The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “January 19, 2012”

Dating Advice From Two Bloggers (One Male, One Female)

The other day, I received some questions about dating from one of my readers. I answered those questions and then suggested to Moxie that we both answer those questions as part of a dual blog, simultaneous post. She agreed.

My responses are in italics. Hers are in bold. As I gave her my answers first, she also incorporated those answers into her own answers.

Okay so if you go on a date with a woman and it seems to go pretty good, what are good techniques for the following:

1 – Ending the date.  I know to end it on a high note before any tedium sets in, but what’s a good way to make the exit.   Knowing that on the date in question a first date bang ain’t happening but in all other respects things went well.

PM – As the man, you should certainly be the one who ends the date. You can end it by checking your watch or cellphone and say something like “I’ve got to run, it’s been great meeting you.” Don’t tell her why you have to run, maintain a bit of mystery.

MOXIE – If you’re interested in her enjoy the evening. Don’t sit there and think you have to end things by a certain time. Let the date run its natural course.  I wouldn’t recommend a marathon date, but if the vibe is there and you two are enjoying each other, don’t end the date because you think you’ll look too eager if you don’t. When you feel things are winding down, that’s when you step in and say that you have to get going home. (Even if you’re not going home, say you are even if you’re meeting friends somewhere.)  Don’t say “it’s been great meeting you.” It’s a date, not an interview. It sounds clinical and kind of negative. You walk her to her cab or the subway or to her building, ya smooch her good night and tell her you want to see her again.

2 – What verbal enders are good like – “Call you in a few days”  bleh.

PM – “You can expect an email from me.” “Look for my texts”, etc. Don’t say exactly when.

MOXIE – Jesus. Why doesn’t he just send her a tape recording that says, “Your Mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go out with me again.” Then have it explode 5 seconds after listening for effect. At the end of the date you say you want to see her again and that you’ll contact her to make plans for X day. You don’t have to say when to contact her. I don’t think it’s bad to play it cool. Just don’t make douchey statements like, “Look for my texts.” It just makes you sound so odd and controlling. Also? Please realize that more and more women are attuned to Game lingo.

3 – What’s the “rule” on follow-up contact – I’ve heard everything from wait two days, a week, etc. before you follow-up and setup another get together.

PM – Between 24 and 72 hours after the date has ended. Any more than three days (72 hours) and that will throw off your online dating website review schedule (see my answer below).

MOXIE – I agree with PM here. 24-72 hours is an appropriate amount of time.

4 – If you met her online, is it poor form to be seen back on the dating site the next day, yet you are not contacting her? Anyway, seems kind of obvious that you are just waiting the obligatory two days or whatever since she has a timestamp of when you were online.   I’m thinking it best to just stay off of course, but if you are also working other fish….on the other hand, being seen back on the dating site, but not contacting her might make hamsters turn the wheel, or it might make you look desperate.  I dunno.

PM – Tricky business this. If you would like to see her again, don’t log in until after you have sent her the follow up communication. Then wait for a period of a few hours as if you’re waiting for her response (which you are). If you’re working other fish, you should be communicating via email and not through the dating website’s internal messaging system. 

MOXIE – If she’s going to monitor your dating profile, that’s her choice. Frankly, I think it’s a good idea to let her see you online. Lest she get a little too comfortable. Don’t go out of your way to make sure she sees that. But don’t hide because you’re afraid she will. I think PM is encouraging you to put way too much thought in to what’s going on in her head. You’re making what is supposed to be fun and possibly lead to the sexy time into a chess game. There is such a thing as over-strategizing.

5.  Finally, if you met her online, went back and forth a bit, did the phone call, did the date, should follow-up to set next meet up always be phone call?  I’m thinking yes.

PM – A phone call is best but you can text her in advance with “I’m going to call you soon” to test her response. A “looking forward to it!” or something similar is a good sign. No response means she’s not that interested in you and the phone call may be a useless exercise.

MOXIE – You could do either. I’d just send a text. I don’t think a phone call is required. Plus, once you set that precedent she’ll hold you to it.

Our advice is somewhat different and there is obviously some subjectivity involved, “Douchey statements”? Douchey to her, perhaps. Question 4 has the biggest differences. It’s important to know that much of my male readership are guys struggling to break free of beta behavior so they require more analysis of their own dating behavior before any degree of natural confidence can happen.

Some of my readers will likely point out that “Moxie doesn’t date girls and clearly doesn’t understand how women act in the context of dating” and that’s a valid criticism but to only a very small degree. Moxie is quite aware of male-female dating dynamics and she doesn’t feed a woman’s rationalization hamster as evidenced by the anger she receives in her blog post’s comments.

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