The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Online Dating – The Validation Queen

I’ve been doing online dating for over a decade, off and on.  I’ve read thousands of profiles, male and female alike. I have sent out hundreds and hundreds of messages to single women with online dating profiles. My response rate, as for most men, is relatively low. This, I can accept. But the most frustrating element is the “validation queen”. It works something like this:

The outgoing message: [Clever opening, short message, call to action]

Her response: Thanks so much, I like your profile.

The response:  Glad you liked it, we should actually meet. The purpose of online dating is to stop online dating.

Her response: [Radio silence]

This happens often. Sometimes, there might be another digital interchange and a phone number is offered up for a text or phone call. The text or call never happens. WTF?! Congrats, you’ve found a validation queen. Before my readers get all annoyed, I can only say, relax. Validation queens are common and must be expected. Perhaps she reconnected with an old boyfriend in the interim. Maybe she simply chickened out of online dating. The emotionally healthy response is to just move on. Blocking such a dame is also recommended. Men should not waste their time.

A man has NO control over the validation queen phenomenon. Repeated messages won’t work. The woman is using online dating simply to validate her desirability, nothing more. She doesn’t want to date. She doesn’t want to meet men unless they are especially attractive physically. Most men aren’t so physically attractive so the incoming messages are just a feel-good exercise for her. This is the life for men doing online dating. Even worse, she’s already in a committed relationship (married!) but is too scared to seriously move on.

Even more frustrating is when the woman initiates the conversation, usually just a click on a button to indicate her interest. The man replies with a positive message and there is no subsequent response from her, ever. Doh! Settle down, boys. Women are basically timid and scared when it comes to online dating. They want their self esteem seriously built up. Doing that online is relatively easy and fun for them. The can ignore or block subsequent online interest from a fellow at their own discretion.

The validation queen is yet another reason why I no longer recommend online dating as the primary means of the “get a date” endeavor for men. Live events are far superior because it takes some serious gumption for a woman to attend such an event. It shows she’s serious about meeting a guy. It takes even more gumption (confidence!) for a man to attend that kind of event. Bonus for guys, dames like a confident man. Too many men retreat into online dating while the clever dudes are out at speed dating events or Meetup.com singles events. They’re the ones getting phone numbers and dates.

You’re welcome.

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4 thoughts on “Online Dating – The Validation Queen

  1. Good post. I see several problems with this follow up:

    “Glad you liked it, we should actually meet. The purpose of online dating is to stop online dating.”

    Try just sending a wink or doing some teasing. When she responds to the teasing invite her to some simple with a “lets” – lets [have drinks] sometime, (replace drinks with an activity), if she says she doesnt [drink], tell her she’s boring.

    * * *

    So what’s wrong with the follow up.

    “Glad you liked it”

    You actually shouldnt give a fuck if she likes it or not. Tease. “I know, Im the best”, “you’re not gonna stalk me are you”, “thanks, my [ex girlfriend] did it for me” – whatever. Do a han solo, she’s telling you she likes you, give her a chance to insist on it.

    “we should actually meet”

    Nothing wrong with meeting but several factors here can make this look needy. First, it’s just the follow up after she just said less than ten words – do you really want to meet her over of all the other hotties who want to bang you? what? you dont have other hotties wanting to bang you? you’re disqualified then.

    The “should” is a strong word – like duty, obligation, it has weight, but it’s worse because of this: “actually”, which makes “We should actually meet” sound like you’re already finding resistance on her when she’s giving you none so far – she complimented you a minute ago.

    You can invite her to something on the follow up, but you have to acknowledge that what you’re doing is fringe, like:

    “hey thanks! look… this is gonna sound completely random but I have a [karaoke cocktail party tonight ] at XXX and XXX and you look like you would make a good companion, wanna come and join?”

    I wouldnt advise that until later on but it can work as the follow up. Note the “you look like you would” which makes you the judge and gives her a role to fill – and a fun / validational one. If she accepts, she’s getting validation. Note the jump in quality from this to a “we should actually meet”

    Continues:

    “The purpose of online dating is to stop online dating.”

    The main problem with this is nobody gives a fuck about your philosophy of what the purpose of online dating is, well that’s a lie, your readers care, but she’s not your reader. The second problem is that this is not at all the purpose of women in online dating (her purpose is to find attention and high quality cock with a very low investment in a very safe environment) – so she’ll disagree and perceive you as being standoffish. The last problem with it, and probably the most charged one, is that by saying that you want to stop online dating you’re sounding jaded and tired.

    Compare to: “Online dating is fun!” “Im having fun meeting so many interesting people”, “the only thing that could beat online dating is being in a loving relationship, but Im not in a rush” – still, who cares?

    * * *

    Peace.

  2. Btw this reminded me of a dude who sent me a CV and the email said something like:

    “Im not just sending you my CV, I would also like to get an interview and get a job at your company” followed by a ramble of how time was passing and he was frustrated because everyone else was getting interviews and jobs but him. He didnt say this line but he could have:

    “the purpose of sending my CV is to stop sending my CV”

    And of course he got nothing.

  3. Yohami, Good ideas.

    Online and offline, teasing is a big part of whatever (little) charm I have. I don’t give raspberries or put gum in their hair or anything, but it’s playful, flirtatious, etc.

    Online stuff is a bit trickier– because the body language, tone, etc is not really part of the delivery. The only way that I’ve figured out to make up for that is make my profile exude non-neediness, sarcasm, lightheartedness, and a masculine tone. I just try to avoid the ‘Nice Guys of OK Cupid’ label…

    Knowing the extraordinary choosiness that women display (even if you garner replies), I ask her out once I sense a connection (too much time = flakiness). Also, I say things like “Let’s continue this offline. I am going to X bar on Thursday. You should meet me.” If wants to go she can either say yes or counteroffer (which happens often enough). If not, it’s not the end of the world.

    Honestly, though, picking up women in person is so much better. I learned most things about women from two of my brothers (one was extraordinarily flirtatious and the other was just bold), but I’ve picked up a few things from the Mystery method, Neil Strauss, David DeAngelo, Ross Jeffries, etc.
    My favorite places to meet women are clothes stores, bookstores, supermarkets, and coffee shops.

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