The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “September 23, 2012”

What’s He Doing Wrong?

My incoming mail yields greatness. This one arrived just today and I’ve posted unedited and uncorrected. So, what’s he doing wrong? This is a test. Consider his age and the nature of his out-going messages. Your comments are expected. If you don’t comment, my dog will bite you. Ta.

We all know women on dating sites get a ton of messages.  However, they almost unanimously say that it’s still very difficult to find someone decent, because those messages aren’t from the “right type of guy.”  Well, I’ve come to a realization:  They are completely, 100% full of it, and I’ve got proof based upon my own experience.

I’m going to describe myself a little; but first, let me add in a little disclaimer to avoid any misunderstanding.  I am in no way trying to imply that I’m an amazing guy every woman should be swooning over.  I can’t be the judge of that; and even so, I really don’t see myself that way at all.  What I’m going to tell you are just characteristics that can be picked up from my dating site profile, and elements of my conduct on these sites.  I will try to keep it as objective as I can.  So here we go:

-I’m six feet tall.
-I work out regularly and am in excellent physical shape.
-In my early 20’s, I have a well-paying full-time job in a highly respected field. (Income is listed at $50,000-60,000)
-On OKCupid’s MyBestFace, an app which pits your photos up against others and has people judge which are more attractive, mine are chosen the vast majority of the time.  In other words, strangers have rated my photos as significantly more attractive than most.
-I don’t have any cell phone mirror pics or other forms of douchebaggery.
-I don’t have a sketchy or threatening look about me.  I’m clean-cut… no facial hair, no tattoos, no piercings, etc.
-I always write with proper grammar in mind.
-When I message someone initially, I always try to start a conversation based on something in her profile.  I end every message with some kind of open-ended question.  I do the same throughout the convo if she responds and we start going back and forth.  I never give physical compliments, make mention of anything sexual, or say anything even remotely impolite.
-I don’t message the hottest girls I can find; I message girls who are realistically cute, and who I think I’d get along with based on their profiles.  I don’t believe that my standards for “cute” are all that high, as I tend to find more women attractive than my friends do.
-I only message girls within a few years of my own age.
-My profile doesn’t brag in any way, or contain any hint of negativity/bitterness.  It has a playful tone throughout.  It’s about medium as far as length (yea yea that’s what she said).

Jaded older men probably believe that I’m the kind of guy these women devote all their attention to.  Well, want to know what kind of results I’ve gotten after messaging over 100 women?  Not one date.  Not even a phone number.  Nothing.  About 70% of women ignored the initial message I sent.  Of the 30% who responded, every single one either put in zero effort and basically forced me to drag her through the conversation (in which cases I gave up), or randomly bailed out of the conversation at some point (always within several messages each back and forth, because at that point I suggest exchanging phone #s/adding each other on facebook).  I’ve taken a bunch of messages that resulted in seemingly interested girls ceasing to respond, and run them by a female friend, asking her “how I’m managing to scare off every girl I talk to.”  She said she could find absolutely no fault with any of my messages; that I sounded fun, interesting, intelligent, and normal.

Let’s go back to the original point of contention… that girls claim to only get interest from the “wrong type of guy.”  Now go back and reread the facts I listed about myself, this time with this horrible little tidbit in your mind:  That person whom those facts describe… is STILL the “wrong type of guy” according to these women.  Wrap your head around that one.

As I alluded to before, I am very far from a perfect person, and I make no claim of being an Adonis that every girl should want.  I have no problem acknowledging that.  But while I have my share of faults, none of them are really things that come through in a dating site environment.  From what little info about me these women possess, I have no apparent flaws.  Yet not a single one ultimately deems me worth getting to know.

I write this not to whine about my situation.  In fact, I feel very lucky to have some superficial things going for me in the first place.  God help the poor bastards who are 5’7”, or unemployed; I’m sure they’re discarded even more readily.  I write this to give other struggling guys some perspective on the type of women they’re dealing with on dating sites.  These are people who are completely and hopelessly self-deluded.  They have convinced themselves that anyone who doesn’t meet their pathetically specific, unrealistic vision of Prince Charming is “the wrong type of guy.”  You should not feel inadequate for being unable to gain their approval, because no one can.

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