The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Charisma Travels Light (Guest post from LostSailor)

LostSailor is a tremendously talented commenter on quite a few blogs. I asked if he wanted to post on my blog as a guest and he gracefully agreed. What follows below is his first post… his first of many, I hope.

Developing Charisma or “inner-Game” is increasingly essential for a man to achieve the success he wants while dating in the currently Darwinian sexual market place (SMP). The pickup artistry (PUA) parts of the Manosphere provide tips, tricks, scripts, and routines for beginners who are just becoming aware that they need more in their arsenal than average looks and showering once a day. The Game blogs elevate and broaden those concepts into an overall way of living consistent with continuing to suppress or eliminate beta tendencies and making alpha traits part of your life.

But Charisma, I think, is more than that. Properly understood, Charisma isn’t just about a way of living, but a way of thinking and being. If a man can develop his Game to the extent that he no longer has to consciously think about his interactions with women while still being successful, he has found true Charisma. Think of it as Zen-Game.

Now, the fact that we’re in the Manosphere and reading about all this makes it unlikely that we’re going to become bodhisattvas of Game, but one of the keys to Charisma starts with some self-examination. The Manosphere echoes with laments about women who are bitter and critical, the “head-cases” who come with too much baggage. And while it’s true, it’s also true that the ladies express the same lament about men. Men’s rights activists (MRAs) and beta men complain about the unfairness of the SMP, about the lopsided legal landscape of the divorce regime and family courts, about the societal pressure to “man-up” in a culture that denigrates the masculine, but they are sabotaging themselves in the SMP by perpetuating emotional responses to the facts of our feminized era. Charisma does not complain.

Most of us have had the “ah-ha!” moment when we first discovered the Red Pill. I believe my reaction was a common one, one that mirrors the Kubler-Ross stages of grieving. Denial, anger, depression (link below). And it very much is like grieving, grieving for believing the lies, the lost time, broken relationships, or years of involuntary celibacy.

The truth is, we all come with baggage, whether it’s duffel, a steamer trunk, or a packing crate. The Charismatic man has learned how to open the suitcase and unpack it. He has emptied out the Dopp-kit of anger, the garment-bag of bitterness, and the travel-case of frustration. He no longer needs them.

The beta is constantly hampered by dragging around a Hefty sack of unresolved issues. The Charismatic man travels light.

Kübler-Ross model

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41 thoughts on “Charisma Travels Light (Guest post from LostSailor)

  1. P Ray on said:

    Even easier based on the previous post:
    Not blood? No boning? No body (cares).

  2. The end of a marriage sucks hard. It’s a death. Men aren’t the only ones who can end up bitter and disappointed. Some of us did our best to be good spouses, and really terrible shit happened to us. My marriage destroyed me on multiple levels. It took me years to rebuild the capacity to trust.

    I didn’t really start to heal, though, until I looked that shit square in the face and owned my own responsibility in it. I married an abusive guy and it was my choice. I chose that life.

    There is power in owning your own culpability, openly examining your personal weaknesses and patterns, working through the issues that have kept you stuck, and moving past them into a place where you forgive yourself and let go of the past. Yes, I chose that life, but I have the capacity to choose. I am not a victim of circumstances, I am the mistress of my own destiny. I can choose something different, something better. It’s funny…I used to counsel violent offenders down that very same path and had to eventually be counseled down it myself.

    It’s still there, some scars I will probably always carry, but that old shit doesn’t control me anymore. I have moments where something sends me back there, but they are few and far between these days. Personal responsibility is, to me, the biggest single factor in whether people move on or stay stuck in a dark place.

    • P Ray on said:

      Tell me about the time you told women to choose good men.
      I’m sure it will be a riveting story.

      • Tell me the story about the time you had a girlfriend, P Ray, until you put a hole in her plastic. I’m sure it will be fascinating.

        (Willie Wonka meme is so 2011)

      • P Ray on said:

        Ladies first! Since you only appreciate traditional men…

      • Who gave you the impression that I only appreciate traditional men, and what on earth does that have to do with the excellent post by Lost Sailor?

      • P Ray on said:

        Meh. Your stories are very inconsistent … based on what you’ve said in the past at Dalrock, “DubiousWonder”.

      • Original Trouble on said:

        In what way do you consider them inconsistent? My husband and I were married in March after dating for 4 years. He’s a Navy reservist and full-time graduate student.

        I changed my username because I found the blog via Sex and Moxie’s site, and had posted with Lost Sailor and Private Man over there. Wow. You’re like a detective. Have you ever considered a career in criminal justice?

      • P Ray on said:

        No, but I’ve considered a career as a hamster-tamer.
        Like Ash Ketchum, but cooler. 🙂

      • Original Trouble on said:

        Yeah, I’m not sure you have the skills, bro.

    • P Ray on said:

      That’s rich coming from a woman who “couldn’t keep her man loyal” 🙂

  3. Breeze on said:

    Charismatic person: The person everyone wants to like them. True alpha male. Best achieved by having an awesome life, strong integrity and not compromising

    Charming person: Wants everyone to like them. PUA. Best achieved by basing your entire being around women and changing yourself to get them to like you

  4. I strongly agree with the basic premise of this entry.

    The best help I’ve ever gotten in improving my relationships with women was no “pick-up guide” or “game blog”.

    It was Dr. Robert Glover’s book No More Mr. Nice Guy.

    A self-help/self-improvement book.

    [I wish it had been published 15 years earlier than when it was.]

    In short::

    Improve and be happier/more honest with yourself and the rest will pretty much follow.

  5. Infantry on said:

    Yes, letting go of all the bitterness is one of the final stages of absorbing the red pill. You accept that this is the way the world is, and you see the behaviour of women as like any other law of physics. It is what it is.

    Personally I’m no longer bitter at women, but still get satisfaction from helping others digest the red pill and move beyond their own bitterness. It’s also satisfying opposing feminists and halting their influence on society so we can have some semblence of balance for future generations.

    • P Ray on said:

      We have to do right by cats – they need masters, and many women step up to that role admirably. They can’t do that if they have a husband that disappoints them or kids they have to care for.

  6. Nice first post, LS

    I’m not bitter for swallowing the red pill and seeing that women are as superficial, if not more so, than men.

    I’m not bitter for having to learn game and charisma. Its good for me. Its good to travel light.

    I’m VERY bitter because I’m surrounded by all of these obese heffers that I have no interest in. The women that are attractive that are still slender for my age (nearly 50) is extremely rare, and the few that exist have personality issues or STD’s.

    You pretty much need to be feckin rich to get a slender woman who is sexually attractive where I live.

    So, I’m bitter because there is absolutely NO ONE to practice game/charisma on.

    • P Ray on said:

      Take a vacation overseas, or spend some days out of town.
      In other words, be the dashing, mysterious stranger that no-one can immediately pigeonhole just yet.
      Or practice “Hostage Game” at your nearest strip mall.

      • just visiting on said:

        @ PM

        It was the main topic in all of the ladie’s magazines. Daughters were bombarded with all kinds of agonizing questions if we were thin. I think that it still lurks in the minds of gen x women who grew up with it, and the daughters that they had.

    • Your bitterness is understandable.

    • This is where the concept of leagues becomes a hard lesson for us all. I was a single mom with two kids in my 40s. Having unrealistic standards probably would have resulted in me having a long-term career as a cat-herder. Generally speaking, your league is comprised of the group of people who show interest with you, including some that you have no interest. But, if the women you are attracted to routinely are unresponsive to you, the hard fact is that they are probably out of your league. Women sometimes think they can sleep with a man who is out of their league, and keep him, but end up getting used for sex. Men, aside from Channing Tatum and Richard Gere, rarely have this problem.

      So, the issue probably isn’t them, it’s you. How are your standards working out for you?

      • Bah. Sorry for all of the typos above.

      • The fact remains is if there was not an obesity epidemic I would have more possibilities to choose from. Read this carefully, Ms. “equity-feminist” (Roissy says it better than myself):

        As Roissy correctly points out, female hypergamy and obesity are the main drivers of the dating market. They pretty much insure that unless you are an alpha, you will not get a woman of equal SMV for an LTR. If there was no obesity and hypergamy was controlled, then getting an equal SMV partner would be possible.

        This is the main reason why men are turning to porn in droves.

      • I’m not an equity feminist. I was the breadwinner in my family when I got divorced, I paid my ex-husband a lump sum settlement in that divorce (this is what happens to breadwinners in shared property/no-fault states). If I hadn’t been well established professionally, I’d have been the one living in a two-bedroom apartment in a less than desirable part of town. I pay for 90% of my children’s costs.

        As far as your argument, alphas aren’t getting squeezed out of anything. Alphas continue to have their pick in the dating realm. The reason that you are following red pill theory is because you believe this. In most societies, Alphas have the money, the power, the physical prowess, and the natural charisma. Betas (at least in PUA-speak) are the ones being squeezed by hypergamy and obesity, because they have difficulty competing with alpha males for the most desirable females.

        Are you self-labeling as a beta?

      • Indeed Im a beta minus, if at that. Im quite honest about who I am and my capabilities.

        The obesity epidemic has really eliminated any competition that a sexually attractive women may have as Roissy points out. 30 years ago I would have far more chance of getting a sexually attractive woman, as there would be plenty to choose from. All men would.

      • just visiting on said:

        @ NMH

        Thin wins.
        I blame all of the anorexia stories that came out in the early eighties and beyond. Parents were scared that if they harped on their daughters weight, she’d become Karen Carpenter.

      • Hmmmmm, I remember all that. And that does fit into the obesity epidemic.

      • just visiting on said:

        @ PM

        whoops, my reply to you ended up thread.

      • Infantry on said:

        Yes, it does fit with basic SMP economics. If you expand it internationally, the league system is more complicated.

        I’m living in a first world city based around a booming male dominated industry. There are many more young males (18-40) in this city than women. There’s a glut of supply of men driving up the ‘cost’ of attractive women. I’m a world traveller. With game and a personality suited to interacting with different cultures I consistently attracted better quality women (both in looks and personality/femininity) overseas (from first world countries mind you) compared to how I’m doing now.

        Roissy was on the money when he talked about hypergamy and the obesity epidemic.

      • P Ray on said:

        It may be true that alphas aren’t getting squeezed out of anything – but women certainly are.
        – more cats are getting masters
        – fewer men are willing to be a womans’ second choice
        – dating (i.e. free meal for the girl) is being reduced among girls who’ve lost their looks (Christie Brinkley doesn’t count)
        – providers exist for men if they want that
        – hostage game to use on retail workers
        – more men having the red pill or going ghost.
        I predict a lot more “liberated women raising kids” aka single moms. Oh well, nobody said being a strong, independent woman was easy. 🙂

      • I’ve never complained about being a strong, independent woman and raising my kids alone. I like being a mom, and I’m a good one. Raising kids is important work, hence, it’s challenging. This is to be expected, most things worth doing in life are difficult.

        Some people whine when life gets challenging and make excuses (you). Others just do what needs to be done (me),

        Telling me that you’re going to take your toys and go home because you can’t set the rules on the playground is amusing and a little sad. I don’t need you as a playmate. Most women don’t. If women wanted you, you wouldn’t be here making excuses and whining.

        So who has the problem here? (Hint: It isn’t me. I’m just bored and entertaining myself).

  7. just visiting on said:

    @ NMH

    No, in the past few months I think you’ve moved up. Between beta and greater beta.
    Your comments and the back and forth between you and your detractors on PM’s harem post cemented that in my mind.

  8. LostSailor on said:

    Thanks for the props. Except maybe P Ray who may have some dirty socks and underwear in his suitcase left to unpack…

  9. Off topic: this looks ripe for you to analyze PM:

    The comments give me hope that women’s poor behavior will not go unchallenged.

  10. just visiting on said:

    Thanks for an uplifting post LS. I agree with your zen theory. Once you self reflect and start improvements, it shows in a spectrum of areas in your life. And becomes effortless and seamless. Well, most of the time, lol.

    I chuckled when I read ” bodhisattvas of Game”. ST at the Sanctuary once wrote (being Catholic) about the Saints of the smp. Though I have a feeling that if one were to develop alpha and push it above and beyond the barriers of personality and ego, you would have spiritual enlightenment.

  11. Pingback: Linkage Is Good For You – 7-29-12 | Society of Amateur Gentlemen

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