The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Let Her Be Nurturing

For all the talk of empowered, strong, and independent women not needing a man, there is a large part of the feminine psyche that almost compels a woman to be nurturing. It is especially pronounced past a certain age. For you younger men, sit this one out and be patient with the feisty and sassy girls that thickly populate your demographic landscape. Things might get better for you.

For a single guy who has become independent and self-sufficient, it may be a bit alarming when a woman shows her nurturing tendencies towards him. Single guys can too easily become cynical with the dating landscape so when a women wants to cook him dinner he might get suspicious about her motives. Worse, he might have too many blue pill and politically correct tendencies so his urge (not instinct) is to resist her nurturing because it’s too “gender normative” or “oppressive”. Gag.

Don’t be cynical or uncomfortable. If a woman is attracted to you and comfortable with you, her feminine and nurturing qualities will likely surface. That’s excellent and should always be encouraged. It’s almost like a reverse fitness test. “Can he happily accept my nurturing or is he a weak, PC-filled, sensitive new age guy?”

Many women – especially those who have raised children – are still quite content to express their nurturing through cooking. Let them, dammit! Don’t rush in to help, you’re just getting in the way. Pour the drinks, indulge in some light-hearted talk, and be encouraging by being affectionate – just don’t interrupt too much.

Too many guys will ruin this by tapping away on the smart phone or drifting away to watch TV. This is very bad. Despite the fact that she’s doing the big portion of the work, you’re still sharing an activity. It’s just like a date so give her your attention because you’re getting hers.

This is analogous to the “let the man lead” in dating. Let the woman be nurturing. She’s showing her femininity and that’s to be seriously encouraged. After dinner, there’s nothing wrong with helping to clear the dishes, by the way. Don’t be too lazy because you’re encouraging femininity, a commodity is short supply. If she never shows any nurturing towards you, consider that a yellow-flag.

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42 thoughts on “Let Her Be Nurturing

  1. Obviously, the follow-up blog post will be for women. It will titled “Be Nurturing”.

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      What to say?… for the already-on-board ladies, ’tis a piece o’ cake piece o’ writing… but to reawaken a pulse in the hardcore fish-friendly fembots… TALL mountain to climb… very tall.

      U kin doo it!… and pay down your tab to The Universe at the same time. 😎

  2. heheh, I love that stuff. I don’t see much of an opposition between strong and nurturing though. But I don’t like “empowered”. It sounds like someone gave me power from a position of power, and said “there, you weak thing, can’t get powerful on your own, so thanks to me, you’re empowered now”.

    How is this a reverse fitness test, btw? I didn’t quite get it.

    • //How is this a reverse fitness test, btw? I didn’t quite get it.
      Fitnes test = “confront my actions or you fail!”
      Reverse fitness test = “accept my actions or you fail!”

      I agree, sounds kind of clunky, calling a simple display of positive behaviour a “test” (even a reverse one)
      In that sense a woman suggesting a blowjob is also engaging in a “reverse fitness test”
      “Will he accept like an alpha, or will he decline and counter-suggest going down on me instead like a herb” Kind a silly.

      “We shall not go to Camelot. Tis a silly place…”

      • I can’t hit ’em outta da park everyday.

      • I think PM has a point regarding the reverse fitness test, though my evidence is anecdotal so take it for what it’s worth. A family member was terrible at this a few years ago (Thankfully has gotten much better) and would fawn over me while I was cooking dinner for every one. “How can I help?” “Can I do this, Can I do that?” It get old very quickly.

        If she is trying to take care of you it is important to her that she does a good job. She can’t do a good job of it if you won’t let her and keep trying to butt in and help. She wants you to go relax and you are stepping in the way of her thing. Some women take great pride in taking care of others and you will take the wind out of her sails if you don’t let her do it. Some women may not take pride in it, but are learning the skill and likewise, you are hindering her.

        Taking care of a man has a lot to do with some women’s pride for herself and her respect for her man. Don’t get in the way of it.

      • Hamster Tamer on said:

        “We shall not go to Camelot. Tis a silly place…”

        “I’m tellin’ ya, that rabbit’s a KILLAH!”
        “What’s ‘e do then, nibble yer bum?”

        30+ years later, STILL A ROTF SCREAM! The fact that virtually zero women get it, even those with STEM degrees, well, that’s just gravy… Man-o-Club insider cred. 😀

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      @Emma I don’t see much of an opposition between strong and nurturing though.

      Indeed, observing the women I’m fortunate to have in my extended clan, you realize the former is actually a prerequisite for the latter. Those lost in their own problems–real and imaginary–have little left for others.

      But I don’t like “empowered”. It sounds like someone gave me power from a position of power, and said “there, you weak thing, can’t get powerful on your own, so thanks to me, you’re empowered now”.

      THIS!… is what blogs are for. (*Marking calender*)… I was “here”, when the scales fell from a good woman’s eyes, and she saw clearly the Marxist-Orwellian propaganda devices used to yoke her to False Mama Feminism, and Faux Daddy Gov.

  3. I try extra hard now to be nurturing and attentive because I have a feeling I was quite the ball-buster before I found the manosphere. My nickname was “Chief”. Yikes!
    (But I really don’t think I was THAT much of a bitch, hopefully!)

  4. Martini on said:

    Can I add one tip?

    Even if the meal isn’t that great, don’t tell her that. Just pick at it; she’ll get the message and step it up. First time I cooked for a boyfriend, he let me know it was terrible and what’s more, he offered the leftovers to his two roommates and they thought it was shit too!!

    Never cooked for him again. My cooking has improved considerably since then.

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      Now see, THERE’S a reverse fitness test, of sorts… well, not so much reverse as UNintentional. You inadvertantly found out your squeeze/man was lacking in class/manners/social graces. No mention of how long you kept him in your life after that. Live and learn. 😉

    • Celeste on said:

      Only exception is if he’s a picky eater. I cooked for a man who didn’t like the blue cheese in the dish, and also couldn’t stomach many vegetables. Picky eating is really unattractive.

    • I have to disagree. Your boyfriend experience might have been painful, but what you were probably most angry at was that he exposed your failure to others instead of keeping it in the relationship. You needed to be told that the meal wasn’t good, that’s just being honest, and I would tell any woman that her meal wasn’t great if it truly wasn’t (Keep in mind, I’m easy to please). What I wouldn’t do is go tell all my friends how crappy my girlfriends cooking is, that was the real problem.

    • annie1701 on said:

      You should always tell her! Tell her kindly, gently, but cooks need to have feedback! They need to know what’s working and what isn’t!

      At the same time, though, if it’s a great meal, praise her richly!

      I’m just a woman who loves to cook, and I’d hate it if something sucked and nobody told me out of politeness!

  5. Pingback: Let Her Be Nurturing « PUA Central

  6. What if her cooking makes you think dog food would’ve been a better option?

    • There’s really no excuse for being that bad of a cook. If she’s that bad, I think she should be thrown back into the dating pool at least once for that reason explicitly.

      i.e., yes, you break up with her and say, “I’m breaking up with you because you’re a shitty cook, go learn humanity’s most important survival skill and try to find a new man.”

      • No. You say “Honey can I show you what I usually do with this kind of dish? It’ll help make it more like what you were aiming for” or “Let’s take a cooking lesson or two together; it’ll be fun and it’ll help.”

        Unless you yourself are a good cook, it would be hypocritical to break up over this. And if you’re a good cook, you can help her get better, probably quickly. Do you want your girlfriend to summarily dump you for being bad at cooking or dancing or singing or oral sex? No, you want to encourage each other and grow together. Which has, incidentally, nothing to do with being masculine or charismatic or strong.

  7. Martini on said:

    ARoss: Is she one of the “spinning plates” you’d just as soon let drop and break?

    Start barking. She’ll ask why, you’ll say, “because I seem to be eating dawg food!”

    That should do it.

  8. If she isn’t being nurturing-

    I’ll walk.

    Good as usual Brother.

  9. Nupnupnup on said:

    What if *I* like to cook? Nothing to do with being a mangina, it’s the only halfway creative activity I can be bothered with – likely because it gives immediate, tangible rewards (besides, almost without exception, top chefs are male)

    • @Nup – that’s not the point of this post. You’ll still have gobs of opportunities to cook for her/you/as a couple – it’s more about not be suspicious or leery of her desire to “be nurturing”. IIRC, you’re a bit younger, so you may not run into this much, but for those of us in our 40s dating 30 and 40 yos, we see it a *lot*.

      In a way, you can frame is as a woman trying to “prove” her domesticity to us – particularly since most of us are very self-sufficient and indeed, great cooks – and when someone steps in to do something like this for me/us, it can be a little weird.

      And pretty damn nice too, I might add.

    • It’s okay if you like to cook, but let me cook too! Honestly, if you were like “I’M GOING TO BE THE DOMESTIC CARETAKER IN THIS RELATIONSHIP,” I’d be uncomfortable with it.

      I truly think women like to nurture as much as men like to lead.

      Like, you know how men feel emasculated when women try to lead the relationship and do all the manly things? Like, women feel, un-feminated when you tell her that she can’t cook. Don’t unfemin-ate her!

      Really, this is a major complaint I have with the dating world right now. TOO MANY MEN WHO DON’T ALLOW WOMEN TO ACT LIKE WOMEN. There are too many men who buy into this idea that they need to let women just walk all over them and dictate everything, and I don’t feel comfortable with that. I’ve been on so, so, so, so many dates where men have been like “Oh, here, you plan the entire date.” I should write a blog entry about this.

  10. any women – especially those who have raised children – are still quite content to express their nurturing through cooking. Let them, dammit!

    I’ll give her a chance just to see if she can do it better than me, since I’m pretty damn good. It’s probably more of a NY thing, but most of the women who I’ve dated who’ve cooked for me weren’t very good.

    The thing I don’t do is bake, which I’m more than happy to have her do…

  11. A woman, under the age of 30, who can cook?
    A woman, who’s attractive, who isn’t pig ignorant, who knows how to cook?
    An American woman, who’s under the age of 30, who wasn’t raised or isn’t living in the middle of nowhere, who’s physically attractive, mentally stable and who knows how to cook!?


  12. My husband says he knew I was the one after I entirely reorganized his suitcase and folded his clothes, unprompted and without making a big deal of it (after a one night stand, lol – we’re fairly terrible trad cons).

    Sex is essentially devalued as a bargaining chip for long term commitment these days, but old school nurturing still goes a loooong way.

    • I dunno, I’ve never seen women be kind (outside of their job description) to men they aren’t attracted to.
      But it could also be because she considers other womens’ opinions of who she is kind to, as a benchmark of her own self-worth.
      It ain’t the patriarchy women should be afraid of, it’s other women …

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  14. Froma woman’s perspective, when a man allows a woman to nurture him, he makes himself emotionally vulnerable and that is deeply appealing, especially when the man is otherwise super confident and assertive. One of the first things I ever did for my husband when he was still just my boyfriend was to do his laundry and fold his clothes (we met in grad school, so cooking wasn’t a possibility, although I am an outstanding cook).

    I didn’t really understand the vulnerability aspect until I saw how my husband’s younger colleagues react to being nurtured. Mentoring is a huge part of my husband’s job, and since he likes to be at home as much as possible, we have a lot of young men in our house regularly. They’re all men because my husband won’t go anywhere near the young women in his office – the slightest wiff of impropriety or an accusation of any kind of sexual misconduct can ruin his reputation and career so the ladies are on their own.

    As an aside, way to go, retards! All the hysteria about rape culture and sexual harassment has resulted in a climate where no experienced man will go anywhere near a junior colleague who is a woman, so the woman are basically shut out of the mentoring process.

    Good work! Idiots.

    These guys are considerably younger than we are – early 20s, so a decade younger, and most of them are unmarried, but very much looking for a wife. When they come over and sit at my kitchen counter and watch me cooking for everyone, they pretty much just melt. Mr. JB is always in the kitchen with me, too. He makes cocktails, but that’s about it. His job is just to keep me company and be around to open jars and fetch things from the high cupboards. I know for an absolute fact that watching us has profoundly affected how they see relationships between men and women. Their entire view of marriage has been changed by watching the two of us.

    My husband and I have totally different skills and we use them to take care of each other. I am the nurturer and he is the provider and those clearly defined roles are what makes the whole thing work so well. We don’t compete. We complement.

    It’s hard for young men both ways. First, to find a woman who WANTS to nurture and then to open their hearts to accept that nurturing.

    What should be simple has become so stupidly complicated and the women all ask “where have all the good men gone?” They’re in the kitchen, bitch. Waiting to chat with you while you make dinner.

    Kinda funny, isn’t it? Women always say men want them back in the kitchen, but the reality is that the kitchen is where you’ll find the good men. The great men will pour you wine while you’re cooking! And take the cast iron roasting pan out of the oven for you, because dammit, that thing is so heavy!

  15. I am super freaked out by the number of women especially younger ones who do not learn how to cook. I say this as one of those semi independent women y’all are not too keen on and I very much enjoyed making a nice meal for the man in my life. My weakness is housework. Perhaps this is a generational thing? I grew up in a single parent home and I learned how to cook actual meals at an early age and when I was first out on my own all of my friends made fun of me (and showed up unnannouced conveniently around meal times) because I cooked for myself as a single women. It is something in other words that I also enjoy doing for myself. I don’t like fast food which might contribute to my willingness to whip something up. To me cooking like a few other things are basic skills adults need in order not to stumble around in the world. In that sense I guess I am not strictly speaking the nurturing type as framed in this post.

    • Nupnupnup on said:

      Amen to that.

      As a guy, I actually like the cook. It’s like the only activity that gives you instant (and usually pleasant) feedback in my life… I am not big on cooking for myself all alone but two or more and I am game. Also I cannot clean my apartment for my life (but ultimately, that is easier to outsource than cooking is).

      Also, I am probably in the small minority who would prefer a semi independent girl (which seems to be synonymous with being a bitch in most guys’ heads but there I disagree) – I just can’t be bothered to run ANOTHER life (I would outsource mine, if I had the money to do so)…

    • I agree that everyone should know how to cook. It’s not that difficult and should be a basic life-skill. I taught myself to cook at an early age and have gotten pretty good at it. I don’t expect everyone to be able to make their own mayo or aioli or to be able to make a good dark roux (my gumbo is awesome) but anyone who can’t manage to do a roast chicken is shortchanging themselves.

      And it’s not that we’re not keen on semi-independent women. I think most of us in the manosphere expect a certain level of self-sufficiency in all women. It’s the Strong and Independent ™ women that essentially don’t “need” a man (!) that we’re not so keen on as they tend toward anti-nurturing if not outright demanding and bitchy…

      • Eh. I can be bitchy, most of humanity can on a bad day. I would say it is reasonable to expect some attempt at self sufficiency to varying degrees from all adults. I will say I did not wade in the impose my views but the manosphere is an interesting place makes thought provoking reading. Thanks for the pleasant responses.

      • Contrary to what the haters would have you believe, women are quite welcome in the manosphere, they just won’t be able to dominate the conversation. Well, except feminists. Feminists are only welcome for mocking…

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  17. Jessica on said:

    Remains the most brilliant post online

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