The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

We Carry The Bags, Not The Porter

There is so much discussion about the emotional baggage we all carry and how it impacts our ability to date and form healthy, intimate relationships. After a certain age, emotional baggage simply can’t be avoided. With the years come the inevitable experiences which affect our emotional outlook. This is life, let’s deal with it like adults.

There are three categories of emotional baggage that hamper our dating and healthy relationship-forming efforts. The first two are rather obvious, the last is the most insidious and the hardest to overcome.

1. Time… Kids, career, enthusiasms are all part of a type of emotional baggage because we spend so much time on things that only serve to distract us from trying to reach our relationship goals. This is lifestyle emotional baggage. As for kids, they are not emotional baggage – unless someone states clearly “my kids come first” – it’s the lifestyle surrounding child-rearing that becomes the baggage of time. While I’ve covered this before, it must be repeated often – if you want to date and form a relationship, you must make the time for it. Ditch the time baggage, now.

2. Previous relationships… I’m still astounded when I hear stories about the first few dates where a person brings up a previous relationship. Here’s the firm dating guideline: If you feel compelled to bring up an ex – in any way – then you’re not ready for dating. There’s some serious emotional baggage if a previous relationship becomes the topic of conversation during the first phases of dating. Stop it right now. If you continue, seek therapy or get your emotionally damaged butt out of the dating scene until you stop talking about previous relationships. You’re welcome.

3. Political correctness/social expectations… When dating, we too often take seriously the whispers of social expectations and political correctness. A woman wants the man to take the lead but that’s counter to the “you go, grrl! You’re in charge!” social expectations. A man wants to take the lead but his social programming of the sensitive new age man (SNAG) results in excess – and unnatural – emotional expression and asking “so, what do you want to do?” when he actually manages to get a woman’s interest in a first date. Here’s the first lesson: Going on a date is not a political statement in order to right social wrongs. It’s simply two people hoping to make a romantic connection. Here’s the second lesson: Political correctness has no part in the intimate and extremely personal nature of two people connecting emotionally and physically.

TL;DR – Lose the baggage

Single Post Navigation

15 thoughts on “We Carry The Bags, Not The Porter

  1. Nupnupnup on said:

    Limit the baggage while you can – get a vasectomy.

  2. I found this post by Heartiste very interesting – it’s a little unusual to see such a hard core PUA to be so candid (brutally honest even) about well, being a douche:

    But what was even *more* interesting were some of the comments below the article. In particular, a lady who calls herself “betalover”. This woman really really gets it. And it’s also interesting to watch some of the less than ethical guys try to make her doubt herself, but she just knows what she knows. I’d love to see TPM do something with this, in no small part because he seems a lot less douchey than many of the other PUA bloggers.

    • And despite the name “betalover” I seriously doubt her husband is some wuss that gets walked all over – he’s just not an uber alpha asshole. Those guys are to be avoided at all costs, and that’s what this woman grasps.

      • Yep, but it’s not a popular concept. Some of the biggest heat that I’ve taken on the mens blogs has been on this subject.

  3. “If you continue, seek therapy…”

    You know I love you man, but that’s a woman’s line. And I should know – you’ll never meet a a more Beta subculture that shrinkdom-counseling-paid-weepers.

  4. Pingback: We Carry The Bags, Not The Porter « PUA Central

  5. DonnerDerien on said:

    I like this topic from a litteral and figurative perspective. I’ve met women look to their men to carry their bags between taxis and hotel rooms. I’ve been blunt and told them the porter would do it.

    But coming back to the figurative – I’ve become quite aware is that nobody ‘healthy’ escapes emotional damage, and learning to live with and not express that damage is critical as this topic espouses.

    That said, and on a related note, how soon before partner count is a suitable topic ? Hmm.

  6. gregariouswolf on said:

    Or at least make sure it will fit underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead compartment.

  7. All good points. But the biggest favor a man can do for himself is to kill the SNAG (one of the most appropriate acronyms I’ve seen). Murder the SNAG, burn it’s internal organs, grind it’s skull to dust, bury the limbs in far corners of your realm, and salt the dirt above them.

    As for needing therapy to stop talking about your ex? I’m not generally a fan of therapy, unless whiskey is therapy. What such men need is a good smack upside the head…

    • cynical optimist on said:

      i needed threapy after my last breakup, what i did discover was that my BPD mother had been emotionally dumping her bullsh*t on me for over two decades, and the cause and effect was that i had been recreating the same scenario with toxic woman…… My bad yes really

  8. taterearl on said:

    Give the middle finger to society…it only seeks to destroy who you are through lies.

    If you are a man…lead. If the woman you are with wants to cling to an ideology that is nothing but a lie, let her have the life of loneliness and cats.

  9. Emotional baggage – for me at least I’ve found it almost necessary to squelch emotions at a certain level, or bracketing them off – just part of “developing a thick skin” and coping with rejection? I can say that it’s probably good that things didn’t work out with various women in the past, but I wish I had been better prepared to handle the emotion back then. Anyway, I’ve posted this question over at the MMSL forum, but thought I’d post it here since some of you have experience with online dating —

    A couple of years ago, I noticed a young woman attending the church I frequented. At the time I didn’t talk to her since she reminded me of someone else in appearance, and I wasn’t really ready to date. I found out later that she was using a certain Christian online dating service, because she had a picture of herself and her name rang a bell. (I had heard one of the parishioners use her name at the reception after service.) By then she had stopped visiting the church.

    Just recently I have started looking at the dating service website, and I have thought about sending her a message. If I am to contact her, I would have to use the online service, since I do not go to that church any more. (Though I actually saw her last Sunday at that church while I was in the neighborhood, but I do not know if she has gone back to attending that church regularly.)

    I will probably upload a more recent photo and she may recognize me from church, though it is entirely possible that she may not remember me. If I send a message, should I pretend not to know who she is or at the very least not bring it up? I think the beta approach would be to try to reveal that right away and try to explain I’ve been thinking. What should the message be? I am aiming for a meeting soon, rather than an extended conversation through the internet. Is that the right direction? And if I do manage to get a meeting, should I bring up the fact that I recognize her then?

    • P.S. She deleted her photos a while ago. (At least a year.)

    • @pb I’m a beta for financial failings, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

      1. You seem to have oneitis. Nice guys are not nice guys. They expect waaaay to much from a stranger upon whom they project. Stop projecting. Stop trying to control the outcome. Just know yourself and what is and is not acceptable to you and LISTEN to her. I hope you are opening and trying to generate attraction from other women. You will be more likable to her the more you develop from field work and you might like someone else better. This woman is not compatible with you or you with her because you saw her before. Get real.

      2. Whether you tell her that you and she were within sight of each other is not important until it has relevance. Assuming she has no idea of who you are, you are NOTHING to her and so it has NO RELEVANCE. If you should actually make a move (in the moment not the past), if you listen, and I mean read the instinctual or subcommunication stuff with the literal, you will learn if there is anything there to establish relevance. If she brings up recognizing you, then you can talk about it naturally as an aside to the moment. If you two hit it off, don’t bring it up like it matters. What matters is living in the present, which will eventually come around to religious beliefs and church, at which point you could bring it up and not seem like a stalker to her. It is not a big deal before that unless you are nuts, frankly.

      3. Have you studied PUA, the MM escalation sequence (, done any field work to internalize this stuff? You need to work on you. A woman is a feral she-child that needs to be domesticated by a man with authority and wisdom. Until you understand that and can convey yourself in the field, you are not ready for a relationship. I recommend a dance club because the intensity greatly reduces the time needed to find and interact with women, but a busy street or bar will be better just to practice opening until you can do it without a panic attack. Do you even know what inner game is. Only field work can change your inner self with respect to socializing, so go initiate socializing per the wisdom of the peer-reviewed concensus already.

      4. A relationship is incredibly dangerous today and if you are not emotionally and intellectually ahead of the woman, you are behind and you are toast. She has government authority to screw with you, to disenfranchise you (and has), etc., etc. I recommend you look at Michael Byc’s Alpha Days of Summer: Follow heartiste until you get his perspective, blunt but practical in an unfortunate world of decline. I don’t think you are asking the right questions because you don’t like the tried and true answers of the seduction community at the heart of the Manosphere. It’s lonely at the top and to be a top man is lonely, especially at the bottom, at the starting point. The work is the work. Having seen a chic before is not shortcut to a happy relationship. You must be good with women in general to be great with any one, without incredible luck that Powerball winners enjoy. Work. Hope that helps. I have gone through this myself lately and I tell you it works, but you have to trust yourself to think, adapt, change and stay with it for at least three months to see improvement. The hardest part of flight is taking off, in terms of energy input.

      Just my opinion. Good luck.

  10. “A woman is a feral she-child that needs to be domesticated by a man with authority and wisdom.” ?! Your viewpoint is incomprehensible, beyond degrading and sick. You’re describing a rabid tasmanian devil. And if you’re describing an emotionally immature, narcissistic, greedy, awful female…..and you think you can change her – you can’t. Move on to the women who are wonderful.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: