The Private Man

Attraction and dating information for all men

The Real Work In Relationships

Decades ago, I was about to marry a Catholic woman. In order to have a priest officiate (referee?) at our wedding, we had to go through a something called “Pre-Cana”. This is a course or consultation Catholic couples must undergo before they can be married in a Catholic church.

At the time, we met with a married couple for the local church for several sessions of discussion about the nature of marriage in the context of a Catholic, theological teachings regarding the sacrament of marriage. It was interesting.

During these pre-cana meetings with this other couple, the theme of “work” in a relationship came up frequently. It made sense at the time. In fact, the couple who advised us that the work meant “do what you can to make your partner happy”. It seemed golden advice but I was too naive to ask the appropriate follow-up question to the couple giving the advice or even my fiancée at the time.

My marriage did fall apart. Even at the end of the relationship, I thought I was doing the right thing by catering to my wife’s whims. I was listening to her words. I had no idea about the red pill, hypergamy, Game, etc. I made the most spectacular of relationship mistakes by listening to the words and ignoring the actions.

Here is the real secret of relationship work:

A women maintains her attraction to her husband by being feminine on an ongoing basis despite the stress of child-rearing and job.

A man maintains his attraction to his wife by being masculine on ongoing basis despite the stress of career and maintaining a household.

Athol Kay to the white courtesy phone, please.

On both sides, to accomplish this requires real work, every damned day. Catering to spousal whims and saying “yes, dear wife” (very common) or “yes, dear husband” (has any husband actually heard those words?) is actually shockingly easy and so doesn’t qualify as real work. Those words are relationship poison in the long run as I learned first-hand.

The key to this approach is to ignore the words and focus on the actions, the exact same advice that should be given to single men in the context of dating and starting relationships. Regardless of what comes out of a woman’s mouth, men – single, committed, or married – must look to the actions for guidance. For example:

Words: “I hate it when you objectify me as a sexual object”

Actions: Hot, monkey sex with the man dominating the woman in bed.

Men tend to be more honest with their words. Consider old adage that “a man’s word is his bond”. There is no female equivalent.

The next time someone gives the “a healthy relationship requires work” bit of advice, just re-read those two points in bold face, above.

You’re welcome.


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23 thoughts on “The Real Work In Relationships

  1. Great post. Like most men i could of done with reading this years ago. Somtimes when looking back, I’m aghast at how clueless I had been.

  2. “Men tend to be more honest with their words. Consider old adage that “a man’s word is his bond”. There is no female equivalent.”

    So true.

    Women speak in riddles. The only way to truly know what a woman is like is to see how she acts when she thinks nobody is looking. The real nature of the average American woman can be pretty shocking.

    • Women speak in riddles so they come out the winner in any dealings with men…
      Since the men they are likely dealing in this way with, are not the man they were genuinely first attracted to.

      Not only that, it’s a great way to extort people when you have them walking on eggshells, you can always throw a tantrum without any justification and most people will let you off with the saying “Women are emotional”.
      Yeah, all that and “equal” too. Weird world.

  3. M.A.W. Blogger on said:

    All the marriage advice, counseling, and books that I came across have turned out to be poison. We were much more religious when we dated and there were just all these soft, lovey, flowery one-liners about being a “loving” husband (as in “don’t you dare cheat on your wife since that’s all guys are good at, and always say yes to everything she says”) and a “submissive” wife (but feel free to eat as much as you want and sit around all day getting fatter by the second. He won’t leave you for being fat because he’s stuck with you)

    The MMSL book really was a big eye opener and it all started making so much more sense. I’d give that as a wedding gift before ever considering “the five love languages”.

  4. detinennui32 on said:

    This right here. Bravo, PM. Let me add:

    How is the woman to be feminine? Be kind, pleasant, physically appealing, and optimistic.

    How is the man to be masculine? Take charge, make decisions with her reasonable input, have and implement your life plan, lead her, keep your body reasonably fit, sex her up regularly.

    Note this requires the woman to BE.

    This requires the man to DO, to take action.

    • Is that why more people think women are superior to men?
      Because they are Human Be-ings,
      while men are only
      Human Do-ings?

    • Actually that requires a LOT of “doing” from the woman: staying fit, attractive, patient, keeping a good attitude inspite of any stress. Women lead through our examples.

      And it should be noted, giving hot monkey sex has nothing necessarily to do with OBJECTIFYING a woman; the latter usually occurs outside of sexual situations.

      • Pfft. Most women WANT to be objectified, because if they are it suggests to them they are hot (sexually attractive), which is the biggest complement they can receive.

        Further on down that list of complements a woman could receive from a man are intelligence, kindness, etc.

        Men in the manosphere understand women much better than the average woman understands herself.

      • lol That depends on the man in the manosphere; advice varies slightly from guy to guy. Some feed on women with little esteem, while others understand on deeper levels actual needs in LTRs. And being made to feel sexy is, again, different from being thought of as just a sex organ; I know firsthand the difference.

      • Wrong, Jenny: A woman is sexy only if she has a servicable sex organ. In other words, if the chick is hot, and the guy gets a boner, she is sexy. If the guy does not get a boner, then she is NOT sexy (assuming no physiological/psychological problems with the guy). Sexy has absolutely NOTHING to do with how a man might make her feel, it is proportional to the hard on he gets because he finds her attractive, and NOTHING else.

        You need to stay away from that silly Dove website, cupcake.

      • lol That’s my point: there’s nothing objectifying about a man getting aroused by a woman, esp. if they’re a couple. This would make her feel sexy, not objectified; the latter would take more than that.

  5. The happiest couples you know – the ones who are the best fit for each other – are the ones who display it the least. When I hear a husband continually self-deprecate about how lucky he was to get with his wife because he’s such a hopeless schmuck, or I see a woman post “for the both of them” on their communal Face Book profile, it tells me all I need to know about their relationship. It’s struggle, it’s doubt, it’s a constant need for convincing themselves that what they’re doing, who they chose to commit their lives to, how they need to “work at their marriage” in order to keep it fresh, is all according to some greater design.

    Good couples don’t give this a passing thought. People love to parrot the Oprah approved line that” a good relationship is hard work” because it sounds like the right thing to say. Bullshit. A good relationship is effortless; it’s matter of fact, not a constant role one must play at or an advertisement.

    • The chances of one finding themselves in what you call a “good” relationship, an LTR where there is an extreme amount of attraction on both sides which continues through the lives of the individuals, are next to nil. Especially now, in the context of the continual mancession and the obesity epidemic, which depletes the SMV of the average man and the woman, respectively.

      So what is one to do? Not be in a relationship unless the mutual attraction is off the scale? If so, you reserve the LTR for 1% of the population.

      We tell women they need to lower their expectations, shouldn’t we tell this to men too? Or do we keep our standards high, not involve ourselves in LTR’s that are not “good”, and lead lonely lives as our society declines?

      • detinennui32 on said:

        NMH: The answer to your questions depends, I think, in large part on your personal circumstances. I’ve been married 15 years. Between me and my spouse, our mutual attraction fluctuates widely from day to day, month to month. There is much more binding us to each other than sexual attraction.

        In an LTR I’d keep my standards as high as the women I deal with. If her standards are unreasonable, it won’t matter since you won’t meet those standards anyway. I can tell you that knowing what I know about game, were I single, any LTR I got into would look very different from the ones I was accustomed to before I married. It would be over the minute she becomes too much hassle, too demanding or too bitchy. It would be over if she cheats — no second chances. it’s over if I have to game her constantly. Were I single, I would not work nearly as hard for an LTR as I had in the past.

        Getting around to the last question, the short answer is no. I think men’s standards are already quite a bit lower than women’s. Our attraction filters are much, much wider than women’s. There’s a lot I’ll accept in a woman that a woman won’t concomitantly tolerate in men.

      • Men are always told to lower their expectations.
        It’s also the reason why men can become players – they got used to rejection so much it didn’t faze them. Whoops, guess for that disadvantage, didn’t expect men to turn that into something that advanced themselves?

        Women should be careful about the kind of adversity that they put men through… because after enough observation and rejection a man learns not to be honest with his feelings since he’ll be penalised for it, and not honest about his moral leanings, since he’ll be penalised for it too.

        Women are the ones who need to sort themselves out; I don’t know that female serial killers have groupies, as an example.

      • johnnymilfquest on said:


        I’m stealing that!

    • johnnymilfquest on said:


      Food for thought.

  6. My experience is similar. Important things are not taught probably because these things are not understood. That, and the tendency for people to teach how they think things should work, rather than how things are. The natures of men and women are taught in a distorted way. The dark side of women is ignored, while the dark side of men is exaggerated.

  7. so in summation, as you posted on my blog earlier:

    “the masculine always attracts the feminine”, and vice versa.

    stay up.

  8. NMH: “Men in the manosphere understand women much better than the average woman understands herself.”

    Lol.. You been channeling TFH?

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