Satire Ahoy! Advice For Princesses And Goddesses
Dating and relationships are so difficult. It’s so hard for the modern, sassy woman to find Mr. Perfect only to find herself in a relationship with Mr. Chump who is incapable of making her happy. I’ve got some solid advice here so if you’re single, find yourself a pint of your favorite ice cream, put your favorite cat on your lap and start reading. If you’re married or in a serious relationship, do the same but skip the cat. Any modern gal in a relationship should know about the dating game because being single is so fabulous! There’s no baffoonish man making your life complicated and you can shop ’til you drop without an annoying Y chromosome type looking over your credit card statement.
For any woman, whether single or not, the name of the game is you and your feminine fabulousness, no matter how you express it. Every woman is both a princess who deserves to be spoiled and a goddess who is wise, powerful, and all-knowing. Your needs, your desires, your whims deserve to be fulfilled. Your very happiness is at stake, after all. If you’re not 100% happy, there’s something outside you causing that and as a princess and goddesses, you have to change it. For most women, that unhappiness is not having a man in her life or having the wrong man in her life.
Now I have to break it down for the single girls. Here’s my advice: Prince Charming is right around the corner so don’t accept second best. How do you know he’s second best? He doesn’t make your heart soar and your libido swoon. It’s just that simple. As you meet men – I recommend online dating – be sure that the chemistry is immediate and powerful. If you don’t want to jump his bones instantly, ditch him fast because your va-jay-jay will never forgive you if you don’t. There’s a strong, good-looking, successful guy just for you and never, ever settle for anything else. Your soulmate is out there looking for you. You don’t have to change yourself in any way. He should adore you for all of you, even if your curves are especially curvy. There’s simply more of you to love. Embrace your personality quirks. If you cry or get angry easily and for no real reason, that’s who you are and it’s simply fabulous.
The easiest way for a strong and independent woman to find a man is to use online dating. It’s easy and can be free. Find your best photos. It really doesn’t matter if they are bit older, your more youthful body is a better reflection of your wonderful inner beauty. Write a really good profile. The best ones list out in detail what you deserve in a man. Be extremely specific. The great thing about online dating is that your in-box will be constantly filled with guys telling you how beautiful you are. This might take some time but a whole bunch of tasty snacks to feed your body will make you feel better while you read your many messages. The bad part about online dating is that many unsuitable men will be contacting you. They will be too short, too old, too ugly, too poor, too desperate. You might find an incredible guy online and so you should send him a message. Tell him what you deserve in a man and make him prove that he’s up to the task of making you 100% happy.
If any incredibly lucky guy scores a date with you, take the opportunity to assess him carefully. You must be on the lookout for reasons to dump him and quickly. There is no frivolous reason to ditch a man. It’s all about you, remember? You are the lead actress, director, and producer in the movie that is your life. You’re looking for the best supporting actor you can find to join you in your Oscar-winning movie. Don’t be afraid to walk out on a date. You might run into Mr. Perfect on the sidewalk. Just so you know, your date pays for everything and should have brought a nice gift for you. If he didn’t do those things, you have to cut and run. Right after dinner, of course. A smart woman never turns down a free meal. Surf and turf tastes so much better when it doesn’t dent your shoe budget.
If you find that magical, instant chemistry with a guy, test him a little. He has to constantly prove himself as a quality suitor. Also, keep him on his toes by breaking dates at the last minute and generally being a little evasive. Princesses and goddesses are in short supply. If he tires of the testing, just go back online and find a new potential paramour. They’re waiting for you. As for sex? If you want to have some nookie time, even on a first date, go for it! We live in the age where it simply doesn’t matter how much or how often a woman expresses her sexuality. You go, you sexy grrl!
For you attached ladies, you really need to evaluate the current state of your relationship. As a princess and goddess, you deserve complete happiness. Oh, and being only somewhat happy doesn’t count. If that man in your life isn’t making you 100% happy, seriously consider trading him in for a better model. He’s probably already thinking about doing the same thing, typical in men who can’t handle a goddess like you. A break up or divorce is short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain. Imagine yourself as the free woman, untied from a man who is likely holding you back. You are free to pursue your passions, to travel the world, to lead a fulfilling life. You’ll also be free to find a man who adores you, even if you’re a single mom and no longer quite the 20-something girl from a few, ahem, years ago.
So, are all you incredible girls ready to take on the world and find your happiness? Ready… Set… GO!
[This post was inspired by Roosh’s Compliment and Cuddle and is a repeat post of mine. It should serve as a reminder of all the miserably bad dating and relationship advice given to women.]
The Private Man 
Great post.
Why stop at giving women advice!?
Men, the name of your game is to make her happy. The first thing you men need to do is stop taking dating advice from any men. You need to ask your mom for advice on what kind of women to date and get into LTRs with. You need to ask your sisters, their friends, and your female coworkers on what they like. Then you need to get out of your head the silly notion that your needs, wants and desires are important. They aren’t. You exist to serve and please women. You are here to supply a woman with a BF, a lover, an LTR, a hookup or a husband. Get it straight, my man: You aren’t here to get sex and enjoy your life. Nope. You’re here to give attention, validation and worth to a woman.
When you get that advice from all your girl frraaaands, you need to listen to what they say and don’t ever consider or believe what they do. Women don’t ever lie about these things, you know; and if she gives some quick bang ONS to a douchebag it’s because he tricked her and he’s a bad man. You need to specifically look for girls who need you: fat girls, batshit crazy girls, needy-clingy girls, spendthrifts, and nerdlings. You need to go all in right away: tell the girl you love her and pay for everything right away. Show her how devoted you are to her. Bring her a $100 gift on the first date, ask for marriage on the third. Don’t ever escalate or show interest sexually until she gives you express written permission. If she wants sex she’ll come out and tell you. Don’t push it, either.
You need to be looking for a wife. And you need to tell every girl you date that you’re looking for marriage. Don’t hold anything back — tell all those girls EVERYTHING about you. They will know you are really in touch with your emotions and feelings when you do this. Bonus if you rent “Steel Magnolias”, watch it with her, and you let her see you cry when Julia Roberts’s character dies.
And the best girl to marry? A 31 year old slut with one partner for each of her years on earth. Because the experienced girls make better sex partners, you know (and you can’t judge her anyway). She’ll sex you up until the wedding, then cut you off. Bonus if you find her with three thugspawn by two different men, and one ex husband.
Deti – how you could leave out the part how the best marriage girls are the never marrieds with offspring – by several different absentee fathers? And how well you can prove your manliness chops by taking care of her brood – er – delightful children?????
I am indeed remiss, tj. Yes, you are right. The best girls for marriage are in fact those well-worn women you see at the mall, sans makeup, carrying 30 extra pounds of baby weight, with at least two snot nosed, disrespectful, screaming brats in tow. Dude, this girl needs a father for her kids, and you, yes you, fit the bill. Get that checkbood out and put your dick away.
Well, the advice for men was covered very thoroughly in Roosh’s “Cuddle and Compliment” post a while back. I never could read the entire thing. I felt like my skin was crawling, in large part because it was only a moderate exaggeration of things I did when I was younger.
My weird colleague and I have a running joke about first dates. “Why not hire a limo?” we sometimes say when we talk about dating issues. Laughter between us always ensues. Everyone here thinks we’re nuts.
Private Man, this post would be funny if it didn’t so precisely resemble the truth.
The best satire resembles the truth. Deti’s comment is epic (as usual).
It doesn’t resemble the truth as much as it sounds like it could have come verbatim from something like Cosmo.
Wield thy cellular telephone as Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni wielded his hammer and chisel.
For thou art an artist.
…you can shop ’til you drop without an annoying Y chromosome type looking over your credit card statement.
And when you do meet Mr Fabulous, keep your 60 grand of credit card debt a secret until he has wifed you up.
Heh, I’d be more inclined to online date if credit checks were included – both sexes can rack up debt. I’d love to be able to pre-screen for that. Economic issues kill a lot of relationships and marriages. Lucky for me, I work in a field where all of the guys are “pre-screened” to an incredible degree (of course, so are us ladies, everybody wins). There’s super hot ones, average looking ones, ugly ones. Charming ones, awkward ones. But none of them that stick around are particularly stupid, irresponsible or inclined to criminal behaviors. It’s a testament to my own perverse introversion that I haven’t married one. Anyway, a guy doesn’t have to be rich – in fact, I wouldn’t want to date to far above my own “level”. I wouldn’t mind if the guy made a bit more than me – mostly because I know the guy feels better if it works out that way. Too much of a difference in income puts the relationship on a benefactor and sex-kitten (or jigolo) footing. I did read that several big sites are doing background checks at least – kind of cursory from the sound of it, just making sure they’re not registered sex offenders. Although to be fair, a coworker of mine nearly got “registered” for being publicly intoxicated on a base several years ago and losing his pants.
Anyway, my favorite line from the article: How do you know he’s second best? He doesn’t make your heart soar and your libido swoon. It’s just that simple. As you meet men – I recommend online dating – be sure that the chemistry is immediate and powerful. If you don’t want to jump his bones instantly, ditch him fast because your va-jay-jay will never forgive you if you don’t.
^One of the most stupid things too many women do.
sex-kitten, or simply “golddigger” as you prefer.
“Heh, I’d be more inclined to online date if credit checks were included . . .”
Your wish is my command?
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/perfect-10-never-mind-ask-015017521.html
Lousy y chromosome…with their constant logic and their thinking that actions equal consequences.
I think the X chromosome is the self destructive gene. My Y has to keep the X in check.
Or, as it was known in less Marxist times: The Natural Order of Things. 😉
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I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at these truths.
And deti just summed up how to keep betas in the dark.
Oh man…..just praise
TPM, you should really submit this as a guest post to XO Jane. Chicks don’t get satire, and if they published it, much hilarity would ensue. Plus, the ranks of the spinster-cat-ladies need to be replenished and the dating pool culled from time to time.
Keep up the good work!
Hmmmmm, this will require some interesting subversion. Thanks for the idea.
A truly funny post and yet so sad because that is exactly what all too many women believe.
Ahem – I had a feeling it was one of the fairy-tales from a bad written book, which leads to a certain nothing. Sure I’d like a guy to treat me well but doesn’t that go the both ways? I always thought that the right way is to give something to get something back. Why aren’t these things apparent or obvious?
Pretty damn funny! There’s definitely a Roissy/Roosh flavour to this particular post. Well done.
Jules
Do you date the men you work with? I personally do not dip the pen in company ink. When you say that you don’t mind if the man made more than you, does that mean your preference is that you earn more? That goes against the idea of female hypergamy.