The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

An Instant Messaging Interlude

While I’ve been rather chilly towards online dating in the past few months, I haven’t backed away from it completely. I have a mostly inactive Plenty of Fish account that I use to reading womens’ profiles. Out of curiosity and demographic honesty, I actually checked out a somewhat new online dating website, OurTime. I created an account, copied over some of my PoF profile text, put up some photos (not the gun photo). I actually paid for a month to get all the premium features.

I’ve been logging in every couple of days for the past two weeks to get a sense of the singles online more into my demographic. The Ourtime user interface has some minor issues but is generally easy to use. There are visual indicators of who has viewed my profile along with the usual messaging features. My profile has gotten a lot of attention. This is probably because I’m the new kid on the block and my profile is pretty good. I’ve gotten about 20 flirts and pre-populated incoming messages. Over 200 women have viewed my profile. Every woman claims to be in her 50s. As is common, I’m only attracted to about 20% of those expressing interest in my profile.

A couple of women have been rather persistent with multiple emails, flirts, liking photos, etc. If I’m not attracted, I just ignore. If I’m attracted I reply with a quick message and introduce myself just to see if their interest is honest. Sometimes, my return messages are ignored. This is one of the many negative points regarding online dating. Interest is expressed, returned interest is ignored.

One woman actually sent me a long message. She wrote that she was under the impression my profile was satire. I responded that I was being serious about my writing for post-divorce singles. We corresponded back and forth a couple of times, nothing particularly romantic, just some words about attraction and dating in general. Very recently, I noticed she was online and available for instant messaging through Ourtime. Being a writer, I likes me to do some instant messaging.

We started a instant messaging conversation. The initial topic was about the geography problem with the website. While she is local to me, I get many matches from all over the country. At this point, she subtly escalated me. I accepted that escalation. Here’s the unedited and relevant part of our online conversation:

Her: So you wouldn’t travel a long way for a date?

Me: lol… Not a chance, there are 5 million people in this part of Florida.

Her: How many of them are females lurking around the corner for you?

Me: This question I will never answer. Discretion is the better part of valor.

Her: Under cover dating agent. badboy007 love it

Me: Actually, not undercover at all. I make no secret of my writing endeavors.

Her: You mean you are an agent that does not wants to be under the covers

Me: Hehehehe… I like your style. If you want to trade verbal moves, you have met your match.

Her: You think so? Maybe I did or maybe you did

Me: Oh, you can do so much better. Turn in your college degree and get a refund.

Her: I did and they gave it to me to pledge it to the less fortunate on Ourtime

Me: That was good.

Her: You can thank me now”-)

Me: I give you two points. That’s as far as my gratitude goes. I have very high standards.

Her: 2 points -How low can you go?

Me: I said HIGH standards. Ask about points 3 and above.

Her: asking about your point system now

Me: 1 point is maintaining my interest. 2 points is engaging me with the tit a tat with words. 3 points is making me hit google for quotes. 4 points is want to meet in person because of words and stuff. 5 points is a second date.

At that point, she logged off. Then I logged off.

She did log back in later and sent this IM:

“Sorry I had to log off I was called away. I got to point 4. Does this mean you want to have words with me?”

This woman was raised overseas so I’m sure she doesn’t fully understand the English idiom “Have words with”. The ball is my court now.

This brief back and forth between us shows some key elements in attraction and communication between the sexes, even if online. One of the lessons here is that a man must maintain frame and confidence. This means he controls the ebb and flow of the conversation. This is easy online because there are no body language and voice inflection issues. Those are just words on a screen. But frame, flirtation, and escalation can certainly happen in this communications medium.

This women is somewhat older than me and yet responded like a much younger woman. The rules of attraction do not change significantly with age. This is an important lesson for my male readers. 25 or 65, men can deal successfully with women in the context of attraction and dating if men know the essential truths.

UPDATE: This woman sent me a message yesterday with a mildly entertaining joke. I responded by continuing to qualify her with that point system. I double downed. In our subsequent IM chat later in the evening she was clearly pissed off, obviously not used to a man continuing to qualify her. I might post that IM chat log. Stay tuned.

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17 thoughts on “An Instant Messaging Interlude

  1. ” If I’m attracted I reply with a quick message and introduce myself just to see if their interest is honest. Sometimes, my return messages are ignored. This is one of the many negative points regarding online dating. Interest is expressed, returned interest is ignored.”

    I don’t understand this aspect of online dating. If a person keeps viewing your profile, sends messages, or otherwise shows they are interested in you…why the cold shoulder when it’s returned? Kinda nonsensical, IMO.

    “Double downed”?

    • because sometimes interest shown isn’t attractive… I know it sounds crazy, but some people like to chase – to go after people who are hard to get. Or they found someone more interesting (hard truth) and so once the interest is returned, they’re no longer interested in you.

      • I suppose that makes sense, but then why not be polite and respond to the returned interest? Let them know that you appreciate the fact they took time to message you, but a new avenue of potential has come up. Isn’t this the right thing to do?

      • Yes, that’s the right thing to do… or the polite thing. But ignoring it is the same as a woman ignoring a guy on the street… it’s a little offensive to him probably, but its her choice to engage him or not.

      • Lol, I don’t quite get why women do that either. Unless the guy in question is being exceptionally crude, I always give a friendly nod or a small smile. But I’ve seen other women stride forward, clutching their purses, looking grim or aggressive instead…Guess it’s just a matter of viewing the world differently.

      • Yea I usually reply in some way too… I’m just explaining why he might not reply back when he isn’t interested.

      • Yup, I get it now. People are raised differently, or even just react differently. It’s all part of being human… πŸ˜‰

    • Richard Cranium on said:

      I noticed the same thing in my Tinder experiment. At least a dozen matches never got past the initial “hey how are you” “I’m good what’s up” exchange. I don’t know if it was lack or interest, lack of manners or just them being overwhelmed with other potential suitors that anyone that doesn’t really stick out is quickly forgotten.

      Have been chatting with one for a couple of weeks though. Haven’t dropped the news though that I’m way under her minimum height “requirement” yet and for the record she hasn’t asked.

      • OMG height requirements???? wow!!!

      • Seriously, who even *does* that? I’m 5’7″, but I’d have no problem dating a guy who’s 5’0″ or even shorter. You should like someone for their personality, not for their height. Geez, high school mentality, much?

        Richard, when she does eventually ask, you should say you’re “tall enough that your feet reach the ground” like my shorter friends do. πŸ™‚

      • It’s very common in womens’ online dating profiles.

      • Well, no major offense to them…but they suck. A woman saying a man has to be X height in order to be dating material is like a man saying women need to be a DD or bigger to be datable. It’s one thing to admit you have preferences (everyone has them)…it’s another entirely to eliminate a potential good relationship due to something so insignificant.

      • Here are two downstream effects that occur when so many women online state a height requirements:
        1. The rise in singles meetup groups.
        2. The growth in the dating coach industrial complex.

      • Interesting. Are there other “requirements” that women usually put? What about men? I’ll admit that I made a okcupid account to see what it was like, but I never saw any male profiles with prerequisites.

      • Richard Cranium on said:

        It is a very real thing. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Nixon won the 1972 election in a landslide, winning 49 out of 50 states. Yet a writer for the New Yorker proclaimed “I don’t know how he won no one I know voted for him.” Back in my 80’s glam rock long hair days my father once told me he never saw any another guys with long hair. Of course both of those are untrue but the statements were made on their limited data and observations.

        Said that to get to this. You probably don’t spend a lot of time looking at women’s profiles on dating sites because I would assume you don’t have any need to. You should though just to see how the mindset is. Even the 3’s and 4’s have a virtual laundry list of demands that you must meet before you “waist their time” (misspelling on purpose). And the number one requirement is :drum roll:

        Must be tall.

        I would venture that 90% of the profiles mention height. That’s 90% that I’m automatically disqualified for being 5’5″ and 130 pounds. Is it shallow? Yup. Is it reality? Yup. I can’t explain or understand the mindset other than it’s some survival instinct leftover from the caveman days. A guy that looks like he’s still in the 8th grade doesn’t trip those triggers.

        From reading your postings you seem to be the exception rather than the rule but trust me it’s a reality. Only on TV does George Costanza exist, a short, balding guy that lives with his parents and doesn’t work steady that’s able to meet and date women in NYC that aren’t trolls.

      • @Richard

        Despite the fact that my FwB is 6’2″, I actually would prefer it if he was the same height as me, or maybe 2″ +/-. I have to stand on tiptoes to kiss him, or he has to lean down/be seated, and I really wish we could be more “face to face” when we walk around. Obviously I care deeply for him in spite of our height and weight differences (he’s also 130 lbs heavier than me), but I sometimes imagine what it’d be like to have someone closer to my size…

        I’ll have to take a look at female profiles when I’m home. Though thinking about it, I’ll probably be upset/disgusted if what you and PM say is true. 😦

  2. wingman on said:

    To any man challenged by height, go East. The less vertically endowed will find plenty-‘o-fish just left of the international date line. So I’ve heard.

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