The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Abundance Mentality – An Unintended Consequence

There is much talk in the PUA (Pick Up Artistry) Manosphere about “abundance mentality”. This is the attitude that is recommended for men and it means that there is always a new woman or girl to replace the current one. It’s part of “spinning plates” where a man is dating several women concurrently. Fundamentally, it’s a good attitude for a man to take when dealing with attraction and dating. It’s a great antidote for “oneitis”, when a man becomes too attached and almost obsessed with a particular girl. So, with internalized abundance mentality, a man looks askance at any particular girl and is perfectly willing to send her off knowing that finding another girl is an easy possibility. Bravo.

Wait.

Hang on.

It’s important that a man understands his own relationship goals. If the relationship goal is to spin plates and have more girls in the pipeline, abundance mentality works perfectly well. If a man’s relationship goal is to have an exclusive relationship with one person, there is a serious downside to abundance mentality.

I’m fully aware that the PUA and MGTOW divisions of the Manosphere advise that a man never enter into an exclusive and committed relationship with a woman. With the wrong woman, this is excellent advice. The unintended consequence of such advice – when combined with internalized abundance mentality – is that ALL women become the wrong woman to commit to. The PUA and MGTOW advice completely ignores that large numbers of men actually do want to find one particular woman with whom to have a healthy, intimate, and committed relationship with. That’s a perfectly valid relationship goal and should be supported.

But with internalized abundance mentality comes the attitude that women, all women, are essentially disposable. The unintended consequence of such an attitude is that a man always finds something wrong with a woman. This, in turn, leads to an inevitable moving on to the next woman. The comparison is the single woman who actively finds reasons to reject a man.

Humans are fallible. It’s part of our nature. In the context of attraction and dating, the fallibility always rises to the surface after a period of time. With abundance mentality, that consistent fallibility becomes an instant reason to reject and walk away. Repeating that pattern makes it extraordinarily difficult for a man to meet his relationship goals if he wants a committed relationship. Perfectly wonderful women are pushed away, almost irrationally.

The solution to this problem is for a man to willingly overlook human flaws but still maintain certain boundaries. As a species, we’re far from perfect. We’re so far from perfect that it’s remarkable how we manage to reproduce. As men and women are different, women need to learn to be more tolerant and accept the flaws of men. For guys with CCCL (confidence, competence, charisma, and leadership), it means becoming more tolerant of the flaws of women and evaluating those flaws in the context of meeting relationship goals.

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10 thoughts on “Abundance Mentality – An Unintended Consequence

  1. “With the wrong woman, this is excellent advice.”
    +1

    One of the last things i wrote about was using RP knowledge to filter for the kind of woman you want to end up with long term (if that is your goal).

    Spinning plates is great for when you’re entertaining a bunch of women who all carry the same flakey behavior and operate under the implicit programming of the current gynocentric FI. Women who feel entitled to boy toys and sex on demand or paid dates and dinners, women completely oblivious to their own sexual power station in life, their own arrogant desires above all others, their open hypergamous tendancies… oh spin some serious fucking plates on these bitches.

    But on a ‘good girl’? (lol yes, i can see the roll eyes now but…)

    I’ve been in a relationship for well over 2 years now. If push came to shove, i could walk away. Would it hurt emotionally? ya.. but i could walk away. But by not carrying on like i have my finger on the button 24-7, i’ve allowed it to nurture into something meaningful. Disposability mentality isn’t conducive to an LTR. And it can’t be meaningful if it doesn’t carry some risk of hurt if it fails. There’s a fine line between hurt and being emotionally destroyed. Being a beta who requires the validation of a woman and can be destroyed by her rejection of him to the point of committing suicide is the extreme.

    I’ll add this. Forney is right. Filipino women are very redpill out of the gate. In over two years, without any coaching or instigation from me, she has blurted out and volunteered information that is very redpill in nature. It’s a no brainer we locked up exclusively as quick as we did.

    Always be ready to split in 30 seconds.. but lock it away when opportunity presents you with a keeper. Craft your game to match that which will make you most happy. In my case, sane and rational secular babe who is grounded in redpill reality and enjoys being and behaving feminine (allowing me to be masculine) was not something i would risk not locking down or alienating if i decided to go hard core abundance mentality and push her away.

    My 2 cents.

  2. I disagree. Abundance mentality does not mean that a guy is ready to jettison any LTR with the slightest provocation. What it does provide is an exit strategy.

    I am very happily married, but I do approach my marriage very differently because I know that I will not be forever alone if things completely implode one day.

  3. Depends on where you are in life, my relationship with my X lasted 24 years. When we met I was 32, I’d spent 16 years running the roads and was ready for a LTR/Marriage/Kids/Picketfence life. Back on my own at 56, now 60, my head is clear after four years of introspection. My kids, who have lived with me after the split are ready to leave the nest, my needs and outlook are now a lot different…I believe now that if your life is truly full of abundance, Mentally, spiritually and physically, women are near the bottom of the list of what you need in your life….Date enough women post 40 and you’ll understand.

    • Robert What? on said:

      @Ronin, being in my late 50s and close to divorce, I’d appreciate your elaborating on what it’s like to date women over 40.

  4. WhatsNew on said:

    When I read this:

    If a man’s relationship goal is to have an exclusive relationship with one person, there is a serious downside to abundance mentality.

    my reaction is that there is no greater “declaration of lower value” to a woman than aiming for an exclusive relationship with her.

    The rationale is clear: if a man wants an exclusive relationship with a woman, obviously she can do better than him. Because the wanting exclusivity means to her that the man thinks she is the best he can get, and no woman wants to feel the humiliation of getting laid with a man so unattractive that he is desperate to commit to her.

    What women want is the reassurance, the pride of knowing that the man they are fucking is the most popular player that they can get to fuck. For a woman that means that she is the least attractive woman he is still barely willing to pump-and-dump, and demonstrates this by being an uncaring asshole to her.

    • Johnny Doe on said:

      You mean well, but I think you’re trying to hard with all sorts of mental clusterfuck.

      Sometimes “good enough” is “good enough” and women can be strange creatures and be drawn to a man “just because”.

      My dad was no playboy. He was quite shy, to my surprise, but he was out of my life for a healthy chunk of it as well thanks to divorce. He LTRed two women in his 58 years on this planet. He’d mix in a STR on occasion, but while I am pretty sure he’d not stand out as a slayer using OLD, the women he did LTR with were completely ga-ga over him .

      I think you are getting at something with a man who obviously has low value who pedastalizes woman who are clearly lower value than him. That’s a losing battle. Finding a woman who shares your values and realizes you have high value (because you walk the walk) works out for both parties. I’d like to believe I am high value and bring a lot to the table or so I have been told. That doesn’t mean I have to live life ruining women with pump-and-dumps, since I believe in the Golden Rule.

      “For a woman that means that she is the least attractive woman he is still barely willing to pump-and-dump, and demonstrates this by being an uncaring asshole to her.”

      Me thinks you are doing this wrong, but hey…someone has to bottom feed in life.

    • nick on said:

      This makes no sense at all. Why do you think that women has no character and all they want is someone higher in value? This ozzing out insecurity of own value and need of the validation.

      Best of the best women are in Hollywood. I.e. most sexy woman or miss universe or miss world blah blah. Why don’t you want to marry them? Why don’t you go actively after them? They are the best ones aren’t they?

      There is always going to be someone better than you. Love, relationship and bond is not about who is more in VALUE but how much value you can CONTRIBUTE to each other’s life. Imagine your mother throwing you out for a higher value baby next to you in hospital.

      Its manly to say I LOVE YOU first. Its manly to go after what you want. Its manly to say I failed in love than I failed to fuck her. Its manly to say that “YES, I did love her and I screwed it up to lock her” even after 50 years. Its manly to accept that I am not the best man but I am a HELL of a man.

      This is what manliness looks like. Remember attraction to a person’s behavior is short lived but attraction for character is intoxicating. Man gives value and douches snatches the value away.

      Its your choice who you want to become?

  5. WhatsNew on said:

    I think that ThePrivateMan confuses abundance mindset with being picky when he writes “instant reason to reject and walk away”. Oh no.

    The abundance mindset is simply that a man with options cares about getting laid without not getting used by women, and that he does not care about any specific woman, not that he discards women too easily.

    Thus a man with options may well be satisfied with a particular option for a long time, as long as he does not care about keeping it if he is no longer satisfied, that is keeps his other options open. There is no hornier, dirtier woman than one who suspects her man is or could be fucking hotter women than she is.

    What the abundance mindset really says is that it is both futile and counterproductive to be invested in a relationship with a woman: futile because she decides about the relationship, and counterproductive because women in general think that they can do better than fucking a man who is so unattractive that he is willing to invest in a relationship with them.

  6. The sphere doesn’t have an abundance mentality. It has an entitlement mentality.

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