Reader Mailbag – The 30Something Single Professional Woman
This very interesting email arrived just last night. I must credit the writer with coming forward and offering some honest insights about herself and the challenges of meeting the type of men she is attracted to.
I happened upon your blog by accident, and I am fascinated. On paper, I am perhaps your epitome of pushy, hard-headed female — I am very educated (lawyer), ruthlessly independent (by necessity–a girl’s gotta live until she meets her mate, right?), capable and young-ish (just turned 30).
Being independent is fine and expected. Doing it to the point where you think that you don’t need anyone is taking it too far. As social creatures and living in a social environment, human beings rely on each other constantly. When the need arises, we turn to specialists such as physicians and plumbers. Every day we interact with people and use their skills for our benefit. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Like the feminists before me, I do not need a man to save me from my life. Unlike them, however, I have learned that I can change a tire and do quite a number of other things without the assistance of a y chromosome, but I don’t actually want to. Although I cannot say that I want to spend my days barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, I do want my house to smell like cookies during the holidays and I want someone to mow the lawn, who I can praise for a job well done that I don’t have to pay. I know a shocking number of intelligent and attractive females of my age who share these thoughts.
This is the crux of the matter. A small, noisy, and unrealistic group of people has created the expectation that women should act like men to reach some type of mythical “equality”. That’s contra naturum (against nature) and will fail. Biology. Always. Wins. This young woman has a longing to be feminine, to show nurturing, to show care. Yet she – and others she knows – obviously feels massively conflicted about this. How can a hard-charging lady lawyer also bake cookies without violating some feminist expectation? Easy, she can ignore such social expectations because they were created by idiots. Consider this expectation – why is she not baking holiday cookies?
I haven’t expressed this concern to my girlfriends, but I am secretly afraid that we (intelligent, independent women that I know) are somehow secretly scaring away (or not attracting?) the men we are most attracted to: a competent and confident male. Basically, someone we respect enough to let lead. I do not think there is a greater compliment that I can pay to a man than to: (1) ask him his opinion and (2) follow his advice.
This is also quite relevant. She’s looking for a competent and confident man. All women are looking for such a guy. These fellows are at the top 20% of men and they have options regarding women. As has been said before, what does she offer a competent and confident man? Is she truly feminine? Is she physically attractive? Is she pleasant, happy, warm, passionate, and caring? Without such qualities, she’s not scaring anyone away, she’s simply unattractive as a woman. But I sense in her words that she knows the score and hasn’t yet completely admitted it. And why the obsession with independence? You want independence? Go survive in the woods all alone. In meantime, count how many times each day you rely on something created by someone else (usually a man). That road didn’t build itself. That courthouse didn’t spontaneously appear.
I am to the point now that I question whether such men exist in my small part of the world. Sadly, I have turned to the on-line world and seem to only attract guys with a million kids by 8 different women, who can’t support themselves, much less their progeny. No, I am not looking to be my man’s mother. Or, I attract a man who lacks confidence and self-worth. If he doesn’t value himself, why should I? Or if he is incapable of making his own life decisions, I am certainly not going to let him make mine.
Competent and confident men do exist but they are attracted to the feminine and our letter-writer has yet to embrace and express her femininity with authenticity. Years of “conventional wisdom” has inculcated in her a masculine frame. I’ve read her online dating profile and she used the word “competitive” to describe herself. Competitive? Really? Cupcake, you can’t compete with men. Men always win. We’re stronger, more intelligent, far more patient, and willing to take the kinds of risks that women would never even conceive of. Don’t compete with men, cooperate with them. Men are not your rivals. Men are not the enemy. Men are your partners, protectors, and providers if you let them.
As an aside, do the dating exercise for women (links below). It can be life-changing. Also, do not bash men nor let your friends do the same. That’s an exercise in profound negativity and will poison your psyche about men in general. It’s also pure bigotry. Additionally, don’t ever discuss your dating endeavors with anyone (link below), especially your single female friends.
[Sidebar: Gentlemen, re-read this line often: “If he is incapable of making his own life decisions, I am certainly not going to let him make mine.” That’s gold.]
Hers is the dilemma that will become a massive social issue in the coming years. For educated women, there simply won’t be enough eligible men. As every Manospherian knows, hypergamy is biologically wired and no amount of social expectation will convince women to marry “down”.
I am curious as to your thoughts regarding my lack of success. Maybe it is all me–maybe I’m too fat or more difficult to work with than I think. I am in [redacted], 30 years old, single, average, never married, no kids.
I’ve seen her photos and read her profile. She has a reasonably attractive face but needs to lose weight. Also, she doesn’t stress enough her feminine qualities nor does she describe what she offers the competent and confident man that she seeks (link below). There is a massive shortage of femininity in modern women. Those women who understand that the feminine – in looks and actions – attracts the masculine will be the ones attracting that minority of competent and confident men.