The Private Man

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Archive for the day “January 18, 2014”

Self-Righteousness Is Repellant

Have you ever sat next to a guy in a bar who immediately starts spouting off about politics? He’s usually in extreme waters regarding his views. Worse, he comes across as a know-it-all about everything even remotely related to his ideology. On your other side is a guy so into evangelizing his enthusiasms (fitness, diet, some weird philosophy) that it’s clear he has no depth. He can’t even talk about music or sports. Both these guys simply lack manners and the ability to converse normally.

All you wanted to do was enjoy a beer and watch the game. Maybe you were at the bar to practice your Charisma. Now these two blowhards are harshing your mellow. You want to be well rid of these assholes and soon because that cute bartender has been smiling at you.. This is what self-righteousness does. It repels people. It’s not a sign of confidence.

Imagine a woman in a social situation and you’re that blowhard going on and on and on in her ear. You think you’re having a good conversation, even if you’re monopolizing it. She’s thinking of an interruption where she can excuse herself. You think you’re being confident but you’ve never even attempted to flirt. She might even find you physically appealing but your self-righteousness is making you ugly.

I find that too many middle age guys wallow in self-righteousness. They get into a conversational rut that makes it almost impossible for them to flirt or to be charismatic. Even younger guys can fall into this bad pattern of communicating. This is what happens to nerds who only have one or two topics to talk about. This includes sports nerds.

A man must be well-rounded, intelligent, and thoughtful. Self-righteousness is the mortal enemy of those three things. Fortunately, there is an easy fix. Listen to what you talk about. If you’re consistently talking about only one or two things and evangelizing all the time, you must fix you’re conversational style. This applies to all conversations, regardless of whom you’re speaking with. Are you smugly correcting anyone who might have another opinion about something? You definitely must fix that because you’re asshole for doing that.

The best fix is to have some serious intellectual curiosity and then educating yourself on a variety of subjects. This provides additional topics for you to talk. What, you think everyone wants to hear about the paleo diet? If you’re talking to a guy, ask him some questions out of genuine curiosity, not like salesman asks questions. If you’re talking with a woman you’re attracted to, then it’s time to apply that charisma you’ve been working on.

Another good fix is simply talking less, even if you’re very passionate about the topic being discussed. This applies well when you’re talking with a woman. One of the rules of charisma is to maintain some mystery. Being taciturn is the key here.

Good conversational skills are absolutely critical to being perceived well. It will help you be more attractive to women, certainly. But it will also helps in many other areas in your life. Good conversational skills are a large subset of good social skills.

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