The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Why Is Dating So Horrible?

There are two reasons. First, there are these words – “polite company”. It’s really rather simple. When we discuss dating in polite company (Ed – not while actually on a date), we tell each other lies. We tell each other what we are expected to say, not the actual truth of the matter. Worse, we believe the words. This is not a gender issue, it’s a polite company issue. In our zeal to avoid offending our delicate sensibilities, we set ourselves up for failure.

The results are predictable. As we believe those pretty lies (HT, Heartiste), our expectations become unrealistic. So then frustration and disappointment sets in when faced with the reality of meeting new people with the intent of dating. The contrast between the pretty lies and the actual dating process is big and ugly. It’s where words and actions never seem to meet.

The second reason dating sucks is the word “deserve”. We tell each other that we deserve to have everything we want in the opposite sex. Women tell this to each quite often as a way of bolstering egos and soothing hurt feelings. Ellen tells her perpetually single friend that she deserves a great man. The single friend internalizes that concept and dating success continues to elude her.

Men, however, can also have this attitude but it’s not expressed verbally nearly as often. Witness the whole “nice guy” social phenomenon. Men have been told to “be nice” and he will be more attractive to women. The man internalizes that and his attitude shifts to “I’m nice so I deserve this particular woman”. Love and laughter do not ensue for him.

It’s time for some candor. Men and women deserve nothing when it comes to dating the opposite sex. If we deserve anything, we deserve to know the truth about attraction and dating. Everything else, especially dating, requires effort in order to achieve success.

Yes, dating is horrible. But it doesn’t have to be. Armed with the truths about how men and women are actually attracted to each other, we have a fighting chance of actually reaching our relationship goals. The truth is coming out through blogs like this, self-published books, and a growing number of dating coaches willing to confront the social expectations of “polite company”.

Some background:

The Vicious Circle of Lies and Misinformation With Good News

The Vicious Cycle Of Misinformation And Lies

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22 thoughts on “Why Is Dating So Horrible?

  1. DirkJohanson on said:

    Dating is great if you do it the right: by paying the girl instead of paying a movie theater, paying a club, and paying a restaurant.

    • Dont forget paying her to leave. Basically entitlement is the problem with dating in the Anglosphere.

      • richard cook on said:

        Thank you for that. I don’t change my personality on a date. I am courteous and respectful but, I do not couch my opinions for anyone. Its too exhausting. If she wants to hear pretty little lies go elswhere. Once they find out you have strongly held beliefs its over.

  2. Before i hit the manosphere i came across an online dating coach for women, Evan Marc Katz. I found a lot of what he was telling refreshing, an witnessed a lot of push back from women, tho he always kept coming back with ‘but you’re still single and still coming to me for answers instead of asking yourself why you insist on keep doing the same things over and over and expect something to change?’. i found that candor very refreshing.

    i also read a blistering critique 2 days ago by someone (can’t recall) about ‘nice guys’ and he made some excellent points that in retrospect, are entirely true. it’s just sad that so many of us men become ‘niceguys’ is because it’s foisted upon us by the ignorant (and women’s hamsters) that it’s the appropriate way to end up in a relationship.

    Lastly, i had a conversation with my feminist coworker a while back about why i sucked at ‘dating’ and she said it’s because i speak too ‘bluntly’.. and i used the words ‘polite company’ to her saying i’m not good at it because it sets up a ruse, an act.. and eventually you will reach a point where someone turns around and says ‘YOUVE CHANGED! YOU WEREN’T LIKE THAT WHEN WE FIRST DATED!’.. well duh. She agreed i had a point.

    Everyone wants to be on their best behavior to win the day, only it’s usually unsustainable and unrealistic over the long haul. But if you don’t put up the act of polite company, you might not make it to being in a relationship in the first place?

    • Evan is really, really good. I’ve corresponded with him in the past. He’s doing yeoman work and seems like a pretty decent guy

      As a point of correction (I need to update that post) I refer to polite company in a NON-dating social context.

      • And Balls on said:

        EMK is a “personal trainer for smart, strong, successful women.” This better be some truth about abs shit

    • taterearl on said:

      It’s better to be upfront and honest and have her leave sooner (or she sticks around because that’s what she goes for)…than to spend more time being something you are not only for her to leave anyway because you were lying.

    • I think the traditional advice to be a “nice guy” may have worked in an earlier era. It wasn’t bad advice then but times have changed so it’s just outdated now. The people still giving that advice just aren’t aware that the change has occurred. Being the nice guy now just turns you into a beta orbiter who does favors for a girl when she’s not busy having sex with some loser bad boy type.

  3. Pingback: Why Is Dating So Horrible? « PUA Central

  4. This is what alcohol is for! Back when I was dating, I would always encourage whatever man I was with to have a few drinks. A pitcher of IPA will get rid of all the polite bullshit really fast, and you’ll know what you’re in for. My two rules were: pay for the pitcher and don’t get drunk yourself!

  5. rophie colada. wokka wokka.

    i was out with a woman a few nights ago on kind of a date. and she asked me, ” so what do you really like in a woman.”

    epic set-up.

    i thought about it for a second and said that sense of humor, intelligence, but i’d have to say, what i REEEEEALY like in a girl. i’d have to say my mule? and i made a kind of confused look. and i grinned. she burst into laughter and i told her, “that’s the hokiest question you could ever ask.” just be you, and i’m going to be me.

    than i thanked her for not pepper spraying me.

  6. It would help tremendously if both sides stop taking a meetup so seriously.

    Latest Post: Some Sound Advice

    • DC Phil on said:

      You could extend this to social events in general. The worst case is when the social event turns into a networking event — but, hey, it’s more honest and to-the-point than going bowling just to “meet people.” I prefer to go to something for a reason, then see how the attendees act within those contexts.

      When you leave things open-ended, the default is to not rock the boat.l

  7. Most men fail in dating because of honesty. Women live in a fantasy world looking for a unicorn. Good luck getting anywhere by implying that such a thing does not exist. You won’t even get friendzoned.

    Basically most women are either blissfully fooled or miserable in reality.

    Lies and bullshit works, but is not everyone’s cup of tea.

    • taterearl on said:

      Nah most men fail because they aren’t who they truly are. They try to fit into her standards.

      Honesty is staying true to who you are no matter what chicks try to throw your way.

  8. Nupnupnup on said:

    I am fully aware that I deserve nothing. But I want everything. Since I cannot get it, I will stick with nothing (which beats having the wrong type of ‘something’ in my experience)

  9. DC Phil on said:

    Of interest, in the context of online dating:

    Growing up, I hated small talk but felt it was necessary to grease the wheels and get the other person talking (or, in most cases, to get ME talking because I was a reticent kid who took in more than he gave out, or who was content to be in his own little world). Weather, interests, etc. Bo-ring. At times, someone said something that perked up my ears, and so I began talking more, in an effort to learn about that something.

    There’s one thing that’s not usually covered in discussions such as this: vibe. Or, put another way, “attraction isn’t a choice.” (Hats off to David DeAngelo for that classic line.) The more attuned we are to the cues, the more we can discern the other’s vibe. It works for both sexes, though women are better at it than men, due to their makeup. What makes it worse is when women start checklisting, then they get confused. This has been covered before, but important to bring focus back here for a moment.

  10. I wish I could tell all the blue pull men that they deserve nothing, that they need to work for and earn anything they get.

    But then, they’ll just become nicer to women, not realizing that’s not the kind of work they need to put into it to get results.

  11. Dating is horrible because most men don’t understand the difference between BOY affections and MAN affections. One works, the other doesn’t.

    xsplat, in his infinite wisdom, figured this out, caused me to put it into some words, and caused him to quote me (a circle of brilliance all around):

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