The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

Archive for the month “September, 2011”

The Real Work In Relationships

Decades ago, I was about to marry a Catholic woman. In order to have a priest officiate (referee?) at our wedding, we had to go through a something called “Pre-Cana”. This is a course or consultation Catholic couples must undergo before they can be married in a Catholic church.

At the time, we met with a married couple for the local church for several sessions of discussion about the nature of marriage in the context of a Catholic, theological teachings regarding the sacrament of marriage. It was interesting.

During these pre-cana meetings with this other couple, the theme of “work” in a relationship came up frequently. It made sense at the time. In fact, the couple who advised us that the work meant “do what you can to make your partner happy”. It seemed golden advice but I was too naive to ask the appropriate follow-up question to the couple giving the advice or even my fiancée at the time.

My marriage did fall apart. Even at the end of the relationship, I thought I was doing the right thing by catering to my wife’s whims. I was listening to her words. I had no idea about the red pill, hypergamy, Game, etc. I made the most spectacular of relationship mistakes by listening to the words and ignoring the actions.

Here is the real secret of relationship work:

A women maintains her attraction to her husband by being feminine on an ongoing basis despite the stress of child-rearing and job.

A man maintains his attraction to his wife by being masculine on ongoing basis despite the stress of career and maintaining a household.

Athol Kay to the white courtesy phone, please.

On both sides, to accomplish this requires real work, every damned day. Catering to spousal whims and saying “yes, dear wife” (very common) or “yes, dear husband” (has any husband actually heard those words?) is actually shockingly easy and so doesn’t qualify as real work. Those words are relationship poison in the long run as I learned first-hand.

The key to this approach is to ignore the words and focus on the actions, the exact same advice that should be given to single men in the context of dating and starting relationships. Regardless of what comes out of a woman’s mouth, men – single, committed, or married – must look to the actions for guidance. For example:

Words: “I hate it when you objectify me as a sexual object”

Actions: Hot, monkey sex with the man dominating the woman in bed.

Men tend to be more honest with their words. Consider old adage that “a man’s word is his bond”. There is no female equivalent.

The next time someone gives the “a healthy relationship requires work” bit of advice, just re-read those two points in bold face, above.

You’re welcome.

Fulfilling A Woman’s Hypergamy

Danny asked an important question regarding a woman’s hypergamy and what it’s based on. In particular, will a woman pass up a rich beta for an alpha of lower income or wealth.

The short answer is yes.

The longer answer is also yes but with some important considerations.

If a woman is in the throes of baby rabies, the temptation to settle for a beta provider is huge. This is where evolutionary psychology and contemporary social expectations differ. Hunter-gatherer providers were mostly all alphas. After all, those alphas brought home the protein and slew the saber-tooth tiger.

It’s only after humanity embraced agriculture and industrialization did the concept of the beta provider come to fore. Caring for children – especially just after birth – requires the ability to provide for both woman and child. The steady, reliable man who kept a solid farm or worked hard in the factory was the best option for a woman looking to spawn.

In fact, so good was the beta provider that an entire matrix of social expectations was built to steer young women towards that type of man. Family, community, the culture at large made it very clear that the often economically unstable – but vagina tingle-causing – alpha was not an appropriate father. Those social expectations continued on until women were liberated from following the social expectations. “Find a good, solid man” became “never settle”.

With women liberated (and not in a good way) to think only with their genitals, a perverse situation has emerged. The beta provider might be great for supporting the kids with financial resources, it’s the alpha male who is great for supporting the vagina with sexual pleasure. Today’s woman will actively be seeking both types of men, sometimes concurrently. Start your hamsters, ladies! Paternity fraud being the consequences where no hilarity ensues.

As we live in a modern society, a good spear arm is no longer the only requirement of alpha characteristics. This is great for guys today because not every guy has that good spear arm. Red pill men know that the hypergamous instinct can be used in a guy’s favor.

  • More money – This is the classic and if the guy has alpha characteristics and is willing to commit to a woman, it’s the zenith of a woman’s relationship attainment.
  • More good looks and/or physical strength – This actually means having more than most of the other guys. This also includes height to a certain extent. This harkens back to the classic hunter-gatherer alpha, the guy with the good spear arm.
  • More intelligence – This one is a bit problematic because women see good communication skills, humor, and overall social skills as the only manifestation of intelligence. Other forms of intelligence are simply ignored. The shy nerd with an IQ of 140 who makes a a very good living and the potential to launch an incredibly successful business enterprise is passed over for the witty, conversational guy who lives paycheck to paycheck.
  • More achievement in a particular skill – This is somewhat less problematic than the intelligence part. In his post, Danny mentioned his landscaper friend and how his girlfriend was a bit in awe in all the beauty that the friend created. The girlfriend was proud of him. So the achievement must be immediately apparent and obvious to all. As well, the achievement must be something that a beta typically wouldn’t do, like video games or Magic the Gathering.
  • More sophistication – Believe it or not, sophistication does not require affluence or even a great deal of intelligence. A man with sophisticated tastes and interests can do very well with women who lack sophistication. Classical music, literature, the arts are good examples. Frankly, anything that impresses her will suffice.
  • More charisma – This actually means having more charisma than other guys. A woman with a charismatic man doesn’t have to worry about his money, brains, achievements, or sophistication. Every one else is simply drawn to him and that’s quite the vagina tingle for her, right there
  • More social value – This could mean a higher standing in the community, a larger social network of friends, a position where other’s consult him on important matters. This means matters that are important to her, giving sage advice on Magic the Gathering does not count.

These are just the one’s that come to mind first. I am sure that there are other ways to fulfill a woman’s hypergamous instincts. What is good is that many I have listed a man can attain by working at it and not necessarily having those characteristics in his genes. For any guy with Game, hypergamy is a rapturous thing indeed.

Women And The Saber-Tooth Tiger

What do women really want?

Not to be eaten by a saber-tooth tiger.

Seriously, I mean that. (Hat tip to Danny)

Of course, in our more civilized world, the saber-tooth tiger is a metaphor for poverty or the inability to take care of children and/or self.

I have been told that Oprah Winfrey is so terrified of the saber-tooth tiger that she keeps a huge stash of cash hidden away so she can battle the tiger on her own. Ex-wife #1 confided to me that her worst nightmare was to become homeless. That was her metaphor for being eaten by the tiger.

Way back in the day when a good spear was better than a briefcase and cubicle job, women needed to be protected by and provided for by men. Men had the unique brains, muscle, and general overall abilities to make this happen. In a small band of hunter-gatherer humans, a coordinated group of men could serve this function quite well. Women did a fine job of gathering but protein in the form of animal flesh was an absolute necessity for strength, if not survival. Hunters were required and that meant strong, intelligent men.

As human civilization spent a few hundred thousand years in the hunter-gatherer phase and only about five thousand years in the agricultural/industrial age, the patterns of selecting a mate are hard-wired into our brains based on our hunter-gatherer past. Women want men to fight off the saber-tooth tiger. Even to this day, the first priority of women is to gain security. That security can be found in the context of a relationship with a man or with true financial independence.

No amount of social programming is going to strip away a woman’s need for security. Neither social shaming nor social expectations are strong enough to override biology. It’s readily apparent in online dating profiles when a woman states her preference for a tall man. Short men can’t fight the saber-tooth tiger and win. Sure, a short guy might build a perfectly good hut, but compared to the teeth of the tiger, the hut is not the highest priority.

Consider leadership and intelligence in the hunter-gatherer context. Compared to a saber-tooth tiger, an individual man has little chance of survival against said tiger, even with the sharpest of spears. The tiger is stronger and faster. The tiger is likely hungrier, too. So, a leader of men must coordinate his efforts with other men in order to slay the tiger. Poor leadership and coordination means six dead guys as opposed to one dead saber-tooth tiger.

As modern civilization is well upon us, there are placeholders for the alpha traits of our hunter-gatherer forefathers.

Confidence – The man has the attitude and (hopefully) the experience of killing saber-tooth tigers.

Leadership – The man has the ability to gain the respect necessary to lead other men to kill the saber-tooth tiger.

Generosity – The man is willing to share the tiger pelt and meat with her and the rest of the clan. Do tigers make for good eating? Who cares, there’s protein in the hut!

Intelligence – The man has the intellectual horsepower to find tactics and strategies to kill the saber-tooth tiger.

The physical element still remains. Women prefer tall, muscular guys. These are the obvious traits of a man who has the physical ability to kill the tiger. And what of incredibly prevalent women’s fantasies to be dominated sexually? Yeah, the tiger-killer wants his woman and won’t take no for an answer.

If one guy possesses all the traits of a successful saber-tooth tiger killer, he will likely have more than one woman competing for his affection and tiger pelt. The women involved will simply share him. Hey, it’s good to be the hunter… or king – the relatively modern manifestation of a good tiger-hunter.

Creeps Or Criminals?

Rarely do I address issues brought up by feminist writers or websites. The back story can be found here. It all comes from one comment from Amanda Marcotte, the snarky and not very intelligent feminist writer:

Women’s need to be safe comes first… the onus is on men not to be creepy.

The privilege and entitlement in the first phrase is patently obvious. Coming from a feminist, the hypocrisy is delicious. It’s apparently a man’s job to keep cupcake safe. I would be quite pleased to protect a woman who gives me love and respect or who is a close friend or family member. I will certainly protect an elderly woman. Random women? Not so much. Feminists, you’re on your own.

I have some degree of sympathy for women and their need for safety. Women, after all, are physically weaker. As well, they are vulnerable to a certain degree of emotional manipulation by guys with the right skills and dark motives. The problem – as Marcotte so nicely pointed out – is that women, in her opinion, can’t quite figure out who is the dangerous creep and who is the guy who simply lacks good social skills. So the StrongIndependentWomen™ lumps all socially inept (and likely physically unattractive) men together as “creeps”.

But there are three categories of such “creeps”:

Sullen loner with poor social skills – pissed off beta who comes across as creepy. He’s harmless but scares women because of the next category of bad men.

Sullen loner with poor social skills and weapons – pissed off beta who is likely to commit mass mayhem or some other act of violence. Think George Soldini or the guy who shot up the college in Virginia.

Ordinary guy with poor social skills – Another creepy (according to the StrongIndependentWoman™) guy but he’s harmless and likely very confused or distraught that he’s been lumped in the same group with the other two types of guys lacking social skills.

Marcotte is quick to dismiss any type of creep under the guise of “safety”. That’s a variation of the ForTheChildren™ defense because feminists can’t quite seem to decide if they are victims or they are empowered. I guess that depends on the situation and what they seek to gain. Quite the privilege, that.

In all reality, most “creeps” are just ordinary guys who lack the social ability to make a girl’s vajayjay get all tingly. No tingles? He’s a creep. The biggest exception is when a woman like Marcotte needs her roof repaired or her gutters cleaned. That’s when the guy must show up, tend to the task, and completely ignore her lest she discover he’s a creep. Unless, of course, he’s a hunky, millionaire handyman.

Of course, the guys with the social skills that cause a woman to get weak between the thighs aren’t always pure of heart. Consider these two categories of confident cads:

Charming, confident cad – This is the classic player. He break hearts with impunity and without regard. Women love this type of confident man and flock to him. Worse, there’s a whole industry out there turning creeps into confident cads. After a creep has been rejected enough times (“get away, you creep!”), he’s not real motivated to use his new-found social skills for good and not evil.

Charming, confident felon – This is the player with the murderous or felonious intent. This confident fellow steals things from women or actually kills them. Ted Bundy, anyone? Oh, he was popular with the ladies even while in prison. It’s this type of man that women should truly be scared of. There are more of these guys then there are the George Soldini types. Murder isn’t always the result, but there are an awful lot of con-men and grifters preying on women.

So that awkward guy trying valiantly to make small talk at a social event is not a threat in any way. Just because a woman finds his lack of confidence to be offputting does not make him a potentially dangerous creep.

Watch out for the smooth, confident player who gets your girly bits all steamy. He’s the one who will charm the panties off you, the money in your bank account from you, and maybe even commit violence against you. Worse, he might have been a creep in the past but has taken the time and effort to learn the appropriate skills (Game) to elicit vagina tingles from unsuspecting feminists. That’s Marcotte’s worst nightmare. “Oh my God, I had sex with a beta!”

The Dating Phone

Prepaid cellular phones are an extremely cheap way to acquire a second cell phone. It’s the dating cell phone and is advantageous in a number of ways:

1. Jilted women can commit some stalkerish behavior, especially involving phones. A spurned lover can blow up a phone with calls, texts and voicemails. The dating phone can simply be thrown away and replaced by a new dating phone. Remember to get the contact information stored in the phone and notify your contacts of your new phone number. You’ll need a good excuse, perhaps tell them the truth that an ex is blowing up your phone.

2. As each and every minute costs money, there is great motivation to keep the conversations short. Short phone calls prevent a guy from revealing too much information and therefore creates a bit of mystery. Just don’t tell her that you are calling with a prepaid phone. She’ll think you as cheap.

3. You can leave the dating phone behind at your place or in your car and still take emergency calls on your primary phone. When women call or text the dating phone, you’re sometimes or often unavailable. That sends the message that you’re busy with life. I know that many guys are incredibly tempted to answer calls or immediately return a text from women. Not having the phone around all the time prevents such temptation.

4. It forces you to interact more personally with the women in your dating pipeline. If it’s a pain to text (no real keyboard on cheap phones), then you’ll be talking more. As talking costs money, you’ll be having more face to face d

5. It functions as a backup phone should your primary phone fail for some reason. Batteries die, outages happen, carriers have dead zones.

Here are some tips regarding the dating phone:

Make sure that it’s a different provider than your primary phone. You don’t want the dating phone to be in any way associated with your primary phone. Also, if your primary carrier has a dead zone, the dating phone carrier may work.

Keep it cheap. While you’re not going to get all sorts of bells and whistles, you want to keep your investment costs low in case you have to toss it. I bought a $15 phone at Walmart (TracFone) and it came with 30 minutes. I’ve had this one for almost two years and I’ve only had to buy minutes and a new battery.

Get a double minute phone (TracFone might even offer a triple minute phone) to save money. Also, buy your minutes in relatively small amounts. I buy 60 minutes at a time (ends up being 120 minutes) and that has served me well. If I toss the phone, I don’t lose too many minutes.

When you’re on a date or with a girl, keep the dating phone hidden and silent. This is vital. Discovery of the dating phone might lead to complications. Also, it’s still necessary to put a code lock on your primary phone because if some cupcake gets hold of it she won’t be able to see that your calls and texts didn’t come from your primary phone.

Given how cheap the dating phone option is, I’m surprised that it hasn’t been strongly recommended.

Identifying Female Archetypes With The ® Symbol

This issue is bothering me of late.

There is much discussion about the stereotypical NiceGuy®. This is the type of fellow who thinks that being “nice” to a girl will yield physical intimacy but rather he gets emotional intimacy in the form of being the girl’s emotional tampon. The whole NiceGuy® approach is what mothers – usually single – tell their sons as advice on how to be more attractive to girls.

The taxonomy of men is quite well understood by females. Creeps® and BadBoys® are also part of that taxonomy. The Manosphere lacks clever titles to quickly denote a common female archetype. Sure, we talk about entitlement princesses but perhaps we need to brand that. Something like “EntitlementPrincess®” to indicate that the female in question has expectations too high and thinks that she deserves everything in life merely because she possesses a vagina.

In fact, the registered trademark symbol can be useful for so many terms that have become nasty clichés:

  • “ForTheChildren®”
  • “WhiteKnight®”
  • “PussyPass®”
  • “SexPozzie®”
  • “CatHerder®”
  • “DeserveBitch®”

You get the idea. The “(tm)” works just as well and is useful when ascii symbols aren’t immediately available when posting or commenting.

I think we should spread this idea ’round the Manosphere and see what happens.

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