacy in return.

[If you liked this (re) post, please support me through my Patreon, thanks!]


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10 thoughts on “Honest Dating – Repost

  1. Pingback: Honest Dating – Repost |

  2. Great post.
    Don’t be the guy that only brings a wallet to the table. It’s like being a woman who only brings the vagina. As much as men like to curse female hypergamy, it amazes me how many men will brag about how much money they make, buy expensive presents in the early stages of dating, and then complain about the type of women that they attract, I was presented with a brand new i phone once. On a first date, (I get that my land line was a source of frustration, lol, but I’m funny that way, Being accessable 24/7 is for other people.) bottom line, I couldn’t accept it. I’m not going to oblige myself to someone I hardly know,

  3. Corey on said:

    I never understood the modern premise of dating. I am going to take my hard earned money and my rare time and take a woman I am attracted to so that she can be wowed by better men than me?

    One of my relatives is really good at hooking up with women, but fails with relationships. It usually ends when he takes her to a bar, club, or concert, and there’s either a big fight afterwards or she starts flaking. I’ve always blamed it on alcohol and drugs, but now that I think of it, it’s probably because those environments trigger hypergamous instincts.

    It’s not just the bartenders and musicians you gotta worry about. It’s the other patrons eyeing her up and/or hitting on her while you’re getting drinks or in the bathroom. Even if she never hooks up with those dudes, it’s never good for the woman in a relationship to have an ego boost like that.

  4. There are two sides to hypergamy–either hotter dudes (for sex) or men with more bucks (for relationships). Either can be a threat if you want a relationship. Some women have greater inhibitions to hypergamy, of course, and may mitigate their hypergamous inclinations by mateguarding themselves (i.e., avoid strange men).

    • Which is why cheap dates and minimal investment alone wont leave you with women looking for intimacy. Skittles anyone? Creating opportunities for bonding creates intimacy. Intimacy will still require an investment by both people over time and trust. Just not an upfront one. If you were a business owner, you wouldn’t provide a benefits package until three month minimum. You’d want to see if that person does what they say, shows up, or is flaky, untrustworthy, or a general shit disturber. Dating is no different. Though, I do the same thing as a woman. I don’t expect declarations of love, providence, or protection with minimal investment. But then again, I’m not going to make declarations of love, provide sex, or nurturance on minimal investment. Though, by three month’s if you haven’t seen an escalation or culmination of these things, cut him/her loose.

      • GeminiXcX on said:

        So what happens if his money suddenly disappears through no fault of his own (Eg: economic downturn, sickness, accident). Do you still cut him (her) loose?

        Jobs and resources can disappear overnight. A man’s income must have no bearing on the bonding process. If it does, then what is the “bonding” actually based on, and why?


      • No. If a man’s resources dry up for those reasons, then no. But, I’m going to be obsevant as to whether or not this is the case, or if other factors are at play. I’m also going to be observant about how he handles this situation on a mental, emotional and physical level. As much as women are security orientated, financial devastation can cause men to completely self destruct. I’m going to be looking for emotional maturity and the perseverence to still be a man with a plan, (It’s a character thing,) I’m also going to look for a spirit of generosity. A willingness to share what he can. Even if that means something that he’s grown in a garden, But, yeah, it has to be resource based. Again, it’s a character thing, but it’s also one of requirement for a MAN to feel and display bonding to a woman. Keep in mind, most bonding isn’t going to require monetary resources. Reading to each other, conversations, dancing , or what ever your imagination can come up with,

  5. Dating is part of mating. Flirt, create comfort, validate appropriately, and defuse drama. I wrote a post about managing relationships. The same goes for dating.

  6. GeminiXcX on said:

    “dating is a fundamentally a bonding experience. While courtship is part of it, if the relationship goal is to have an satisfying and intimate relationship then it’s best to focus on the bonding element.”

    More like ‘dating is supposed to be a fundamentally bonding experience.’

    Hence why “modern” courtship foundations have no solid ground.

    You “bond” through continual expressions of the man endearing his wallet for expensive gifts and outings.

    Then comes the plans for her ‘outdo-her-friends’ wedding, including the big rock on her finger that ‘proves how much he loves her’, or some such foolishness.

    Once the lavish reception and jet-set honeymoon is over, what do you have left?

    Oh that’s right, engage in the “rat race” as a married couple; where the man’s wallet evolves from dating expenses, to mortgaging a house, and filling that house with Western crap, (all the while making sure wifey is decked out in gifts and his kid(s) have the latest styles and I-crap.)

    “Every bride dreams about her wedding day!” — Not quite. “Every dumbass chick dreams about her wedding day.” — That’s better.

    A real woman dreams about her wedding MAN, and how she will prove herself to such a man.


  7. GeminiXcX on said:

    [If you liked this (re) post, please support me through my Patreon, thanks!]
    rePatreon?!? — Get outta here! I already bought this post on 8-track, LP, and cassette. Do I really need to be guilted into buying the CD too?

    Anyways, thanks for the CD, er, repost, PM.


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