The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “May, 2012”

Weekend Weirdness – Gin

It’s a Saturday night and I’m actually pleased to not be on a date. I’ve got good Pandora music on the speakers and an ugly dog at my side. As it is a Saturday, I’m having a fine gin and tonic with lime. The tonic water part is somewhat interesting (link below) and directly appropriate to me because I have malaria. You read that right. I have malaria. I picked it up while working on a wildcat oil drilling rig in the United Arab Emirates when I was a younger and more strapping lad. There ain’t no fever like a malaria fever. Ask me, I know.

In regards to gin, however, there is a much more interesting history:

…the principal cause of all the vice & debauchery committed among the inferior sort of people.

Sweet!

But after a couple of centuries, gin became the hallmark of civilized, anglo-saxon WASPs. Go figure. I won’t be rioting in the streets because the local liquor store is short of gin.

By 1743, the people of England were drinking 2.2 gallons (10 litres) of gin annually per head of population.

That’s some damned good gin-drinking, right there. My UK readers are gin-sots. Well, they were a couple of hundred years ago. Gin was the crack cocaine of the time. That’s kind of impressive considering that the spirited beverage is now an integral part of country and yacht clubs.  Ask me, I know.

But there a huge problem with gin – drunk texting (serious link below).

Malaria

Tonic Water

Gin

Gin Craze

Texts From Dog

Addressing Social Awkwardness

Human beings are social animals. Given the conditions of our hunter/gatherer forebearers, it was vital to band together for survival and reproduction. The urge to be social continues on for most of us. There are certain skills to be successfully social, primarily, don’t make other people pissed off or uncomfortable. Even brutal and domineering dictators have to smile and make idle chit-chat in certain social situations. “Why yes, Comrade Stalin, it has been a cold winter and thanks for not having me purged. Why yes, I’d like a glass of vodka, thank you for offering.”

But social skills don’t come easy for a lot of men, primarily the younger crowd who lack good seasoning that only age and experience can bring. There’s even a DSM-IV disorder for the extreme end of social awkwardness – social anxiety disorder (link below). Social awkwardness is devastating for young men seeking out girls. Making a girl uncomfortable quickly yields the “creep” title. In the hot-house atmosphere of high school or college, the creep sobriquet is social homicide committed on the unfortunate fellow. No cool parties for him. No entry in the circle of the popular and gregarious people. The involuntary isolation inflicted on a young man who is socially awkward can result in deep psychological scars and profound resentful bitterness that can linger for decades on a man’s psyche.

When we speak of Charisma and getting close to a woman, social skills are absolutely necessary. From approach through comfort, a man must know how to communicate effectively if he is find himself in an intimate situation, maybe including a romantic relationship. Yet there is not much discussion in the Manosphere of how to grow past social awkwardness and develop good, successful social skills. Many of the guys here unfortunately take social skills for granted.  Worse, the socially awkward are preyed upon by slick PUA “gurus” who pitch canned systems that only work with guys who already have good social skills. It’s small wonder that many guys fail with these systems and express great anger at being effectively ripped off.

I cannot give lessons in good social skills because I was never particularly socially awkward. I can, however, point to the best free resource I know on the Internet for a man to learn how to address his social awkwardness:

Succeed Socially

I was introduced to this website years ago. It’s written by one guy who was quite socially awkward and decided to address it with masculine logic and reason. The essays and exercises are sound and can certainly work. Some of the lessons are quite basic. A younger man needs basic lessons, after all. I don’t even know who created the website. It doesn’t matter because the content is so good.

Social skills and confidence can come hand in hand, or, good social skills are built on top of an already healthy confidence sub-routine (link below). Regardless, I cannot stress enough the importance of good social skills, whether for practicing Charisma, or just being a well-rounded man.

Social Anxiety Disorder

The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

Female Attention Deficit Disorder (FADD)

This is not the disorder where a woman’s attention span is way too short and her brain is too easily distracted. That’s an issue that covers both genders. Female Attention Deficit Disorder (FADD) is the deficit of the general attention that women crave and a pathological reaction to the lack of that attention. A woman with FADD will do almost anything to get that attention, especially from men. In street talk, we’re talking about an attention whore.

FADD is rather endemic, unfortunately. It spans all ages. We’ve all seen its symptoms:

  • Obnoxious drunkenness
  • Young women kissing other young women when in public
  • Wildly immodest clothes
  • Inappropriately youthful fashion
  • Constant texting, calling, IMing, etc.
  • Inability to spend any time alone
  • Nightclub dancing that involves lots of grinding
  • Tiny dog in her purse
  • Random flaking on dates or planned social get-togethers
  • Children who are “my best friend(s)”
  • Cockteasing
  • Non-stop social activities
  • A desire to be a porn star or an actual sex video on the ‘Net
  • Over-the-top opinionated

For a short term fling, a girl with FADD is an easy mark and she is relatively easy to attract. Give her attention in spurts (heh) and use the Push-Pull element of Charisma. FADD women are good candidates to be included in a soft harem scenario. They are poor candidates for a long-term relationship because such women are at the  zenith of high maintenance.

Having FADD is certainly a sign of insecurity but it’s also a strong manifestation of the Princess Entitlement Complex where a woman expects all sorts of attention merely because she possesses ladyparts. Immaturity is also part of the mix. FADD girls love the company of men because most men will put up with their constant demands for attention. Other FADD ladies will cause conflict because of the competition for attention.

It’s actually challenging to find a girl without FADD. It’s been said that attention is the emotional currency of women. A woman who isn’t a slave to her attention-getting behavior is rare.

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Weekend Weirdness – Alphabet One Liners – 2

Analog – Retro digital

Bra – It shall be removed!

Corpulent – Fancy word for fat

Digital – What analog wants to be

Egregious – Chicks dig my big… vocabulary

Fenway – It’s only fucking baseball

Gorgeous – Yes, yes I am

Hermione – Harry Potter wants her and wants her bad

Insufferable – Yes, yes I am

Jerk Off – “That’s not a muscle between your legs, don’t exercise it.” (Jr. High gym coach)

Klinger – I remember the last episode of MASH, fuck, I’m old

Laurentians – There are mountains in Quebec?

Mononucleosis – I kissed her and then I fell asleep

Nomenclature – It’s all in the glossary

Opinionated – If a woman says this in her online dating profile, block her

Pussy – Of course I had to say that

Quest – Anyone got a light?

Restful – That’s a technological term and I have no idea what it means

Sin – Hey ladies, pride is a sin so get over yourselves

Turgid – Look it up

Ululate – Men, don’t do this at Arab weddings

Voluptuous – Fat is not this… fat is… fucking ugly

Welch – Don’t do this on a bet

Xerxes – Kings of Persia cannot spell

You – No, it’s about me

Zounds! – ‘Nuff said

Online Dating And When To Log In

I am ramping up a new online dating campaign. I will be using my existing system (links below) with Plenty of Fish (PoF), not OKCupid. Plenty of Fish offers the most members and I have paid for the privilege of seeing if my messages are read. As well, I don’t want to go through the effort of answering all those questions on OKCupid. I’ve re-written my profile to make it more breezy and relaxed. Frankly, my previous profile was bordering on too serious and even a bit demanding.

While looking at profiles, I see some of the same women who have been on for years and who have rejected my messages in the past. Thankfully, I keep notes on the many messages I’ve sent out over the past couple of years. I tend to use online dating in cycles so my efforts have waxed and waned over time. As was expected, there were many new women on Plenty of Fish. That dating website also displays those matches (as determined by PoF) who are are currently online.

The past three times I have logged in, I was very surprised to find myself matched to a large percentage of attractive, reasonably slender women who were all online at the time. This has never happened before. Sure, my PoF matches have lots of slender women, but I never found the in-shape dames logged in at the same time and in such numbers. What was the condition that changed?

The past three times I have logged in have been between 6:30AM and 7:00AM.

Such early-risers are likely to have an exercise routine and are taking a few minutes to check their PoF correspondence before getting ready for work. This explains why so many of my matches online had such decent figures. Because these women are more attractive, they likely get lots of correspondence and so very quickly run through their incoming messages. This means that these women are surfing photos and message titles only. There’s barely enough time to look at one or two actual profiles and maybe, just maybe, dash off a quick response.

Take away lessons for the guys:

  • Note the time when the woman returns a message. If it’s early, she likely has a good exercise routine and a full-time job.
  • Log in early and send messages early. You can write the messages in Notepad the previous evening and then copy them appropriately. If you do it early in the AM, she will assume that your schedule is much like hers – exercise and a full time job.
  • Have a great head-shot photo as your primary photo. The primary photo is displayed as a thumbnail next to your message title so your ugly mug must be featured prominently.
  • Make sure your message title is intriguing even for a woman to open the actual message. A simple “hello” will not suffice unless you’re very good-looking and the photo reflects that.  Be reasonably creative.

Other advice that bears repeating:

  • Never log in on Friday evenings, Saturdays (the whole day), or Sunday mornings.
  • Limit your evening log-in times to irregular weekdays. Being predictably online is being predictable and therefore boring to women.

You’re a busy man and limited log-in times reflect that.

Online Dating – A Short Primer

The Online Dating System Revisited

Dating 2.0 – Selection, Active And Passive

First, credit and inspiration for this post goes to Cedo Nulli, a blogger who lives in Thailand (link below). I found his blog from a link in a comment on another of my own posts (thanks Kev). Cedo presented the dating concept of a woman’s active selection for quality versus passive selection by elimination. He also presents an excellent analogy for these two selection processes. From his blog post [edited]:

The problem, at its core, is very simple. It boils down to active selection for quality, vs. passive selection by elimination.  The first being good, the second being complete shit.

Say I asked you to go out and buy me the best phone you can find for $500. How do you choose the phone?  Do you research the features, try them all out, compare, know your own preferences for operating systems and screen sizes?  That would make sense.

However, here is the equivalent how girls pick their guys, for the most part:

They go to the store and proceed to smash every phone onto the floor. Whichever phone survives all the smashings, that’s the one she buys.

Which phone is that? Is it the latest high-end, big screen Samsung or is it the shittiest button phone?  Duh. The crap will survive, because there is nothing to it.  No awesome screen to break. No complex motherboard to get broken. The crap will survive the smashing.

That’s dating [2.0].  Whoever continues to make it through the flaking, the childish games, the bullshit, that’s the guy she ends up with.  Quality guys with options won’t put up with that.

In effect, the shortage of good men is because too many women have been smashing them to the ground, leaving behind weak men who acquiesce to this (FriendZone!) or dark triad cads who then turn around and smash the woman through ugly manipulation or some form of abuse.

While this other quote originated from the beginning of Cedo Nulli’s blog post, it better serves as a punchline to describe the consequences of passive selection and endless testing:

I’m single, and continue to be so, because girls fuck up. Every flaking out, every dumb excuse, every little lie, every game, every charade, reduces her credibility and value in my mind.  By the time I ‘get her’ it’s just a matter of victory over all the crap. All genuine emotion has long been killed by her bullshit.

This is a large part of Dating 2.0. Instead of a woman actively looking for quality, she’s passively looking through elimination. She finds any almost any reason to reject a man through games, testing, and manipulation. Online dating exacerbates the situation because there’s always another guy’s profile to check out or another message/IM from a guy. Plus, bad dating advice combined with the Greek chorus of well-intended friends encourage passive selection with the “Prince Charming is right around the corner” advice.

Is it any wonder why Cedo Nulli feels so little for these types of women? This kind of passive elimination creates doormats and cads, it does not encourage men of good character. Rather, this repels them.

This is the reason I created this dating exercise for women: Every time a woman sees or interacts with a man, she must find at least one good thing about him. That’s active selection. That dating exercise (link below) can go a long way to shift a woman’s mindset away from passive selection and also see the general goodness that the vast majority of men possess.

To conclude, back to Cedo Nulli with some minor edits on my part:

I can and will not respect a girl who qualifies me as dating potential by smashing my shit on the ground. All she’ll get is the rise of the player who’ll take the challenge and enjoy his fuck trophy. I don’t feel guilty. If you’re not actively choosing me for my qualities but rather for my ability to withstand games and bullshit, that’s all you deserve – games and bullshit.

“Cedo Nulli” roughly means “I yield to none.”

Word.

Cedo Nulli – Why Girls Fail

A Dating Exercise For Women

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