The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Three Birds, One Timer

I’ve been corresponding with a reader who is doing some good work on improving his dating skills. He was castigating himself for talking too much and revealing too much when on the phone with his current or potential dates. To help him limit his phone time, he now sets a timer (his workout timer) to remind him to not get carried away with the phone gabbing. That’s a great idea.

As I read that, I got to thinking about the timer that most of us already have – the stove timer. At the beginning of the call, set the kitchen timer for ten minutes or so. If the guy is smart, the one timer can kill three birds.
1. When the timer goes off, the guy knows when to wrap up the call. How he does that is up to him but setting up the date is the goal of the call. If no date, an opportunity has been sadly wasted.

2. If the timer is loud enough and the fellow stays in the kitchen during the call, the women will hear the buzz (or ding) when the ten minutes is up. This is beneficial because it sends the message that the guy knows how to cook and all men should be handy in the kitchen. If he’s clever, he’ll confirm it. “Oh, the [insert the name of the dish here] is ready, let’s set a date and time for our date.” Once done, he can exit the call gracefully.

3. If the fellow is even more clever, he’ll drop the line that he’s expecting company.

“I have people coming over for dinner, I have to get this out of the oven before they arrive.”

This is the man providing his own social proof. While I understand that this is most likely a white lie, but perhaps the fellow in question does have people over sometimes, just not exactly at the moment of that phone call.

While it might seem a bit rude to call a woman knowing he doesn’t have much time, consider also that a man who is busy is also a man with an active life, an attractive trait in a man. It sends the subtle message that the woman would be joining his life and not vice versa.


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21 thoughts on “Three Birds, One Timer

  1. And it also reminds him that time’s a-wasting, and there are more things to do in the day than allow a conversation to stop all activities.
    It’s even better if _she_ calls him first, rather than the other way around.
    Since the idea is that a man “desperate” enough to call a girl is someone who can be labelled creepy or stalkerish, and relational aggression ruins budding relationships.

  2. HamsterTamer on said:

    White lie? Piffle… ’tis nothing but an acceptable social nicety. Believe The Tamer, if the wimminz in question is a 6 or above, she’ll be laying, at minimum, 2 REAL, SUBSTANTIAL LIES on your cranium before you ever plant your jade stem in her ling-ling.

    If you actually catch her doing a “drive by” on your crib to “verify” your story, then that tears it–NEXTed, finis–drop her like a hard dog turd on a cold sidewalk, ’cause theyz even more clingy psychotic behavior a-comin’ iff’n ya don’t! AMHIK. ;’)

    Overall this post is good advice, i.e. even though I’ve “landed” a few spinning plates with my phone humor and celeb impressions, I’ve “broken” many more by letting the convo WANDER, not STEERING it, and losing FRAME. Oh well, there’s always next time… umm, I meant timER, lol… *DING* 😀

  3. I tell people to avoid the phone step all together. If the woman won’t go out with him without a phone call, she’s going to be more work down the road.

  4. the same on said:

    Things used to be easier. To “date” somebody in today’s world is a nightmare that will drain all your energy. So difficult, no phone calls, dont look this dont look that, dont say this, etc…
    Pure punishment, women with inflated values need to be dropped as soon as possible, they will learn.

  5. You know what’s cute, Private Man? There’s similar advice in the book The Rules. Never stretch a phone call longer than ten minutes, or something like that.

    Well, what’s sauce for the goose is apparently sauce for the gander! 😉

    • There’s a fair bit of overlap between “The Rules” for women and Charisma for men. Online dating and other technology has made The Rules a quaint anachronism for women. Online Dating and other technology has brought forth a huge blessing for men.


      • DC Phil on said:

        For reference:

        1. Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other”
        2. Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)
        3. Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
        4. Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
        5. Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
        6. Always End Phone Calls First
        7. Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
        8. Fill Up Your Time before the Date
        9. How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
        10. How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
        11. Always End the Date First
        12. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day
        13. Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
        14. No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
        15. Don’t Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
        16. Don’t Tell Him What to Do
        17. Let Him Take the Lead
        18. Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
        19. Don’t Open Up Too Fast
        20. Be Honest but Mysterious
        21. Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads
        22. Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
        23. Don’t Date a Married Man
        24. Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children
        25. Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
        26. Even if You’re Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
        27. Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It’s Nuts
        28. Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
        29. Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
        30. Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
        31. Don’t Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist
        32. Don’t Break The Rules
        33. Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
        34. Love Only Those Who Love You
        35. Be Easy to Live With

        Now, can anyone chime in with the overlap between Charisma and The Rules? How can we co-opt these for our own use?

      • @DC Phil:
        It’s basically a woman’s version of Game. Jag Carrao (another one of those female dating “gurus”) is running something similar.
        What they don’t tell you about “The Rules” … is that Ellen Fein(one of the authors)’s marriage ended while the book was in progress.
        A further requirement: Any woman living by “The Rules” had better make sure she gets an honest opinion of passing “the boner test”. If she’s not hot, she can forget about playing by “The Rules”.

      • DC Phil on said:

        I know they’re a woman’s version of Game (Charisma). My question was how to use the female version of the Rules as a template for male Game. E.g. . . .

        1. Always end phone calls first
        2. Next! and other rules for dealing with rejection.

        Those are two that overlap nicely.

        In short, how to co-opt the Rules to use in Game (Charisma) and use women’s weapons against them.

      • @DC Phil

        I think they all already overlap except #4, #12, #15 and #35.

    • Men with a set of Rules for themselves, meeting a Rules girl, will be an “even match”.
      In other words, she’s got to show interest first, or the situation continues in indecision.
      It’s simply a dynamic of relationships that has long been ignored.

  6. Joey Giraud on said:

    That first rule; “Be a creature unlike any other,” is one hell of a non-sequitor. The kind of woman ( person? ) who seeks, reads and then follows a list of rules won’t have any of what it takes to transform themselves into a special person, namely, a sense of self.

    Kind of like trying to buy a unique personality at the mall.

    “Don’t discuss the rules with your therapist” – Cults have this same rule.

  7. the same on said:

    Dont do this, dont do that, dont say this….wow, it seems that “dating” is some sort of a prison, a gulag, a soviet union look alike system.
    Supply and Demand, If the women think they are in demand, then, we know a monoply abuse the market.
    Even women above 30 and with kids think they are all that, they are more concerned about their physical look after delivery than on their personality and quality as a person. They believe that just for being a woman(an of course a goddess and of course in demand) they can get a highly educated and successful man based just on their look. Their nasty flaws that include arrogance, bad temper, selfishness….should not matter. I believe that we as men have the social responsability to correct this mistake by dropping the witch as soon as we see sing of the above.

  8. the same on said:

    We as men should protect and respect ourself at all times. And never forget that there are more fishes in the sea, it is better to be alone for awhile than living miserable with a nagging witch. I simply dont like the arrogant attitude of this modern women, disrespectful to men and expect to be treated like ladies. We should dump them at the nearest junk yard, this is the only way. They will learn.

    • I can vouch for this from the perspective of harsh personal experience. Never, ever, ever be afraid to walk if she treats you with the slightest hint of disrespect or contempt. Don’t even think twice about it. It should be an automatic reaction on your part.

      I’m not saying dump a girl when she gets a little fussy sometimes, they all do that. No what I mean is when you sense that she has lost respect for you, it’s done. Either she has a bad personality or you f’ed up what you were doing and made too many mistakes.

      Either way, you can just spare yourself the misery of “working” on the relationship for months and years, ’cause it’s effectively toast from your perspective. The more you “work on it” in the conventional understanding of the term, the better it is for her and the more the power shifts to her. Eventually you are miserable for putting in all this effort for little result and she is miserable with you because you’ve turned into a prostrating schlub.

      So, the first time she makes a joke in front of others at your expense, turns her nose up at plans you’ve made for the two of you or begins to nag. DTB her or ice her out and turn her into FWB, nothing more. Don’t even think twice.

      I spent 14 years trying to make something positive out of being married to a very negative woman. Now that I am divorced, which of course was not pleasant, I am finding that the worm has turned. For you younger guys out there that worry that you need to “lock one down” or that you need to unreasonably put up with being treated like garbage for fear of never finding another woman, have no such fear.

      As you get older, if you keep yourself in shape and have even a modest amount of success pursuing some type of occupation you will find that there is an ample supply of women looking for a guy just like you. Knowing that should give you the confidence to pursue women or remove women from your life that do not accentuate your happiness. Which, as a side effect, will increase your chances of actually sorting through the chaff and finding a decent woman worth hanging onto.

      • the same on said:

        I totally agree, unfortunately this is a lesson that fathers are not teaching to their boys kids or teenagers. The first reaction of the woman is to disrespect the man to test him, respected or not?. If the man allows the woman to disrespect him she will eventually leave him for another man and so on so forth. If instead the man drop the witch woman, he is a winner because He got rid of a witch and it feels good to act like a man of respect. I learnt after one relationship, it took me time but I learnt. I got rid of the witch but I was a good learning process, now I look at it as a war at the psycological level, first sign of BS should be taken care of, dont let it pass, otherwise you’d better become a doormat. You should procced by dumping the witch if the trespassing if too much to handle or getting very angry at her like a real man talk strong only if she is worthy.

  9. Rules for women translated to man-speak:

    1. You bring the vagina, he’ll make all the plans and bring the credit cards.
    2. When in doubt use the vagina as a bargaining chip to get what you want but do not let him touch the vagina before date three or you will have diluted its power.
    3. Do not date any man long term that does not obey the dictates of thy vagina, these men are “jerks” and will use the vagina without paying the proper danegeld.
    4. Be bitchy, entitled and inflexible. The kind of weak guys you can bully around like that are great “husband material.” Every modern career gal should have her very own kitchen bitch. You’ve worked hard on your masters in organizational management honey, you deserve to have someone pamper you for a change.
    5. Never forget, it’s all about you and what you want.

    If a woman buys that “Rules” book and follows it to a tee she should resign herself to marrying a sexless beta schlub that she will cuckold and divorce within seven years (which might be okay for her financially) or if she can’t find such a mangina (the manosphere is working hard to thwart her) she should invest in this companion book:

    Look, there is even an action figure to go with it:

    • The same on said:

      Your comment is biblical, that is exactly how they act, solution: dump the bitch right away.
      As soon as you see her manipulating and playing psychological warfare, drop her.

      As easy as that.

  10. My interjection would be it’s somewhat akin to the “leave ’em laughing” or “wanting more” in showbiz’, “stealing a round” in boxing. People place a lot of emphasis in the interactive process on the LAST EFFECT. It’s easiest to see with comedians. They try to build to one last gut-buster, and then end. “Leave ’em laughing-hard”. Even if it means you don’t do all your material. It’s better the last thing they remember to be a side-splitter than a “meh”. That way they can thank the audience over a crescendo of laughs. Same thing with the ending of a conversation. It’s akin to Truman’s “no man ever LISTENED his way out of a job.” Tension, unfortunately, is a necessary element in attraction. However, our impulse is to ameliorate it because it doesn’t feel so good. That’s why you can tell people on dates-they talk, near incessantly.

    I would suggest that “clipping the end of the cigar” of the conversation as noted above be thought of as the serialized movies that used to be shown in the day, or the Friday plots of soap operas. You want to leave a question mark in the air so the person wants to see what’s next.This is a good reminder. Artist’s know how to use the silence, and there’s an art to this no doubt.

    RULE OF THUMBS: In business, if it can’t be said in 15 minutes it can’t be said (i e has not been thought out sufficiently to summarize). In personal matters, make it 10.

    “Brevity is the soul of wit”. “Hamlet” by William “Lucky Will” Shakespeare

  11. the same on said:

    I dont date, if I go out with a woman it should be because we like each other already.
    Recently I went out with an asian woman that I like in the flesh, her personality sucks but I made an exception to go out with her because, as I said, I like her. She drove a good number of hours to come to my house, I own a house and I have a good job in a good area. She was arrogant, cold and nasty and still pretended me to open my wallet to her. I dumped her as soon as I could, she drove back empty handed, probably very upset. I find very disrespectful this kind of entitlement. Now I feel very good with myself, I did the right thing in dropping the arrogant witch, she drove back to her cave cursing, but I did not deprive her from a good opportunity to hate my guts. She brought her on herself.
    Respect at all times, this is the motto.

    • Hamster Tamer on said:

      @the same… DUDE, I’d say after driving HOURS to see you, a “SNL” was definitely on the table. If you KNOW you can’t stand a woman, but she’s physically hot and (for a brief window) “DTF”, then I say “oil the stormy waters” and steer that Juicy-V into your MANifest D… a pump-and-dump is always way better than just a (prideful) dump. ;’)

      Asian, eh? Still have her #? I’m sure she’ll come to Miami/So-Fla eventually.

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