The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Stop Holding Hands

So you’re out and about on a date with a woman who you fancy and she fancies you. You’ve already kissed passionately and perhaps she’s had the experience of your lust. You feel warmth and comfort for this woman. As you are ambling down the lane, you might be tempted to reach out and hold her hand…

Yo, chumpkin*…STOP. RIGHT. THERE.

Holding cupcake’s hand is weak. It just is and especially so in public. If you want physical closeness as you are walking, there’s only one maneuver to use:

“Take my arm” as you extend your elbow. Say it confidently with the full expectation that she will loop her arm under yours. Hand-holding is private.

This gesture is a subtle though powerful display of a man’s leadership in the relationship. He’s literally steering her along as they walk. There’s also a strong element of protection. Leadership and protection, this is what women crave deep in their collective psyches. When she takes your arm – and it’s your damned job to offer it – it sets the frame of the relationship. To wit:

This is how it’s done. And while you’re at it, tilt your head up just slightly.

You’re welcome.

*I was also toying with chumpopotamus, chumpasaurus, chumpanzee, and chumpy

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46 thoughts on “Stop Holding Hands

  1. Chumpopotamus is my personal favourite.. Also, I have to agree – and women only nag men about hand-holding for kicks (i.e. to see if they can get them to do something they don’t want to do). I prefer to grab a wing, personally, but it’s usually because I’m wearing really high heels and don’t want to fall over : )

  2. You’re also a lot closer to each other, a lot more contact. Basically bringing her physically into your frame.

    I hope that picture was taken near a beach…

  3. I’ve always held this approach. I remember when i was courting my then wife and she always wanted to hold hands. I didn’t mind when we were in the car or in the movie theater.

    But out in public walks or walking the dog, it was always ‘elbow out’ and getting the hook. Holding hands is what girlfriends do with each other and its almost instant friendzone shite. It’s beyond highschoolish.

    Hooking the elbow also allows you to control the pace of the walk, she can’t pull or wander. It also promotes closeness because you’re almost actually joined at the hip and have to concentrate a bit on your movement to move in concert with her as to not step on toes or bang legs. Like a mini dance you’re not aware of.

    It’s also how i can gauge a woman’s interest. If i throw the elbow out, shoot the smile and motion my head with ‘go ahead and hook it’ gesture, if its quick and instantaneous… its a good sign.

    Arm hook. Ladies love arm hook.

    Holding hand. Friendzoning beyotches love holding hand.

    • Agreed. I got one more to add to the list: kids. holding hands is what I do with my children, not some girl I’m hoping to eventually fuck.

      Although now that I think of it I’ve done the holding hands thing before. And I’ve always hated it too (with women).

  4. sosweet2362 on said:

    Spot on…I love holding on to the arm. I’m petite and my stride is shorter than most men’s. Holding hands usually results in me being dragged along. It is much more comfortable to stroll in heels than to have to walk unnaturally fast to keep up with you tall gents.

  5. blogster on said:

    watch in particular women from asian cultures. you will see this quite often – the man will be walking ahead, the woman instinctively has her forearm wrapped around his elbow. and his focus is never completely on her – largely the energy flows from her to him and from him to the outside world.

    and when a women does it instinctively, it is very feminine and quite a joy to experience. having had asian girlfriends, i can say there is nothing quite like it – an automatic display of submissiveness in your direction.

    of course highly ‘liberated’ women quickly characterise it as demeaning and i have gotten many looks because of it. but F#%k them.

  6. A previous girlfriend was 16″ shorter than me, so about the only way to maintain physical contact while walking was to hold hands. My elbow was right about the level of her face. It lead to a few embarrassing events.

  7. Hmm, yes, I love it. I’ve always kinda disliked holding hands. In the South, it’s just Too Damned Hot for that mess, especially when a guy’s fingers are so much bigger than mine that intertwining fingers becomes downright uncomfortable. The arm hold just feels right. Demure public submission.

  8. redpillwifey on said:

    Reblogged this on Adventures in Red Pill Wifery and commented:
    The Private Man has some good thoughts on hand-holding. Arm holding is much more romantic, I think. Subtle, demure public submission.

  9. Good reminder. We walk briskly for exercise, so hand-holding is all that works, under those circumstances. Otherwise, arm-holding is THE WAY to go. By the way. DO IT THE RIGHT WAY! – Like the picture above. Recently, we watched the kids at prom, and I couldn’t believe it; the guys would hold their gals’ arms like morons, or drowning victims. Please, explain this to your kids. They need the help.

    Strolling is a lot different that walking, and it’s really a great tip. On those occasions, we don’t hesitate to drape her from my arm, sauntering along, without a care in the world. Classy and fun. Mustn’t get sloppy or lazy. Thanks for pointing it out.

  10. Trouble on said:

    How does one know such things? Intuitively, I would never have known the distinction that you state, without the manosphere. And since i grew up without the internetwebz, well……..

  11. BigBadBear on said:

    Good stuff, spot on. I picked this up from Roosh a while back, when venue changing after the first drink on a 1st date – as soon as you are outside, offer the arm. If she doesn’t immediately take it, take her arm and literally place it through yours before proceeding.

    Only thing is, my hand of the arm being held feels slightly awkward just sort of held at an angle across my chest. I never really know what to do with it, I just make a fist and rest there.

    • Put your hand in your pocket or you look like an idiot. And let her hook her arm through yours. Holding your arm across your chest like that just looks uncomfortable and unnatural and seriously stupid.

      • Minor correction, Fi…A man’s hands never go in his pockets unless he’s retrieving his wallet, keys, or smokes. The guy in the photo is just letting his free arm hang naturally, likely swinging it just a bit.

      • @fi
        That’s EXACTLY what I was thinking! Thank you for pointing that out. This guy looks like he is saying the pledge of allegiance or something.

        Pocket all the way.

  12. Yeah, without practice, it can feel a little awkward. Don’t sweat it. Picture holding the top button on a sport coat or hooking the lapel with your fingers. No big deal, just be cool, loose, and relaxed. Act like you know what you’re doing, and it will come off alright. It is very true that pockets are off-limits in formal settings. Sometimes you can get away with it. And a guy who has it all together can break a lot of rules and still pull it off.

    Wow, we’re headed for etiquette lessons. Game helps to replace some of these lost tricks. Before the web, it was passed down through the generations, from Father to Son. Most of that is gone now. Formal occasions offer a crash course, but it’s hit-or-miss. Lots of guys skip over the little touches that can sweep her away. It’s good stuff.

  13. sestamibi on said:

    Uh-oh. Someone tell The Beatles . . .

  14. Anaïs on said:

    Yes! I do it all the time even if the man hasn’t offered his arm. It’s completely instinctive for me. I just stroll along while he leads the way and sets the pace. Holding hands is infantile.

  15. Ha. This has always been my go-to move. As others have commented, it pulls a woman into your frame and gets her much closer. And, as a reminder of the colder weather, a woman will often grab on with an arm and her other free hand. I remember discovering an iconic representation of this. The cover to Bob Dylan’s album The Freewheeling Bod Dylan, which you can see here.

    Yeah, his hands are in his pockets, but I’ll give it a pass because it’s cold. But she’s not just hooked on his arm, she’s hugging it. And smiling fiercely. Sure, he’s Bob Dylan at the frenzied heart of his early popularity, but shouldn’t you really be striving for the same reaction in your women? If you don’t aim high, you’ll never reach the heights.

    It’s also a good test of her interest. If you throw out your elbow in the classic gesture and she hesitates, refuses, or simply acts bewildered, she’s not that into you and is likely not good relationship material. If she takes your arm automatically and pulls closer, you’re good to go. Chances are she’s even more attracted to you than a moment before…

  16. Yes indeed! I need to do this more often. Keep up the good posts.

  17. sunshinemary on said:

    This post is an excellent lesson.

    Oh, and hand-holding is icky even in private. Don’t do it. Put your arm around her or something. Be possessive in your body language. Egalitarian body language is for Best Friends, not lovers.

    When walking together in public, I hold my husband’s arm; he doesn’t hold his arm across his chest like the guy in the photo; his elbow is barely extended usually. In a crowded space, he pulls my arm up higher under his and presses his arm in tighter to his body so that he can maneuver us through. It’s sort of like ballroom-dancing; he leads, she follows.

  18. The elbow out is the classy, manly way to walk with a woman. It’s probably the way the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man In The World does it.

  19. I looked for a picture to illustrate the pose when I wrote http://xsplat.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/the-architectural-tone-of-your-relationship/ .

    Ya, that’s a superior posture to holding hands. Less egalitarian.

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  21. BigBadBear on said:

    To re-iterate Private Man, you believe the hand of the arm she is holding should go across your chest, like the dude in the picture? I agree with not pocketing it, but still feels a little awkward

  22. Especially holding hands with the guy having his hand in the back position. (where man’s palm is facing forward, woman’s palm facing back)

    Back in my blue pill days, occasionally my hand would be grabbed so that my palm was facing forward. At that time could not figure out the unease I felt in my stomach, walking like that. And the comfort I felt walking palms backward.

    Until… I got high on red.

    Now, no hand holding.

    Leave a venue, I strike out my bent elbow and without fail, the girls hook in.

    Exception: One failed to hook in. And she tried. After few minutes walking she was “Can we hold hands? I feel like hanging from a tree”. Could forgive that, especially when she complied with the right way of holding.

    Nowadays I see so many young guys who are trailing behind their girls, hands palm forward like a beggar, makes me cringe.

    Then I start thinking of the brainwashing, and thank to all the Gods that I got some dose of Red before I would feel like posting to IHateMyLife. Late is never too late. It is always earlier than too late.

  23. “Chumpanzee” fucking rules. Gonna steal that one

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  25. For those of you who feel a bit strange and don’t know what to do with your hand, just hold it confidently in place. It absolutely does NOT look awkward. On the contrary, it looks quite masculine to hold it in such an astute manner. I advise against putting it on your chest or in your pocket as it shows that you are, indeed, uncomfortable. No one will think you uncomfortable if you own it.

  26. stormy on said:

    I’ve only linked arms with other girls. I love hand holding. Anyone who doesn’t want to hold my hand in public is weird. Not worth my time.

  27. I am new to your blog and had a little giggle at this post! Could I suggest another ‘chumpism’: chumpnuts! A woman must not be afraid to actually grasp his arm (without spreading the fingers apart – not elegant!) It is lovely to hold on to a man. It almost feels like a declaration of dedication and trust. Hand holding is quite intimate and can feel a little embarrassing. Taking his arm feels more of a gentle yet dominant gesture whereas hand holding, controlling.

  28. The Lone Planet on said:

    ???

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  30. Titanium on said:

    Just looking at the picture makes me feel awkward. I’ll have to try it though.

  31. Few years back, while walking through a Renaissance faire with my squeeze, one of the actors teased us because palm-to-palm hand-holding should be reserved for the bedroom.

    A year ago, while on a first date, I extended my elbow to the girl. She looked at me like I was from Mars. Do people not do this anymore? That sent up a huge red flag and I dipped about thirty minutes later. She was conservative, so I magnified my seedy past so she’d never call for a second date.

  32. Handholding is acceptable… if you’re her girlfriend.
    Offer the arm. It looks ridiculous for adults to be running around holding hands.

  33. Emma the Emo on said:

    I like both. Handholding with a boyfriend is so cute. But hooking a men’s elbow makes them feel manly and how can I deny them that. heheh

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