The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Feeling Connected To Society

Social isolation is a real problem for the post-divorce demographic. It’s more acute for men. I am constantly exhorting men to step away from the TV or computer monitor and get out of the house. Human beings are social creatures. It’s in our DNA. Of course there are misanthropic souls who seek to reject human interaction. Those individuals are outliers and should be left to their own solo devices.

Being social is a challenge. Technology and suburbia work very hard to physically isolate ourselves from each other. A comfortable gated community combined with Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are socially damaging forces that diminish our collective social skills. Without effective social skills, it becomes exponentially more difficult to meet relationship goals. Video games and porn are additional cancers to the growing anti-social nature of our culture. This is not entirely a gender-specific issue. I heap contumely on men but women take themselves out of social life, as well.

As social creatures, human beings need to be around each other. We need to see each other. More specifically, we need to see faces and overhear verbal discussions. This is not about attraction and dating. This is about the basic human characteristic of needing to connect with others. Social isolation is debilitating. Introverts especially need to connect, even if passively through simple observation.

Before I dispense with advice, I will acknowledge that I am afforded three huge luxuries that color my perception of social interaction.

  • I live in a small town (but it’s surrounded by a densely populated urban area) and so I am connected well to neighbors.
  • I now work in a city with lots of potential social contact. Yes, there is a downtown Fort Lauderdale. Given my eyeball woes , I take the bus to work and humanity in all its glory is riding with me twice daily.
  • I live in a sub-tropical climate and that means being outdoors is far easier. It was 80 degrees today. Welcome to south Florida.

Being out in the world and interacting with people, despite the weather, is socially healthy. I recommend that every man and woman makes a point to leave the house to find a place where there are lots of people. This recommendation is not about approaching people. It’s simply about being around people so as to watch, listen, and learn. Be the researcher. Staying at home is the direct opposite of this.

Nightclubs are not a good place because they are too loud. There is no way to overhear verbal interactions when the music is blasting. If you insist on clubbing, you can certainly see, at least, body language. A cafe or restaurant with sidewalk seating and/or bar is perfect (weather permitting, of course). Waiting in line for a sandwich is a great way to observe or interact with other people. I recommend striking up a conversation with those around you, no matter who they are.

Working in a city where people are out and about has an unspoken energy and aura regarding the social nature of our humanity. As an extrovert, I am energized by this. My mood is brightened. But introverts can also benefit by feeling that social energy. Nobody, especially me, is forcing the average introvert to thrust himself or herself into social interaction. I’m simply advising everyone to find a place to feel that social energy. Given the remarkably crappy weather up north, that will obviously be an indoor space like a mall or supermarket.

It’s impossible to ignore our social nature. Misanthropes might hate that. Introverts will be uncomfortable with that. That social nature should be indulged often enough to avoid the very real problem of social isolation. Technology should be resisted in favor of face to face interactions. This is why I am so keen on Meetup.com singles events for the post-divorce crowd. Yes, I see the irony of posting this advice on an Internet blog and yes, online dating is a real thing.

As for the social element of the average white-collar job, I’m not discounting it. Just know that familiarity can cause contempt. This can make the work environment actually an anti-social place. As well, spending all one’s free time solely with friends is too easy. Being around strangers is a better way to experience the social aspect of life.

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12 thoughts on “Feeling Connected To Society

  1. Good points. In addition to food etc., most people need regular social interaction. If you’re not getting it you may have to program it into your life. It becomes like exercise, and you learn to do it even if you don’t always feel like it at the start. And yes, socializing with friends is not the same thing.

  2. Your points hit the mark. I never felt more disconnected and alone than at 56, my 24 year marriage suddenly ending, it seemed I no longer fit in anywhere. Your identity and past life gets ripped away, leaving you to question everything you thought you knew. Looking for help in books stores was laughable, row upon row of femcentric relationship books basically depicting Husbands being the source of all marital discord, a combination of uncommunicative/emotionally vacant unfaithful/alcoholic/abusive/sex offenders or suffering from a “Mid Life Crisis” . I could find very little help that related to men whose wive’s had pulled their own version of “Eat ,Pray, Love” or “Stella got her Groove Back”.

    Oddly enough it was in my submersion in the internet that helped me recover in a big way rather than hold me back. I’ve used social media and the internet in a positive way, to rebuild my life, I used facebook to reconnect with old friendships and activities I’d let fade during my marriage. My calendar began to fill up with invites to fundraisers, dances, and other social events, I went to as many as I could and crawled back up out of the hole. Going out amoung happy couples early on is brutal, but necessary.

    It was the “Red Pill” Manosphere, forums for men with MLC wives and blogs like yours that showed me I was not alone in what I was going through. It offered a sounding board I could not find anywhere else, not afraid to address the issues of female infidelity, BPD’s and peri-menopausal insanity. Almost three years now after the bomb dropped on me I’m doing well and trying to pay it forward on my own blog for middle aged men, a plan for recovering http://www.menversion3.com

  3. Bad advice.

    Even vaguely masculine behavior is extremely dangerous in the feminist kultures of the west, and especially in Amerika. Withdrawing from interaction with our persecutors (women collectively, and the “men” who enable, enforce, and fund the collective evil of women) is the only sane and effective response to societies that gleefully prey upon, and destroy, any guy not genuflecting to whatever A Female demands in any particular moment.

    No man with actual experience in “white collar jobs” would ever seek one out again, as the corporate work enviornment is as emasculating as the feminist government offices.

    I have no clue as to why you would imagine (and obviously desire) that any non-castrated modern male would want to “feel connected to a society” that absolutely despises maleness, and has institutionalized that hatred for half-a-century, utilizing both legal and extra-legal means.

    Sure . . . lemme just stick my dong in that wonderful wood-chipper again. I’m sure it’ll all go better, this time! lol

    • I totally get the whole MGTOW thing and even understand the sometimes bitter way it comes across; it is one rational response to our feminist society (though I’m often bemused at the sometimes vitriolic exhortations that all men must follow an extreme version of MGTOW else be branded white knights and collaborators, which seems more like men going your way rather than their own).

      But even if a man decides that withdrawing from interaction with women as much as possible is the “sane and effective” response, that in no way makes TPM’s post “bad advice.” Social isolation too often results in bad results for men, especially older men coming out of a divorce after a long relationship: sometimes to extremes of severe depression and suicide or early death.

      Social interaction in real time (not online) with other men can be an important part of a man’s mental health, and developing new hobbies and interests should definitely be a part of MGTOW. I can be social and gregarious or introverted by turns. I have been enjoying single life and enjoy time by myself. But I balance that with social interaction with a fairly wide social circle. I also have played in an amateur dart league here in NY where many semi-pro, nationally-ranked players play. A couple of them have at times gone full-pro and played on the European tournament circuit. Yes, women play as well, but it’s still a largely male-dominated activity.

      That said, a lot of us still like women (not feminists) and like sex with women. I’m pretty critical of feminism and our feminist society, but I don’t agree with the extreme social picture painted here. There are still plenty of non-PC male spaces and non-feminist women out there.

      Indeed, to me a large part of taking the Red Pill is learning to recognize the dangers and avoid them. And TPM’s advocacy for becoming a more charismatic man (the Chateau defines Game as “applied charisma,” which I agree with) is designed to get a man to learn how to adroitly navigate these shoal waters.

      And practicing applied charisma by engaging in social interaction until it becomes a natural part of your personality is definitely part of that learning curve…

  4. good advice. but some of us prefer isolation. my introvert side rules my behavior.

  5. ” This is about the basic human characteristic of needing to connect with others. Social isolation is debilitating. Introverts especially need to connect, even if passively through simple observation. ”

    Thank you for pointing this out. Being an INTJ myself, I understand how addicting solitude can be…but if left unchecked, an introvert could quite easily lose friendships, relationships, or even access to family members. Some of my relatives wonder why I choose to work in a busy, loud, bright comic/gaming store or why I stay out till 2am gaming every Friday. Given that they know I’m happiest curled up in my home alone with a good book or videogame, it doesn’t make sense to them.

    The answer is simple though: Just because it makes me happy doesn’t mean I should do it in excess. I love ice cream, but don’t have it everyday because that would be unhealthy. Same with giving in to my introverted tendencies. Thus I greatly appreciate my FwB who is an ENFP and is capable of breaking me out of my comfortable shell, the group I roleplay with who “force” me to become my character, and why I don’t mind my oftentimes boisterous customers…They provide me with a safe opportunity to go out of my comfort zone. And when I do get home, it’s even more of a clean, quiet sanctuary than it was when I left that morning.

    PM, you mentioned above that this is important to men post-divorce. I’d actually like for someone with the experience base to talk a little more about this topic. It’s a sad truth that many men suffer socially after a break up or divorce, sometimes to the point of self-imposed isolation. Obviously this can result in depression, feelings of unworthiness, desperation, lack of ambition, distrust of others, and general mental/emotional fatigue. All the things that today’s Western male may already struggle with in a Feminist society that constantly tells them to “Man Up” without assistance. It’s a state of affairs that needs to be acknowledged and tackled, and I was hoping to get your input…

  6. I wonder if this post was partially inspired by my latest comment on this blog.

    I’d say this phenomenon has pretty mundane causes. The norm used to be that people relied on their extended family plus their colleagues to build their social circle. But now we’re in a world of demographic implosion and increasingly smaller families. A growing segment of young men don’t even have cousins and siblings, and relatives tend to be scattered all over the country instead of living in the same town. It makes socializing more difficult.

    And there’s a general trend of lifestyles becoming more transient and unpredictable, especially for middle-class people. If you’re an ambitious young man in college, you’re expected to constantly move around to find good internships, jobs and scholarships. You ought to be flexible, pack your stuff and move whenever it’s necessary. It’s a way to build short-term relationships, but not a way to build a stable and extended social circle.

    I’d say there’s also a general trend of introverts increasingly perceived by mainstream society as ballast. Obviously introverts were never popular, but they were expected to fulfill certain economic and social roles, because it used to be necessary to harness every citizen’s contribution to keep society running. This need has disappeared.

    • @hoellenhund2

      “I’d say there’s also a general trend of introverts increasingly perceived by mainstream society as ballast.”

      Not just introverts per se, but also anyone who willingly remains single past a certain age. In various religious circles this age can be as low as 20, but mostly I see it as one nears their 30s and older. Whether this is due to a MGTOW mindset or a simple love of the unmarried life, society at large takes issue with it, especially if one does also not have/want children. Despite the fact the human race as a whole is in no danger of naturally dying out due to underpopulation, there seems to be an almost instinctual negative reaction to people who are introverts and/or single into middle age.

      Personally, when people/customers find out my age and learn the above traits about me, their reactions have gone from “well, you still have time to enjoy life” when I was in my late teens – early 20s, to “wow, you better settle down quick” now that I’m nearly 30. It’s as though ones bachelorhood gives strangers complete allowance to make faulty judgements on you in public without fear of repercussion. Thus, it seems obvious that while it’s certainly good to have a circle of friends/acquaintances to enjoy hobbies with, society still pushes the idea of relationships defining who you are as a person.

  7. To play devil’s advocate, isnt it possible that women being less friendly/more aggressive because of feminism has helped cause the rise of video games and porn in men? A ‘fuck it’ kind of attitude?

  8. Pingback: Social Isolation Redux | The Private Man

  9. Pingback: Ready For Dating? 15 Yes/No Questions For Men | The Private Man

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