The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Dating Advice From Two Bloggers (One Male, One Female)

The other day, I received some questions about dating from one of my readers. I answered those questions and then suggested to Moxie that we both answer those questions as part of a dual blog, simultaneous post. She agreed.

My responses are in italics. Hers are in bold. As I gave her my answers first, she also incorporated those answers into her own answers.

Okay so if you go on a date with a woman and it seems to go pretty good, what are good techniques for the following:

1 – Ending the date.  I know to end it on a high note before any tedium sets in, but what’s a good way to make the exit.   Knowing that on the date in question a first date bang ain’t happening but in all other respects things went well.

PM – As the man, you should certainly be the one who ends the date. You can end it by checking your watch or cellphone and say something like “I’ve got to run, it’s been great meeting you.” Don’t tell her why you have to run, maintain a bit of mystery.

MOXIE – If you’re interested in her enjoy the evening. Don’t sit there and think you have to end things by a certain time. Let the date run its natural course.  I wouldn’t recommend a marathon date, but if the vibe is there and you two are enjoying each other, don’t end the date because you think you’ll look too eager if you don’t. When you feel things are winding down, that’s when you step in and say that you have to get going home. (Even if you’re not going home, say you are even if you’re meeting friends somewhere.)  Don’t say “it’s been great meeting you.” It’s a date, not an interview. It sounds clinical and kind of negative. You walk her to her cab or the subway or to her building, ya smooch her good night and tell her you want to see her again.

2 – What verbal enders are good like – “Call you in a few days”  bleh.

PM – “You can expect an email from me.” “Look for my texts”, etc. Don’t say exactly when.

MOXIE – Jesus. Why doesn’t he just send her a tape recording that says, “Your Mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go out with me again.” Then have it explode 5 seconds after listening for effect. At the end of the date you say you want to see her again and that you’ll contact her to make plans for X day. You don’t have to say when to contact her. I don’t think it’s bad to play it cool. Just don’t make douchey statements like, “Look for my texts.” It just makes you sound so odd and controlling. Also? Please realize that more and more women are attuned to Game lingo.

3 – What’s the “rule” on follow-up contact – I’ve heard everything from wait two days, a week, etc. before you follow-up and setup another get together.

PM – Between 24 and 72 hours after the date has ended. Any more than three days (72 hours) and that will throw off your online dating website review schedule (see my answer below).

MOXIE – I agree with PM here. 24-72 hours is an appropriate amount of time.

4 – If you met her online, is it poor form to be seen back on the dating site the next day, yet you are not contacting her? Anyway, seems kind of obvious that you are just waiting the obligatory two days or whatever since she has a timestamp of when you were online.   I’m thinking it best to just stay off of course, but if you are also working other fish….on the other hand, being seen back on the dating site, but not contacting her might make hamsters turn the wheel, or it might make you look desperate.  I dunno.

PM – Tricky business this. If you would like to see her again, don’t log in until after you have sent her the follow up communication. Then wait for a period of a few hours as if you’re waiting for her response (which you are). If you’re working other fish, you should be communicating via email and not through the dating website’s internal messaging system. 

MOXIE – If she’s going to monitor your dating profile, that’s her choice. Frankly, I think it’s a good idea to let her see you online. Lest she get a little too comfortable. Don’t go out of your way to make sure she sees that. But don’t hide because you’re afraid she will. I think PM is encouraging you to put way too much thought in to what’s going on in her head. You’re making what is supposed to be fun and possibly lead to the sexy time into a chess game. There is such a thing as over-strategizing.

5.  Finally, if you met her online, went back and forth a bit, did the phone call, did the date, should follow-up to set next meet up always be phone call?  I’m thinking yes.

PM – A phone call is best but you can text her in advance with “I’m going to call you soon” to test her response. A “looking forward to it!” or something similar is a good sign. No response means she’s not that interested in you and the phone call may be a useless exercise.

MOXIE – You could do either. I’d just send a text. I don’t think a phone call is required. Plus, once you set that precedent she’ll hold you to it.

Our advice is somewhat different and there is obviously some subjectivity involved, “Douchey statements”? Douchey to her, perhaps. Question 4 has the biggest differences. It’s important to know that much of my male readership are guys struggling to break free of beta behavior so they require more analysis of their own dating behavior before any degree of natural confidence can happen.

Some of my readers will likely point out that “Moxie doesn’t date girls and clearly doesn’t understand how women act in the context of dating” and that’s a valid criticism but to only a very small degree. Moxie is quite aware of male-female dating dynamics and she doesn’t feed a woman’s rationalization hamster as evidenced by the anger she receives in her blog post’s comments.

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29 thoughts on “Dating Advice From Two Bloggers (One Male, One Female)

  1. I think you are correct in saying that she doesn’t understand that some of us are trying to break bad beta habits because girls don’t have to worry about such things. My thought is if you’re going to make a mistake, err on the side of charisma, even if a little stilted in presentation, as opposed to displaying well practiced ingrained beta behavior.

    For a man it is a bit of a chess match and a minefield one false step… The reason the girls don’t get that is because all they have to do is show up for the match, it’s pretty difficult for them to make a wrong play aside from being an outright bitch or gross to the point where she starts to fail the boner test.

  2. The approaches between PM and Moxie are different. I think the reason is is that Moxie sees attraction as either there or its not, or that she imagines dating an alpha that gives her the tingle. OTOH, the PM sees attracation that can be built and increased based on what a man says or not says to a woman.

    My own empirical experience (mostly from blowing dates because I drank too much and started revealing to a woman how I really feel) suggests that PM is correct. The strategizing is, unfortunately, necessary. Women cannot possibly understand this. Some can grapple with the idea of what turns them on in an intellectually honest way (perhaps Moxie), but they cannot accept that strategy and delivery is everything.

  3. the same on said:

    I would say don’t date anybody. Dating doesn’t work, it is not a good way to know anybody. dating is a waste of time. Go out with somebody that you dont know and the only purpose of the date is to find “red flags” to cancel any future meetings, so you are wasting time, use your time in prospering, going to the gym, etc…

  4. the same on said:

    The american dating system is broken beyond repair, FUBAR.

  5. the same on said:

    The robotic way to get into a “relationship” is called “dating”. Two uneasy persons trying to show their best side in a matter of minutes, if you are not good at acting you are doomed, go back and polish your “dating skills”, now try again. Advice for men, I would say don’t do it, save your time and money and work out, buy a house and prosper, along the way somebody worthy will come, somebody that is not acting and will accept you with values and defects. Dating is informal, not a real compromise, respect yourself, refrain from dating.

    • teh_skeeze on said:

      I agree with what you say, the best relationships I’ve ever had came about “organically”. However, if you have no game you will blow it when Ms. Right makes an appearance. So why not learn what works and doesn’t through the dating game?

      If you are acting, you’re doing it wrong.

      • the same on said:

        That is right, The same happened to me, the best relationship that I had happened the same way, she was in the mood of having a relation, she did not play games and she treated me good, so the bond grew, we are still together. But when she plays games, have bad temper, selfish, materialistic, who can be compatible with that? I would walk away as soon as possible.
        Most of American women are FUBAR, narcissistic, selfish, arrogant just to mention a few virtues , and they believe that is ok to be this way, no, we can do better, dump her soon if you see signs of the above, she will learn and if she does not that is her problem. To be in a relationship with this modern American women is to be in for a long fight, women afraid of being women, because to show feeling is a sign of weakness in this modern society. This is how bad it got. The masculinization of women in the west, poor creatures, If you want Popeye the sailor as you girlfriend, be my guest.

      • the same on said:

        I forgot to write about the last part of your comment. Dating is indeed acting, simulation, try to show your best in a short period of time, to impress, to leave a lasting impression, not natural whatsoever, Oscar winning lonely people, maybe attention whores or wannabe players trying to score another one(lowering the worth of men in general). Facebook accounts with hundreds of “friends” a long list of beneficiaries in their I phones held by a person that is more alone than a penguin in a garage. I prefer face to face contact and no acting in between.

    • Killer advice, brah. Buy a house and earn money until girls want you. Never heard that one before. You can’t win if you don’t play the game, unless you’re talking about going strictly for one-night stands.

      http://www.rooshv.com/the-no-dating-challenge-for-intermediate-players

      • the same on said:

        Good comment, but, I am just saying that there are better ways than dating. And instead of wasting time on something that does not work focus on making money and going to the gym. You don’t have to say you have a house. Wasting time chasing girls is not the right thing to do. That is exactly the reason they think they are all that.

  6. the same on said:

    As far as me I don’t chase women, If I go out with one and I smell game playing I walk, somebody better will come. The answer is not being a “player” is having a good selfe-steem and respect ourself as men. Don’t take crap or disrespectful stuff from any woman.

    • I think this is the right attitude. Don’t accept game playing, crap or disrespect from women. But equally realise that any woman who is worth having won’t accept it from you either so be prepared to lose the good ones if you do. If you have one that will accept it then she’s probably got no self esteem or self respect.

      • the same on said:

        Agree, of course, If I find a good one that I like I don’t any reason for game playing. She will play games if she does not like you enough or if she is a “bitch”, and you don’t want either in your life, I don’t care how hot she looks. To test the waters for some time is ok, but after that cutting the crap is important, otherwise we fall in a disrespectful “relationship” and that is not good. The thing to do is cut her loose as soon as you see game playing for too long, disrespectful behavior zero tolerance policy.

  7. the same on said:

    Too many wannabe players in the market chasing women, lower the worth of men. It is just supply and demand. Women understand or think that they are in demand(regardless of how they behave), thus, they play games, act disrespectfully and get to choose among men when they actually don’t deserve any attention from men with high self-esteem and value. Dump her as soon as you see crap going down, she will learn, this is the only way. When you do this, you project confidence and that aura will be felt by others and you will attract people that vibrate in you frequency. Men don’t settle for BS, there are more women than men in the world, so the law of supply and demand are in our favor, women don’t want you to think about this.

    • To be honest I’ve no idea what american women are like – over here in Britain we don’t tend to get into things the same way you do and we do tend to think you’re all a bit extreme – but I would say if you respect yourself you won’t take crap, and if you respect other people you won’t give it either. All this talk about alpha men and beta men and red pills and blue pills and auras and frequency and vibes – just sounds mental to us. That’s really TVs downfall on Planktons website – we just thought he was an insane psycho. We’re much more moderate in everything really.

      • the same on said:

        Hi fi:

        I agree, I did not grew up in the states, for me it was difficult to understand this new dynamics. But here women are different than women in other places(of course), they criticize “nice guys” and find “alfa” attractive, by alfa I think they mean a “bad boy”, you find this even in women in their 30’s, a childish idea of a relationship, maybe initiated by some Oprah show and they followed it. For me it always was about respect, you have your morals and standards, respect them and let people know about it, if a women try to cross the line, she will be dropped. No doubt.

      • It must be so exhausting and hard work living over there, what happened to just meeting someone and if you like them see them again, and if you don’t, or stop liking them, stop seeing them?

      • the same on said:

        Hi Fi:

        Thanks.

    • the same on said:

      Hi fi:

      Meeting people here is not an easy thing to do, people here call this process, “dating”. If they don’t like what they see, then bye bye, just one meeting.
      It has to be almost love at first eye contact. Try to do get close to somebody at work is dangerous, you can be accused of harassment. And women here are mean as hell. Would you expect anything different from a society that places materialist things over character.? I am not taking away any importance to material things, but here that is the number one aspect to consider.
      facebook right now is the place people use to meet other people, lame isn’t it?, but true. But when they meet in person, puafff, they can not stand each other.

      • Hi – I believe you. 2 cultures which are so very different despite sharing the same language and cultural references. Did you grow up in Britain? You sound so ………measured.

      • the same on said:

        Hi Fi:

        I grew up in the caribbean islands.

      • Well you sound really nice – I have to say (pompously) I thought everyone on here was a looper but obviously I was wrong. Although the rest still are 😀

  8. the same on said:

    The first idea of a women here is to disrespect the man to “test him”. I guess a way to test the genetic material of the male, if let it go is a “beta” and get dropped if if does not allow it, then he is an “alfa” and she gets dropped, then she comes back for more, sick? I think so. When they turn 30 and after being up and down the block many times she will try to be a “women”, but who wants a FUBAR women with attitude and bad temper and a lot of personality disorders?
    Here there only 2 choices, either you are beta or alfa, nothing in between, the idea of a men with self respect does not exits for this women.

  9. MOXIE – Jesus. Why doesn’t he just send her a tape recording that says, “Your Mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go out with me again.” Then have it explode 5 seconds after listening for effect.

    Me – Honestly, that sounds totally rad. I want to try it now.

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