The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

What Men Want From Women – Repost

[Note: I posted this over three years ago.]

Deti, a regular commenter on a variety of blogs wrote this in a comment on the Haley’s Halo blog post last year. It’s quite the comment and worth reposting but with a title:

What men want from women:

We want you to celebrate with us when we’ve triumphed.
We want you to help us through when we’re down.
We want you to stay with us when we’re down.
We want you to not be constantly looking for a better model.
We want you to encourage us when things aren’t going well.
We want a simple, heartfelt “I love you” at the end of a tough day.
We want you to show us and tell us that we satisfy you sexually.
Wa want you to show us that we are still attractive to you physically.

A man NEVER gets tired of hearing from his woman how great she thinks he is. NEVER. You can’t say it enough. If you do say it, you will have his undying love.

He will work himself into an early grave at a job he hates for you and your children. He will gladly throw himself in front of speeding cars for you. He will gladly lay down his life for you. He will give you all he is, all he has, all his money, and all the resources he can bring to bear.

And all he asks in return is for tenderness, a pleasant disposition, physical affection at reasonable intervals, and that you stay with him.

Why is that so hard to figure out?

It’s hard for women to figure out because of the vicious circle of lies and misinformation and the thin social mist of misandry.

More good stuff from Deti, here.

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14 thoughts on “What Men Want From Women – Repost

  1. Olivia Stocum on said:

    Reblogged this on Olivia Stocum and commented:
    I stumbled across this post from The Private Man. It goes well with my post, The Romance Novel in Polite Society. Go check it out!

  2. I like your blog and Deti, actually. And the super not-fun truth is boring economics—the “price” of gallant men is (even now) incredibly low. Women aren’t confused; they don’t need to “figure it out.” They know. I don’t blame them. They are rational actors in a market environment. And Deti needs to get laid, although I believe his convictions might hamper such things.

    Misandry and man-hate will be finished and gone sooner rather than later (thankfully), I’m pretty sure. But yeah, for now, be careful about who you sign legal agreements with. Buy condoms.

    • True. It’s not that women can’t figure this out, as Deti implies. It’s that they simply don’t care.

      • Ited on said:

        Au contraire, they do care. Very much so. But not in the way Deti would like.

        Nearly all of the scenarios Deti envisions boil down to a weak or defeated male seeking maternal succor from his lover.

        This is pure male hamster.

        Coddling a fledgling loser-with-potential male is the role of a mother, perhaps an aunt or sister, but not a lover.

        Comfort-seeking behaviors– like the cry to “help us through when we’re down”– are extremely ugly in a mate. Indulging them is a distressing waste of reproductive potential… and very, very unsexy to a normal woman.

        Structuring our society to require long term sexual pairing with marginal males, who will inevitably demonstrate these sorts of failures time and again, is one long dance with disaster. It only works when women have no other options: placate nasty Beta, and bear his marginal offspring, or face personal ruin.

        Enforcing this unfortunate arrangement may be the only way to build an advanced civilization, but obviously it is not congruent with women’s instincts. (See the rising perils of bastardy and single motherhood.) Nor is it particularly satisfying for them. (See feminism.)

        Imploring women to ignore their gut and act against instinct is just dumb, especially in the context of a still-wealthy, post-feminist atomized “it takes a village” society. If there is no immediate incentive for them to tolerate a weak man’s blundering, “We want you to show us and tell us that we satisfy you sexually. We want you to show us that we are still attractive to you physically,” so they simply won’t do so. Because it’s gross.

        Why Deti doesn’t seem to get this, I don’t know. Must be cognitive dissonance.

      • Even the alphaest alphas want the things Deti listed, the difference is that they want them only from the top women.

        On a different note, your comment is probably very indicative of usual mainstream discourse on sex differences. You make correct points, which is something lots of people cannot even do, but you can’t make them without snarkily dismissing universal male preferences as contemptible and gross.

        It’s perfect proof that women, indeed, do not care.

      • Ited on said:

        I am not a woman. But I empathize with them.

        Our social edifice is made by and maintained by men, to serve men’s long-term interests. It sacrifices male productivity, men’s lives, for female comfort and survival. The pay-off is expanded male reproductive opportunity and, critically, unambiguous lineage.

        Women’s objectives are orthogonal. Lineage is valueless (as it is necessarily unambiguous: that eight pounds of wet, screaming flesh that dropped out of you is definitely yours), and male reproductive opportunity must be narrowed, confoundingly to Deti and co., to the best possible specimens.

        What they want is alpha. All other considerations are secondary at best, even personal comfort and their children’s welfare. (See abortion and the carnage produced by babymomma-hood and the American family court system.) Men almost always fail to understand this.

        On the whole, women would be happier in matriarchal society, living in grass huts or longhouses or sewage-reeking favelas or the burnt-out husks of suburban section eight housing. As long as they get drama, the occasional shiny bauble and muh dik. That’s it. Seriously.

        They don’t want what we have historically demanded of them.

        Our predecessors fucked up big time by heeding their complaints and handing them the reins. Enjoy the decline.

      • I’d say that’s a correct assessment. I’d propose a few corrections though:

        Our social edifice is made by and maintained by men, to serve *women’s* long-term interests. It sacrifices male *comfort*, men’s lives, for female comfort and survival. The pay-off is expanded male reproductive *duty* and, critically, unambiguous lineage.

  3. I relish this blog. I read the posts and reader comments that truthfully make me wince, but, provide perspective on a topic that is personally relevant for a couple reasons.

    The first, is relevance with regards to my future. I am a 46 year old woman who has been married and has grown children. Frankly, I did not manage my marital relationship well as a young woman who married a man who was 30 when I was 19. He treated me well, was an excellent provider and good father. 10 years into the marriage, at 29, I was guilty of having many of the traits echoed within the words I read, here. Despite having recognized it, the damage had been done. Today, I am willing to accept that I will likely never marry, again. Since I am of the opinion that marriage is the domain for establishing a family and home, marrying at this stage in my life or beyond wouldn’t serve any social purpose. Perhaps, it would be offered as a gesture of some other kind, but, even if it were, I would need to consider carefully.

    I don’t believe I was fit to marry when I did with what I knew. The role model I had was a woman who embraced the values of pop culture circa 1969-1979. I was a latch-key kid. My mother was the epitome of the disasters of feminism. To an extent, I was a casualty of her example. At some point, information became available and if I was given sufficient intelligence to evaluate this information, then it was my responsibility to determine what I would do with it.
    Truth is often not palatable. It is easy enough to rationalize oneself all around it without ever aligning to it. The problem of course is that a person unaligned with the truth is by definition off point. The truth is a straight line that doesn’t deviate. It serves as the ultimate measure of oneself. No wonder it’s not often a welcome visitor.

    In any event, by failing in marriage I failed as a mother. That’s simply the truth. My children suffered as a result of my not being competent for marriage and raising a family within it. I cannot go back in time and apply the information I have, today, to what was already done. However, what I can do is raise my voice and tell my daughters what they must know if they expect to successfully marry and raise children of their own. This is an example of some of what I have actually instructed to my daughters:

    1. Have and show respect for yourself and for others. Don’t waste anyone’s time, including your own, indulging what is in fact petty and unimportant. Feelings are not facts. Emotions are fluid. They change sometimes for reasons that are unrelated to whatever it is you have assigned them to. Therefore, check yourself before demanding anyone spend time addressing your emotional states. You’re confused when emotional and will only confuse the other person. Get clear on managing your feelings before attempting to introduce facts. Remember, feelings are not facts. Your feeling bad does not make it fact that what you have bad feelings about is bad.
    It may or may not be. Feelings are useful as instruments to guide your initial sense of direction towards that discovery but they are only as useful as they are correctly understood.

    2. If you want to have a happy marriage to a man you find desireable, you cannot expect from him what you should be finding in your relationships with other women. Your husband is not your best girl friend. If he is, you can expect that eventually the marriage will fail because one day you will think you married someone you no longer desire. This will be your fault. You married a man and then expected him to perform as a woman. What did you expect would happen once the man you once desired for being masculine was emasculated by your demands from him to be more like a woman? Don’t go to the hardware store to buy bread. Whatever it is that is satisfied by your friendships with women needs to remain there. Not in your marriage. Similarly, don’t expect to fulfill the role of being a man’s best buddy. Men need to have relationships with other men and you don’t need to like or understand them. You do need to honor and respect those that are made.

    3. Sex is not a weapon. It is not a bargaining device. Sex is not owned by you once you marry because you can refuse it. You better get this straight in your head: during marriage, sex is a mutually owned venture. It feeds the engine of your marriage. If you intend on staying married to a man you desire and who wants to remain married to you, you will be generous when feeding the marriage. Sex is the gift of renewal to a married man. It tells him he is on track. He’s man enough for the job. He can slay tigers and conquer enemies. Refuse a man this and you can expect him to eventually leave where he isn’t appreciated.

    4. Men and women desire one another for their differences. Men, generally, are attracted to women because of their femininity. Being feminine is neither a weakness nor a tool for manipulation. To be feminine, simply, is to embrace those unique qualities inherent to being female: soft, relationship conscious, loving & alluring. This isn’t to suggest that men are not loving, alluring, etc.. It is to emphasize that men do not desire (generally, and this is speaking to heterosexual men) what is considered masculine, such as physical strength, competetiveness, solution oriented and territorial. It is counter-productive to compete with a man you are in a committed relationship with. Men compete to win. That means a man is wired to crush his opponent. Avoid being your partner’s opponent.

    5. Emotional blackmail, like desperation, is not a good look on anyone. Check your motives. Check your words and behavior. Have integrity. Sometimes, women may resort to verbal weapons because this is perceived as a substitute strength. Most women would be at a physical disadvantage if they managed their disputes with men via fist fights. Men, in general, are simply physically larger and stronger. However, consider this: if the relationship requires your employing weapons to manage it, you may be failing your relationship by being the creator of discord that was avoidable. Just think about it when you find yourself sabotaging your relationship with your words.

    Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? What’s actually important?

    I appreciate the forum and thank you for the opportunity to contribute an additional voice.

  4. I share the same sentiment shared in this posting. To hear the words “I love you.” from a woman has yet to happen for me (29yo). My heart craves to hear it in return, as secretly I have whispered it about a few individuals that have passed through my life.

    Some say I don’t love myself and need to love myself before I can be loved by others. Which I find to be complete bullshit because if I didn’t love myself I wouldn’t consider trying to love another person. On most any typical day, you can find me pouring into dozens of people. Encouraging them and building them up.

    I dont expect someone to settle for me. I expect that they will realize I am incomplete person just like they are. I don’t pretend to know all the facets of life, and I am more than willing to grow to her needs where I fall short. So I will boldy try to include you into my life… and hope you recognize my worth.

    I know who I am, and I know what I want, and I want your love above all else.

    • Married Man on said:

      Yolanda, men need and want respect. You women want and need love.

      Men and women are not the same. That stupid idea from the 70’s has caused a lot of pain for a lot of people.

  5. I love this blog. I think it points out the obvious. That men need and want love from us just as much as we need and want love from them.

  6. It works if the man is somewhat confident and competent in life. It encourages love and bolsters both the man and woman.. It’s a disaster otherwise. It encourages more and more comfort seeking and even self destructive behaviour in the man. Over time, the man would lose attraction too. His wife or girl friend would increasingly have to be the strong emotional rock in the relationship, and subconciously, that equates with “mother” in the male mind.

  7. Pingback: The Private Man

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