The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Ladies, Compliment Him

As many of my readers know, I’m on Twitter. I follow over 1,000 accounts, including many dating coaches. One of my favorites is Bobbi Palmer, based in California. She wrote in a 2012 blog post,  “10 Tips for Talking to Men

Number seven is particularly relevant here.

7.   Compliment him.
I bet you do this with just about every woman you meet. Men love to be complimented, yet women rarely do it. Be the gal who tells him he picked a great restaurant, looks hot in his black jacket or cracked a great joke. Tell him you 100% agree with something he says. Complimenting men on their mind and wit is usually far better received that doing so on their appearance. [Especially at our age!]

I thenTweeted about that:

Men love to be complimented yet so few women do it. #facepalm #dating

I got some good follow ups from that, this from :

it’s always struck me as odd how miserly women can be with compliments

Here’s a Tweet from very cool Twitter follower,

Gave my best male friend a series of compliments last night on phone, no reason. He was totally stunned.

Yup, men aren’t used to such things. I know that Mina was genuine with her compliments and I’m positive that she’s positively effusive when gives her husband compliments.

I can speak from experience on this. The women I became the most drawn to and most emotionally invested with are the ones who willingly and happily gave me compliments. That made me feel good. The others, I can’t even remember their names at this point. Guys, look at it this way, she may kiss you and sex you up, but if she’s not complimenting you in any way, she’s simply not into you.

Consider these two post-coital phrases uttered by the dame:

“That was wonderful!”

“You are wonderful!”

There’s a huge difference there and men must know the difference. The first phrase is about her. The second phrase is about him. That second phrase, my dear readers, is what men should be looking for regarding something long term – if that’s what you want.

Rollo, from The Rational Male blog (and books), had a very interesting Tweet that somewhat disagreed with my about compliments assertion.

“Compliments = IOIs [Indicators Of her Interest in the man). 80%+ of men are Betas, thus compliments are a rare. Can’t have Betas get the wrong ideas.”

I definitely see his point. It’s true that women are only attracted to the top 10% of men. Consider the Fuck, Marry, Kill game. If complimenting that top 10% gets a lady what she wants, why bother with the rest?

The problem with this is age. That game is great for 20 and 30 somethings. Once the Rubicon of 45ish is passed, everything changes. That middle group of “marry” starts looking a whole lot more attractive. But if a woman is only used to complimenting the top 10%, that yellow category gets rather jaundiced. Worse, they learn to become middle aged Lotharios or simply vanish from the dating scene because of social isolation. Women do the same, unaware that a simple and pleasant compliment to a man can do wonders for him. Remember this?

That total stranger’s random compliment to me then motivated me to blog about it. It was a completely and brief encounter that I still remember after over three years. I’d still recognize that woman even now. She had some serious woman-game going on.

What’s wrong with reinforcing a man’s confidence through a compliment? Women adore confident men. The compliment is the opposite of the shit test where a woman tests the mans adversity by artificially creating that adversity by herself. Ladies, we’re post divorce now. You’re too old for that terrible emotional fuckery you perpetrated before things got, well, older. You know exactly what I mean.

However, a compliment to a man isn’t always genuine, some men know this. The first conundrum lies in the exploitation problem. A woman may compliment you merely because she wants something from you other than romance and intimacy. Rather the compliment is awfully disingenuous collection of words meant has barely hid emotional manipulation. White Knights are incredibly susceptible to this. “Oh, Brad, you’re so strong and I really need help moving this weekend.” Brad, the fucking moron, finds himself walking up and down three flights of stairs with heavy furniture and boxes, all for a manipulative compliment while his desire for intimacy is selfishing exploited by cupcake.

All is not lost, thankfully. Another form of compliment is spontaneous and genuine physical affection with a man. It doesn’t have to be a night of wild passions, in can be a simple manner of holding his thigh when you’re sitting with him at a restaurant. Better yet, a spontaneous – even if brief – kiss on the lips will do it. Ladies, compliment your attraction to him by being physically affectionate to him. This ain’t rocket science. Human beings are predictable.

The second conundrum is the man can’t ask for such compliments, especially through passive means.  If a guy’s been on a 5th or 6th with a woman where there is clearly mutual attraction and vibrant (if only potentially for now, sexuality), he still has to maintain his frame. “So what do you like about me?” is the question a woman asks, never a man. Such a question from a man kills the ladyboner faster than his impending layoff from work. A confident man makes statements. “I know why you like dating and I know you’re going to tell me in the next five minutes.” Her answer might be something like, “you’re an arrogant jerk!”. But all the while she’s massaging your thigh and smirking. The smirk and thigh rub were the response, you bonehead! Actions over words.

In conclusion, women must stop being so miserly with their compliments towards men, especially in the context of attraction and dating. Ladies, a compliment won’t lead to an awkward rejection later on, especially if you’ve decided to a good guy. There are zillions of them out there, they’re just invisible to you. Thankfully, I have a cure for that.

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13 thoughts on “Ladies, Compliment Him

  1. Excellent. Thank you. Well Done!!!!!!

  2. Interesting viewpoint… the golden ratio ( ie the 2/3 rule) works wonders.
    For every 3 compliments she gives me, I give 2. Every 3 texts, I send 2 etc etc.

  3. Compliments to the one you love are the the gentle drops of rain that fall on the garden of your relationship. They should be as plentiful, free, and sincere as Spring sunshowers. 🙂
    At least, that’s how me and mine treat them.
    Simple “thank yous” are also amazing.

  4. Reblogged this on Trolling the Class and commented:
    I have always felt that there was a bit of a double standard with what women can and DO get away with. Compared to men. This article sums it up perfectly, it is a great bit of advice for women out there.

  5. Pingback: A Compliment wouldn’t Hurt | Trolling the Class

  6. Pingback: A Compliment wouldn’t Hurt | Trolling the Class

  7. hodor on said:

    Because compliments are currency, and she’s trying to hoard.

  8. Watch a woman’s reaction when you ask them, “Have you ever given a guy flowers?”

  9. Here in the northern half of the western hemisphere, most women who are in any kind of “committed” relationship with a man would sooner eat their used tampons than give a him any kind of compliment.

  10. Pingback: Admiration & Respect |

  11. There’s an oldie (but goldie-LOL) technique of female seduction called the “You’re Wunnerful” technique.

    You do just what it sounds like: you compliment a guy on something.

    It was published back in the 70s bya woman named Marabel Morgan. She was brazen enough to suggest that a woman ought to seduce her man back in the heyday of bra-burning radical feminism, and was reviled and laughed at all he way to the bank . . . her books became best sellers.

    If you want a blast from the past, you could look for The Total Woman (1973) or Total Joy (1983) in vintage bookstores.

  12. I came here looking for answers. I think I’ll have to stick to the notion that the person I’m seeing is far too neurotic for me. I find him admirable, intelligent, and attractive. I have been complimenting him as a form of flirtation, as a way of building intimacy, as a confidence builder that reinforces my attraction, and as a way of letting him know that I’m genuinely into him. Last night, however, he delivered a powerful blow when he told me that he hates being complimented on anything (work, looks, intellect, character, et. al.), and he’d like me to stop. (We work together btw.) It was painful. I don’t think I want to be in a relationship in which I cannot express how I feel about my partner. I don’t even know how to censor myself in that regard. I compliment people in general because I enjoy having the confidence to do so. But in a relationship, positive feedback is very important to me. I like feeling like I’m walking with a king, even if the man doesn’t look or act the part; the important thing is that he’s a prize to me, and I want to feel the same, like he feels the same about me. My partner’s words deflated me, breaking the magic. I know that the people I’ve dated long-term weren’t perfect, but they were perfect for me (at the time). Anyway, he went on a tirade about how pathetic he is, and that made me feel like a loser for being with him. I can’t see the relationship continuing. Who wants to be a loserette, holding hands with the king of loserdom? I feel devalued.

    • Anyway, he went on a tirade about how pathetic he is, and that made me feel like a loser for being with him. I can’t see the relationship continuing. Who wants to be a loserette, holding hands with the king of loserdom? I feel devalued.

      Hey there, Kali. Name’s Tarn.

      I also have a lover who has been known to degrade himself. He’ll make comments like “I’m unlovable”, “God, I’m such a dumbass”, “I have no friends”, etc. It’s much easier for him to compliment others than to accept ones himself.

      The thing is, none of what he says is true.
      He is lovable, because I love him.
      He isn’t a dumbass, he just makes mistakes like everyone else.
      He actually does have a good number of friends, they just live more than 2 hours away and/or are busy with new jobs and their small children.

      The problem is that he has chronic depression, and it fucks up his self-esteem when it gets bad. But it doesn’t actually mean he’s a “loser”, just like it doesn’t mean your man is a “loser”. What it *does* mean is you need to decide if you can be strong for him when he’s like this. I am more masculine-minded, so it does not bother me at all to be my man’s rock when he needs stability and to be reassured he really is “good enough”.

      It’s now up to you to decide if that’s a type of strength you have or not.

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