The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “May 15, 2014”

Excellent Questions From A Reader

Private Man,

Lately I have been seeing many women on POF write in the  First Date section something along the lines of “Lets meet for a coffee or drink and then decide if we want a first date”.

Is it the new trend for women to state this upfront? More importantly, what are the social expectations as far as paying for that first drink? I always pay for a first date, but if this isn’t really a first date and then am I still expected to pay for drinks? I find it off-putting to go through all the motions of a date, including paying for a round of drinks and a tip only to have it classified as an audition instead of a date. Is this “not a date but rather a meeting” code for “You are paying for this but don’t expect any kissing or affection since it really isn’t a date”

What are your thoughts on the women that state this upfront in their profile?


A Reader

This is indeed a new trend. You can thank (or blame) the small army of dating coaches advising women to consider the first “date” as simply a “meeting”. The purpose of this meeting is to determine mutual attraction and that elusive chemistry. Frankly, it’s a matter of semantics because if there is sufficient mutual attraction, that meeting instantly becomes a date and there will likely be kissing and affection. Don’t sweat the semantics too much.

This is also a way for women to manage expectations. There are a lot of thirsty guys out there who lack charisma and escalate too fast, too soon, and too ineptly. Worse, the guys might insist on a high-end dinner for a first date and this really messes up expectations for the man and the woman alike if there is no mutual attraction. I think women who state this upfront in an online dating profile are being reasonably prudent and you shouldn’t judge them too harshly.

Yes, you still have to pay for that meeting. You’ll just have to deal with that and not let it get under your skin. However, if you plan a venue that is interesting and inexpensive, your fiscal liability is much reduced and you still have a chance to demonstrate your charisma and confidence. There may be some serious mutual attraction, regardless. Again, it should be an inexpensive place where you meet. Don’t plan a dinner. That’s advice for all first dates or “meetings”.

Your observations questions send a message of caution to all guys re-entering the wacky world of dating and tackling online dating. Online dating can certainly work but the return on investment for guys makes it too time-intensive. This is why I now recommend live singles events. and Plenty of Fish have organized singles events. also has singles groups with the accompanying live events. Consider speed dating as well if it’s your area. Interacting face to face in a social context is the cure for social isolation and a chance to work on a man’s charisma and confidence and a woman’s feminine charm.

If any of my readers want to ask questions, feel free. My email address is emailtheprivateman at gmail.

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