The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

The Online Dating System, Revisited.

As my blog is getting close to a year old and with over 220 posts so far, it’s again time to remind my readers of older posts that are chock full o’ good info.

My fourth blog post described my systematic approach to online dating. It’s worth a read for guys who find themselves suddenly single and jumping into the online dating scene.

I’ve revised that system here and there but the basics still apply. It’s important to highlight these points:

  • Never wink at a woman (only some online dating websites offer this).
  • Never make a woman a “favorite”. Save that for later to confirm your interest.
  • Turn off the feature where women can see that you’ve viewed her profile. Be mysterious.

There is a very valid reason for all this: Don’t give a woman too much time to reject you.

When you wink, favorite, or noted as viewing her profile, you are giving the woman the advance chance to reject you. Also, you are showing yourself to be a passive pursuer. Online Charisma is different than IRL (In Real Life) Charisma. Online Charisma requires the man to be more direct yet, ironically, still be mysterious.

Winking, favoriting, and visiting is not being direct. Sending a message is being direct. It shows confidence.

You’re welcome.

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8 thoughts on “The Online Dating System, Revisited.

  1. DC Phil on said:

    Of interest:

    I like this guy. At least he’s an academic with many papers published, backed up by data.

    In short, the format and environment of online dating, more often than not, works against both sexes, but disproportionately against men because the women are inundated with messages and, as a result, get inflated egos. No news there.

    More intriguing, though, is what Ariely has to say about “experiential goods.” Indeed, until I changed my dating tactics a few months ago, the point of the first date was to see if I could stand being in the woman’s presence. There have been only one or two women out of 30 + whom I thought were so off-putting that I never wanted to see them again. Unfortunately, of the remainder, just a small handful wanted to see me again.

  2. AnonymousDog on said:

    Mysterious? I think there’s a limit to that. Not posting pictures of yourself on your profile might be mysterious, but won’t get you responses to your messages. And I should know, having tried it. Even women who don’t post a picture of themselves often have a line in their profile saying “If you don’t have a picture i won’t respond”.

    Having just re-read your 4th post, I think there’s one thing you didn’t mention: Men should not expect to get unsolicited initial messages from women. Maybe that’s just completely obvious to everyone else, but I had run newspaper classified personals years ago (with no pictures, of course), and always got at least one response. When I first posted a profile on POF several years ago, I assumed it would work similar to newspaper classifieds. It did not.I’ve had several different profiles up on POF since then, and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, in terms of getting unsolicited initial messages from women. I have noticed two kind of odd things, though: Women long geographical distances away are more likely to send me unsolicited messages; and my current profile which lists my status as ‘Not single/not looking’ has gotten the most unsolicited messages from women who are relatively nearby. Go figure.

    • I agree with the mysterious element, there are limits. Unless a man is devastatingly attractive (as I proved with my fake profile),he should expect little or no inbound messages from women. Yes, it might happen, but usually from a woman who is not particularly attractive. The increase in unsolicited messages from the “Not single/not looking” status on your profile isn’t as surprising as you might think. Women want what they can’t have. They might think you are in demand, that you’re in a relationship, or you need to be “won over” in some sense. That makes them get all competitive.

  3. johnnymilfquest on said:

    Every dating site is different, but I liked your specific advice to me about not clicking “yes” or “maybe” to women’s photos on POF’s “meet me” feature. That makes good sense.

    “Turn off the feature where women can see that you’ve viewed her profile.”

    How do you do that on POF?

    “Never wink at a woman”

    Makes sense.

    “Never make a woman a “favorite””

    For sites like POF where she is dodging hundreds of penises like Neo avoiding bullets in the matrix, that makes good sense.

    But on the smaller niche dating sites with lower membership, adding a woman as a favourite and waiting for her to add you back sometimes pays off.

    • Professor Beta on said:

      To turn off the feature where women can see that you have viewed their profile on POF, go to “mail settings” when you log in. There is the option to turn off this feature. You’re welcome.

  4. SgrDdyBta on said:

    Should I even bother with online dating, or… just “work” the hotel bars here in So-Fla? What brings this to mind is a lesson learned (and forgotten) long ago… to wit:

    [i]The increase in unsolicited messages from the “Not single/not looking” status on your profile isn’t as surprising as you might think. Women want what they can’t have.[/i]

    LOL +1! Eons ago I worked at a tech company’s HQ in Denver, supporting the sales guys all over N. America. Every quarter we’d summon said sales dudes in from the far-flung provinces, and subject them to a few days of corporate “training” on new products, as well as the usual barrage of HR bromides-du-jour… “Six Sigma”, “Seven Habits of Defective People”, etc… see Dogbert for details–it’s so eff’n true!

    Anyway, they’d be on expense accounts, and be owing us big-time favors for bailing out their over-promising, under-delivering asses during the prior 3 month sales quarter, so of course we’d go on merry lobster/steak/bourbon binges all over Denver and up into Boulder (college town), in a convoy of 2 or 3 cabs… all on Duh Company Dime, nach. (Oh yeah, the altitude just amplifies Duh Booze.)

    Not surprisingly, these proverbial traveling salesmen were mostly glib, extroverted, hard-drinking Alpha types, used to living out of a suitcase, being quick on their feet, and picking up SNL carousel riders from hotel bars, with a minimum of muss and fuss.

    One of the more “seasoned” road warriors, a confirmed bachelor, was always slaying us with knee-slapping tales of the hot-but-psychotic HB8 & HB9 harem sluts back at his home base, sometimes accompanied by copies of the police reports, LOL!

    But during one of these quarterly visits, I noticed he was wearing a classic wedding ring, on the classic finger for such things. So shocked was I, that I hit the “WTF?” button on him in mid-regale. The rest of the road-warriors smirked knowingly, but we clueless HQ Beta types were obviously not in like Flynn… so he laid it out for us:

    When he wants a sure SNL from a hotel bar, he wears a wedding ring, but if he’s in the mood for a VERY KINKY (hetero) SNL, he dons a Catholic priest outfit, complete with the collar! >>>ZOUNDS!

    Now with the priest gig, it’s purely a matter of “women want what they can’t have” (and yet our grandfathers thought it “wise” to let them VOTE????), but with the wedding ring, it’s more a matter of “mutually assured destruction”, i.e. contrary to sexy soap operas, most married peeps cheat with other married peeps–it’s just easier ’cause you’re both on the same page, same NSA motives, yada-yada. I guess he figured if a married woman is trolling hotel bars, why be cruel? Why deny her the phallic validation she craves? And why honor the marriage, MORE THAN THE PERSON THAT’S *IN* THE MARRIAGE??

    Of course, being then in the pathetic Blue Pill phase of life, I doubted efficacy of these tactics, until… HE DEMONSTRATED THEM for me! (Had to wait another 3 months for him to return with the priest outfit, but… you know the rest… ) Yeah, took him less than an hour each time to get a passably slender babe, age 26-38 up to his room. Sure, wimminz in a hotel bar are pretty well self pre-selected to be DTF, but still, takes some smooth game… I thought about emulating him, but knew I couldn’t keep a straight face… or consume that much alcohol, and still function.

    Still… I think I will acquire that priest outfit anyway… just to look at. ;’)

    • DC Phil on said:

      So how do these women usually react to single guys, or guys who say that they’re married, but wear no rings?

      • It’s all about external symbols of preselection.
        Many women cannot pick men well (hence their string of failed relationships) so they would prefer to steal another woman’s man (he has already been validated).
        Which is why one of the player tactics is to use the idea of an “imaginary girlfriend/wife” to make out that you need to be stolen away.
        Women seem to prefer that too. Since they want a man other women HAVE. So much for their belief in “true love”.

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