The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “July, 2014”

If My Traditionalist Readers Only Knew…

I have a wonderful and diverse group of readers. They hail from all over the world and cover many different political and social outlooks. There is a group of readers who are firmly in the traditionalist, socially conservative, religious camp. Several times over my past years of blogging I have been called a tradtionalist, at least in regards to attraction and dating.

I’m not going to take umbrage at being called a traditionalist. It’s just a label assigned by commenters and to them, I do fit into a traditionalist mold. This is because I advise that women and men follow some basic guidelines regarding dating. Such guidelines do bear a passing resemblance to a few historical dating and courtship rituals. The similarities are merely passing. The biggest similarity between historic dating – prior to the sexual revolution – and what I advise is the process of dating. Yes, having a dating process isn’t particularly romantic.

My dating advice is updated to reflect social and technological changes. The technological changes are quite obvious with online dating and texting taking the lead. Tinder is sweeping through the pre-married crowd and may seriously impact the post-divorce demographic. I’m keeping an eye on it. The biggest social change is the financial independence of women. Gone are big, expensive, chivalrous dates. Shorter, casual, and inexpensive dates are the new dating normal. Meetup.com singles groups are a good combination of technology and social change. Singles in roughly the same age demographic can join a Meetup group online and then attend the actual events.

One of the biggest social changes is access to the raw truths about attraction. Men are using the Internet to learn about how attraction works and what they can do to increase their attractiveness. Quite a few men have sent me emails asking for advice or just wanting a sympathetic ear to hear their stories. Women are more likely to seek out a dating coach, either in real life or digitally. Attraction and dating blogs for men and dating coaches for women provide the same type of truths. Blogs for men are as diplomatic as a sledge hammer. Dating coaches for women cover that sledgehammer with lots and lots of softening diplomacy.

The women I’ve been involved with in the past would likely laugh out loud at the traditionalist label I have acquired. As The Private Man, I don’t reveal too much in the way of personal information. I will say that I don’t live a traditional life outside of dating. Discretion prevents me from going further. Women from my past would politely refer to me as a libertine without any shame. There are quite a few impolite adjectives that would be applied to me, as well. I’m taking so many secrets to my grave, my funeral will require two coffins.

Call It A Date, Dammit

One of the biggest mistakes a man makes after meeting a woman in real life is when he retreats on the nomenclature of dating. I’m often surprised that even the most confident of men refuse to call a date a “date”. Once a man has established and determined mutual attraction with a dame and he wants to see more of this woman, it’s his moral obligation to escalate to a real future date, not some other meeting where the two are simply hanging out together without any romantic expectations.

Here are some common phrases spoken by a man who is attempting to escalate to a date.  He is screwing things up with such phrases. My comments are in italics.

“We should get together sometime.”

Guys, the conditional “should” is weak and spineless and therefore unacceptable. As well, “get together” is meaningless. There is no expectation of romance.

“Let’s have drinks next week.”

This is better because it’s much more declarative. But where’s the romance? Imply romance, get romance. (Yeah, we know I am talking about, wink wink, nudge nudge)

“[Rock band] is playing next week, want to go?”

NO! I wrote about this.

“Are you free sometime?”

Never, ever end with a question. Confident men make statements and assume the date will already happen.

“Can I get your number?”

Again with the question…oy vey. Also, why would she give the phone number? She has no motivation because there is no future context such as a real date.

In my own life, my most recent date was secured by being firm with the nomenclature. I was out in the village walking my dog and I spied a blond sitting at the outside bar at a local restaurant. There was a vacant seat next to her. I sat down next to her and proceeded accordingly.  Laughs were had, drinks were shared, and a fine conversation occurred. Sure enough, there was quite a bit of mutual attraction.

At some point, I told blondie straight out “I’m really liking this, we’re going to have date.” I looked her straight in the eyes.

“We could hang out, that would be fun” she responded.

After all my practice and failing too many times, I knew the proper response here.

“No, we’re going to have a real date, I’ll take care of everything. It will be something simple.”

The blonde smiled. “OK, a date. I haven’t been on a real date in a long time.”

“That’s because most men don’t know how this works.” Yeah, that was my boasting and it sealed the deal.

Phone numbers were exchanged. Some texting happened before that date so as to avoid the flake factor. The actual date went smoothly and we had lots of fun. We’ve seen each other several times since then and we continue to enjoy each other’s company on real dates. Blondie now laughs comfortably when I tell her we’re going to have another date.

I certainly acknowledge that it puts a woman on the spot when a man sticks to his guns regarding the word “date”. I say good for the man who does this. The willingness to make a woman feel slightly uncomfortable is a major statement of masculine confidence. If she won’t go along with the “date” concept and only wants to get together in another context, the man shouldn’t accept that and simply stop trying for a date.

Regarding the post-divorce crowd, I’m surprised that there is so much resistance to using the correct vocabulary about dating. It’s understandable that we try to avoid romantic expectations because there is the risk of romantic rejection. But if either the man or the woman is unwilling to take that risk, that person is not ready for dating.

Post-Divorce Pickup Artistry For Men

To be honest, the type of advice I give to post-divorce men contains a few elements of Pickup Artistry (PUA). The attention PUA has received has recently increased significantly. PUA has received lots of criticism, mostly aimed at the PUA teachers and Manosphere blogs that target young men. As well, there are many businesses selling PUA “systems” where the marketing is simplistic to the point of ridiculousness. “Watch this video, get laid tonight” was the actual subject line of a PUA systems marketing email I once received. The whole Eliot Rodger tragedy was erroneously blamed on PUA because of his involvement with PUAHate.com, a website that is no longer online. For the woefully ignorant, “PUAHate” is against PUA. Facepalm, wow, just wow, I can’t even…

Another term related to PUA is “Game”. That word is relatively common in the part of the Manosphere where young men are found. As my audience is older with very different life experiences, I don’t anymore use the word Game and I avoid the term PUA. But it would be disingenous of me to claim I’m not advising elements of PUA and Game. Traditional Game and PUA for young men focuses a great deal on “closing”. The close can be getting a phone number, a passionate kiss, or a sexual encounter. That’s the traditional approach. Game and PUA has evolved quite a bit since the days of Mystery and David DeAngelo. The current approach is to teach masculine self-improvement, amongst other things.

Such self-improvement applies to men of all ages. I do urge my male readers to investigate the masculine self-improvement Manosphere blogs which cater to the under-30 demographic of men. Unfortunately, it might take a bit of digging because the Manosphere is not categorized well enough to steer my readers precisely. However, I open the comments to anyone who wants to make a recommendation. When making a recommendation for a particular blog, even your own blog, please include the URL; a description of that blog; and the demographics of the blog’s readership.

What I’ve observed in the typical post-divorce man is a distinct lack of self-improvement effort. I understand that it takes time and effort. Fortunately, such improvements work to significantly increase a man’s confidence. Such confidence  is a vital foundation for building up social skills and then adding the PUA skills. Combining the social skills with the PUA skills yields a man’s Charisma, the most important part of being attractive to the fairer sex. I’ve written about it previously. But this must be noted often: A man’s self-improvement must be about him, not just trying to attract dames. Guys, beware the Sodini effect.

A post-divorce man with confidence and charisma really doesn’t need too much in the way of PUA tactics. He does, however, need the ability to read a woman’s mood during the course of a hopefully flirtatious conversation. He also needs the willingness to approach women and to know the right context in which to do so. “PUA” for these guys is about situational awareness and adjusting accordingly, not a set of pre-produced routine tactics sold as a seduction “system”.

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