The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Courtship Lite!®

There’s a discussion going on amongst the “Olds” The discussion centers on courtship and the lack thereof. Matt Walsh fired off a blog post exhorting men to be better at courtship. Evan Marc Katz did much the same with one of his blog posts. The chivalry guy focuses a lot of his writing on courtship. As an old myself, it’s my turn to enter the discussion. Let’s keep it simple. If you’re under 30 and pre-marriage/LTR, courtship for you is dead. There are no rules, there’s pickup artistry (PUA) for the guys and sex-positivity for the girls. Relationships and sexuality for the youngs is a tinder-fueled bonfire of the vanities. My readers should breathe a sigh of relief for not being young anymore.

If you’re re-entering dating after divorce and you’re over 35 or so, we now have Courtship Lite!. The ritualistic courtship of yore (think 1950s) is well dead. It’s pointless to analyze why it’s dead because my readers already know why. In its place are simple guidelines for having good dates. CourtshipLite!® goes something like this:

1. Man and women start to communicate – face to face or via online dating.

2. A potential connection is made.

3. Man states (he never asks!) that he and the woman are doing to have a date.

4. She agrees.

5. The man plans a simple and modestly creative date and coordinates the schedule with her so the date is made.

6. The date happens. Attraction increases, comfort is established. A good time is had by both.

7. Repeat steps 5 and 6 until relationship goals are met or the two stop dating because, well, whatever.

Courtship Lite!® rejects grand and chivalrous gestures, fancy meals, or expensive gifts. It’s actually a pretty good system because it focuses on the two people making a connection. Dating is about the man and woman, not lists of requirements or lists of personal attributes. It should be a fun and relaxed experience. Those seven steps provide just enough structure without being too rigid. This also allows the man to take the lead in the dating process.

It’s unfortunate that Evan Marc Katz doesn’t have more men as clients because he is very realistic and very diplomatic. But men are generally unwilling to seek direct help. The dating coach industrial complex is powered by Estrogen!® So, frustrated men turn to the Internet and find the Manosphere and blogs like mine as they look for solutions to make dating easier.

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14 thoughts on “Courtship Lite!®

  1. Pingback: Courtship Lite!® | Manosphere.com

  2. Question about step #3:

    What if the woman is the one who states a date is imminent first?

    • I think most men would very much like that. But the top 10% of guys would likely be put off and most women prefer that the man take the lead in the dating process. If one of that majority of women stated that the date was imminent, in the back of her brain she’s thinking “this guy’s a wuss” and the dating would quickly fizzle unless the guy said something like “I agree, I’ll take it from here”.

      • Huh, interesting. My lover usually prefers that I make the arrangements; I’ll decide what restaurant to try, what movie to see, what snacks we’ll share, when we will meet after work, etc.

        Of course, there’s always room for compromise, though it happens rarely. For example, if I say “We’re getting Mexican food tonight” but he doesn’t feel like having spicy food or he had it for lunch already and would like to have Chinese instead, that is fine. We will either switch to what he wants because I’m easy when it comes to food (so long as a vegetarian option is available), or we order food from both places and eat at my home.

        Same with anything else really…I make most of the decisions and arrangements, but he always has the opportunity to alter it if need be. I like seeing him happy, so those few occasions that he wants to change something is no big deal whatsoever. 🙂 Then again, if I left things like reservations up to him they might not get done, lol. Damn ADD…

  3. Richard Cranium on said:

    Interesting that you post this the same week I had my first Tinder meetup. It’s just a byproduct of Dating 2.0, busy schedules and I’m sure some other factors.

    The whole concept of courting is an antiquated relic and should be done away with. It’s just a fancy word/concept for “dating.” No one in our peer group (hopefully) still holds to the mindset of having to sweep her off her feet, ask her father’s permission for her hand in marriage and propose on bended knee.

    Nowadays it’s just easy to meet up and see hey are we compatible do you look like your pictures and do I want to pursue this further and at most be out an hour at Starbucks and $10.

    Oh my meetup was hit and miss. Same age, divorced, 16 year old twin girls. But more than one red flag/pet peeve/deal breaker was revealed and I doubt I’ll want to meet up again. But hey nothing ventured and all that jazz and all I was out was a cup of coffee and some an afternoon.

    • Actually, you did go through a very truncated version of Courtship Lite!.

      Tinder you say? Expect an email from me.

    • @Richard

      Sorry to hear your meetup didn’t work out, but I agree with your point about not having to spend a huge amount of money on first dates. I recently went on a date with a guy (we didn’t hit it off…I wasn’t attracted to his scent and he wanted a more stable/semi committed relationship than I do anyway). But we still had a good time, and I am only out the amount I paid for drinks + brunch.

      I always thought that having a stupid-expensive first outing was dumb and unfair to whoever was paying…Glad to see such things are on their way out.

      • You can go on a brunch date because as a girl you can decide how much you are going to pay, and you will never get stuck with the entire bill if by chance you don’t manage the situation carefully. A guy does not have this luxury. He will generally know within seconds of meeting a girl if he wants to pursue anything with her, but if he isn’t attracted he still has to expect to pick up at least 1/2 of the tab, and maybe all of it if she’s a user. Plus it costs him 30-60 minutes to be polite even if he knew from the start that he wasn’t into her. So, for guys, brief and inexpensive is the way to go. Of course most woman are incapable of understanding this.

      • @J

        This is true, but only if a guy is going to be both A) completely honest and B) chivalrous. If he is a dishonest sort, a male could pretend to have left his wallet at home (certainly not a preferred way of handling it, but I’ve heard of such things). If he is afraid of being taken advantage of, he can let the woman know from the very start that he will not be paying for the entire meal. Then if she refuses, he can save himself time, money, and irritation and let her know he’s not interested even before they meet. “Courtship” nowadays doesn’t have to include chivalry…men no longer have to pay for everything.

        I paid for our entire meal and drinks ($35 total) because our previous conversations led me to the (maybe incorrect, maybe not) conclusion that my date doesn’t have as much disposable income as I do. I’m also used to grabbing the check since that’s what I typically do with my FwB…he pays tip, I pay check. Honestly, I didn’t even think of it at the time, it’s just second nature.

        As for the whole “being polite even though you’re not into them”, I do get that. I knew about 15 minutes into our 2 hour date that his scent did nothing for me. It’s a very easy thing to pick up on. However, I believe in being kind about such things and didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and so kept a pleasant and friendly attitude for the rest of our date. I did offer him oral sex at the end, but also kindly let him know I wasn’t interested in a relationship since I had no attraction to him. Unfortunately, he declined the sex but both of us agreed it was a good date and we had a nice time together. I learned a bit, and I’ve not dated in a long while, so all in all it was worth it.

      • Richard Cranium on said:

        It was no big deal T I’m just pretty much using it as an experiment nothing ventured, nothing gained. At best I have some fun at worst I have a good story!

        I think the whole dynamic is great for guys. Many, many guys (including myself) have invested way too much on a first/second date with nothing to show but a quick peck on the cheek and/or a brotherly hug at the end of the night. You can pretty much figure out fairly quickly if you want to spend any more time with the other person. I’m not suggesting that men are “owed” anything but it’s easier on the wallet (and psyche) with a quick meetup.

      • @Richard

        You know, that is a very optimistic way of looking at it. Good on you!

        Totally agree with you about the new courtship/dating dynamic. So many of my friends growing up were essentially taken for all they had at the time (expensive first dates, being shamed into paying for the entire evening, constantly asked for ridiculous gifts to “prove” their love…yuck), sometimes with amazingly little to show for it.

        While I don’t think a guy buying dinner necessarily = getting automatic sex, I’m still of the opinion that the guy deserves to be offered more than a hug and a goodbye. Either that, or women can get around the whole “owed” thing by paying for their half of the date.

  4. For the young ones like myself who wanted it, we do still have a form of courtship, though it’s radically different. It is basically a combination of forming ties over forums (but never over dating sites) and slowly boiling the pool down until you feel attraction to someone, with meetups between however many of you as friends at any stage. From the midpoint onwards, people naturally start engaging in courtship. For myself it was a pool of one as I hadn’t ever found anyone more interesting than Jon. But for some they may be courting 5-6 people at a time, finally resulting in a relationship with one or two of them. The courtship stage seems to usually be asexual, but with the end goal being a mutually agreed LTR.

  5. What is the mission of courtship?

    If you’re under 30 and pre-marriage/LTR, courtship for you is dead. There are no rules, there’s pickup artistry (PUA) for the guys and sex-positivity for the girls. Relationships and sexuality for the youngs is a tinder-fueled bonfire of the vanities.

    5h1t, I’m almost double 30 and I wouldn’t need Tindr to do pickup. Just go to the clubs. Approach, approach, approach. Being shot down but continuing anyway is DHV.

  6. Pingback: A Very Revolutionary Statement | The Private Man

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