Reader Mailbag – Same Woman On Different Online Dating Websites
A reader presents some interesting scenarios regarding women who use more than one online dating website. His comments are in quotes. My response follows each quote.
Curious if you have encountered these scenarios in your online dating experience, and regardless of whether you have or not, what your thoughts are on how a guy should handle them.
1. The not-so-interesting scenario – the same girl uses (or at least, have profiles that are visible on) multiple online dating sites at the same time. For example, the girl may have a profile on OkCupid and one on Match.com. It’s most likely that she uses one dating site and the profile there as the primary, and the profiles on the other sites are secondary or are left idle, and often times the profile info are copied-and-pasted across each other when possible.
Seems that for this scenario, it’s just a matter of cross-checking the profiles for inconsistencies, and basically using the different profiles of the same girl to build a more complete picture of her, and then communicating with the girl at the site that shes uses as the primary site. Do you agree?
I certainly agree. I advise that men use at least two different online dating websites, one free and one paid. It stands to reason that women would do that same thing. This has been my experience regarding seeing the same woman on different online dating websites. I read both (or more) of her profiles to get a better sense of who she is. OKCupid asks that its members answer a whole bunch questions. PoF asks little of its members. Match, well, I am sour on Match (link below).
2. The more interesting scenario – guy finds a girl on dating site A and get at least a conversation going with her (i.e., she didn’t ignore or reject your initial approach), and perhaps progress to meeting her in person, but things didn’t work out for whatever reason. Guy and girl does not stay in touch within or without site A. Some time later the guy is on dating site B and he somehow encounters the same girl.
No matter, the connection was never secured – regardless of the online dating website – so it matters little if the girl shows up on another dating website. If possible, block and move on. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. We win in the long run.
3. Variant of this scenario – things didn’t work out with the girl on site A. Her profile on site A goes idle (as in she doesn’t log in to site A at all, doesn’t check messages at site A, etc.) and/or hidden for some time. Guy and girl does not stay in touch within or without site A. Some time later, she is active on site A again and reappears in the guy’s searches on site A.
For these scenarios, should the guy just completely ignore the girl when the girl “reappears” on the guy’s radar? What if the girl initiates communication with the guy after her “reappearance”?
Thanks.
What is the consistent theme regardless of the venue, online or in real life? No connection. It matters little the digital vehicle of communications. What matters is the connection. Rejected on one online dating website by a particular woman? You’re rejected on any other online dating website where you find the same woman. If not, that means she’s completely confused about the men she’s getting attention from and isn’t organized enough to do online dating properly.
The Private Man 
Until both people agree to each other that they’re in a relationship, tell others that they are, and act like it in public…
they’re not.
Does hugging your aunt mean you’re in a relationship with them?
Does giving a gift to a female niece mean you’re in a relationship with them?
It’s rather convenient for women to lay a claim to men they want to cockblock, or for them to say there was nothing between them when they want to move on.
In such a situation, it is not cheating if a man keeps his options open.
After all … reverse the genders and women will say such a man is a cheater … but women are just “defensively dating”.
… have you any advice on “online game” … I like reading your posts.
You can get started with this:
https://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2011/02/15/online-dating-a-short-primer/
I wouldn’t think you would want to just completely shut down all communication with someone just because you lost contact for a while. There may be reasons you are unaware of.
For instance a loss of a loved one or a sudden emergency that took a little longer to take care of. It is always better to give someone the benefit of the doubt.