The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Outcome Independence – Find Her Flaw

While talking Red Pill wisdom with a younger colleague (single guy), he expressed curiosity about the concept of outcome independence. He was going to a music event over the weekend and was looking for some motivation because he was fully intending to socially interact with girls during the concert. He was skeptical about outcome independence as he knew full well that a man’s DNA wants him to be outcome dependent.

I acknowledged the dilemma he would face. I imagined him talking to some hot girl and all during the conversation his DNA would be screaming “do something, say something to get this girl to have sex with you!” I told him this one piece of simple advice:

“Find her flaw.”

This guy is 26 years old. His biological imperative regarding procreation is strong. Translated – he’s fucking horny. Fortunately, he’s a smart guy and absorbs Red Pill wisdom like a sponge. He considered that advice for a moment. “I’ll do that.”

Even the hottest girl has a flaw. It could be an ugly regional accent. It could be that she laughs like a braying donkey. It could be that her nose is slightly off-center. For a man to attain any kind of outcome independence, he must find that flaw and silently focus on it during the course of the social interaction.

This is a very difficult lesson for guys just starting to work on their Charisma. Too many younger men were taught to put girls on the pedestal and ignore their flaws. Finding a woman’s flaw(s) takes strength and incredible resolve. The more physically attractive the girl, the more a man must work to find – and then focus on – the the flaw. If she’s also pleasant and friendly, then it becomes a truly herculean effort.

This advice might seem negative. It’s not. This is Dating 2.0 where a man needs every skill and tactic in order for him to achieve his relationship goals. Removing outcome dependence is one of the most important tactics.

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43 thoughts on “Outcome Independence – Find Her Flaw

  1. Jesus, but this is brilliant.

  2. You’ve put in to words something I’ve naturally done for years without thinking of it.
    On the contrary, *ignoring* a woman’s flaws takes more strength and resolve.
    Then again, I’m getting older, so this gets easier every day.

  3. Once you find a flaw what do you do with it? Do you just keep it to yourself and this way if she blows you off, then you have a way of making yourself feel better since you wont have to deal with that flaw? Or do you bring up that flaw in conversation somehow so she knows that she isn’t on a pedestal? I get the concept but dont know what the end game is of having that info.

  4. Nine Furies on said:


    When you find a flaw and actively contemplate it with a particular girl you will begin to subcommunicate that she isnt up to par with your standards. This will drive her hamster insane. The hotter the chick is the more acute her reaction is. So you really wanna shoot for the stars….you dont wanna waste anytime on truly substandard girls(looks wise) do you?

    You really dont even have to verbalize the flaw. Just make roundabout qualifying comments in the general vicinity.

    About a year ago when I first started really using game and putting it all together I picked up this platinum blond stunner from my job. 5’8, long legs, hair down to her ass almost and huge natural tits. I knew she was used to being fawned over constantly by dumbass dudes. So basically I just treated her like she wasnt good enough. Never actually said this but my actions said I didnt give two shits. I was applying the principles of game and it was almost surreal. I remember her getting all emotional one night at her apt and she says to me

    “You know I just really feel like Im not good enough for you.” In my logical mind I couldnt fucking believe she was saying this lol. So I said somethin like “nah ur cool” and she seemed really upset. Guess what happened next?

    Rough sex. Thank you game!

    And good post as usual PM

    • P Ray on said:

      Numbers flow easily from women you do not consider hot enough to put up with her bitchery.
      Excellent article, ThePrivateMan – I speak from experience in the past.
      The exact words from her were:
      “I’m giving you my number because that other guy is too eager to get it, and you haven’t disturbed me” (Rationalisation, as I didn’t care for how she looked, and the other guy was a housemate)

  5. Mike on said:

    Find her flaw, then Neg her with it.

  6. Looking for the flaw is exactly what girls do to guys – finding a reason to reject.

    And guess what? Do you have any idea what you just did???

    You LJBF’ed her.

  7. Brilliant post. Finding that flaw is key. Better, finding the flaw which SHE considers a flaw, that’s golden.

    But once you find it, it isn’t necessary to do anything in particular with it save keep it in mind. Nine Furies is right: merely by keeping it in mind, you are altering your own perceptions (“She’s hot except for that mole”) which in turn alters the rhythms, inflections, and word choices you use in conversation. It works in writing, too. When I’m doing fiction, one way I make my characters believable is to imagine a few dirty little secrets in their past that helped shape who they are . . . but I never reveal those secrets to the reader. The effect is that there is more going on here than meets the eye, my characters have more depth to them, and the reader’s imagination fills in the rest making me seem like a better writer than I am.

    Ever interview with someone and the interview went really well from your side, but you just somehow know they already rejected you and just don’t want to say it? That’s what she’ll feel like. Once her subconscious realizes that you don’t like her (or something about her) for some reason, her Hamster freaks and suddenly she’s all over you to figure out why and prove that you’re wrong. And the more mysterious you play it, the higher value you will enjoy in her eyes.

    And if you can’t find that flaw up front? Invent one. Imagine that she secretly picks her nose and eats it, or hordes used condoms or something equally distasteful, and that it is her job to convince you to get over that fact enough to go out with her. More than likely you can find some real flaw easily enough, but if you have to, fake one. Men spend so much of our time willing to overlook flaws in the pure pursuit of pussy that we forget just how valuable our judgement is in the field. Time to fix that.

  8. LostSailor on said:

    A golden ray of truth.

    And it doesn’t have to be an actual flaw at all, you can just make one up if you can cement it in your mind during the encounter. But you will usually be able to find a real flaw readily enough. Doesn’t have to be a big one. Just enough to derail the instant beta script that is your heads failsafe, default position when encountering a hot woman. The hotter she is, the more your mind goes to thinking that she’s above you in value, can’t possibly be interested, etc. This leads to halting, semi-stammering game, running out of things to say, or even stops the approach cold. This was a difficult lesson for me.

    But when you stop thinking “OMG she’s hot, she’s hot, wow great tits, great ass, hot, hot, hot” and start thinking along the lines TPM suggests (yeah, she’s hot, but that nose, and that laugh…) you approach her like she’s no more special than any other woman. And she’s not, really.

    Do it enough so that it’s second nature, and it’s armor against the beta lurking in your head.

    Now go out an practice on the shot-girl down at the club…

  9. Excellent post.

    Actually ANYTHING can be her flaw- her choice of clothing, earrings, laugh, accent, hairstyle. It doesn’t matter, tease her and her hamster goes nuts, then follow with a light compliment. I like to use-
    “I’m just playing. yer pretty cute. I mean, yer no dime, but yer sportable.”

    Trust me, she’ll be grinning from war to ear.

    • Ear to ear. Stoopid autocorrect.

    • Something Smells Fishy About This "Study" on said:

      “I’m just playing. yer pretty cute. I mean, yer no dime, but yer sportable.”

      Trust me, she’ll be grinning from war to ear.”

      This MIGHT work with exceptionally hot women, but for the rest of us average gals it would be devastating.

      I once had a boyfriend who did that to me and suffice it to say he wasn’t my bf for long.

  10. Crank on said:

    It seems to, though, that the downside is that fixating on her flaw makes sex with her (assuming you get that far) less rewarding. Ahh, the world is a cruel place.

    • P Ray on said:

      By responding to that frame they validate their role as sex objects.
      For men they are attracted to, women will change to become the necessary accessories.
      For every other men they have excuses, grievances and retaliation.

  11. @PM,

    Did my comment inspire your tweet a few days ago?

    I ask because this is the second time we’ve had frighteningly similar observations simultaneously.

    [A while back I did a post for In Mala Fide regarding women saying they want a challenge and shortly thereafter you did a post addressing the same topic].

    Regardless, one of the things I enjoy most about this corner of the internet is its spirit of fraternity.

    And I look forward to reading you more regularly.

  12. Fantastic post. Now I’ve got something to keep me distracted while talking to people. The only potential downside is I overdue the flaw in my mind. I think Seinfield did this with a woman who had a large nose. And no matter what she did he always fixated on the nose.

  13. Love it. Friend of mine always went with the mindset that women take big smelly craps too….

  14. Fred said it best. Brilliant post. Finding a flaw can change the interaction in a split second.

    It’s not negative advice at all. We all have flaws. It’s healthier for a guy to see that than see perfection.

    Last [type]: Stop Caring What other people think about you

  15. Thank you kind sir, I now realise how I can get my next notch…

  16. NorthOfVag on said:

    Her flaw is that she’s a woman.

    Don’t make it complicated.

    • Philosophical Man on said:

      Her flaw is that she is excessively judgmental. She’s looking for any excuse to reject a guy.

      This flaw should scale back perfectly as the interaction advances and she hasn’t rejected you.

  17. @NorthOfVag

    True and absolutely hilarious. Hat is off to you, PM, Danny and the rest.

  18. Good post. A few additional thoughts, especially in light of some comments above:

    The flaw should be real and knowable, not imagined or hypothetical (as with the smelly dumps suggestion) – an imagined flaw will be in your mind when you don’t need it (discouraging approach, causing you to lose your edge when pursuing), but abandon you when you do actually need it (to resist compliance during shit-tests, to avoid one-itis and maintain outcome independence). It has to be something you can look at and objectively see, when you need to see it.

    The flaw needs to be something you can look past when she does everything else right (mainly that she treats you as you want to be treated), and that your mind can handle the balance. Outcome independence is good for both your prospects of success and overall mental health, but true outcome indifference makes the whole effort meaningless. Don’t erase the positive payoff of success (and one does exist, otherwise why are you out there reading all this and trying to up your game?) when trying to immunize yourself against the pain of failure.

    The flaw should put you in the mindset of her having to qualify to you, and to reinforce the abundance mentality by putting her on the same level as all the other imperfect people on this Earth.

  19. Meggrz on said:

    So your advice to women is to look for something good in every man they meet, and your advice to men is to look for something bad in every woman? Essentially, women need to be more down to earth about their prospects, and men need to aim higher. I could get behind that. It’s depressing how much abuse attractive, hard-working, faithful men have to put up with.

    Your advice is totally sound – it’s a simple way to change your mindset, hence demeanor. Of course it’s also very easy to see why many women would resent this. It makes me a little uncomfortable. I have enough trouble with women trying to point out my flaws.

    • For men, this is strictly a mental trick. I am not advocating that her verbalize her flaws to her. While some of the more advanced PUA guys might find a flaw for the purposes of flirting (negging), a man should keep a woman’s flaw(s) to himself and allow the knowledge of those flaws to help him with his overall frame and approach.

      “So your advice to women is to look for something good in every man they meet, and your advice to men is to look for something bad in every woman?”

      That’s about the size of it. It’s a serious flipping of the script. Let’s face it, dating and relationships are badly broken and unhappiness levels (in women) are still increasing. We’re now in the realm of Dating 2.0. It’s either take the Red Pill or remain frustrated and miserable. This applies to both men and women alike.

  20. just visiting on said:

    When we were married, this is what my husband and I would do if we found ourselves attracted to other people, only ramped up to kill attraction. In dating, you’d have to do it only to the point of keeping your frame without losing the sparks. When you get good enough at it, you’ll play with it to the point where you can actually focus on someones
    beauty or charisma without losing yourself in it.

  21. someguy302004 on said:

    This is genius.

    I don’t know how this fits in with my occasional mental trick where I pretend every female I see is wearing a tiara and a pink shirt that says “Princess” and expect behavior according to this. (try this, and see how warped the interaction becomes, by the way)

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  23. Black Man, Red Pill on said:

    Sheer brilliance. When I was younger I was able to do this with ease. However since I had the red pill shoved back in my mouth, I’ll have to train myself to do this all over again.

  24. Excellent, PM.

    Alternative: find someone who is attractive but not hot (eg 6 or 7) : game is natural.

    • Something Smells Fishy About This "Study" on said:

      yeah but see my comment above, NMH.

      Danny: “I’m just playing. yer pretty cute. I mean, yer no dime, but yer sportable.”
      Trust me, she’ll be grinning from war to ear.”

      ME: This MIGHT work with exceptionally hot women, but for the rest of us average gals it would be devastating.

      I once had a boyfriend who did that to me and suffice it to say he wasn’t my bf for long. Making jokes about her flaws (negs) will not work on the average female because we will take it personally and interpret it as non-attraction. My ex boyfriend used to do that to me and he is my EX.

      This type of negging MIGHT work on the proverbial, ever-allusive 9 or 10, but then how likely is it that any of the guys reading here would date a 9 or 10 to begin with?

      Regular women are too self conscious about our looks and receiving negative comments about them from men is not going to go over well, much less make us “grin from ear to ear”.

      • You have to understand Danny.

        He’s 5’4″ tall. Women don’t immediately appreciative his attractiveness until he turns on the Charisma. This is Danny Charisma and his height is a big part of it.

      • Agree with what you are saying. Even Mystery pointed out neging has to be gentler with 6’s and 7’s compared to 9’s and 10’s.

      • If he said it with a massive smile and made it clear he thought the opposite it MIGHT work, but if for one moment I thought he meant it I’d be off. I’d think at best he lacked social skills and I certainly wouldn’t hang around to be criticised.

  25. Something Smells Fishy About This "Study" on said:

    And I’ll be honest. When my bf’s negs got too heavy to bear I brought out my arsenal of penis size negs. Worked like a charm to shut his mouth the hell up.

    • Well…yes…I’ve got loads of faults, why would I want to spend time with someone who wanted to point them out to me and tell me I wasn’t good enough? I’d rather spend time with someone who was nice to me and I had a good time with.

      • Something Smells Fishy About This "Study" on said:

        Precisely. I already know I’m not Helen of Troy, so if you think I’m not good enough for you why date me in the first place? Go out and find your Helen! Sheesh.

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