The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the day “November 10, 2011”

The Confidence Sub-Routine Expanded

This recent post needs to be re-visited because of a comment that asked for a further explanation on the nature of the confidence sub-routine. This also necessitates examining the next prerequisite before learning real Charisma with women.

Will you go into more on how to develop this sub routine? [Also,] I am looking into a Toastmasters that is local. Not sure what to expect other than doing public speeches when you get there.

Here’s the basic definition: Confident, inner Charisma ( the confidence sub-routine) is at the core strength of a man’s psyche. It is the knowledge that he has mastered something important to him and that the mastery gives him a sense of control over himself and his social environment.

This is the essence of the confidence sub-routine. When a man knows that he excels at something, it affects his confidence. That confidence should be manifested physically, verbally, and in regard to his overall presence and frame of mind.

Here is the most crucial element to the confidence sub-routine: it has nothing to do with being more attractive to women. The confidence sub-routine is about the man and the activity, nothing more. If a man is working on his mastery and confidence sub-routine solely for the purpose of being more attractive to women, he will fail with women.

Worse, it could result in the Sodini effect. That’s the condition of murderous anger at women when a man’s confidence sub-routine (and/or social skills) have not developed prior to learning PUA tactics and there were too many rejections because of this.

So, we start here:

Creating the confidence sub-routine requires a lengthy post unto itself.

The next element of the confidence sub-routine is acquiring excellent social skills. For some men, social skills come easily. For many others, social skills are supremely challenging and hard to learn. I am also including the social skills of being presentable in appearance, style, health, and general comportment even when not directly interacting with others.

It’s important to know that social skills is the operating system that we, as social animals, must work within. The confidence sub-routine is useless without effective social skills. These skills are not specifically to be more attractive to women. Social skills are vital when dealing with everyone on the planet. There is good news – mastering an activity could very well result in seriously improved social skills. More good news – having good social skills increases the strength of the confidence sub-routine.

My recommended website for verbal and intra-personal social skills: Succeed Socially.

As I’ve just said, the social skills come next

When the confidence sub-routine is in place and the social skills are developed on top of that, Charisma with women can be learned and practiced. It bears repeating but in a different way. The prerequisites to having Charisma with women are social skills and the confidence sub-routine. With a healthy confidence sub-routine and good social skills, there not be much Charisma to learn.

This is where a debate has surfaced. Some argue that with that healthy confidence sub-routine and those good social skills, there is no need to learn Charisma with women. I feel that some learning of Charisma is necessary. It’s extremely important to know that such learning is not a replacement for confidence and social skills.

We now have the complete picture:

One of the challenges is to find the most appropriate activity to master. It’s common Manosphere wisdom that nerdy activities should be avoided. I’ll add a huge caveat to that. It’s perfectly reasonable to master an activity that is considered nerdy, just don’t talk about it with women. Witness the kerfuffle with Alyssa Bereznak, Jon Finkel,  and Magic the Gathering. If the fellow simply didn’t talk about his enthusiasm, the resulting bullshit simply wouldn’t have happened.

Of course, not being able to discuss such mastery means that the confidence must be expressed in a man’s frame of mind and physical presence. As well, social skills must be superb. If the activity isn’t considered nerdy, it’s perfectly reasonable to bring it up in conversation. However, a man must not be obsessive about it. That’s the stuff of social skills 101.

Where the vast majority of PUA systems marketers fail is the inability to teach the confidence sub-routine or even the necessary social skills. First of all, the confidence sub-routine really can’t be taught, merely given advice in regards to. The whole “fake it to you make it” is the usual mantra from the PUA marketers and this is too often fraught with epic fail. The rejection level can be too high for a man’s poor self-confidence and so the PUA lessons are worthless because those rejections exceeded the confidence sub-routine parameters.

As for Toastmasters, I have done it myself and what you’ll get is a series of exercises and opportunities to give various types of speeches. A big part of doing Toastmasters is that you have an audience of adults looking at you. You’re the center of attention. For many men, that’s extraordinarily intimidating. Not only are you the center of attention, there are certain expectations of performance. Be relieved, Toastmasters is a great group of friendly people and won’t judge you negatively.

Mastering public speaking is a great example of building inner Charisma and the confidence sub-routine. You’ll also have the opportunity to be social and than means working on social skills.

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