The Real Work In Relationships
Decades ago, I was about to marry a Catholic woman. In order to have a priest officiate (referee?) at our wedding, we had to go through a something called “Pre-Cana”. This is a course or consultation Catholic couples must undergo before they can be married in a Catholic church.
At the time, we met with a married couple for the local church for several sessions of discussion about the nature of marriage in the context of a Catholic, theological teachings regarding the sacrament of marriage. It was interesting.
During these pre-cana meetings with this other couple, the theme of “work” in a relationship came up frequently. It made sense at the time. In fact, the couple who advised us that the work meant “do what you can to make your partner happy”. It seemed golden advice but I was too naive to ask the appropriate follow-up question to the couple giving the advice or even my fiancée at the time.
My marriage did fall apart. Even at the end of the relationship, I thought I was doing the right thing by catering to my wife’s whims. I was listening to her words. I had no idea about the red pill, hypergamy, Game, etc. I made the most spectacular of relationship mistakes by listening to the words and ignoring the actions.
Here is the real secret of relationship work:
A women maintains her attraction to her husband by being feminine on an ongoing basis despite the stress of child-rearing and job.
A man maintains his attraction to his wife by being masculine on ongoing basis despite the stress of career and maintaining a household.
Athol Kay to the white courtesy phone, please.
On both sides, to accomplish this requires real work, every damned day. Catering to spousal whims and saying “yes, dear wife” (very common) or “yes, dear husband” (has any husband actually heard those words?) is actually shockingly easy and so doesn’t qualify as real work. Those words are relationship poison in the long run as I learned first-hand.
The key to this approach is to ignore the words and focus on the actions, the exact same advice that should be given to single men in the context of dating and starting relationships. Regardless of what comes out of a woman’s mouth, men – single, committed, or married – must look to the actions for guidance. For example:
Words: “I hate it when you objectify me as a sexual object”
Actions: Hot, monkey sex with the man dominating the woman in bed.
Men tend to be more honest with their words. Consider old adage that “a man’s word is his bond”. There is no female equivalent.
The next time someone gives the “a healthy relationship requires work” bit of advice, just re-read those two points in bold face, above.